I struggle with HOCD & ROCD. Growing up, I was crazy about guys! In fact, I always prioritized my crushes. Like I cared about my friends but I guess it’s the way movies portrayed love. I was crazy for my Prince Charming. Then... high school happened. First relationship & suddenly bam, HOCD hit me. It went away cuz I started getting busy but once I fell in love again, HOCD & ROCD came back. Anyway, part of growing I guess I am realizing value of different relationships but... now I feel like I don’t know different forms of love. Only understand romantic because that’s what I valued before so caring for someone else besides my boyfriend like friends of stranger feels weird... more like I don’t know love in other way I guess besides romantic. As if other relations were just there... now I feel like I am caring deeper for others and I am not used to it. Idk how to explain but I wanna see if someone else has gone through similar experience.

lyssa17

Date posted: 5y

Hey Jenn! You’re good girl. It’s hard to understand emotions and interpret them, but I want you to know it’s completely normal! Let me be your reassurance for the day: you love guys romantically and that’s it! Period! Okay there’s your reassurance! And I know there can be scary intrusive thoughts regarding HOCD and ROCD but the two go hand and hand so let me say some things to make you understand. I’m not a pro, but upon research I’ve learned that everyone is on a spectrum. Absolutely no one is 100% gay or 100% straight. NO ONE! That’s a scary thought to accept, but just accept it and you’ll see your life change before your eyes. Everyone gets gay thoughts and that’s just part of being human! These thoughts are so dang random and it’s okay! You don’t need to fear them-people are sexual beings and it depends on the mood and seasons we are all in but your hormones will fluctuate and leave you sometimes questioning yourself. And all because you once became a bit turned on about something you thought you were appalled by? Having intrusive thoughts about being gay (or for gay people being straight) does not mean you are gay! I’m sure you had underlying OCD and then you had an experience of an intrusive thought related to sexuality that then turned your ocd into HOCD. Let me tell you these thoughts aren’t here to tell you that you’re secretly gay, they’re not here to try and turn your sexuality around, and they’re gonna go away with time! I just want you to do some things that helped me! Put yourself on a spectrum. Accept that no one is 100% straight and that that’s okay. You can be 95% straight. Don’t let that 5% right there scare ya! That 5% could be as random as sometimes you are nearing your period and all of a sudden everything becomes attractive to you-completely normal! I also want you to meditate and not touch any thought during this time. Just let the music move you for about 5 minutes. Then everytime you get an intrusive gay thought say “maybe I am bi, maybe I’m not, but I’m going to continue my life being straight.” This is scary at first but in time these thoughts won’t disturb you as much. I also want you to keep up the good work on your journal! LOVE YOURSELF. And one of the best things I did for myself was write a testimony. I shared everything from why I thought these thoughts developed (example: people being bullied in school and telling me they could see me as gay) and then go on to say your battle with it and why this isn’t you at all and that you’re going to recover! KNOW YOUR IDENTITY AND DONT LET THESE THOUGHTS QUESTION IT!! You’re amazing and the more you learn to give these thoughts no meaning and that they’re just stupid thoughts that won’t define you the more you will continue to find yourself recovering. You’ve got this beautiful, I know you will succeed!

Jennnn

Date posted: 5y

Thank you so much for taking your time to write this out! It means the world to me. I love your approach to spectrum! I will definitely try that. Thank you once again for your input! Hope things are going well for you!

lyssa17

Date posted: 5y

@Jennnn Always welcome! I’m not a pro but I’m definitely out here trying my best and I’ve felt called to help others to the best of my ability! I am feeling great! There comes a point in life when after so much struggling you stand up to these silly thoughts and you say that THIS IS NOT ME! I KNOW WHO I AM AND I KNOW MY IDENTITY! I came to that conclusion on Thursday of last week and I’ve been doing my best to not give these thoughts an explanation or worry and just accept them as some dumb thoughts that aren’t attached to who I am. After accepting that I feel almost free...not completely yet but I believe with Gods Grace I’m getting there! Best of luck to you, everything will be good I promise.?

Fathomable

Date posted: 5y

That actually sounds wonderful. I was kind of the same, had a boyfriend at 14 and dumped him for the next at 16. It wasn't til that relationship ended at 18 and then I had bad PTSD & OCD for a few years and THEN started treating those things, that I started to actually make proper friends. Like, the type where you actually let yourself be vulnerable and you think about them and care how they are and want your friendship to make them happy. Rather than them just being the people I hang out with at school etc. It felt a bit weird, but mostly kind of beautiful. I value my handful of friends very highly now. They've brought me more fulfillment and comfort and joy than either of my toxic relationships.

Jennnn

Date posted: 5y

Thank you for sharing your experience. That’s amazing you have more meaningful relationships! I have a wonderful boyfriend. I wanna value him along w/ other people in my life. I get a little scare when I care for others more at times cuz I wonder if I am losing feelings for him

Jennnn

Date posted: 5y

I guess it scares me to care for someone besides my boyfriend deeply

Asnku

Date posted: 5y

Its crazy how much i relate on this

Jennnn

Date posted: 5y

Tell me about your experience!

lyssa17

Date posted: 5y

@Jennnn My experience is my boyfriend got deployed and just a lot of things happened at once so I began lettting doubt and uncertainty creep in! People weren’t always the nicest in high school and then I went to college which was a huge culture shock so it was just a lot to take in at once. When I felt so distant from my boy I wondered how I could begin to lose feelings for such an amazing man? Thanks for that one deployment! Anyhow I began to question myself and since I had underlying OCD the rOCD and hOCD really kicked in. I’ve struggled for about 3.5 months and it wasn’t until last week when I said you know what? This isn’t me! I know who I am and I’m done doubting myself! And that’s when everytime an intrusive thought came in my head I’d just say hmmmm strange situation then go about my day! It’s been better ever since. I’m not 100% cured and who knows if I ever will be which is scary to think, but honestly you just get to a point where you’re done and you step back and realize how stupid it is to let these thoughts that aren’t even your control your life! That is when things get better-when you separate the thoughts from yourself! And my boy and I are doing great and I’ve kept myself busy and I KNOW who I am! I’m done letting people get in my head and I’m done with letting OCD scare me!

Mt2019

Date posted: 24w

Question about HOCD

Sorry long post. Anyone feel like now they’re just in extreme denial. Like when I was little I noticed guys more than girls in movies and was more drawn to them. I remember changing my mindset to switch that. 98%of my life has been straight until recently. I felt drawn to some guys but never thought of it sexually. Always had girl crushes dreams and porn. Now I watch porn and I feel like straight takes longer and then I go and watch gay porn and feel nothing until I tell myself it’s two attractive dudes and love is love and imagine physical sensations and then it hits like suddenly. Like I have to convince myself it’s alright. Then when I try again I can do all that but feel nothing and then straight porn works. Idk if it’s just getting a fix or the first time works with anything or what but it’s confusing. On top of that I’ve felt girl relationships including my wife maybe miss something and a guy maybe matches that feeling that but then I feel like I’d be missing something without a girl or my wife. Idk I’ve had some rough times in life with male figures in my life but idk. I feel like I have to convince myself more and more that I’m straight even more than the first time I dealt with this. Can someone relate? Please

yaya_zz

Date posted: 11w

Sexual ocd

Hey guys so I have been suffering with sexual ocd due to the fact that I don’t feel that romantic spark with him anymore, I love him and I know I do but I get to much in my thoughts thinking about why can’t I feel that anymore what has changed what if I don’t wanna be with anymore I’ve been with him for 4 years and at first I think it was ROCD but now I started thinking what if I’m into girls now I’ve always been the type to say oh a girl is so pretty or I like this about her but now I feel like every time I see a girl I’m like do I see myself in a relationship with her oh she’s pretty oh I like her voice do I find it attractive and sometimes I do !!! Which is killing me I feel disgust thinking about because what if I secretly am no shame to people who are my sister herself is but I just feel wierd because I wanna be with my husband and feel happy there not with a girl and feel like a man because I see myself in the mirrior and I’m like do I myself being a man do I look lesbian? Do I act lesbian or bi? What if secretly I wanna be a man or I imagine myself being a man in a relationship with a pretty girl and idk what to think

Sexual Orientation OCD

anonymouscookie

Date posted: 6w

so ocd and bisexuality

Hello everyone, I just wanted to share a part of my journey that I’m struggling with right now. I’ve been diagnosed with ocd and while this is not my first subtype, ROCD and so ocd have definitely been the ones I’ve been struggling with the most. For context I have a boyfriend who I love very much and am terrified of loosing. That’s probably what ocd latched onto. The so-ocd especially is tricky because I’ve come to acknowledge that I am bisexual. Don’t worry I didn’t “discover” this through ocd, I’ve always known and it’s been in the back of my mind way before ocd, I had just never really directly acknowledged it because romantically I just always leaned towards men. The thing my ocd latched onto is “what if you are actually a lesbian and don’t know it yet and will have to leave your partner or are lying to your partner or end up leading him on” The thing is, I don’t have much experience with women except kissing my female best friend once, which didn’t feel special or made me have romantic feelings for her. I’ve always seeked men more actively than women and didn’t feel like I was gonna miss out if I get into a serious relationship with a man before having had more experience. I just know that I can be sexually attracted to women as well. But now that I’m in this beautiful relationship I’m terrified of getting it wrong or having missed something about myself or being scared that I’m actually a lesbian and have been lying to myself all along. I’m not seeking reassurance, just wanting to share and maybe someone else is going through something similar? If so I’d be so grateful to know I’m not alone. I love my boyfriend dearly and i really hope we will work out in the long run.

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