- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
Ive done worse thing with my eldest sister when I was younger TW Like touchings and kissings and until today I still find hard to forgive myself. Sometimes I self punish myself and I think its a compulsion to make me feel at least a little ok
- Date posted
- 4y
I'm really sorry to hear that, and I understand how hard it is! Unfortunately, I practice self punishment as well but it doesn't help anymore.
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- 4y
I know I've been complaining a lot today (and not just today) and that what I'm going to ask will be reassurance, but do you think that after all you've read in this post I am a bad person who doesn't deserve to forgive herself for doing and feeling terrible and disgusting things? Or do you think I'm allowed to move on, even though I feel an immense amount of shame, guilt and pain? You have no idea how much I hate myself. The shame I feel at the moment is destroying me more and more and the pain is growing bigger and bigger every day. I know it sounds dramatic, but I promise that is how I feel. I see no future and I don't know how to deal with all this.
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- 4y
Move on!!! You can do this!!
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- 4y
You’re absolutely allowed to move on and seek help.
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- 4y
No, you deserve happiness, love forever. As others said you need to move on. I am the one who cant be truly forgiven, I should die.
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- 4y
@Newstage Please no dying. Idk what you did but I’m a believer that no one deserves to die.
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- 4y
@Nikki1809 I am on my edge. Everything thats happened, has died in the past. My sister has forgiven me, but I remember terrible things that I did that I only spoke with my mother and she doesnt believe I did.
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- 4y
@Newstage It’s ok to forgive yourself and move forward.
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- 4y
@Nikki1809 Even if it was something so horrible that I think I should be dead?
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- 4y
@Newstage Yup.
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- 4y
From what I’ve read your ocd is trying to make you do something innocent but attach meaning to it. As you say you wouldn’t have kissed your brother if these thoughts didn’t come into your head, but that doesn’t mean anything. It’s like your OCD saying to you if you touch the door handle you will harm you brother. Even if you touch the door handle because of an OCD thought that doesn’t take away from the fact that touching a door handle or in your case being affectionate towards your brother is in actuality a very normal thing. Your OCD latched onto something that you have done in the past which is kiss your brother, and then put a different meaning into it. You may have kissed your brother due to an ocd thought but kissing your brother is not a bad or perverted thing. If your OCD told you to molest your brother I have no doubt you wouldn’t do that. Why? Because that’s actually a bad thing unlike showing your brother harmless affection. Hope this helps. (:
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- 4y
Thank you so much!
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- 4y
I am a mum who suffers with POCD and live with my children. Kissing your brother is not abusing him and actually ERP for these kinds of thoughts would encourage you to be affectionate. If you went to the police and confessed they would send you home as you haven’t done anything or harmed anyone.
- Date posted
- 4y
Thank you so much for your reply! It means a lot! And I'm really sorry you suffer with POCD, I can imagine how terrible it can be! I'm not worried that I kissed my brother, my problem is the circumstances under which I kissed him: I had really bad thoughts thoughts and feelings combined together, and I kissed him only because of them. I'm really sorry, this is so disturbing, and I can't believe that I'm actually typing this out. I'm really sorry.
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- 4y
@corablue I'm really sorry. I feel absolutely terrible for posting and sharing this. I'm really anxious and worried.
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- 4y
@corablue Please don’t be sorry. Nothing you can say can be more of a trigger than my own thoughts! The thoughts and feelings are false OCD alarms. Do you suffer with any other OCD themes?
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- 4y
@OCDMum87 The most predominant ones are POCD and real event OCD. I also struggle with Harm and Incest OCD, but they are not overwhelming and affecting me that much.
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- 4y
@corablue Then you will know that this is just OCD trying to take hold. You are taking something you would always do and attaching junk thoughts and feelings to it - it’s just another way of OCD taking hold. I get this with imagining that moving my tongue or fingers is like “acting out” my thoughts. OCD is cruel.
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- 4y
@OCDMum87 Thank you so much for your help! And, again, I apologise if I've hurt you in any way with my words.
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- 4y
I don’t think the police would be able to do anything about it as you haven’t really broken any laws. If your brother doesn’t feel you’ve abused him, then you haven’t. He still keeps coming to you and being affectionate with you, so I don’t think he feels abused. Have you tried any erp strategies for your worries about these actions? Like accepting the uncertainty about abusing him?
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- 4y
Thank you! No, I haven't, I just can't accept that.
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- 4y
@corablue I sometimes start by saying “maybe, but probably not,” to the anxieties.
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- 4y
@Nikki1809 I understand, but I can't seem to be able to do it because I keep revisiting the moments where I think I hurt my brother every hour of the day. I'm really sorry for being so problematic.
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- 4y
@corablue No need to apologize. You aren’t being problematic.
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- 4y
@Nikki1809 Thank you for being so understanding!
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- 4y
@corablue No problem!
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- 4y
I swear, I'm broken into pieces! I don't know how I'm still allowing myself to be here.
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- 4y
Thank you so much! And I'm sorry again for everything. I promise I don't want to be this terrible person, and I have no idea how I got here, but hopefully I will get out of all this mess at some point soon. Thank you again! ?
Related posts
- Date posted
- 25w
I am really worried that I may have SA'ed my little sister. When we were very young, and I mean, really, really young, I was 5 I think. I used to kiss my sister, because I was curious and my mom caught us and she told me not to do it again and I didn't. But when I was about 11 she felt on my lap and I liked the sensation so I tried to rub myself against her. I tried to take my life because of this, I did therapy and everyone, including my sister, told me that I was just a child, and my sister admitted to having done similar things and she said "Would you blame me?" and I said no because she was a child and barely understood what was happening. My therapist said that I mimicked adult behaviors when I kissed her but she was so young, like barely 4 years old and I feel sick to my stomach and I just want to die.
- Date posted
- 21w
I’ve been feeling the urge to avoid intimacy or purposefully engage (for reassurance that I won’t give into a compulsion) because of intrusive thoughts and fear that I’ll “check/test” my reactions. My OCD is making me so scared that I’ll purposefully think of a child and try to see if I like it. It’s so complicated but I guess I’m mentally checking if I would mentally check during intimacy. I’ve even envisioned myself checking and it’s making me so nauseous. I know it’s a compulsion like any other but the sound of “touching yourself to the thought of a child” sounds atrocious and vile. I’m terrified I’ll automatically start checking next time I am being intimate. I truly feel so worried. If anyone has gone through something similar, I’d appreciate hearing your experience. Or if anyone has any advice?
- Harm OCD
- POCD
- Students with OCD
- Mid-life adults with OCD
- Older adults with OCD
- Young adults with OCD
- Real Events OCD
- "Pure" OCD
- Date posted
- 20w
Please read this. I’ve had ocd pretty much a lot of my life but never knew what it was until my senior year of highschool. I’m 21 with 2 kids and i believe i’ve had pocd a little bit before my daughter was born (which was 8 months ago). It made me start looking at all kids differently and i hate it. But it really started triggering me about 3 months ago. I’ve been thinking if i’d intentionally touched or harmed my kids the wrong way, or any kids for that matter. This started giving me false memories (or at least hope they are). I’ve been having panic attacks, yelling at myself, punching walls, praying, and even thoughts of ending my own life. I grew up in a severe toxic household throughout my childhood and teenage life. I’ve never wished that on my kids since i became a dad. I wanna give them the life i never got. I look back my photos of my children and i feel like i’m a complete fraud of a dad. I cannot look at my kids or be around them a lot of times. I can’t hold my daughter right. I can’t change their diaper when they need it. Even my son came and was hugging on me the other night while i was watching tv and i acted like a stranger to him. I can very little do this stuff sometimes because it’s either i get relief or i push my thoughts as far back as i can. I get scared if i did something to not just my kids, but any other kids in the past. I have such a a great life and such a beautiful family. It was hard and stressful at first being young with a family but i couldn’t be more thankful at all for them. I’m just so lost and stressed right now that i just don’t know what to do anymore
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