- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
You're an adult. I'm glad they care about you but you are able to make your own adult decisions and they need to be respectful of that.
- Date posted
- 5y
Well as another 29 year old NYC resident who is at their parents right now, it’s tough to also not get sucked back into feeling like a child-mode. My boyfriend agreed that when you go home for a long-ish period of time, both you AND your parents revert back to your younger self. It’s pretty annoying but it’s kind of a two way street. Just need to set boundaries for yourself and your parents. It will come with time. They love you and care.
- Date posted
- 5y
Are you staying at your parents for the next few months? Or plan on going back to nyc?
- Date posted
- 5y
@jmr So my boyfriend just went back to the city today (his parents have a vacation home outside the city so that’s where they are). My dad offered to drive me back but honestly, I’m enjoying having the space by my parents. I think this has been a good experience challenging my rOCD because last week I was ruminating 24/7 about “why don’t I miss him?” “Why am I happier here?”...Blah blah blah but after my brain settled I said, nope. I miss him but I can function without him. We are individuals and it’s ok. I still love him. But this is somethinf that makes me happy. Forcing myself back to the city to prove to my ocd thoughts that I do still love him is just giving in. I’m practicing sitting with the discomfort.
- Date posted
- 5y
@d126 (Side note: my parents are oky with me going back but they are of course a little nervous)
- Date posted
- 5y
@d126 Of course!! I’m so glad you are enjoying the time at home- and sounds like you are exactly where you should be! I’m not sure why I feel such an urgency to be in my apartment... I think my need for independence and ocd getting worse out here is why but I also just found out my dad has had MS for 20 years and never told me. I think I’m feeling overwhelmed and need some space to think about. It’s not heredity but they say you have a higher chance at developing it if a parent has it. I also got ocd from him and two other autoimmune diseases that my siblings did not get so I am definitely worried that i will get it too. Just a lot to process during an already stressful time. But I know I am lucky that they care about me so much. We are so close so I feel it should be okay when I do need some space
- Date posted
- 5y
@d126 I saw his medication in a drawer in the fridge and immediately googled the medicine. It’s for ms and without thinking I said “who has MS in this house???”
- Date posted
- 5y
@jmr It’s 1000% okay to need space. You’re an adult. I mean think about your parents, I’m guessing they probably already had kids by your age. I can’t even count how many times after a weekend home wanting to run back to the city. I say this as a joke but it’s so true...sometimes its better to love your family from a distance. Lol
- Date posted
- 5y
@d126 So true!!!!! Thank youuu I really needed to talk to someone about it. Can’t thank you enough for taking the time to let me vent - always here if you need anything also!
- Date posted
- 5y
@jmr So sorry. Just seeing this. You’re very welcome!
- Date posted
- 5y
@jmr Hey girl! Hope you’re doing well. I’m back in the city and wish it was doing something positive for my mental health lol
- Date posted
- 5y
@d126 Hey!! I’m heading back next week- sorry it’s not helping. I hope you are doing okay. I’m hoping going back will help a little bit not sure. Here if you need to talk!
- Date posted
- 5y
@jmr All good! Funny enough I’m back home for Mother’s Day. But tried to power through being at my boyfriends and handling the ocd last week.
- Date posted
- 5y
@d126 Ha so funny! Does your boyfriend know about the OCD? I was dating someone long term and I told him and he freaked out. We broke up within the week. I think I’m going to feel better once I’m back in my apt- hopefully!
- Date posted
- 5y
Hey there! I just had the same issue with my dad! I got SCREAMED at when I didn’t come home- mind you, my apartment is 3 hours from my dads house. But, just like you said, this is the mentally healthy choice for me. I need to be in my own safe space that I’ve created. We obviously love our families- that does not have to be at odds with the fact that we need our own homes and routines (that we’ve made through hardships) to stay mentally healthy. Parents have such a keen skill at making us feel guilty for things haha, love em! But there’s a certain point where we need to do what we think is best for us.
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you so much Leah. I was feeling so alone and guilty- paralyzed with this guilt and now questioning what’s right when I really do know what I need. Thank you for responding. Feeling such a mix of guilt, ocd building up in all aspects of my day, and also struggling with what I know as an adult I need.
- Date posted
- 5y
Also - I live 20 minutes outside of New York so if they really needed me I can be to them in 20 mins. They are acting like I’m leaving the country. I’m just trying to keep my ocd in check and it undo the progrss I’ve made over a decade. I feel it quickly unraveling
- Date posted
- 5y
Of course!!! I SO deeply understand the layers of guilt that occur with and outside of OCD. I have a really hard relationship with guilt and shame haha so I get you. 20 min!! Oh jeez. You are FINE in either place!! They’re capacity to make you feel guilty about it, is NOT how wrong you are. Those don’t correlate. Ocd is known for co-occurring with feelings of guilt so often. But most cases are misplaced guilt- you can feel it, see it, and then remind yourself that even though it’s there, it’s misplaced and that you are ALLOWED to do what you know your mind and soul need. I mean cmon, 20 min haha?:)
- Date posted
- 5y
They’re still gonna try to make you feel guilty for it after you tell them what you are doing. They’re probably gonna throw a lot at you like “this is irresponsible” “why don’t you just stay with us where it’s safer” etc etc, but at that point, it’s a lot more what THEY need from you, and not necessarily what YOU need. THEY feel safer with you at home- that doesn’t mean that’s the only place where you are safe, and that doesn’t mean you need to bend over backward so they feel better. We love our parents, but we also have to respect ourselves?❤️
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you all- feeling less lonely and more confident to stand up for what I need. I know it won’t be easy but I’m going to try and talk with them and eventually make my decision based on what I need. Thank you all for the support
- Date posted
- 5y
?❤️
- Date posted
- 5y
Yesss I feel 14 again. I am working on setting boundaries but they cry every time I talk about it ??♀️ but I know I need to stay strong and continue setting boundaries that are completely normal and healthy. The ocd of course makes everything feel so out of control and paralyzing.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
(long read ahead, sorry lol) I’ve struggled with ocd for as far back as I can remember. I find that it gets worse with stress, and recently I’ve really been struggling with the contamination aspect of my ocd. I’m worried about it becoming unmanageable and negatively affecting my relationship with my partner. I’ve been living with my boyfriend since January (got kicked out of my house a week after I turned 18, it’s for the better though my house is toxic as hell) and I love living with him, but him and his family aren’t as concerned with cleaning as I am used to. My boyfriend and I have been together going on 2 years and there’s been many times throughout our relationship that his struggle with depression severely impacted his ability to keep up with cleaning his room. This is something I completely understand because I’ve struggled with it too so i’ve often helped him clean, and since i’ve moved in he’s done so much better at keeping up with cleaning (especially because he knows about my issues with clutter, mess, germs, etc.) He is really good at being accommodating towards my needs (not overly so, i’m aware that recovering includes accepting being uncomfortable), but it’s so hard for me to differentiate between what is the normal standard for cleanliness and hygiene and what’s excessive and unhealthy. I get so stressed out every single day over the thought of how dirty everything is. He has 3 cats that mainly stay in his room (he has a catio attached to his window/side of the house) and dogs which stay on the opposite side of the house and backyard, so there is fur everywhere constantly (i’m also allergic to cats but it’s not severe). I can’t stop thinking about how they are getting germs from their litter box all over everything. They also used to piss under his bed and in his closet when his room used to be a mess and it’s soaked into the floor so no matter what it stinks. It’s so hard to bring myself to walk around the house without slippers because my feet will get visibly dirty and my socks would get covered in hair. I always think about how my boyfriend sometimes walks on the rugs in the bathroom in shoes and all the germs that spreads. There’s so many more things but this is already getting long and I am shaking just thinking about how unclean everything is. I want to deep clean the entire house myself so I can get it to where It’s not like psychological torture everyday and it’s easier to maintain but I have been so busy I don’t have the time. I am worried about my boyfriend thinking I don’t like living with him or that I think that’s he’s dirty but i don’t. We have had several conversations about this and he’s reassured me that he knows none of my obsessive thoughts are personal but I still feel so bad about it. I would like to get therapy to help work through this but currently that is not an option for me. I know things will get better once I get through the main things in my life that are causing a lot of stress and therefore making my ocd flair up, but I need advice on what to do in the mean time. I keep having moments where all I can do is shake and cry and clean and I feel bad for my poor boyfriend who can only sit next to me and try to comfort me or help me clean. I also don’t want to make him worried that nothing he does is enough for me (i’ve also already talked to him about this and told him about how I can never even be clean enough for myself and that I don’t think he’s dirty). There’s been many times where I want to tell him to do things that I think might be my own unhealthy compulsions (ex. not wearing shoes in the house or in our room, not getting into bed with socks on, making sure to completely dry off before getting out the shower, put makeup and jewelry back where they belong right after using them, etc.) but i can’t tell if they’re reasonable or not and i try to not tell him unless it’s something that severely distresses me. I’m aware that everything is going to have germs no matter what and have been using NER’s to help manage my thought spirals/rumination. I know that I shouldn’t keep doing compulsions because it just offers temporary relief and makes the problem worse because nothing will ever be enough. I just feeling so overwhelmed and hopeless and exhausted and want some feedback.
- Date posted
- 24w
My mom will sit and listen to me for quite a while, but she interrupts a lot and gets angry/upset. While I appreciate her passion, it's often stressful. Every time I come to her, if I even *mention* OCD, she gets frustrated and says, "Everyone deals with these issues, you know. It doesn't mean it's OCD." And I repeat, "I'm not saying my issues are unique — I'm saying the way I respond to them is a problem." But she just shakes her head and says, "Okay, I need to get back to my day." Full context, I'm an adult, and I live with my boyfriend, but I'm staying at my mom's for the next month. After living away from home for years, I went back to living with her during the pandemic, and I only recently left to live with him. Honestly, I think living with her for so long in my adulthood really messed with me and made me feel like a teenager all over again. I feel like my mental growth is stunted, and that's part of why my OCD is so bad lately. Not blaming, just noticing. She doesn't seem to understand how relieving the OCD diagnosis has been for me, because it explains so so so many things I've struggled with for years, and it's exciting to have more resources that can help me. But I think she sees it as me finding an excuse to *not* work on myself, which is just untrue. I'm not going to let OCD hold me back or use it as an excuse, but I'm also not going to pretend it's not a problem when I know it is — I was even diagnosed through NOCD. The whole point being to fix it, not use it as a crutch. When I have an issue, it's unbearable. Any issue, big or small, feels just the same. I feel a sinking feeling, my mind races, my heart beats out of my chest. I end up running to my support systems, crying, ruminating for days on end. Then, months later, the same exact issue can feel like nothing anymore, because it's no longer an obsession. I'm sure everyone deals with issues in a similar way, but I *know* there is something specific and debilitating going on with me. This is reassurance seeking, but in the face of being told I'm making a big deal out of nothing, can someone diagnosed with OCD tell me if they relate to the specific intensity of these feelings??
- Date posted
- 19w
LONG VENT POST: This is my second post of the day. Seriously, I am SO sorry. I have therapy tomorrow, I promise I will shut up after this lmao. Anyway, for Memorial Day weekend, I spent it at my aunt/uncles vacation house. Fortunately it wasn’t a big crowd - just my mom, grandmother, aunt, uncle and I. For context, I come from a pretty big family, and I am the youngest of 7 cousins and a younger sister to two brothers. All my cousins are in their early to mid 20’s, each very successful in school and their careers. My half brother is 29, and absolutely crushing it. My full brother is turning 23, he’s also doing amazing with school. I just turned 20 in April, I feel very lost. I know I want to be a forensic psychiatrist one day, and that I want my PhD. I want to be the best therapist I can be, but the fact that I barely get by with ocd/adhd has been discouraging me, so I currently feel like a flop. Anyway though, spending time with my aunts/uncles/cousins/grandparents triggers my ocd the most, as majority of them can be on the judgmental side. ESPECIALLY my aunt, she’s on my moms side, and she and my mom are total opposites. My aunts a very calculated, straightforward, logical, stern, sassy buisnesswoman. She’s successful, but lacks a lot of understanding and can be so cold and just mean. My moms a kindergarten teacher in a struggling community, and she’s always thinking about others before herself, extremely emotional, caring, but neglects her own needs a lot. They’re sisters, and they bump heads a ton. My aunt and all of her kids aren’t neurodivergent. They simply don’t understand mental health. My mom does, thank god. My aunt and uncle think that if a kid is having a psychotic break, then that kid should be kicked out of the house and not helped at all. My mom and I entirely disagree with this idea, and that someone clearly mentally suffering NEEDS mental health help asap, and they need to be home. The streets are the last place someone suffering should be. While we were vacationing at the house, my mom argued about this with my uncle. I was asleep, thank god, but I seriously hate having people in my family like this. I can never tell them about me having ocd, they’ll think it’s just an “excuse” for not getting things done, or just me trying to feel special. The reality is, they don’t get it. My full brother went through the worst psychotic break a few years ago. It lasted two years on and off due to bipolar disorder, but thank god he got himself help and he’s doing absolutely amazing now. He’s frustrated and embarassed with himself but now he’s on track, and as I said, crushing it with school. But the entire time he was going through this, my aunt and uncle just didn’t understand. To keep it short, they thought his mental problems were behavioral, and that he’s a “crazy” kid. The reality is, he was coping with the loss of his childhood best friend and our other uncle who was like a second father figure to us. He had manic episodes from the grief and self medicating with drugs and alcohol. This was all the while Covid was happening and he was a freshman at a college states away. He was so vunerable. I’m saying all this because, well, how am I to seriously be forward about my mental struggles when they couldn’t even show the slightest amount of empathy to my brother, who was struggling, so much more intensely than me? I’m quiet at family gatherings when they’re around for this exact reason. I have so much resentment toward them for it. I try to avoid them when I can, because I love them, I just hate their actions/views. What do you guys do with these kinds of people?
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