Hi guys, I know this question may sound weird, and I apologise if it so or if you find it offensive in any way, but is anyone here with POCD who lives with their children or younger siblings and struggles a lot, especially if you are really close to each other, and often quite affectionate as well? I live with a younger brother, he's 8 years old, and he is really bonded to me. Because of that he really loves to be affectionate with me every single day. Well, I don't mind that, I find that really sweet, and because I always wanted a sibling I appreciate that he likes spending time with me and that he sees me as a caring sister (well, not always but you know what I mean). Due to my POCD I'm rarely enjoying the moments I spent with him. Honestly, I spend more time analysing my thoughts and sensations, or if I have any urge to harm him in any way, than having fun. The current problem I'm dealing with is that I think I've abused him. I know it's sounds terrifying, and there is a part of me that doesn't want to agree with this statement, but there were moments, including one yesterday, when I impulsively kissed him after having a combination between thoughts, feelings and sensations. I don't know why I keep doing it. I really don't want to harm my brother (or any other child!). But weird moments like this happen, and I'm tired of them. I feel like a true monster and I don't know how to move on. I've never seen people having this issue, so this probably means I'm evil and an abuser. I really want to go to the police and confess, I have this immense urge to do so. I'm really sorry if you find this post disturbing. I promise that's not my intention.

Ive done worse thing with my eldest sister when I was younger TW Like touchings and kissings and until today I still find hard to forgive myself. Sometimes I self punish myself and I think its a compulsion to make me feel at least a little ok

I know I've been complaining a lot today (and not just today) and that what I'm going to ask will be reassurance, but do you think that after all you've read in this post I am a bad person who doesn't deserve to forgive herself for doing and feeling terrible and disgusting things? Or do you think I'm allowed to move on, even though I feel an immense amount of shame, guilt and pain? You have no idea how much I hate myself. The shame I feel at the moment is destroying me more and more and the pain is growing bigger and bigger every day. I know it sounds dramatic, but I promise that is how I feel. I see no future and I don't know how to deal with all this.

From what I’ve read your ocd is trying to make you do something innocent but attach meaning to it. As you say you wouldn’t have kissed your brother if these thoughts didn’t come into your head, but that doesn’t mean anything. It’s like your OCD saying to you if you touch the door handle you will harm you brother. Even if you touch the door handle because of an OCD thought that doesn’t take away from the fact that touching a door handle or in your case being affectionate towards your brother is in actuality a very normal thing. Your OCD latched onto something that you have done in the past which is kiss your brother, and then put a different meaning into it. You may have kissed your brother due to an ocd thought but kissing your brother is not a bad or perverted thing. If your OCD told you to molest your brother I have no doubt you wouldn’t do that. Why? Because that’s actually a bad thing unlike showing your brother harmless affection. Hope this helps. (:

I am a mum who suffers with POCD and live with my children. Kissing your brother is not abusing him and actually ERP for these kinds of thoughts would encourage you to be affectionate. If you went to the police and confessed they would send you home as you haven’t done anything or harmed anyone.

I don’t think the police would be able to do anything about it as you haven’t really broken any laws. If your brother doesn’t feel you’ve abused him, then you haven’t. He still keeps coming to you and being affectionate with you, so I don’t think he feels abused. Have you tried any erp strategies for your worries about these actions? Like accepting the uncertainty about abusing him?

I swear, I'm broken into pieces! I don't know how I'm still allowing myself to be here.

Thank you so much! And I'm sorry again for everything. I promise I don't want to be this terrible person, and I have no idea how I got here, but hopefully I will get out of all this mess at some point soon. Thank you again! ?