worryqueen
- Date posted
- 4y ago
OCDkyleOCDkyle
- Date posted
- 4y ago
OCD is latching onto it. When I was 10 I did something similar and OCD makes me want to confess all the time. Everyone has done something similar at that age. Confessing is a compulsion.
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 4y ago
U r ri8. We all feel regetful for some events....and ocd makes it worse
Angel20Angel20
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Confessing won’t make you feel any better, ocd will come up with another reason for you to still feel anxious about what happened and then you’ll probably regret confessing and start worrying about what the person you’ve confessed to is thinking as a result. Ocd just wants to keep you in the cycle so ignore what it wants you to do. It doesn’t have your best interests at heart.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Hmm, last time you wrote about this you were saying that you wanted to tell your therapist and mother and sister in more detail than you previously have and that after that you wouldn't need to confess anymore. That seems very unlikely. Once again you want to do extensive apologies which only harm and disturb other people. It sounds like those other people disagreeing with your catastrophic opinion about what happened doesn't actually help, just makes you feel misunderstood and like you want to argue and have them see you the way you see yourself, be punished etc. Step one to moving on is to stop spending your time ruminating about it. Maybe it caused her harm somehow even though she was literally unconscious at the time and maybe it didn't, maybe it means there's something inherently wrong with you, maybe it doesn't. You don't actually need to know, you haven't been appointed judge, jury and executioner. When you remember it and feel anxious, you don't actually need to run through it again looking for an answer. You do have the power to think about something else instead. You're not going to get closure by doing mental compulsions about it forever, you're only going to prolong it. You can live without closure, you just have to practice doing it.
worryqueenworryqueen
- Date posted
- 4y ago
You're right. I know you're right, but that part of me is so unsatisfied and starving for relief that i feel like in going to break down and end up doing something stupid. I hate it. I know I'm supposed to feel uncomfortable, that I shouldn't try to make myself feel better, but I feel like I need everyone's approval. Like if I were to get a girlfriend, I would need to tell her. I play it over in my head-- the scenarios of how it'd go down. They all end with me being misunderstood, rejected, hated, or arrested. I dont want someone to say they love me, if they dont know everything about me. What I've done. I feel like I owe them that.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@worryqueen It seems like a reasonable thing to eventually tell someone you're dating who you love and trust, sure. That's appropriately sharing personal experiences, it shouldn't be done as a confession trying to get reassurance about it so that you can feel better about it, but it's good to share. However, again the idea of them rejecting you based on it despite nobody else ever having done so in the slightest is only so vivid because you imagine it all the time. Those are imagined scenarios, not accurate predictions of the future. To assume they're likely is to not give anyone the benefit of the doubt that they're a sensible, empathetic person. Is it possible you're taking the idea of the worst possible feelings you think others might have towards you, and then judging yourself that way in a sense of kind of... Hurting yourself badly so that nobody else can hurt you by making you feel bad about? OCD does tend to be centred around urges to *feel safe*, even if that sense of safety is false or isn't worth it. I don't think that being prepared for a possible scary or upsetting or confrontational or triggering future scenario, is actually worth what you're sacrificing for it.
worryqueenworryqueen
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Scoggy But what if they do reject me? What if they think I took advantage of her-- even though I was young, they might think it's weird why I'm focused on it today. I just want to know if what I did was right or wrong, and I feel like I need everyone's approval. I need someone to judge me, but even when they do I find someone else to tell. Nothing is ever good enough. Even when I did confess part of what I did to my sister, the obsession went away. For a long time. But now it's back. Maybe if I tell her the whole story I can move on for good. But I don't want to do that, because it'll ruin our relationship. I feel like I have to keep it to myself,even though that's not what my ocd wants. I do think you're right, and that what I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, it all obscures the actual event,and how other people would view it. I cant look at it in a normal way, though, so I project that onto other people and assume they wont either. If I love someone, and i tell them, and they call me disgusting-- or say they're disappointed in me, I'd probably self harm. That's what I did last time. I just wish I never did it, and i wish i could move past it but i feel like i never will.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@worryqueen Åhh, "what if", the calling card of OCD. What if they judge and reject you? You would handle it. You're loved and you're safe.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@worryqueen Your mind is trying to keep you prepared for the worst case scenarios, to keep you safe. In truth? Some people might judge you, most people won't. In particular if they get to know you then they wouldn't make assumptions on it that you're a predator or see it as an accurate reflection of who you are as an adult with full awareness of social boundaries etc. If you started dating them and they told you the same story, would you treat them the way you fear being treated? Anyone who wouldn't accept the whole of you is simple not worth your time. Rejection is a sad part of life, but it's not everything in life. There are happy things too, and you're missing them trying to be prepared for rejection. I honestly recommend moving your focus over to how you would get through it if your fears came true. It helps me a TON, it takes away the urgency that I need to solve the problem *right now* or dwell on feelings of shame. You can survive feeling guilty and living your life despite it-- and I assure you, over time it goes away. You develop a lot more perspectives and your self image changes and all that happens naturally, you just have to give it time. Also when we share secrets and things in a non confessy way and admit to our shame and are met with kindness it can be really healing, BUT at the same time you *have* to do response prevention and resist checking on it. Brené Brown has some really good YouTube videos about exposing our shame to others so it can be met with healing compassion. I think you need to expose it to yourself and give it some compassion.
worryqueenworryqueen
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Scoggy I dont think I would. I feel l I'm e everything is a lose-lose situation for me.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@worryqueen Literally you're not a worthless person just from having not always been perfect. Please try to live in the grey area, it's a really good place to thrive. Being perfect is extremely fragile and if everybody who ever made a mistake just gave up on life and relationships, we couldn't even function as a society. We live in a really shamey culture right now and we need people brave enough to push for change: accountability, not shame. Guilt is "I did something wrong", shame is "I am something wrong". You're not damaged goods, you're not corrupted, you're not a blight, you're not undeserving. There is no such thing as a perfect person. You belong here just as much as anyone else.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@worryqueen I think you underestimate yourself. Imagine your sister came to you with a similar story of something she remembered doing at a sleepover when she was the age you were. How would you see her then?
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@worryqueen Also, you'd definitely handle it. You're muuuuuch more resilient than you think, a lot of us end up practically wishing our fears would come true so we don't have to live them out mentally every day, and it's always a RELIEF if they happen. Even if it made you feel at rock bottom, rock bottom is a great place to start building up from. If you were judged about it then you'd be loved, supported and backed up by all of us lot, your family, and plenty of other people. You can't say you'll only live your life on the condition that absolutely everybody approves of you. Something has to give.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Scoggy *** almost a relief lol, I wouldn't go so far as to say always
worryqueenworryqueen
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Scoggy Thank you for your kind words. Although I cant 100% believe them right now, I appreciate them. No one is perfect, yes, but I feel like we're all fairly good people. I don't feel like I am-- maybe that's because I've never heard anyone else irl have the same experiences as mine. Idk. If my sister told me she did something like that, I'm not sure what I would say. I would probably worry-- I wouldn't hate her, but it would make me feel weird about her, I guess. I just want to be happy, I want to coexist with the memory without analyzing it or judging it. Whenever I'm happy it pops up, I feel like I dont deserve to be happy. I dont deserve anything but punishment, in my mind. I wish it could go away.
FathomableFathomable
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@worryqueen This is 1 thing in the context of a whole life, there's no way it could define whether you're a good person or whether you deserve happiness, even if you took the literal worst interpretation of it. People go to prison for all sorts of things and even the penal system is designed for people to pay their dues and then have a fresh start. The government even in Western countries pretty much have to cater to the pettiest and harshest elements of society, that's why we have punishment built into our system at all and even THEY don't claim that people who make mistakes don't deserve the opportunity to move on from it. Even in prison for LIFE people have rights to do things like socialise, have their health needs attended to, have access to books and media and contact with everybody else outside, have human relationships, have hobbies etc. We don't deny people of access to love or consideration even as a part of systematic punishment. The freaking human rights act is kinder to serial killers than you are being towards yourself.
worryqueenworryqueen
- Date posted
- 4y ago
@Scoggy Yes, I suppose you're right. Maybe legally, it's considered small, but what about morally? I guess that's where the grey area comes in. What am I supposed to do then? How do I restrain myself from confessing or doing other compulsions? It's like I'm surrounded by nails, having to tip toe around them to find my way towards a happy, successful life. I feel like I'm going to step on too many, or fall on them all eventually, if that makes sense. I dont want to, but my OCD is pushing me. I'm just bothered by the consent part of what I did. Sleeping people cant consent, and even children understand somewhat the concept. I should've known better... idk.
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 4y ago
I can understand... its very hard to get rid of the regretful thoughts... U know.... u can write ur fearsome thoughts that causing distress in mind... And write a positive strategy or.... try to make urself understand that u did nothing wrong....its completely normal.... Look try to think....how can a normal person look at this?. Even acc to me.......this is not something....that is punishable or offensive. This is just a childhood silly thing. We all have them. Its completely normal
Related posts
Ellie.
- Date posted
- 25w ago
I’m not sure what to do some advice would be nice
I remembered something I did a couple of months ago that has changed me completely from trusting myself it was a conversation I had with my cousin and something they said unrelated made me remember this happening, I went into a full blown identity crisis i couldn’t walk out of my room or get out of my bed for months paranoid and scared of everything I’m still scared and feel like I don’t even deserve to shower I’m working on it slowly each day but I knew I had to get a therapist and I was diagnosed with ocd because of this event I remembered, and I just don’t know what to do…. I read online that it doesn’t matter how little or bad the event is it’s still ocd regardless when diagnosed but I know I have a compulsion to see others real events and it is nothing compared to mine which I shouldn’t compare but it’s difficult because no matter what I have to come to terms that it’s undeniably bad legally and morally what I did and it’s just so confusing how it’s something I JUST learned about months ago I’m literally in my mid 20s, and I went years without even realizing how troubled my childhood was and yes my real event happened during that time but I was still a teen and old enough to know better but I didn’t understand the magnitude of what I did at the time still no excuse though, this is where I don’t know what To do because 1. I already know what I did was awful and there’s no excuse for it 2. I can’t apologize in my situation that I don’t feel comfortable sharing specifics yet3. Yes I know I changed so much obviously I’m a grown adult now I know what’s appropriate and what’s not that’s why I’m so troubled over this and I never did anything like that again, I’m literally in the happiest relationship and seeing a therapist to also help me understand all this trauma, this event involved my cousin but even they are cool with me and very close as well hasn’t said anything I don’t know if they remember or not but it’s not something I can talk about with them at least not yet (again just don’t want to go in to specifics) but this is why is so confusing and has caused me to have intrusive thoughts about everything EVERYTHING the what ifs what if they remember what if I go to jail what if they hate me what if I’m denying who I have been and I’m this horrible person this whole time without even realizing and everything is a lie my relationship my joy for things what if I’m a ped, what if I can’t love or care what if I’m a person who just harms others manipulates I even spiraled thinking I was going to physically harm someone… it’s very bizarre to me because before my OCD my biggest anxiety was just having to learn how to drive…I’m in my 20s just to mention that again😭 I have probably almost all intrusive ocd categories, These thoughts never existed in my head until I remembered my event it has completely traumatized me but do I even deserve to feel better do I deserve to get help if I did something unforgivable do I move on or don’t? Should I even be living life I just feel guilty even breathing stepping outside I know for a fact if people knew they would never trust me they would feel like I probably should go to jail but do I go on to what others feel or myself? I know I wouldn’t harm anyone regardless of what my ocd tells me I never did anything like that again and wouldn’t but if it’s something that even legally I could be punished for does all of that not matter? I’m sorry I’m just trying to figure out what the right thing to do is , I’m continuing therapy and getting the help but obviously my therapist cannot say if I should be punished legally but even my boyfriend said that if I turned myself in they wouldn’t even take me seriously because I don’t even remember everything fully it was so long ago, but from what I do remember it’s still bad enough mainly just of me being a teen, I don’t want to make that event my identity but I just am so freaked out I feel awful what if I caused trauma to another person and all these years I didn’t even know, this event only happened once that I remember, there were things that happened to me as a child that would explain why it happened but it’s still not an excuse, I did a compulsion and googled what would it be called or the charges for it and the words that popped up triggered me to my core as anyone would feel if they were as stupid as me those words I googled are what monsters are so it’s hard not to think of myself as that it’s hard to not make that my identity if that IS what happened, is living with this guilt my punishment?I don’t want to give up on life I want to love and care and just love life I know this is complicated and a lot not much I can do but I’m just so lost.
Anonymous#1020
- Date posted
- 23w ago
Please don’t ignore, I need help this is rly bad.
When I was a little kid, I used to be horrible. Every time I thought an animal was too cute or something, i’d get violent, terribly violent. I regret it so much and wish I never did anything like that. It follows me in my mind and I hate it even though I was a child. Then a year or two ago, I got upset at my cat and tossed her onto the bed very quickly and hard, and pushed her down. I remember feeling like I didn’t want to hurt her but I didn’t want to let go. I cried after it happened and gave her many treats. Around the same time, my dog got me mad i just smacked her nose but I still feel sick to my stomach thinking about it. Idk if i was 14 or 15 at the time? I would never do anything to hurt any animal now, but why did I ever do it back then? It makes me so sick thinking about it and now I can’t STOP thinking about it. I still never wanted to hurt my cat, but she got on my last nerve at that moment and it happened multiple times and I threw her pretty fast. I can’t believe I’d ever do that. I’ve been hating myself for it ever since i started thinking about it again. I can’t forgive myself and Idk what to do. I wish I could go back in time and never do what I did. She was still only about 5 months old at that time. She means the world to me and we have a very close bond, but now I feel like I can’t love her because what I did. I feel like I can’t have friends, or anything really because I feel like I don’t deserve anything. I feel like a terrible monster and I hate that I ever did anything to a little angel that didn’t even do anything wrong. Idk how to forgive myself. I hate that I did that and I wish I never did. It still wasn’t as bad as it was when I was little, but it’s still not okay at all and I can’t go back in time and change it, so now idk what to do with myself. I feel like I don’t deserve to be around my cats babies even though I love them with all my heart. I’m 16 now and not the same ragey person as i used to be. I had a lot of anger built up from an ex that I was with at the time, but still WHY would I take it out on my beautiful cat. The more I think about it, the worst it gets, it’s sucking up all of my happiness.
GuiltyGrapes
- Date posted
- 22w ago
Why am I still here?
My life has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on. I (15M) did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect. I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. How can I ever move on?Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.
Be a part of the largest OCD Community
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond