IhateOCD99
- Date posted
- 5y
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 5y
I strongly urge you to call a crisis line, or if you have a therapist a lot of therapy offices have on call counselors you can reach if you call the office number. Sometimes it takes a moment to explain what ocd is, but seeking help if you feel you might hurt yourself is important. You are a valued and important person and I know it’s hard, but life can get better and you’ll be so happy that you pushed through this dark place. I’ve been there before and I’m sorry that you feel stuck there now. But it’s never hopeless, even if your brain tells you it is.
lms2000lms2000
- Date posted
- 5y
i’m so sorry:( you’re not alone and it really does get better!!!! is there anyone you can talk to about how you’re feeling?
IhateOCD99IhateOCD99
- Date posted
- 5y
Thanks for your kindness. I want to believe you, and one year ago I would have believed things will get better. But last two years, it did not get better. Everything became worse. I also have nobody who I can talk to. I just don't have any reason to life. Every day is a battle and I want peace. I'm done with having OCD. What's the point of living a life that I hate?
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 5y
You are not alone! You can get through this!
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 5y
I know your message was not directed towards me but, I’m not going to act like I haven’t felt how you are feeling right now, Because I have.. and I sometimes do. But just know that you are stronger than this, you are better than this. This does not have to define your life. And it definitely does not define you. It is a mental battle and it feels like we won’t ever find peace . I know exactly how you are feeling. I’m struggling myself . I will pray for you and I. Don’t let OCD win.
IhateOCD99IhateOCD99
- Date posted
- 5y
Thanks for your kind responses. I'm sorry you also felt like this before. I just don't know what the point of life is anymore. Everyday battling your own stupid mind is a nightmare. I'm exhausted and don't know how much longer I can take this. It seems so me that the only way to stop this nightmare is to end it. This is really fucked up ?
phoenix76phoenix76
- Date posted
- 5y
Are you connected to a therapist? If you are having thoughts of harming yourself I would urge you to seek immediate help, I apologize in advance if what I am saying is off base
ocdillustratedocdillustrated
- Date posted
- 5y
I second everything that has been said in responses so far. Especially reaching out for professional help for the suicidal ideation. If you're up for a conversation that might untangle some twisted beliefs, try reflecting on this question: what makes a day "ruined"?
IhateOCD99IhateOCD99
- Date posted
- 5y
My day is totally ruined because I was searching thinks up on Google for more than 90% of my day. Even at work I get my phone and start looking things up. In addition, I feel anxious and terrible all day. I'm exhausted of living this way. I wish I could stop to look for reassurance, but I can't deal with uncertainty. I wanted to stop these thoughts for two years now, and there are still getting stronger and more meaningful. I hope am not the only one who sees it this way, but thinking about suicide is not weird under these circumstances right?
ocdillustratedocdillustrated
- Date posted
- 5y
@bm99 Spending ninety percent of the day doing compulsions is certainly distressing. I imagine that there were loads of things you'd prefer to have done instead. Coupled with feeling anxious and terrible, I can see why you'd conclude that the whole day was bad. I'm curious about the ten percent of the day you didn't do compulsions. Can you tell us about those? Those moments are successes to build on
IhateOCD99IhateOCD99
- Date posted
- 5y
@NOCD Advocate - Katie Well because I was at work, I had to work of course. The 10% was the time that I was working. While working I got thoughts which I had to check out and proof not to be true, so I went outside and started to Google things about POCD and HOCD. When I went home I had to study for my exams. I managed to study for one hour and that was it. The rest of the day I was laying in my bed looking for reassurance and feeling very anxious and terrible.
ocdillustratedocdillustrated
- Date posted
- 5y
Did you complete some portion of your work?
IhateOCD99IhateOCD99
- Date posted
- 5y
Yes I did. I just sometimes slipped out to seek reassurance on my phone. I only worked in the morning, so most of the reassurance seeking was in the mid-day and evening. Apart from one hour studying, I was constantly thinking of ways to reassure myself. I think it's probably more than 13 hours of being busy with these thoughts
ocdillustratedocdillustrated
- Date posted
- 5y
@bm99 Can you give yourself enough compassion to recognize the moments of success (work, the hour of studying) without canceling them out by thinking of the hours of OCD? Good and bad parts of the day exist separately, they don't negate each other
IhateOCD99IhateOCD99
- Date posted
- 5y
@NOCD Advocate - Katie Yes I can. But the thing is that always giving in to seek reassurance makes everything worse. But I just can't stop it. I just want to know that these thoughts are not me. Today is also a shit day. I'm very anxious again and my mind is telling me I'm just in denial. I hate this..
ocdillustratedocdillustrated
- Date posted
- 5y
@bm99 Perhaps delaying reassurance seeking can be a halfway step to eliminating it
Related posts
geodrimilis
- Date posted
- 24w
I need this to end.
I’ve completely lost myself. I can’t focus on my studies, I can’t go to the gym. Dang it I can’t even be around my male friends normally anymore. I got no idea why or how this happened but the only thing I know for sure is that I never questioned my sexuality neither doubted it. I never cared in general. I just liked girls. I keep testing and keep testing and keep testing my arousal but no matter how many times I see but I don’t feel the same way for guys that I do with girls my mind will always try to make me believe that I am gay. It’s like it’s forcing me into an identity I never asked for. But at the end of the day like my psychologist told me. Sexuality doesn’t change. So since I never felt anything for guys in my life it’s ocd. I’ve been up and down for 5 months now and while the last week I was feeling way better. Monday now and I’m back to zero. I just want to go back when everything was normal. I can’t keep living with this.
HOY
- Date posted
- 21w
i dont know if its gonna get better
since february i have "POcd". Initial symptoms were thoughts, but then I did a testing compulsion during an intimate time, and I spiraled ever since. I struggle with addiction to smut. I'm cutting that out, but I feel as if it is too late. Ive never experienced this much mental, and emotional anguish in my life. On my time on this application I have given advice to others, and helped around, but I wonder if that even applies to me. Millions of times I wish I could turn back time and be more careful. I want to prevent many things, including what led me to spiral into OCD in the first place. I'm surely having an OCD episode. I have gotten a diagnosis, but I'm still not sure. I feel evil, cause unlike many here, I tested on my body sensations and it backfired (twice) I know I'm not supposed to figure out why that is the case, but now I have to live with it for the rest of my life even if its something I don't desire. This is disgusting for me, it is abhorrent. I could've never seen this coming. Day by day I've become more fearful of living with this, "OCD". I was a normal person before this, I knew what I was attracted to, I know my preferences, so why did this come about? This is singlehandedly the most painful thing that has happened to me and I have nobody but myself to blame. I am scared of death but I also would'nt mind sleeping for years on end. My parents and brother were understanding of my situation, but I failed them regardless. I don't want them to see me this way, nor do I want them to learn more of my predicament. I'm cooked. I know it, Fin, thats all folks. I'm only 20 and I already have other diagnosed mental illness so I recklessly brought upon myself another one. Its agonizing to live through, I wish this on nobody, not even my worst enemy. I can't even identify myself at this point. Its tearing me apart.
Vee <3
- Date posted
- 17w
Heyyyy!
So my OCD has been bad lately. I’ve been ruminating and obsessing over my sexuality again. And it just keeps getting worse. I hate it so much. I try to sit with the discomfort but then my ocd does the backdoor spike. And the groinal response is what keeps me looped. It SUCKS. I am not attracted to men, but my OCD is trying SO hard to convince me that I am. There have been days where I’m just so mentally exhausted that I “accept” what my ocd tells me and I just walk around a hollow, lethargic shell. But then I rethink it and I feel better. It feels like I can only find my TRUE self when I tire my nervous system out enough that it literally breaks down and has me suicidal and hopeless. And then accepting my OCD’s “truth” (that I’m attracted to men) feels like a burden and a chore. I woke up today from an OCD dream, tried to go back to sleep, and my stomach kept cramping bc I was so anxious and ruminating over my intrusive thoughts. I’m starting to doubt it being OCD anymore. My brain is too tired to fight and cry about it anymore.
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