Shoudl I apologize for something I did when I was younger? I've posted about it before-- my sister was sleeping, and I put her hand in my breast. I was 10, she was 7 or 6. I feel like I should go to jail for what I did. A part of me even wants to convince my therapist that I did something wrong. I deserve to be punished, I feel like. Too many mistakes and slip ups in the past. How do I move on from mistakes that happened that hurt other people?

U r ri8. We all feel regetful for some events....and ocd makes it worse

You're right. I know you're right, but that part of me is so unsatisfied and starving for relief that i feel like in going to break down and end up doing something stupid. I hate it. I know I'm supposed to feel uncomfortable, that I shouldn't try to make myself feel better, but I feel like I need everyone's approval. Like if I were to get a girlfriend, I would need to tell her. I play it over in my head-- the scenarios of how it'd go down. They all end with me being misunderstood, rejected, hated, or arrested. I dont want someone to say they love me, if they dont know everything about me. What I've done. I feel like I owe them that.

@worryqueen It seems like a reasonable thing to eventually tell someone you're dating who you love and trust, sure. That's appropriately sharing personal experiences, it shouldn't be done as a confession trying to get reassurance about it so that you can feel better about it, but it's good to share. However, again the idea of them rejecting you based on it despite nobody else ever having done so in the slightest is only so vivid because you imagine it all the time. Those are imagined scenarios, not accurate predictions of the future. To assume they're likely is to not give anyone the benefit of the doubt that they're a sensible, empathetic person. Is it possible you're taking the idea of the worst possible feelings you think others might have towards you, and then judging yourself that way in a sense of kind of... Hurting yourself badly so that nobody else can hurt you by making you feel bad about? OCD does tend to be centred around urges to *feel safe*, even if that sense of safety is false or isn't worth it. I don't think that being prepared for a possible scary or upsetting or confrontational or triggering future scenario, is actually worth what you're sacrificing for it.

@Scoggy But what if they do reject me? What if they think I took advantage of her-- even though I was young, they might think it's weird why I'm focused on it today. I just want to know if what I did was right or wrong, and I feel like I need everyone's approval. I need someone to judge me, but even when they do I find someone else to tell. Nothing is ever good enough. Even when I did confess part of what I did to my sister, the obsession went away. For a long time. But now it's back. Maybe if I tell her the whole story I can move on for good. But I don't want to do that, because it'll ruin our relationship. I feel like I have to keep it to myself,even though that's not what my ocd wants. I do think you're right, and that what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, it all obscures the actual event,and how other people would view it. I cant look at it in a normal way, though, so I project that onto other people and assume they wont either. If I love someone, and i tell them, and they call me disgusting-- or say they're disappointed in me, I'd probably self harm. That's what I did last time. I just wish I never did it, and i wish i could move past it but i feel like i never will.

@worryqueen Åhh, "what if", the calling card of OCD. What if they judge and reject you? You would handle it. You're loved and you're safe.

@worryqueen Your mind is trying to keep you prepared for the worst case scenarios, to keep you safe. In truth? Some people might judge you, most people won't. In particular if they get to know you then they wouldn't make assumptions on it that you're a predator or see it as an accurate reflection of who you are as an adult with full awareness of social boundaries etc. If you started dating them and they told you the same story, would you treat them the way you fear being treated? Anyone who wouldn't accept the whole of you is simple not worth your time. Rejection is a sad part of life, but it's not everything in life. There are happy things too, and you're missing them trying to be prepared for rejection. I honestly recommend moving your focus over to how you would get through it if your fears came true. It helps me a TON, it takes away the urgency that I need to solve the problem *right now* or dwell on feelings of shame. You can survive feeling guilty and living your life despite it-- and I assure you, over time it goes away. You develop a lot more perspectives and your self image changes and all that happens naturally, you just have to give it time. Also when we share secrets and things in a non confessy way and admit to our shame and are met with kindness it can be really healing, BUT at the same time you *have* to do response prevention and resist checking on it. Brené Brown has some really good YouTube videos about exposing our shame to others so it can be met with healing compassion. I think you need to expose it to yourself and give it some compassion.

@Scoggy I dont think I would. I feel l I'm e everything is a lose-lose situation for me.

@worryqueen Literally you're not a worthless person just from having not always been perfect. Please try to live in the grey area, it's a really good place to thrive. Being perfect is extremely fragile and if everybody who ever made a mistake just gave up on life and relationships, we couldn't even function as a society. We live in a really shamey culture right now and we need people brave enough to push for change: accountability, not shame. Guilt is "I did something wrong", shame is "I am something wrong". You're not damaged goods, you're not corrupted, you're not a blight, you're not undeserving. There is no such thing as a perfect person. You belong here just as much as anyone else.

@worryqueen I think you underestimate yourself. Imagine your sister came to you with a similar story of something she remembered doing at a sleepover when she was the age you were. How would you see her then?

@worryqueen Also, you'd definitely handle it. You're muuuuuch more resilient than you think, a lot of us end up practically wishing our fears would come true so we don't have to live them out mentally every day, and it's always a RELIEF if they happen. Even if it made you feel at rock bottom, rock bottom is a great place to start building up from. If you were judged about it then you'd be loved, supported and backed up by all of us lot, your family, and plenty of other people. You can't say you'll only live your life on the condition that absolutely everybody approves of you. Something has to give.

@Scoggy *** almost a relief lol, I wouldn't go so far as to say always

@Scoggy Thank you for your kind words. Although I cant 100% believe them right now, I appreciate them. No one is perfect, yes, but I feel like we're all fairly good people. I don't feel like I am-- maybe that's because I've never heard anyone else irl have the same experiences as mine. Idk. If my sister told me she did something like that, I'm not sure what I would say. I would probably worry-- I wouldn't hate her, but it would make me feel weird about her, I guess. I just want to be happy, I want to coexist with the memory without analyzing it or judging it. Whenever I'm happy it pops up, I feel like I dont deserve to be happy. I dont deserve anything but punishment, in my mind. I wish it could go away.

@worryqueen This is 1 thing in the context of a whole life, there's no way it could define whether you're a good person or whether you deserve happiness, even if you took the literal worst interpretation of it. People go to prison for all sorts of things and even the penal system is designed for people to pay their dues and then have a fresh start. The government even in Western countries pretty much have to cater to the pettiest and harshest elements of society, that's why we have punishment built into our system at all and even THEY don't claim that people who make mistakes don't deserve the opportunity to move on from it. Even in prison for LIFE people have rights to do things like socialise, have their health needs attended to, have access to books and media and contact with everybody else outside, have human relationships, have hobbies etc. We don't deny people of access to love or consideration even as a part of systematic punishment. The freaking human rights act is kinder to serial killers than you are being towards yourself.

@Scoggy Yes, I suppose you're right. Maybe legally, it's considered small, but what about morally? I guess that's where the grey area comes in. What am I supposed to do then? How do I restrain myself from confessing or doing other compulsions? It's like I'm surrounded by nails, having to tip toe around them to find my way towards a happy, successful life. I feel like I'm going to step on too many, or fall on them all eventually, if that makes sense. I dont want to, but my OCD is pushing me. I'm just bothered by the consent part of what I did. Sleeping people cant consent, and even children understand somewhat the concept. I should've known better... idk.