Obsession or compulsion? I'm getting so confused. So normally something scary pops into my head and I start thinking about it. And I pull in other things, related things, or make it a lot worse than it it. I can think myself to the point of a panic attack. I thought this was a compulsion, because I can do it for hours and if I'm interrupted I have to start over. But I stop doing it because it does me no good and brings me to panic levels of anxiety. I'm really confused now because I'm starting ERP and the goal of exposure is to get myself really anxious. Well googling and ruminating is what makes me really anxious..... but it's also what I do for hours and can't stop... so.... what do I do? If I obsess and google to the point of a panic attack to "expose" myself then what? I would still just google and obsess. ? If I have the initial thought and just don't ruminate it just goes away and I'm no longer anxious. And that seems way too easy. I can't be doing this right.

I see where you're getting confused. Let's try to straighten it out :) the obsession is the initial scary thought. It is spontaneous and elicits distress. The thinking about it, googling, and ruminating are compulsions. Those are behaviors that you respond to the obsessions with. As you've now noticed, any relief you used to get from them has vanished. Exposure and Response Prevention has two parts. Exposure is when we intentionally trigger an obsession. Response Prevention is when we choose not to do compulsions. Response Prevention is the more important part. This impact ERP has is to cause distress at first, but that distress isn't the goal. Think of ERP like lifting weights to build muscle. Lifting weights causes muscle a he's and soreness, but that's not the point of it. You wouldn't intentionally injure your muscles to cause that pain. I'd reframe the goal of ERP practice to be "I can have uncomfortable thoughts and all the feelings that come with them and still function effectively"

Thank you for taking your time to answer this, it means a lot. And that makes a lot of sense! I do always have the initial panic from the thought but I'm getting pretty good at letting it go and not reacting to it. ? I learned all of this through talk therapy though and a mixture of acceptance and response (I think that's what it's called) and CBT. I'm really nervous about ERP because I'm scared I'll mess up the progress I've made and what really threw me for a loop was my couselor asking if I stopped the thinking so I didn't feel the distress. Well yes, but also I stop it because it's an compulsionand does me no good. So I'm worried now that stopping the compulsion is a compulsion in itself. But I don't really think that's true. I'm nervous though that I may be told to not stop the thinking and let myself ruminate and get more panicky. It's amazing how when I focus on the body and just the sensations, my distress may be intense but it's completely manageable and I can handle it. It's when I'm making it worse by being in my head that is really excruciating.

I do the "remember when I was a kid thing" a lot and always try to find evidence that matches my schema. Brains are silly sometimes. ? I also do scenarios like the one you mentioned but it's normally over the course of 20 minutes and is a product of catastrophizcatastrophizing. But hey, that might be a great idea. Yeah, maybe this is horrible. Maybe my husband will leave me. I'll be all alone and sad for the rest of my life. And then fight the urge to keep thinking about it or telling someone.

It takes a lot of practice to master, but trust me it’s worth it. And Katie is exactly right, it’s kinda like weight lifting. Think of OCD has a heavy 100 pound weight you carry with you around daily, the more you train though. Eventually that 100 pound weight will feel like it’s 5 pounds, it’s still there mind you but it’s only an annoyance.

Can't wait to give it all I got!

There's a difference between repeating the thought that scared you until it gets boring and ruminating

Ah, yeah, what I do is definitely ruminating. I look for evidence for a lot of stuff like that. Pedophilia isn't my major fear, I don't feed that one a lot so it normally leaves me alone, lol. The majority of my distress comes from past actions. I have a memory, feel an intense amounamount of guilt or shame or fear and then analyze it a million ways to figure out how bad it is and then fight the urge to confess it to someone so they know.

It's like a big "f you" to the anxiety when you imagine the worst case scenario up front.

I'll try that. I like the SOS feature on here and normally I just sit with the thought or say, "it's just a thought." But for the really bad ones I have just sat with the worst case scenario. I'll try that more often.

Thanks for all your input today, it's been really insightful.