Trigger warning..? I am curious to see if anyone else has ever done or experienced this or something similar? When I was about 10, 11 years old I was cooking with my mom. I remember scaring the crap out of her because there was a hot pan on the stove and I couldn’t stop trying to touch it, so i did and my mom freaked out at me.. Another incident I’ve never told anyone was around the same age I was ironing a shirt and I had all these terrible thoughts to put the hot iron on my stomach and I almost did I remember shaking and crying i was so scared i was afraid of myself. Is this a form of OCD? I haven’t done anything like this in years but it still pops up in my head sometimes and it makes me so sad that my childhood was so painful i just thought i was crazy and held it in for so long.

Please someone shed some insight I am in pure panic mode and might go check myself in to a mental health facility. Well guys.. the other night I was giving my 1 year old a bath. Everything was going great. I wrapped him up in his towel after the bath, took him to his room and put him on the changing table for a clean diaper and pjs. I recall thinking during this interaction how well I had been doing with my ocd the last few days. I then decided to face a fear of mine and glance at my babies diaper area, something I avoid at all costs. Again just to face a fear, I had zero ill intent. This made me uncomfortable. Next as I went to put his diaper on and this is where my memory gets fuzzy. All I know is that I purposely allowed my hand to touch his diaper area. There was literally zero thought behind it I just did it, I don’t know why. I will say I am certain I DID NOT DO THIS WILL ILL INTENT!! I would NEVER!! But I made a split second choice and let my hand touch. I didn’t even think through the action it all happened so fast. I feel absolutely horrible, disgusting, like I don’t deserve to be a mom.. I swear I didn’t do it for any sexual reason whatsoever but I still feel so awful I can’t live with myself right now.

I think I just need to vent about this and hopefully I’ll feel better. When I was a teen (somewhere between 12 and 18, fuzzy about when exactly) I found some weird fetish porn. I didn’t even know what I was doing because my sex ed was terrible, but I ended up getting off to it. I remember being confused, scared, and VERY secretive. I ended up being funneled into a community that ultimately was very harmful for me as a young teen, one that I don’t think I would have been anywhere near if I hadn’t stumbled onto it. Now that I’m in my late 20s, I recognize that this was not a good situation. I think I was into it because it was paired with things I do like, because of the secrecy and anxiety, and just sheer exposure. But that doesn’t stop me from every once in a while being absolutely terrified that I secretly like it. It’s nerve wracking, because I wonder if I just convinced myself I didn’t like it because I assigned moral value to it. I had friends that thought it was disgusting. But at the end of the day, I didn’t stop because of other people, I stopped because I found myself not wanting it anymore. I just stopped wanting it. Now, I don’t want it. Even though I’ve done my best to remove the moral quantity to it, I just don’t want to do it and the thought makes me uncomfortable and icked out. So… yeah. I’ve talked to my therapist before. It was the first time I ever cried in therapy. I think I need to talk through it more. I’m comforted knowing I don’t want to act on any of the intrusive thoughts I get about it, but knowing that I did things when I was a teen makes it hard. I just have to remind myself I was a child, I know what was happening. But it’s hard

The other day I was with my mom and I had these intense urge to do this horrible thought, and a knife was in the table and I grabbed it but I grabbed it knowing that I know I was not capable of doing it and I put in the sink, I had to grab it in order for me to stop the “urge” that I was having. I love this women with all my life she’s been my inspiration to keep going forward, but ocd is telling me that I grabbed the knife because I actually wanted to do it. I don’t know if what I did was ok or not, or if I’m actually dangerous.