I’m so scared I’m a lesbian again I still don’t want it bc tho but for some reason the thoughts font make me as uncomfortable or anxious as they once did Barely even at all And that makes me feel like I’m actually a lesbian and as I’ve been getting better it’s coming out Ughhhhh why:/ But I still don’t want it and at the same time am still uncomfortable at the thought of it like I just got uncomfy and anxious rn Smh

Last night I took my meds to help me sleep and I kept waking up throughout the night with thoughts like “I’m really a lesbian now” or “I’m ok with it now, this is what I prefer”. I really feel like everyday for a couple of days now, I’ve woken up feeling more and more like my preferences have completely changed. The first few days was major anxiety, panic attacks, then I had a really bad double-bind and reversal spiral, and I became a little bit calmer since then. Now I feel like I’m managing the thoughts without anxiety or panic like I’m used to, but now it feels like I really want them and that I’m ok with it. Like I don’t care anymore. But the thing is, in between all of the mini spiral episodes I’ve had, I had these little moments of clarity like “I’m not giving up on my fantasies of men” or “I’ve always wanted men, that doesn’t just change”. But last night I’ve had really sexual dreams that I’m having trouble interpreting. I had one where I think it was me sleeping with a guy, but I woke up frantically because I think the roles got reversed, but I’m not sure. Another one I was a random woman with a husband, but I think the roles got reversed again so I woke up immediately. Both times it felt like arousal. Obviously I still care somewhat if I’m still here asking, but my brain or maybe me (I’m really not sure anymore) is telling me that I’m a lesbian now and I prefer it. It’s like I don’t care and want it now. It’s like I’m not even feeling confusion about it. I don’t know if it’s because of the meds, I’ve been distracted (family in town), because I’m in maybe quieter stages after two bad spiral episodes, or because I’ve really changed. It’s literally like I think being a lesbian will be enjoyable now but I don’t want that, even if my brain (and body apparently) keeps telling me that. I was told that ocd doesn’t change who you are, but now I’m worried that what I thought was background noise leading up to another spiral was suppressed self discovery (I’ve had two major soocd episodes in my life: late high school and now a few years later).

i have had intense thoughts and fears about being gay today and i have been sick to my stomach. it just stopped and now im scared im accepting it and im not freaking out. i feel like im okay with it. I AM NOT OKAY WITH BEING GAY.

Hi everyone I'm 18 and recently discovered i have soocd. I remember having random thoughts about men and it would make me feel uncomfortable and have bad panic attacks. Sometimes I would have to leave class bc these thoughts was messing with my head. And sometimes I would avoid men bc of this. I remember having a sex dream about one of my guy classmate and when ever I seen him I would have hatred for him. These thoughts keep on repeating over and over in my head to the point where I don't reaction to it. I don't if I'm slowly realizing im actually into men, but I still have this weird gut feeling in my stomach when I think about it. I really don't wanna lose my identity as lesbian.