- Username
- Anonymous
- Date posted
- 4y ago
Also, I feel like I'm grossing people out so I will stop posting on here.
It’s what this app is for, letting it out. Nobody here will judge you. ?
@honiedewz ^^ exactly, please vent if you need to it’s not good to bottle things up. ik it’s bad to give reassurance so I just want to say that things Will get better soon. remember that thoughts are just thoughts even if you don’t believe it atm
Try not to beat yourself up so much. Treat yourself with respect and kindness, even when you don’t feel you deserve it. Try practicing positive self talk. You don’t have to beleive what you say, but when you hear yourself thinking something bad about yourself, respond with unconditional kindness. Please keep hanging in there. If you don’t think you can keep yourself safe contact someone who can help or call a hotline. Sometimes you have to explain what ocd is because they might not know much about it. Something like, “I have ocd, it’s a disorder where I experience obsessive unwanted thoughts.”
Try not to analyse the thoughts. I know it’s incredibly hard. Accept the thought and continue with a normal behaviour. You will never find the answer you’re looking for because that certainty doesn’t exist. Stopping analysing the thoughts is hard but once you get going it does get easier.
Thank you all for your support! It means so, so much! It's not just about the thoughts, it's mostly about the things that I did. It seems that I keep going in a spiral and I just can't stop. I keep living in the past by trying to figure out why certain things happened (because of me) and by wishing that they never did. I truly feel a like a monster. I've never seen anyone with a similar issue, except for people who have abused and hurt other people. I know I shouldn't be saying this but I don't want to go through another night or day anymore. The pain of waking up and knowing that I am who I am and that I will never be able to change it makes me want to disappear from this world. I'm really sorry.
What needs to happen to make sure you are safe?
@Nikki1809 I'm sorry, I don't know.
Ok. Do you wanna message me on instagram? I’ll send you a messege.
Guys... I didn't know I would post again so soon. I'm extremely sorry but I can't stop crying and I think I'll explode from whatever I'm feeling. I thought I was a bit better especially with the kind help I received from my last post, which, again, I'm really thankful for. I was ready to go to bed when a memory from last summer resurfaced. It has always been at the back of my mind but I've always tried to ignore it by telling myself that I didn't do anything bad, but now it has resurfaced with full power. I don't think I'm ready to share it here because it's so disgusting but it's related to POCD. I think I will need to confess it to my therapist tomorrow when I see her but I'm so scared. I'm scared she will have me sent to jail. I'm not asking for advice. I just wanted to talk to someone because I feel so, so lonely. (But then, at the same time, I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone because of how bad it is; I'm sorry, I'm so weird.) I'm sorry, I don't know what to say anymore. And I know I sound so dramatic but I promise that's not my intention.
i'm tired of the fear of becoming something horrible. im tired of feeling like i'm an irredeemable monster. im tired of thinking about what happened every hour of my life. im tired of the fear of being a bad person. im tired of never feeling like i deserve anything. i'm tired of the ruminating, the anguish, the guilt, the regret, the pain, the anger at myself. i dont know what i want. it feels as if making my life better will be like excusing my actions. i feel like i deserve this pain. my genuine emotions feel like a facade. im so scared. i dont want to be a bad person. why did i think it was okay in the moment. why.
It’s probably desensitization but I’m scared I’m getting worse and worse. My morals feel like they’ve been hijacked and I’m scared I’m turning into a bad person. Nothing really disgusts me enough anymore. I’m so tired. When all of this started, I was still able to do things normally even if it felt like I had a weight on my head but it got better. Until I had an intrusive thought about looking for CSEM which has just gotten worse because it’s like it’s turned into an urge. I’m worried at some point (sooner or later), I’m gonna end up doing it. Or I have the scary thought of what if I want to and I’ll regret NOT ever seeing it which is also gross. And I’ve heard about people running into it on social media somehow which then triggers this screwed up sense of morbid curiosity about how that would even end up on social media without being flagged/removed and the thought of “what if you went looking for it there” - I just want it to stop!!! I feel like I can’t even live life now because the thought/urge is there every single day and I can’t escape. Nothing brings me joy - I’m empty all of the time. I can’t make myself play a game or watch a show because I can’t focus and I feel almost nothing towards them. And even if I did feel happy, it wouldn’t last long before being ripped away again. I’m worried I have some sort of addiction to be having this thought every day of “look for it, do it, you have to know” - but I shouldn’t? I’ve cut back immensely on a lot of NSFW stuff and what little I do see (like in books) doesn’t seem to trigger me. This thought actually started happening after multiple accounts of hearing people being prosecuted for having that sort of material (people talk about exes or husbands of friends and whatnot having done that and you also hear about famous people sometimes - it’s everywhere and I’m so sick of hearing about it all of the time because I’m worried I’m gonna end up BEING one of those people). It will not go away even if I stop paying it any mind and I’m frightened all the time now. I feel disgusting and I’m afraid I’m a horrible person. I feel cursed and I just want everything to go back to normal. I want to be disgusted and opposed again and it just isn’t happening! 😞 even now I feel like an imposter posting here because it doesn’t seem like OCD anymore, I’m just gross and out of control like some freak. I feel like I’m gonna have to cut my life short to avoid it happening (but I’m also too scared to do that and I WANT to live but it just feels like I won’t be able to “help myself” which is no excuse but that’s how it feels). I’m not gonna do it at the moment (like I said, I’m too scared) but it feels like I deserve it and it’s the only outcome for me. It feels like too much to do anything because what if I snap?? What if I get too curious?? I’m just so done with all of this - I feel like I’m gonna explode. And no amount of people saying “I don’t think you’ll do it” would make me feel better. I just don’t know what to do - I can’t get therapy, I can’t tell anyone. I’m so alone and it feels like mental torture
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