I find it really hard to accept the uncertainty of the thoughts. I mean i used to have HOCD and accepting the possiblility that i might be gay was really stressing, but i manage to control it and now i don't have uncertainty with that. I have a boyfriend now but i think i would be with a girl too. The problem is with this other obsesion, fear about being Trans, TOCD? I find it a lot more difficult to accept the uncertainty. Cause it's like okay it's not my sexuality, it's my identity, i have to change who i am, my gender? And not being certain about that scares me a lot. Im really tired of asking myself so do you identify as a man or a woman? It's hard to stop rumiaiting cause it's all in my head. My question is how do you accept the uncertainty of not knowing and being okay with it? Do you have any tips?

I am a man from the Netherlands and I am in my early 40s. When I was 36 years old I became diagnosed with ADHD. At that period of my life I already have had treatment for borderline personality disorder. I might have an impulsive nature due to my ADHD, though unlike many people with BPD I don't act impulsively but I am hindered in my life by indecision and perfectionism. It wouldn't surprise me if I turn out to have OCD. Thanks to a blog from NOCD in which transgender OCD was described it became more clear to me my doubts and anxiety of possibly being a transgender + a coward because of remaining in denial for that, is more likely the cause of OCD. I noticed as well I made progress during the years, because of course it didn't take my doubts away, however I was able to believe dealing with uncertainty probably contributes more to my well-being than finding the answer of my doubts. This specific type of OCD keeps coming back, because it is a fact that I as a homosexual man am very insecure about my masculinity. I had experienced an unsafe childhood with emotional neglect from a mother with autism and also emotional abuse from a father with definitely traits of a narcissistic personality disorder. As an only child who also turns out to have ADHD I felt chronically lonely and grew up with the belief I was a complete failure: not only my actions were wrong, but also my thoughts and emotions. At school I was an outcast. I felt unsafe everywhere. I often escaped into daydreaming and fantasies, because for me it was the only way to bare the reality. As a child I was introvert, anxious and feminine. That's why I developed a feminine alter ego of myself in which I could escape in my fantasies. However I didn't develop an identity align with my biological sexe. When I hit puberty I became worried about it. I was convinced I eventually have to come out of the closet as a transvestite or transgender. I really didn't want that; I wanted to have a stable self-identity align with my biological sexe instead of regularly pretending to be a woman, because I am not a woman. However as you all know very well the suffering is about not having control over yourself. When I was 17 I decided to look for a psychologist, because I definitely didn't want to waste precious years of my life. I assumed a psychologist can help me, because I definitely am not the only homosexual man struggling with his masculinity and sexual orientation. I felt so much ashamed of myself I repeatedly held myself back explaining my problems, though I forced myself to speak up my mind; after all he can't help me if he doesn't know what it's all about. I was very disappointed he replied with "What are you complaining about? Count yourself lucky you live in the Netherlands where you can be yourself." He was bringing up my perfectionism: in my perception he did so because he refused to admit he couldn't help me, so by bringing up something else he still was able to profit about my suffering. Looking back to it now I can understand why he responded like that. Still I think it's disrespectful, because I feel treated in such a way like a disobedient dog that has to learn to obey. I have had a lot of therapists and they regularly responded similarly. What I find striking is that my perfectionism and worrying is one of the first things they notice, but it doesn't occur to them that I may have OCD. I have now signed up for another treatment and at the intake I indicated that I suspect OCD in myself and am open to following exposure therapy, but so far they just don't seem to take it seriously. Over the years, my fears have become less strong. By that I mean that it no longer leads to panic attacks and street fear. The more confident I feel, the more comfortable I feel with my masculinity. But when I feel less good about myself, I get doubts again and especially shame and guilt. It makes me hesitate going to the gym (in the past the gym was too much confrontational) and I cannot at myself in the mirror. I am quite sure my so-called borderline personality disorder at least partly refers to complex PTSD. Actually I don't care anymore which name is assigned to my problems. I just want to be helped. I understand bringing up fears like "Am I transgender or not?" doesn't help me. However it doesn't help me either if they refuse to respond to me. Then I feel like it's some kind of test to observe if I am able to figure it out on my own, and if not then I cannot get better.

So my whole life I’ve been heterosexual. I have got hocd so I worry I’m a lesbian when I have no reason to worry about it because im straight ( not that my ocd likes to think that tho lol! ). But there’s this thought I have, How do I know I’m 100% straight if I haven’t tried sleeping with a girl? Bear in mind I’ve NEVER WANTED TO and DONT want too. Hence why it is an INTRUSIVE thought. But the thought is so uncomfortable- I can’t seem to shift it. But i do see that THIS IS OCD & wanting to know for certain. Thats the definition of OCD. I do know that but it’s tough with the stupid doubts!!! Do you guys just live with the unknown / uncertainty. I’m so happy and love my boyfriend and only want to be with him etc. Let me say again, I DONT want to sleep with a girl nor have I ever fantasized about it. But why does ocd want 100% certainty.. I just wanna not have that weird niggling thought.

I need tips on how to really accept the uncertainty the ocd causes, even if it feels so bad like I might get in trouble for something , do I wanna be okay with that?