- Date posted
- 5y
- Date posted
- 5y
I have had some thoughts like that. I just kinda tell myself “well if I’m racist then so be it” after a bit it goes away
- Date posted
- 5y
This just means that you really value equality
- Date posted
- 5y
I get this annoying one where I become very aware of how long I spend looking at any poc and want it to be a really neutral amount of time, it's like I'm worried I'll be accused of looking at someone for too long, or too short, or in the wrong way and it'll be taken as racism or upset them? If I've glanced at someone and I notice they're a poc, I don't want to look away again like I was probably going to so I keep looking at them long enough for it to definitely not be perceived as a SLY glance, but not too long that it makes it worse again. I always look people of colour right in the face too when with others I don't think I'd pay that much attention to where I'm looking during a conversation, it's some kind of combination of not wanting them to think I'm staring at their skin colour and wanting them to know I'm paying attention and respect them and DON'T feel weird about them or find eye contact hard. I have no clue. It's actually very annoying, it kicks in as soon as my brain notices skin colour and comes with a little kick of guilt. This is actually the first time I've ever considered that it could be OCD, I always thought a lot of people have it. Maybe they do. Or maybe it's some precursor of OCD? I don't dwell on it at other times, or try to figure out if it's racism because I know all the reasons why I'm not, and basing whether I'm racist on this instead of on my actions and actual thoughts about other races and microaggressions, wouldn't make sense. Plus I actually don't find the eye contact hard, it can feel quite nice to look people in the face, and that's coming from an autistic person here. Have also had crushes on a couple of black girls who were 100% my type (short and chubby and bubbly and feminine). I didn't have this thing in my head with those girls, which I guess means that my hormones beat out my anxiety ? Anyway- what Lilly suggests might work actually. Taking a bit of a sarcastic tone with it, really treating it like it's not worth your time. When you get urges to look or catch yourself dwelling on thoughts or feelings that you're racist, try telling the thought "maybe later", or "I'll figure it out later". That can do wonders for just breaking the link between the trigger and the compulsions.
- Date posted
- 5y
I have the same exact thoughts and reactions, and I guess the reason it ties into my ocd is because I'm afraid of seeming offensive. I'm a lesbian so I know what it's like to be viewed as different, but I'm also a white woman, and I dont want to treat other people that way, so I try hard to not do or say certain things because I know they're wrong. I guess my ocd just latches onto that, and twists it around on me. I've had a crush on my poc friend before and never questioned her skin color, it's people's personality I pay attention to, but now my brain is jumbled and I'm doubting myself. I'll try mocking the thoughts though and see if that helps, thank you for the advice.
- Date posted
- 5y
@worryqueen Hah yeah I'm bi too, it's tricky trying to be self aware and considerate without getting obsessive about it. Try to remember that you don't have to, and, seeing as you're human, can't, get everything right. I'm going to try to deliberately look at poc weirdly the next time I'm out to challenge this. Yeah there's the risk someone will think I'm racist. But it'll be an opportunity to face the guilt about it which should hopefully make it easier to stop moderating how I look at people. Honestly the fact that we care about other people's comfort enough to end up in anxious thought loops probably says something positive, it's not our fault that our brains go OTT. And this link says interracial interactions cause everyone anxiety spikes anyway: https://perception.org/research/racial-anxiety/
- Date posted
- 5y
Yeah I feel you. I definitely needed a reminder that I cant be perfect, but I'll still try my best to be kind. I think I'm going to try that too, though I think the problem is that I grew up in a white suburban neighborhood with only one or two poc families around, so it's hard to face these fears. It does comfort me somewhat in a weird way when I think about how I fear and hate something so much that my brain just can't handle it and flips it around on me. Like I care that much. The article helped btw, it's nice to know it's more common.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 22w
my ocd has been all over the place the past few days and it’s really exhausting. it’s convincing me i’m lesbian, im racist, i don’t like my bf, or im dying of 5 different diseases. im so tired. i’ve been more physical and keeping myself busy so im not sure why its acting up. within the past hour my ocd told me that i secretly like girls and i cant date my bf and that im racist bc i didn’t think a guy who is a poc was attractive. i feel like a horrible person and i feel like it won’t stop.
- Date posted
- 16w
How do you deal with pocd. I mean...things that trigger you.For example someone said something really really disturbing on tik tok.And I am scared.I am scared this triggered me in the first place.Like what does it mean abt me? And I wont say what they said because is disgusting.I am scared I am a bad person and a disgusting......I am scared to go outside ( i am scared i am a...p) .And bcs of people who think like that.I am I am like them.Any advice?
- Date posted
- 15w
Cross post from Reddit: TW Religious ocd TW Racism This is going to confuse a lot of people but I’ll try my best. OCD could be tricking me. I don’t know. But I’ll do my best to explain. Warning: there are some extremely sensitive themes including racism. OCD has caused me to worry about making bad prayers. It is mainly an anxiety of what others would think of if I prayed for something bad. Basically, it can think of something bad, and I can think of why I want it, and say “amen” pretty easily. Not sure if that constitutes a prayer really since it is ocd driven, and might even feel more real to me than it actually is, but it gets very complicated. None of this makes any logical sense to anyone but me, but to me it makes sense and that’s the issue. My mind invented something where I can pray to pray for something. Yes, that’s right, and it makes no sense. Essentially these ideas for prayers come in automatically. I don’t necessarily choose them. I can somewhat choose how I react, but that is where it gets tricky. OCD also blunts my emotions with certain prayers or makes things feel more real than they are So, what happened, is my ocd targeted the theme I was most worried about having a bad prayer about, which was unfortunately racism. In the past, I made a mistake that was racist (I won’t get into what it was here), and I thought about it a lot. I imagined people never wanting to forgive me and saying I deserve to suffer forever. Additionally, worrying about making racist prayers made this go up. It was frustrating, because with ocd it can take what people say too literally. So if someone says: “you deserve to suffer,” I might be thinking that thinking about it 10 hours a day for multiple months was justified. This made me have a misdirected frustration towards the people I perceived as yelling at me, which was unfortunately people of color. Here’s where ocd comes in with the prayer obsession. OCD gave me the idea: well you’re so mad at them you could pray for them all to die. Unfortunately, with the prayer obsession I’ve had, I’ve had a bit of a history with doing bad prayers when I’m not feeling great, and I don’t know if that is just part of the ocd or not, or just doing them to do them. One example is world war 3. I don’t want people to get hurt, but when I was feeling horrible I thought “screw it, I’ll pray for it cause I want to die.” I knew God wouldn’t actually do it, and the normal me didn’t want him to. Then, and I don’t know why, it seemed extremely easy for a moment to pray for people of color to die, and I actually almost did it, but I stopped myself. This is where the praying to pray comes in. With ocd, if I have a moment where I almost did a bad prayer, my mind “saves” that mindset, and it is possible for me to go back to it any time. So this situation will present itself many times to me. With praying to pray, I can essentially be put back in the mindset at any time no matter what is going on, and by saying “amen,” my brain basically magically does it and it feels like the same thing. Because it feels real to me, it seems like the same thing as a prayer. Last night that is what I did for this and I regretted it less than a two seconds later. So basically, I ended up doing a prayer that was racist. This is exactly what happened in that moment. This isn’t who I normally am (although my brain would disagree), but in that moment, with magical thinking, I prayed for all people of color to die, out of what my brain said was “hatred.” My brain also said I felt genuine hatred, but I don’t think I really do. I think it is all related to a misdirected frustration of feeling like I was yelled at, which stemmed from ocd. After the prayer, all those feelings were immediately gone. I don’t know how messed up my brain was, or how much of a role ocd played. It probably at least blunted my emotions. It sort of came on all of the sudden too, but I did it. I’m really sorry. I don’t hate people of color despite what my brain says, but I feel like I did something really bad. When I sit with what happened and don’t engage with it, it does not feel like a big deal at all. The guilt is almost all ocd driven. So I don’t know if that means there is something I’m missing or not. I might be missing something, but I know what happened in the moment
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