Does anyone else feel like they’re living a double life with OCD? As if they have a very dark secret? I am so tired of feeling unwell around people and trying to calm myself down when I am in obviously calm situations. My train ride was so nerve wrecking today. While everyone was just chill and quiet. All I had were random and gross intrusive thoughts, and there I was standing like another train passenger. Ugh!

Never feels like I can fully put my mind to rest. The problem with OCD for me is once I'm over one worry there's another buried deep into my mind that I'm not fully over. The two events I'm not completely over is when I tried to help a 17 year old with POCD when I was 19 and the topics unfortunately were detailed and even then I explained to them I wasn't comfortable with talking to them. I guess I just had a hard time saying no to someone needing help but it eventually made me so uncomfortable that I stopped talking with them altogether at some point. Then the other thing is being so worried that I committed a crime because my elbow touched someone's behind when I didn't want that to happen at all. I didn't want to listen to my OCD by saying move my arm or something horrible is going to happen so I didn't and then something bad actually did happen. I thought it would just be a light touch while zipping a bag up but then it was worse than I ever wanted it to be and it was so awkward and I hated it. I feel like I just won't be able to get back to the way I was before OCD started all of this. Aside from that I've just had extreme health anxiety but am too afraid to reach out to a PCP even though I need to. Something deep down is telling me I should do this but I'm just so anxious and embarrassed about sharing things to them. I can't even enjoy the things I used to do because this is constantly just messing up my life. I'm hoping I get a start of positivity next time I see my therapist. This just sucks. Feels like others around me are doing so much better than I am and I'm just kind of stuck on these same problems and feeling absolute shame and guilt from the past over and over again. I'm just so sick of dealing with this every single day so I just use escape whenever I can. Even that doesn't really work. I just wish I could go back in time.

Anyone else just have days where they feel more calm and don’t have as many intrusive thoughts? But then later at night time it just comes back so you only had relief even for a little bit 😞😞 I feel like even when I’m not having my OCD send me intrusive thoughts, I always have a feeling in my stomach that something is wrong/off or a sense of doom. I always just feel on edge and anxious as if my mind is always preparing itself for the next horrifying intrusive thought to torment me with ugh 🫠

That's what OCD feels like. Especially the constant questioning and doubt and the more you do it, the more you doubt yourself and it ends up leaving you open for other 'attacks'. I left the house today with my mom to run errands and things were fine, like my intrusive thoughts weren't bothering me that much in the beginning though they're constant in the background. Then when we stopped to get a drink from this store before leaving, I got more anxious because there were lots of kids around (it's afternoon here and i guess school was coming out). Kids were walking around in school uniform and I just told myself to keep looking away because i knew that my intrusive thoughts were going to flare up. Obviously that just made it worse and I just wanted to run away and crawl into a hole or something. Then a few minutes passed and then my brain said what if you were leering at the kids or looking at them inappropriately. And then my brain kept telling me that I wanted to or must have filmed one of them even though it's not something I want to do and know deep down that I didn't do it and don't want to. Ever. I just felt so disgusted with myself, I had to stop myself from crying on the way home. I hate this disease and I hate that its made its home in my head.