- Date posted
- 5y
- User type
- Staff
- Date posted
- 5y
Everyone who has OCD has experienced, to one degree or another, didficulty discerning truth from fiction! I empathize with your pain and encourage you to get with a therapist trained in ERP to assist you with this! If you are currently in therapy and are learning ERP, apply what you have learned: don’t give in to the compulsions you mention in your post. I always say that “The only way to get free is to get through” and I have full confidence that, if you apply ERP to your circumstance, there are many wonderfully free days ahead of you! Thank you for sharing your story and know that you are not alone. Be encouraged!
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you it means a lot. I’m just finding it so hard to see that those things don’t mean what I think. I’m trying to put myself in his shoes and think well he wouldn’t stop talking to someone when I don’t like it, for an irrational reason. But I keep thinking if he knew I didn’t like it why continue to talk to her. But then if you’re doing nothing wrong I guess why should you. I feel like I can’t use my ERP because I need to believe him in order to do so and my mind keeps telling me not to. I’m so full of fear and I feel so awful for what I’m putting him through
- Date posted
- 5y
@Gmmlse It’s not whether or not something happened or he liked her that scares me. It’s the thought he could have lied to me all this time and been that manipulative that scares me. How can I learn to accept the uncertainty surrounding that? I just don’t see how as if that was true I would end it.
- User type
- Staff
- Date posted
- 5y
@Gmmlse Sure. It hard to not give meaning to our feelings about something! For example, If I feel bloated and I step on the scale and see a particular number, that number now “means” something. What it means is based largely on what I believe about myself or the world. Maybe I believe that skinny is beautiful, and skinny looks like a certain number, or an empty feeling in my belly... feeling bloated or seeing a certain weight on the scale would mean that I’m “fat”. Or, I’m lazy because I don’t workout. Or, I’m going to be lonely forever because that number on the scale says so! In your case, you translate what you feel (anxiety, fear, distrustful) into something you think you see, and vice versa. You translate what you believe you see, into something you believe is occurring. Doubt. Doubt I’d like someone drilled holes in a once solid and very secure wall. So you’re looking through a distorted lens, and something that is covered in doubt. So you believe that your boyfriend knew you didn’t like his jntereactjons, he should have stopped talking to her. Why? Is he responsible for your feelings? No. The hard truth is that you believe something about yourself that promotes the fear you have regarding all of this. Maybe you believe if he is cheating on you, it’s because you are not worthwhile, or beautiful, etc. maybe you believe you are inadequate... whatever it is (I don’t recommend saying so here) you have to learn to live with not knowing how he feels about her, and with the fact that that fear might be true. Maybe he is cheating on you and maybe he does have feelings for her. Does that have to “mean” you are inadequate, or unworthy? Does the number in the scale or the bloated feeling have to “mean” I’m fat, inadequate, or gonna be alone forever? ERP is about not doing the things you think will give you certainty (I.e., make you feel better) and testing the fear you have that is rooted in what you believe. The way to do that is to 1) stop doing what you have been (going through his phone, looking at social media, testing what he says in your mind for truth or accuracy, etc.) and accept that the bad thoughts make you feel afraid, worried about being alone, or whatever. 2) deal with the fear, withought avoiding it or making it better. Ask your therapist to help you find manageable, bite sized ways to do this. While Our Advocate Katie is not wrong to say that it is about changing behavior, it is also about changing your thinking. Restructuring your thoughts to impact what you believe and ultimately fear. Use the tools you have. Prevent your usual responses (don’t do the things you have been). I hope this is helpful to you, and wish you well!
- Date posted
- 5y
@NOCD Therapist - Davida V. Thank you that’s very very helpful. I can totally see where you’re coming from and I understand that this fear is deep rooted and comes from something I think about myself. I’m okay to accept that my perception could be wrong and I have distorted or interpreted the situation wrong, but it’s so hard to accept maybe he does like her/ is cheating and stay with him? Because in reality if that was the case I wouldn’t. Any tips on this?
- User type
- Staff
- Date posted
- 5y
@Gmmlse Why live in the hypothetical? Maybe has to be sufficient for you to live your best life with him, or without him.
- Date posted
- 5y
Your post really resonates with me. I have been having similar “irrational “ thoughts and obsessions about my wonderful husband over the last few years. He’s done absolutely NOTHING wrong and yet my ocd is always trying to find something without any reason/evidence. It’s very hard and I’ve been that person, questioning him obsessively. I’m working hard on this and I’ve become much better at not seeking reassurance from him but I still find myself self reassuring which I’m sure is keeping the cycle going. Wishing you good luck and strength to fight this.
- Date posted
- 5y
Thank you so much. I’m so sorry you’re going through this as well, but thank you for commenting and making me feel less alone. Do you mind me asking were your doubts triggered by things you thought were evidence (like the things I mention in my post)? Or did you just generally feel insecure and your ocd latched on? What helps you?
- Date posted
- 5y
@Gmmlse Sorry for late reply. Mine started literally overnight after a nightmare. I’d had ocd for years but mildly, things like checking the door was locked etc but it suddenly shifted to my husband. I just became really insecure and started asking him for reassurance all the time. My ocd seemed to be constantly looking for things for me to worry or be suspicious about. He’s never done anything to cause me to have these fears at all. I’m trying very hard to not ask for reassurance, sometimes I have set backs and give in. He understands about my ocd and how it works so he’s able to encourage me etc but it’s hard for him at times, being the subject of my obsession and it makes me feel guilty that he sometimes feels I don’t trust him when he doesn’t deserve it one bit. I’ve had a course of CBT and I’m constantly reading about ocd and listening to podcasts etc to help in my journey to recovery. Good luck, I truly know how hard it is but you can do this!
- Date posted
- 5y
You went through his phone and interrogated him about his friendships. Neither of those are friendly or respectful behaviors, or healthy in a relationship. I'm curious whether you e reflected on the impact of your compulsions on the one you love and on the relationship between you
- Date posted
- 5y
This was quite hard to read but you are 100% right. I feel awful for what I’ve put him through and how horrendous this must make him feel. I just don’t know how to believe him. I’ve negatively reinforced the fear so badly that it’s like I can’t see the situation rationally. People I talk to think there’s nothing to worry about. Others say maybe he had a small crush. But I think he would have been honest. And it’s not the fact of whether he did or not, it’s the fact that he could have lied to me all this time, when I’ve become so ill, that I cannot accept. Do you have any advice?
- Date posted
- 5y
@Gmmlse Most of the time, the route to changing our thoughts and emotions is to change our actions
Related posts
- Date posted
- 22w
Hi everyone! I have been having a rough time. So my boyfriend talks to his ex still as friends and I’ve been struggling with it lately and I can’t tell if it’s OCD or not but it does feel so distressing. She wasn’t texting him for about 2-3 months as she got into a relationship with this guy and they broke up. She had messaged him saying that she has no one else to talk to and needed to vent to someone. At first I felt okay, but my intrusive thoughts took over and it seemed like she was trying to get with him after the fact. It’s probably just my intrusive thoughts talking but he looks on Discord (the app where the message) constantly now and my intrusive thoughts convince me that he’s still in love with her. Then yesterday I saw one of his BeReals (a little photo app that shows a photo of the day) and I saw that he was watching one of her streams as she is a streamer. I struggled to talk about it because it made my worst thought feel like it came true where he is still in love with her. When we talked he gets a lil mad that I don’t tell him right away like straight up what I’m feeling but it’s hard to process because my thoughts flood in of all the worst things and I don’t want to come off as toxic at all and I know relationships are built on trust and I want to trust because this is literally the only thing that makes me nervous about him. It also doesn’t help that I’ve been cheated on before so I’m trying to protect myself but I’m lost. I get so depressed and so anxious because I feel like I have to grieve the relationship and it’s just so dramatic. I’ve never loved anyone like this before and I don’t wanna lose him by bringing this stuff up constantly when something occurs with his ex. I don’t know why I get triggered so easily and I just wanna heal from it and be the good girlfriend I’m supposed to be 😭
- Date posted
- 21w
Longer post, but please, I need some guidance. I thought that my thoughts relating to relationship OCD were taking over. But, my bf started treating me differently. I tried to have a conversation and communicate this worry. He then texted me that he had actually been feeling distant for a month and has been meaning to tell me. But “we’re fine now.” I spiraled. Later in the week, he went quiet after a disagreement. After he promised we were okay and he was okay, I found later he was texting a mutual friend (female) that I was crying again. She said that it was fucking insane and other hurtful things about me. He said he lost his trust with me because I looked through his phone and saw that message even though during the whole relationship we had a mutual understanding that we had nothing to hide from each other and he always assured me that I could look through his phone at anytime. It’s ok for boundaries to change in a relationship, but it wasn’t communicated and I was harshly reprimanded. During the texting chain with the mutual friend he also said that “she just has no idea.” When I addressed this, he then said that for the past month, he actually felt he didn’t want to be in a relationship, but still loved me. I’m ruined. I had the same thoughts in January and knew I loved him. I found out it was ROCD (through this app) and told him the day after the realization because it was eating at me. So him saying I wouldn’t understand and telling other seems unjustified. I would’ve been the most understanding. Any help would be appreciated greatly.
- Date posted
- 13w
My husband told me recently he was going to hang out with a local friend he often goes to see. It got very late and I heard nothing from him. Tried calling and texting. Stayed up all night thinking maybe he was dead or injured. Logged into our cell phone account to see if I could find any recent location and discovered he had talked to someone on the phone that night but he was like 2 hours away from home at that time. And also saw a phone number he was spending hours on the phone with every day. I had been confronting him about his secrecy prior to that and he kept telling me it was this friend or that friend, or he was just taking the dog on a long walk or having a fire out back. He finally called me back in the morning and I yelled at him. He told me he was randomly with two friends from longer ago and had gotten drunk and passed out, and hadn't told me about these plans because I had a heart surgery a few weeks prior and health concerns and he didn't want to stress me out. He told me the phone number was a girl that he related to on trauma factors and that he views like a little sister. He said he didn't tell me because he was caught up in his trauma spilling of events he didn't share with a single person since they occurred to him 35 years ago, due to feelings of shame and anger, and that he thought I would view it as emotional cheating. I told him it really could be viewed as emotional cheating and in principle, honesty shouldn't be dependent upon the outcome... lying isn't justified because I would be upset by the truth. Since then, he's been more open with me and tells me when that girl is calling, talks to me about their conversations, answers her calls when I'm present. I talked to him about boundaries and things I'm uncomfortable with or bothered by and he changes those things. Especially because I have trauma from an emotionally abusive ex, having him lie to me when I directly questioned him about what I was perceiving or experiencing and telling me those experiences weren't real, when they actually WERE real, has really messed me up. Now when he wants to hang out with a friend, I don't trust it. But I'm handling these feelings in destructive OCD ways. I spend literally the entire time he's gone thinking and thinking and thinking about what if he's lying or what he might be doing instead of what he said. I call and text him intermittently and feel like all of my obsessive thoughts are confirmed if he doesn't answer right away. I'm always checking the phone history. The driving toll history. Scrutinizing everything. I cannot get out of this mindset. It's like this horrible mixture of emotional flashbacks and OCD. I don't want to live like this. I want to work on my relationship in productive ways. I want to be able to use my own time while my husband is gone. Even if he lied to me and is somewhere other than he said, I don't want to lie in bed just thinking and thinking and thinking for entire days and nights. I'm not sure what I'm really asking here. This is just the only place where I feel like I can share this without people thinking "wow she's crazy".
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