alwayshere
- Date posted
- 5y
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
I felt this way. Sharing with people who earned my trust, then sharing more and more, really opened the door. Take a look on YouTube at Brené Brown's Ted talks about shame. I did self compassion until I felt brave enough to take risks to receive compassion from others. After dealing with guilt and shame, I felt better than I had in years. I still had a more negative idea of my horrible stuff where my guilt came from than was rational for ages. But it takes ERP and sharing the core of the concerns to be able to see that more clearly. It does get better, it has for me. I still get shame attacks but I don't feel like the worst person in the world anymore. I've seperated out stuff I've done from stuff I've just felt like I must have done, and gradually come to accept that other people have made mistakes too, I was a screwed up teenager in a bad situation with some real mental health issues, etc. To understand is to forgive. I have found peace in understanding deeply that there IS no blame, not for me or anyone else. There's accountability, but shame is a poison and nobody deserves it. Everyone was born innocent and we are all still innocent. No such thing as a bad person. It takes courage to get to that place. But you'll do really well starting with learning about self-compassion. Get the book Letting Go by David R Hawkins. Skip the woo stuff in it if you don't like woo. Read the book and learn about self compassion before doing what it says. Then do what the book says. It's the most valuable resource I've ever found, and I have been **exactly** where you are. I believe in your ability to be strong and resourceful, and I know you will become flexible, which is the same as strength. You'll untangle this mess, gently and bit by bit.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
To be absolutely clear: self compassion stuff is not in the book, I really recommend reading/watching other things about it, and also reading the book, before doing the stuff in the book. Because the book will show you in serious detail how to process feelings like guilt, and once you've felt it until it's gone, you'll feel at peace but raw, and turning to self compassion and compassion for others at that point would be an extraordinarily healing experience.
esoteric_nomadesoteric_nomad
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you so much for sharing your journey and the book recommendation. ?Aho. Also, you mentioned that as you began to practice self compassion it opened you up to feel it from others. Have you ever felt like you didn’t deserve compassion because of the feelings of guilt and shame and perhaps blame? How did you overcome that? And how do you take accountability and be self-compassionate at the same time, without being so harsh? Like would you be open to sharing an example. This is something I sometimes struggle with, but am developing the skill to do.
alwaysherealwayshere
- Date posted
- 5y
I understand, but I just can’t convince myself that i’m not a monster. the feeling is just so strong. I feel like I don’t deserve to be alive. I keep telling myself i’m in denial. Which leads to be thinking “if i’m really what i think i am, could i live with myself?” which leads to me thinking more and more about how much i hate myself even if i’m uncertain. I’m so terrified to be a horrible person. I made a couple mistakes. I’m plagued by the guilt. Which has led to me believing i’m a horrible person, and into those things, which led to shame and the OCD. I cant feel compassion with myself. I’m just disgusted. I’m terrified to share what i’ve done. Mostly because if i was a random listener, hearing that some other person did what i did, I’d think they were gross. I wouldn’t want to go near them. So i feel that way about myself. There feel no escape to this. I’m too young to get ERP for myself. I cant tell my parents what i’m going through, there’s just no escaping this. I have to live with the battle in my head everyday. And i don’t know how much longer I can do it.
alwaysherealwayshere
- Date posted
- 5y
@AlwaysHere Another thing that plagues me is how i feel the need to confess what i did. Maybe not now, but later. I’m terrified to fall in love now. I’m going to feel the need to tell them what i did, and what if they hate me? I would hate me. So why wouldn’t they? I’m also severely depressed. So i’ve lost interest in relationships and have no sex interest. and the type of OCD i have, makes this so much worse. Because it’s telling me i’ve interest in people “because i’ve gained interest” or “realized my interest” in the thing i’m terrified of. I just can’t get away from it.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
@esoteric_nomad Ahh, that's exactly why self compassion came before being open to compassion from others. I didn't right off the bat go "I love myself, and I deserve love". It started with beginning to tolerate myself and just be a bit more flexible on the idea that I'm the worst person in the world and everyone would hate me if they really saw me. Realising that others make mistakes too did help. Self compassion was a bit by bit process, and opening myself up to the love and kindness and understanding of others was bit by bit too. I didn't always feel worthy of it. Sometimes I still don't. I haven't shared everything or righted every wrong. But I now have more faith that I wouldn't be condemned by others- or at least not others who are kind. Genuinely kind people have been through their own pain. They don't think that others deserve shame or believe in the idea of a rotten or tainted person based on mistakes. They believe in second chances. They're not all a stereotype of the worst of twitter or gossipy highschool students. I had to learn to not need everyone to like me and be a bit more ok with the idea that some people won't understand me or have compassion for me, but that it says more about them than about me. As for accountability and self-compassion... Do self compassion first. You're tortured by guilt and it means your heart is thoroughly in the right place. Once you've done strong self compassion work and processing of the guilt, shame and fear like the book shows, you'll be able to do accountability the way it's meant to be. Accountability isn't overblowing mistakes and begging for forgiveness. It's not making excuses or misdirecting, either. It's just pure sincerity- knowing what you did, and that it was wrong, being sorry, saying that you did wrong and are sorry, and offering to make amends. Mind you, the idea of that can be terrifying if you're in the middle of OCD and your brain is giving you over-responsibility, false memories compiled from other guilt feelings and insinuations and the opinions of others etc. My experience was that I had a very bad real-event OCD of having done something major wrong. It wasn't exactly a false memory OCD, there was no memory although I hunted and hunted for one, it was just a belief. I did around 3 days of ERP for it through emotional processing of my huge store of unprocessed guilt using the book I mentioned, and I mean non-stop allowing those awful feelings to be in me, for 3 days, resting when I could, taking care not to act on either my moments of despair or my moments of clarity. During it, I "went back" in my own head to times that I'd abandoned myself emotionally and times I'd made bad mistakes, and said kind, compassionate things to myself. At the end of the days, I had a deep meditative experience of love and compassion for myself and the world. I knew that my thoughts hadn't been reasonable. BUT, I settled on a lesser version of the OCD fear. That I'd done some less bad things around the same real event/topic and had caused harm by negligence and potentially done more bad stuff around it on purpose and then forgotten. I didn't know what to turn to, it became a slight return of OCD trying to work it out, but I realised what was going on and instead just treated it with more self compassion. I accepted it as my reality and was able to live my life actually very happily for a few years by massive doses of genuine self compassion exercises when I felt shitty, and my distressing OCD symptoms went away completely because I was no longer resisting whatsoever. At this point I (kinda embarrassingly) made sincere apologies/did accountability for the stuff I now sincerely believed I'd done and wasn't resisting. It was met with kindness and understanding, but I still feel weird about it and would prefer to correct it even if it makes me sound nuts to them. It was a few more years before I shared my story with others and got compassion for it specifically. On the back of that, I was able to reassess my beliefs and work out what was realistic and what wasn't, without it turning into OCD. My conclusion is I made some mistakes, I really did. But I hadn't done anything bad and forgotten, and the stuff I thought I caused by negligence wasn't just my responsibility and I couldn't have done any different at the time due to my traumatised headspace. Now I have much more putting the record straight to do than I have apologising stuff to do. I have a more rational view of what harm if any my actual mistakes caused and I no longer think they say something awful about me. In retrospect it would have been better for me to work on opening up and doing therapy about my beliefs before I did accountability. But we live and learn. Accountability, when it does come to it, is going to take courage, I won't lie. But you'll be able to do it. With self compassion and emotional processing, you'll have become flexible and you'll have a new confidence that you can cope with the risks of pain or judgment. Baby steps. You don't need to solve it all at once, even though after processing you might feel a rush to do so. You're allowed to take your time and think, and to be smarter than I was before you do accountability. Just don't let yourself settle into not doing that step at all, because it's an important one, and healing in of itself. You'll be able to live with yourself. It's a real gift.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
@AlwaysHere I felt exactly the same way. Disgusted, terrified, and full of shame. Please take the book recommendation and watch the Brené Brown videos and read about self compassion. It doesn't have to be self love, you only have to do baby steps alongside processing your guilt and shame (which is in the book). It's the light at the end of the tunnel. I had severe PTSD and OCD for 3 years. I barely left my bed. No friends, worked a couple of shifts a week, did nothing, had panic attacks. I felt precisely the same way as you, I don't want to be insensitive here but even to this day, having recovered, I don't think there's much on the planet which is more stigmatised than what I believed I had done. Maybe yours is even the same thing. The stuff I'm recommending to you literally saved my life. I didn't just end the agony, I was able to enroll in college and a top uni, make friends, travel, learn languages, get hobbies, gain wonderful friends who SEE me and love me even when they disapprove of me or disagree. There's a whole life out there for you. Be brave.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 5y
@AlwaysHere You will be able to share it when you have worked through this by processing guilt and adopting self-compassion, when you find kind people who earn your trust. It's hard and painful. But people are much less judgmental of us than we are of ourselves. I really mean it. They SEE the things we don't let ourselves acknowledge, like our pain or mindset at the time of our mistakes, they know our guilt indicates our pain and distress, etc. And often they have their own mistakes and stories of shame to tell. The first time of sharing a mistake is the hardest. Please watch the Brené Brown videos on shame and vulnerability. Telling your future partner about this is a bridge you can cross when you come to it. It's not something you need to solve and have a plan for right now.
esoteric_nomadesoteric_nomad
- Date posted
- 5y
@AlwaysHere I totally hear you and feel you. Those types of feelings led me leaning into compassion and self love and beginning to chip away at any blocks I had around receiving from my self and then compassion and love from others. It brought me to surrender. I just felt like I didn’t know what to do. Who was I? I just ask God for guidance. I didn’t need to be anything. I began to stop trying to be something. And practice observing when I was. I felt like that was ego getting in the way. What I saw didn’t match an image of who felt I needed to be to accept myself and love my self. So I began to open to removing the conditions I had. I saw how much my self abandonment and betrayal was costing me being able to show up embodying what I value most. And I’m sure you might relate when it involves the people you care about it can feel extra sensitive. So there feels like no way around it. When I don’t love myself I see how it effects the OCD cycle, and potentially my relationships. So there’s no escaping it. I have to confront it. Even when it feels hard. I’m learning how to be a friend to myself not just when it feels easy. So I’m with you. You are not alone. And I’m really thankful for this group. Because talking about this stuff and getting over this fear of being judged is a little challenging sometimes especially when I’m working on not judging myself. ?Ty
esoteric_nomadesoteric_nomad
- Date posted
- 5y
@Louw Thank you so much for taking the time to respond and share all this I super appreciate your feedback and respect and honor the journey you went to get here. Blessings to you. ?
esoteric_nomadesoteric_nomad
- Date posted
- 5y
@AlwaysHere And I’m not saying I have it figured out or anything. No. I’m just taking it one day or hours sometimes at a time. Noting any helpful clues. I just noticed this link between trying to live up to an image in my mind or this idea of who I “should” be was blocking me from actually healing. Do you feel that too? So that’s where my work is right now and some days it feels hard. But that’s part of why I’m here. Like @Louw says, baby steps.
esoteric_nomadesoteric_nomad
- Date posted
- 5y
I hear you. You are so brave and I really honor and appreciate you sharing this. I can only imagine what it took to write and share this. I have felt this too and it brought me to tears because you touched on what I’ve yet to say out loud except two days ago but have felt a lot and am working on. And I’m sorry that you’re experiencing that. Because i hear how hard it can feel for you and also hear the light in you too :) . I’m thankful you’re here. And I also see your hope and faith and I pray that continues to strengthen. With you. Praying with you too. God has a way of working things out. :) ***I hope that none of my comments were out of line. Still learning about how to treat the OCD stuff. What do you do when these thoughts come up?
alwaysherealwayshere
- Date posted
- 5y
Your comment was completely fine. thank you for responding. It means a lot to know you took the time to read it, and even more to know that i’m not alone in this. Though, no one is. It’s just nice to remind myself. This too shall pass. God knows a path. <3
esoteric_nomadesoteric_nomad
- Date posted
- 5y
@AlwaysHere ???
Related posts
Anonymous
- Date posted
- 25w
Habitual lying & debilitating guilt
I have recently entered a phase of extremely obsessive thoughts of every mistake I’ve ever made. Things from over a decade ago, things that happened recently, or even things currently happening like my own thoughts and feelings that I have no control over. Ever since I was little I have been a habitual liar. For the most part, I just tell little white lies or exaggerated stories. I even lie about things that don’t matter at all, like if I’ve seen a certain movie or something. But I have also lied about some serious things, like bad things happening to me, like abuse or SA. (DISCLAIMER - I’ve never accused anyone of these things to the police or anything like that). I hate that I’ve done this and I feel so disgusted with my behavior. I’ve been obsessing over this and unable to forgive myself or feel better about doing this. I feel like such a sick human being. I know most of the reasons for why I lie—attention, sympathy, to seem more interesting, to relate to someone, or to even pretend that my life is better than it is. I never ever have any bad intentions when I lie, but I know that doesn’t mean a whole lot. Sometimes I lie so naturally that I don’t even realize it, and sometimes I lie to the point that I actually believe what I’m saying. Somethings wrong with me and I don’t want to be this way anymore. I hate myself and I feel like I’m being tortured with this guilt. I feel like I don’t deserve to ever feel better because this is a result of my own actions. I have a group of girl friends that I met online that I’ve known for about 3 years. I lied about and insinuated that bad things had happened to me to them, because I wanted to relate to them and maybe because I wanted sympathy. I was actually emotionally abused by my ex, and he did kind of get physical with me one time (if I’m remembering correctly, but my OCD doubts if that even actually happened), but I have exaggerated and said that I was abused physically. I also have portrayed my life to be completely different than it is, because I hate my life and I like to pretend that things are better than they are. In a way, I feel like it’s a form of escapism. When I talk to them, I can pretend that I’m a different person. A more interesting, less pathetic, and more relatable person. I’ve lied to them so much that I can’t even begin to remember them all, and I feel so disgusted by myself, and the guilt of this is adding onto my other debilitating guilt. I can’t stop obsessing over it and I feel like I’m an awful person for this. I feel like I don’t deserve to feel better. I’m unable to function, and I can’t forgive myself no matter what. I know that if I confess to them, they’ll be disgusted by my behavior and not want to speak to me again. Especially because I lied about things that are so sensitive. And they’re perfectly within their right to feel that way and to reject me. I don’t know if I can handle the rejection and stress of confessing at this moment in time. I also just can’t even remember all of my lies. But if I keep talking to them, I’ll have to upkeep my lies, and I know I’ll never get better if I keep having to lie. None of my lies have caused them any actual harm, most of my lies are harmless, and it’s not like I’ll ever actually meet them in person, but I feel like I’ve gone against my morals, and I know that it was wrong. Even though my ex is an awful person and put me through hell, I feel bad that I’ve told these girls online that he’d abused me when he actually hasn’t (other than the one time he sorta got physical with me). He even has been going around telling people things about me and degrading me, and this has been going on for nearly 10 years. But I know it was wrong to lie about that regardless of what he’s done or what he’s actively doing to me. The girls don’t have his full name or info or anything like that, they just know his first name and that he’s my ex and that he “physically abused” me. I don’t ever lie out of malice. My dad is a pathological liar and he’s never received help, and I feel like I’ve learned his behavior. I especially feel bad because one of my online friends gave me an extremely expensive gift for my birthday last October, and I didn’t ask for it or anything or manipulate her into giving it to me, but I feel awful that she gave me a gift when I’ve lied about so many things. It’s also not something I can give back since it was an online thing, and I genuinely don’t have the money to pay her back. I feel like I’ve been living a lie and that it’s unfair to them. I am so so scared to tell the truth. I think I’d be less scared if I was only admitting it to one person, but I’d be admitting it to three. I know that they’ll think I’m terrible, disgusting, and that they’ll hate me, and then they’ll probably talk about how awful I am with each other. Which is perfectly justified. I just am so scared of it. I’m in a really bad state of mind. I can’t function and all I do all day is lay around and obsess over all my mistakes. I know the lying is out of my control to a certain extent and that I have a problem and mental illness, but I still can’t forgive myself. I feel disgusting and awful and like I’m a bad person and no matter what I do, I’m reminded of it. I feel like I’m going crazy and that I deserve to feel this way for what I’ve done. And I feel hopeless because I feel like I won’t ever feel better from this unbearable state unless I confess, but I really don’t feel like I’m ready. Every day I become more and more certain that I’m terrible.
Anonymous
- Date posted
- 25w
i’m a bad person & can’t deal with the shame of it
i don’t know what changed, but in the past 1-2 weeks something switched in my brain and now i am obsessing over every mistake I’ve ever made, and i firmly believe the guilt i feel is justified. i am a pathological liar and i’m realizing i may have lied about more things than I ever intended to. i think i tricked myself into believing some things and now I feel awful that I’ve lied to myself and others about so many things. my mind is a mess and i can’t even tell what is a lie and what isn’t anymore. i also feel like i’ve been taking advantage of my boyfriends family who has financially supported me for these past few years, because i had convinced myself and everyone around me that my physical health & mental health was worse than it actually was. i never meant to take advantage or hurt anyone, but i can definitely say that i became complacent and comfortable living these past few years without having to worry about work, school, or really anything. i think i used “not feeling well” as an excuse to not do anything because i was too afraid to leave the house and function in society. i feel so awful and disgusted by my behavior and the guilt is eating me alive. i even feel bad using my phone because they pay for it, and feel bad being in my apartment for the same reason. i feel like everything about me is a lie and they’ve been paying for and supporting a person completely different than they thought. maybe i’m not who I portrayed myself out to be at all. i’ve felt so disgusting and so awful i can barely stand it. this morning i woke up feeling like i was suffocating, my chest hurt so bad and i felt like there was absolutely no way out. i really felt like i was dying. other than the lying, i’ve felt awful about things i did as a child where i didn’t know any better, or i even feel bad about my own thoughts and emotions that I have no control over. my mom says i’m being too hard on myself, and that i can’t help that i lie, but i don’t believe that. i think i deserve to feel this way and that i’m not being hard enough on myself. i lied and took advantage and therefore i deserve to suffer. i caused people to worry for me when it wasn’t necessary, when i was fine. i deserve to feel so guilty that i’m nauseous, i deserve to feel ashamed. i feel like i don’t deserve to eat or feel better, even though i desperately want to. i feel so guilty and so shameful i literally can’t function. i want to escape this feeling so bad, i want to get out of this guilt that’s keeping me from moving on and improving myself. i acknowledge that i have a lying problem, that it’s a mental illness, but i am ashamed of it and feel disgusted that i’m this way even though i can’t help some of it. i truly don’t know what to do or how to have compassion for myself. probably a good idea to share that my dad is a pathological liar and never received help, and i’m pretty sure i learned this behavior through him. not to mention all the stuff i did as a kid that i feel bad about, or the fact that i feel bad about things i can’t control. and i even feel bad about finding certain things funny. the guilt is killing me and i don’t know how i’m ever supposed to become a better person if i’m so sure that i’m undeserving of ever feeling better. in my head i truly feel like im a monster. i feel like i’m having a crisis because i’m realizing i lied about a lot of things without even really realizing it. or i deceived myself into thinking things. and I’ve lied about things for sympathy, for attention, to make myself seem more interesting, or to make me seem less pathetic than i actually am. i’ve lied about some serious things, and i’ve lied about things that don’t matter at all. i don’t know how to keep living. i want to go home to my apartment and be in my safe space, but i feel disgusting being there when i’ve taken advantage of my boyfriend’s family, even though it was never my intention. no matter what I do and where i go, i feel wrong. because i’ve done so many bad things and i can’t forgive myself. i feel so morally wrong i can’t stand it and i don’t see things ever getting better. i feel like I’m going crazy and i feel so alone. i can’t escape this guilt no matter what. and i feel overwhelmed because I know this isn’t something that can be fixed quickly. am i ever gonna be able to live without shame ever again? am i ever gonna be able to do the things i love again? the things that brought me comfort? nothing brings me any comfort, and i spend all day in bed or sitting around doing absolutely nothing because i can’t distract myself. i can’t stop thinking about all the things i’ve done no matter how hard i try. i obsessively read and look up online things to try and find reassurance. i feel like i’m going crazy. and i just feel so sorry. to everyone. and i’m so extremely ashamed of my behavior. i can’t stop obsessing about the past, the present, and the future. don’t i deserve to feel this way when i’ve lied and done bad things? even if it wasn’t my intention, or if it’s a result of a mental illness? don’t i deserve to feel debilitating guilt when i’ve been a bad person? even though i know i never had any bad intentions, i don’t think it matters. am i gonna feel this way forever, where everything i do or everywhere i look, im reminded of the the things ive done?
12345678910
- Date posted
- 18w
Thinking about the past.
I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I don’t know what to do anymore. I haven’t posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff. But now it’s gotten really out of hand and I don’t know how to do it anymore. It’s surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasn’t myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasn’t good to the people around me. I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that I’m off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I can’t move on. I can’t do anything without thinking about all of these memories. I’m obsessed. I’ve started hating myself again, so much so that it’s hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good. The people around me tell me it wasn’t even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I can’t stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up. I’ve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I can’t remember, and that my mind just can’t deal with it. And that’s why I feel so guilty. There’s nothing to really support this though. But I’m starting to really convince myself that’s true. I’m trying not to listen to it, because I’ve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and haven’t remembered when I absolutely didn’t and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check there’s no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldn’t listen. But it’s hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I don’t remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I don’t remember? I don’t feel like this all the time. But it’s a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to. The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. I’ve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like there’s no way I’ll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just can’t do this anymore. Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I don’t know. I don’t really want to. But will I ever fix this without it? Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I don’t know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?
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