I don't know how to do it anymore. I have these constant urges to replay and revisit certain moments (where I think I hurt someone) and analyse them. I also want to confess to everyone I know... about everything. All I feel at the moment is disgust which has been growing more and more for the past weeks as I've been constantly feeding on tremendous levels of shame and disgust. I wonder how I could ever act on an urge and hurt my brother (even I never would intentionally because I love him more than my life, and because I don't want to be a person that causes pain to anyone in any way or shape). I wonder how I got here. It all started with thoughts. But it all ended in a huge, huge disaster with me as a monster in the centre of it. I'm really tired. I'm also scared because I'm convinced I will fail ALL my exams, therefore I will not be able to complete my second year at uni. Everything is getting worse and worse, and I barely have any energy left. I know I sound dramatic, which I apologise for, but I honestly feel like this is the end for me.

Also, I feel like I'm grossing people out so I will stop posting on here.

Try not to beat yourself up so much. Treat yourself with respect and kindness, even when you don’t feel you deserve it. Try practicing positive self talk. You don’t have to beleive what you say, but when you hear yourself thinking something bad about yourself, respond with unconditional kindness. Please keep hanging in there. If you don’t think you can keep yourself safe contact someone who can help or call a hotline. Sometimes you have to explain what ocd is because they might not know much about it. Something like, “I have ocd, it’s a disorder where I experience obsessive unwanted thoughts.”

Try not to analyse the thoughts. I know it’s incredibly hard. Accept the thought and continue with a normal behaviour. You will never find the answer you’re looking for because that certainty doesn’t exist. Stopping analysing the thoughts is hard but once you get going it does get easier.

Thank you all for your support! It means so, so much! It's not just about the thoughts, it's mostly about the things that I did. It seems that I keep going in a spiral and I just can't stop. I keep living in the past by trying to figure out why certain things happened (because of me) and by wishing that they never did. I truly feel a like a monster. I've never seen anyone with a similar issue, except for people who have abused and hurt other people. I know I shouldn't be saying this but I don't want to go through another night or day anymore. The pain of waking up and knowing that I am who I am and that I will never be able to change it makes me want to disappear from this world. I'm really sorry.

Ok. Do you wanna message me on instagram? I’ll send you a messege.