I don't know how to do it anymore. I have these constant urges to replay and revisit certain moments (where I think I hurt someone) and analyse them. I also want to confess to everyone I know... about everything. All I feel at the moment is disgust which has been growing more and more for the past weeks as I've been constantly feeding on tremendous levels of shame and disgust. I wonder how I could ever act on an urge and hurt my brother (even I never would intentionally because I love him more than my life, and because I don't want to be a person that causes pain to anyone in any way or shape). I wonder how I got here. It all started with thoughts. But it all ended in a huge, huge disaster with me as a monster in the centre of it. I'm really tired. I'm also scared because I'm convinced I will fail ALL my exams, therefore I will not be able to complete my second year at uni. Everything is getting worse and worse, and I barely have any energy left. I know I sound dramatic, which I apologise for, but I honestly feel like this is the end for me.

Guys... I didn't know I would post again so soon. I'm extremely sorry but I can't stop crying and I think I'll explode from whatever I'm feeling. I thought I was a bit better especially with the kind help I received from my last post, which, again, I'm really thankful for. I was ready to go to bed when a memory from last summer resurfaced. It has always been at the back of my mind but I've always tried to ignore it by telling myself that I didn't do anything bad, but now it has resurfaced with full power. I don't think I'm ready to share it here because it's so disgusting but it's related to POCD. I think I will need to confess it to my therapist tomorrow when I see her but I'm so scared. I'm scared she will have me sent to jail. I'm not asking for advice. I just wanted to talk to someone because I feel so, so lonely. (But then, at the same time, I feel like I don't want to talk to anyone because of how bad it is; I'm sorry, I'm so weird.) I'm sorry, I don't know what to say anymore. And I know I sound so dramatic but I promise that's not my intention.

I screwed up so bad. I’m so behind on these papers I need to do for my college finals. My parents hate me, I hear the disgust and resentment in their voices. They know what a bad person I am. At my age they were actually responsible and self-reliant, they worked hard and functioned on their own as adults. I’m such a child still. I’m such a lazy, selfish, terrible person. And honestly my three siblings are just like me. My parents really really don’t deserve us. I will not be able to take care of my parents when they are old. Why did I let this happen? I messed it up so badly. I hate myself and I am a terrible person. I am not suicidal at all, and have been very firmly not suicidal for years; but I am only not suicidal because it would devastate and destroy the lives and happiness forever of my parents, my three siblings, and probably my extended family also. Even though they probably hate and resent me. Because even then, they would still be disgusted and horrified at what a monstrous selfish person I would be to kill myself, and they would always be scared and hateful that one day someone else they know might also turn out to be a really horrible person. I wish there was some way out of this, some way to escape this horrible feeling and dread. But there isn’t. It feels so bad, I hate the feelings of disappointing people so much. I hate it so much. It’s a torturous feeling that makes life really painful. Although the feeling isn’t nearly as horribly intense as when I was in high school and felt it really really badly all the time. So I guess I’ll get through this current bad situation. But I really did a terrible job, and it’s all my fault. I’m such a terrible person. And they will all hate me, forever. And they should. Every interaction with my parents for the rest of my life will be colored by their disgust of me. That muted and cold voice, and talking like they want nothing to do with me. Once I screw up these college finals I will have made them feel bad. They will feel sad and miserable because they will be so disappointed in their kid(s).

i'm tired of the fear of becoming something horrible. im tired of feeling like i'm an irredeemable monster. im tired of thinking about what happened every hour of my life. im tired of the fear of being a bad person. im tired of never feeling like i deserve anything. i'm tired of the ruminating, the anguish, the guilt, the regret, the pain, the anger at myself. i dont know what i want. it feels as if making my life better will be like excusing my actions. i feel like i deserve this pain. my genuine emotions feel like a facade. im so scared. i dont want to be a bad person. why did i think it was okay in the moment. why.