I struggle with HOCD & ROCD. Growing up, I was crazy about guys! In fact, I always prioritized my crushes. Like I cared about my friends but I guess it’s the way movies portrayed love. I was crazy for my Prince Charming. Then... high school happened. First relationship & suddenly bam, HOCD hit me. It went away cuz I started getting busy but once I fell in love again, HOCD & ROCD came back. Anyway, part of growing I guess I am realizing value of different relationships but... now I feel like I don’t know different forms of love. Only understand romantic because that’s what I valued before so caring for someone else besides my boyfriend like friends of stranger feels weird... more like I don’t know love in other way I guess besides romantic. As if other relations were just there... now I feel like I am caring deeper for others and I am not used to it. Idk how to explain but I wanna see if someone else has gone through similar experience.

I’ve reached a breaking point and people seem to be noticing. A week ago somebody had moved something at work on my desk and it bothered me so much it sent me into a breakdown. Like I’ve always had ocd and the more I think about it I feel like I’ve always had ROCD because growing up I’d have such strong feelings for boys and then as soon as I was about to date them, cut them off because in my head I was scared they would have to settle. Like I’d purposely find something I don’t like about them and then get scared I’d have to spend my life with them. I was 15, why would I be marrying them??? in my head it made sense though. Every connection I had with a boy was alway ruined with these thoughts. I’d be out on a date and then see another cute boy and then be like wow do I really want to go any further with the guy I’m on a date with if there are so many other guys out there??? How do I know they’re the one?? I didn’t even know ROCD was a thing but it makes sense that I’ve had it all my life right?? I always passed it off as being really picky but now it just seems like ROCD. And then my family really honing in on my relationships and asking when I’d get a boyfriend really fucked with me. In my head I’d be like “I’ll get one when I find the right one” but to them I always had a feeling they thought I was just gay. Like I’d get so defensive like hello I’m just picky!!! Then everyone at work started asking and the more they’d ask the more I’d start to worry. I’d be more cautious of the way I’d dress and things I’d do and I’m starting to think that all that started to build up and now I have HOCD. Does that seem like a possibility to anyone? because now the intrusive thoughts are just “what if you’re not picky and you’re just gay?” but then I think back to all the times and all the feelings I’ve had for so many guys that got ruined because of my fears of commitment. Could it have been ROCD all along?

Okay so I have been struggling with HOCD for so fucking long. I never felt like I had crushes on boys growing up but I wasn’t attracted to girls either (this was through 5th grade). Until 6th grade hit. I remember it like it was yesterday. I had the thought walking up the stairs and it was “You’re lesbian.” And ever since that thought was there and I fought it I have been dealing with all types of OCD ever since (been going on for 7 years). And only this year I found it was OCD. But it’s hard because I don’t know if I’m actually gay or I convinced myself I’m gay because I gave up and gave in. Now whenever I see I pretty girl I feel tingling. And I wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t a lesbian so I look up pretty pictures of girls with their boobs out and I loved it. And I wanna make out with a girl so intensely. But then at the same I don’t wanna be in a relationship with a girl and I wanna marry a guy and I just desperately wanted to be like by a guy. But I get so horny whenever girls are in bikinis and stuff. But I have OCD and I’m so confused.

HOCD, ROCD and TOCD . . . So my OCD recently all began with ROCD, I felt guilty all the time with my boyfriend, I wanted to stay with him so bad and I love him so much but my anxiety kept telling me to leave and that something wasn't right, that I'm going to be alone forever. Then my HOCD came up, "something doesn't seem right, what if you're actually gay?" and I struggled with this for about 2-3 months. After accepting that even if I am gay, I'm staying with my boyfriend.. The theme of being a transgender came up. That was the absolute worst of them all. It was at a time my anxiety was at its Peak so I was feeling disassociated and my mind just tried to explain that feeling as "you're in the wrong body". I was thoroughly convinced I was a man in a girls body for a solid 3 weeks, I woke up and that was the first thing on my mind "your a man and now youre going to lose your boyfriend, your life and everything that makes you, you." I didn't want to be a man, but my mind was saying "too bad, you are". I eventually went to therapy for this feeling, (they didn't diagnose me with OCD so they weren't treating me as an OCD patient) the thoughts eventually went away but now I'm back on my HOCD. Ive now thorougly convinced myself that I'm gay and will be with a woman for the rest of my life. I don't want to be and this thought scares me. I want to be with my boyfriend, not a woman. But my mind is saying "too bad, just accept that your a lesbian, you're in denial, just come out" but I don't want to be a lesbian ? can anyone relate to the feeling of convincing yourself to the point where you believe it?