Lately I've been having intrusive racist thoughts and its driving me insane. I get triggered everytime my sister comes over (she says the n word a lot) and I get pissed off and yell at her but then the word will replay in my mind and I cant make it stop. I feel terrible. Every time i look at a poc now my brain will point out their race and keep telling me to look at their skin color as if it's something of importance. How do you treat this subset of ocd? I havent seen a lot of people with it :(

I have had some thoughts like that. I just kinda tell myself “well if I’m racist then so be it” after a bit it goes away

This just means that you really value equality

I get this annoying one where I become very aware of how long I spend looking at any poc and want it to be a really neutral amount of time, it's like I'm worried I'll be accused of looking at someone for too long, or too short, or in the wrong way and it'll be taken as racism or upset them? If I've glanced at someone and I notice they're a poc, I don't want to look away again like I was probably going to so I keep looking at them long enough for it to definitely not be perceived as a SLY glance, but not too long that it makes it worse again. I always look people of colour right in the face too when with others I don't think I'd pay that much attention to where I'm looking during a conversation, it's some kind of combination of not wanting them to think I'm staring at their skin colour and wanting them to know I'm paying attention and respect them and DON'T feel weird about them or find eye contact hard. I have no clue. It's actually very annoying, it kicks in as soon as my brain notices skin colour and comes with a little kick of guilt. This is actually the first time I've ever considered that it could be OCD, I always thought a lot of people have it. Maybe they do. Or maybe it's some precursor of OCD? I don't dwell on it at other times, or try to figure out if it's racism because I know all the reasons why I'm not, and basing whether I'm racist on this instead of on my actions and actual thoughts about other races and microaggressions, wouldn't make sense. Plus I actually don't find the eye contact hard, it can feel quite nice to look people in the face, and that's coming from an autistic person here. Have also had crushes on a couple of black girls who were 100% my type (short and chubby and bubbly and feminine). I didn't have this thing in my head with those girls, which I guess means that my hormones beat out my anxiety ? Anyway- what Lilly suggests might work actually. Taking a bit of a sarcastic tone with it, really treating it like it's not worth your time. When you get urges to look or catch yourself dwelling on thoughts or feelings that you're racist, try telling the thought "maybe later", or "I'll figure it out later". That can do wonders for just breaking the link between the trigger and the compulsions.

Yeah I feel you. I definitely needed a reminder that I cant be perfect, but I'll still try my best to be kind. I think I'm going to try that too, though I think the problem is that I grew up in a white suburban neighborhood with only one or two poc families around, so it's hard to face these fears. It does comfort me somewhat in a weird way when I think about how I fear and hate something so much that my brain just can't handle it and flips it around on me. Like I care that much. The article helped btw, it's nice to know it's more common.