- Date posted
- 4y
- User type
- Staff
- Date posted
- 4y
Everyone who has OCD has experienced, to one degree or another, didficulty discerning truth from fiction! I empathize with your pain and encourage you to get with a therapist trained in ERP to assist you with this! If you are currently in therapy and are learning ERP, apply what you have learned: don’t give in to the compulsions you mention in your post. I always say that “The only way to get free is to get through” and I have full confidence that, if you apply ERP to your circumstance, there are many wonderfully free days ahead of you! Thank you for sharing your story and know that you are not alone. Be encouraged!
- Date posted
- 4y
Thank you it means a lot. I’m just finding it so hard to see that those things don’t mean what I think. I’m trying to put myself in his shoes and think well he wouldn’t stop talking to someone when I don’t like it, for an irrational reason. But I keep thinking if he knew I didn’t like it why continue to talk to her. But then if you’re doing nothing wrong I guess why should you. I feel like I can’t use my ERP because I need to believe him in order to do so and my mind keeps telling me not to. I’m so full of fear and I feel so awful for what I’m putting him through
- Date posted
- 4y
@Gmmlse It’s not whether or not something happened or he liked her that scares me. It’s the thought he could have lied to me all this time and been that manipulative that scares me. How can I learn to accept the uncertainty surrounding that? I just don’t see how as if that was true I would end it.
- User type
- Staff
- Date posted
- 4y
@Gmmlse Sure. It hard to not give meaning to our feelings about something! For example, If I feel bloated and I step on the scale and see a particular number, that number now “means” something. What it means is based largely on what I believe about myself or the world. Maybe I believe that skinny is beautiful, and skinny looks like a certain number, or an empty feeling in my belly... feeling bloated or seeing a certain weight on the scale would mean that I’m “fat”. Or, I’m lazy because I don’t workout. Or, I’m going to be lonely forever because that number on the scale says so! In your case, you translate what you feel (anxiety, fear, distrustful) into something you think you see, and vice versa. You translate what you believe you see, into something you believe is occurring. Doubt. Doubt I’d like someone drilled holes in a once solid and very secure wall. So you’re looking through a distorted lens, and something that is covered in doubt. So you believe that your boyfriend knew you didn’t like his jntereactjons, he should have stopped talking to her. Why? Is he responsible for your feelings? No. The hard truth is that you believe something about yourself that promotes the fear you have regarding all of this. Maybe you believe if he is cheating on you, it’s because you are not worthwhile, or beautiful, etc. maybe you believe you are inadequate... whatever it is (I don’t recommend saying so here) you have to learn to live with not knowing how he feels about her, and with the fact that that fear might be true. Maybe he is cheating on you and maybe he does have feelings for her. Does that have to “mean” you are inadequate, or unworthy? Does the number in the scale or the bloated feeling have to “mean” I’m fat, inadequate, or gonna be alone forever? ERP is about not doing the things you think will give you certainty (I.e., make you feel better) and testing the fear you have that is rooted in what you believe. The way to do that is to 1) stop doing what you have been (going through his phone, looking at social media, testing what he says in your mind for truth or accuracy, etc.) and accept that the bad thoughts make you feel afraid, worried about being alone, or whatever. 2) deal with the fear, withought avoiding it or making it better. Ask your therapist to help you find manageable, bite sized ways to do this. While Our Advocate Katie is not wrong to say that it is about changing behavior, it is also about changing your thinking. Restructuring your thoughts to impact what you believe and ultimately fear. Use the tools you have. Prevent your usual responses (don’t do the things you have been). I hope this is helpful to you, and wish you well!
- Date posted
- 4y
@NOCD Therapist - Davida V. Thank you that’s very very helpful. I can totally see where you’re coming from and I understand that this fear is deep rooted and comes from something I think about myself. I’m okay to accept that my perception could be wrong and I have distorted or interpreted the situation wrong, but it’s so hard to accept maybe he does like her/ is cheating and stay with him? Because in reality if that was the case I wouldn’t. Any tips on this?
- User type
- Staff
- Date posted
- 4y
@Gmmlse Why live in the hypothetical? Maybe has to be sufficient for you to live your best life with him, or without him.
- Date posted
- 4y
Your post really resonates with me. I have been having similar “irrational “ thoughts and obsessions about my wonderful husband over the last few years. He’s done absolutely NOTHING wrong and yet my ocd is always trying to find something without any reason/evidence. It’s very hard and I’ve been that person, questioning him obsessively. I’m working hard on this and I’ve become much better at not seeking reassurance from him but I still find myself self reassuring which I’m sure is keeping the cycle going. Wishing you good luck and strength to fight this.
- Date posted
- 4y
Thank you so much. I’m so sorry you’re going through this as well, but thank you for commenting and making me feel less alone. Do you mind me asking were your doubts triggered by things you thought were evidence (like the things I mention in my post)? Or did you just generally feel insecure and your ocd latched on? What helps you?
- Date posted
- 4y
@Gmmlse Sorry for late reply. Mine started literally overnight after a nightmare. I’d had ocd for years but mildly, things like checking the door was locked etc but it suddenly shifted to my husband. I just became really insecure and started asking him for reassurance all the time. My ocd seemed to be constantly looking for things for me to worry or be suspicious about. He’s never done anything to cause me to have these fears at all. I’m trying very hard to not ask for reassurance, sometimes I have set backs and give in. He understands about my ocd and how it works so he’s able to encourage me etc but it’s hard for him at times, being the subject of my obsession and it makes me feel guilty that he sometimes feels I don’t trust him when he doesn’t deserve it one bit. I’ve had a course of CBT and I’m constantly reading about ocd and listening to podcasts etc to help in my journey to recovery. Good luck, I truly know how hard it is but you can do this!
- Date posted
- 4y
You went through his phone and interrogated him about his friendships. Neither of those are friendly or respectful behaviors, or healthy in a relationship. I'm curious whether you e reflected on the impact of your compulsions on the one you love and on the relationship between you
- Date posted
- 4y
This was quite hard to read but you are 100% right. I feel awful for what I’ve put him through and how horrendous this must make him feel. I just don’t know how to believe him. I’ve negatively reinforced the fear so badly that it’s like I can’t see the situation rationally. People I talk to think there’s nothing to worry about. Others say maybe he had a small crush. But I think he would have been honest. And it’s not the fact of whether he did or not, it’s the fact that he could have lied to me all this time, when I’ve become so ill, that I cannot accept. Do you have any advice?
- Date posted
- 4y
@Gmmlse Most of the time, the route to changing our thoughts and emotions is to change our actions
Related posts
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 21w
I’ve had so many moments of clarity with my OCD that I love my boyfriend and I’m beyond willing to go through this to be better and be with him. in the back of mind I’ve in a way known I was at least somewhat sexually attracted to women (I’m a woman) since the start of the ocd it was always like “okay. Fine, but I don’t want to date a girl” I only just realized this after the ocd started, I never really argued with this. my ocd has always revolved around if I’m romantically interested in women and not men. I’ve done so many compulsions through this year and a half and 9 times out of 10 have come to the conclusion that I don’t want to be with a woman romantically. I always end up feeling like I know I love my boyfriend. But the doubts don’t stop about whether I want to spend my life with a woman instead, my heart literally breaks to think of not being with my bf and imagining him with someone else. I don’t want to be with a woman I know deep down somewhere underneath the anxiety that that’s not what I want. It doesn’t feel natural for me, unfulfilling. I want to tell my boyfriend about the possible sexual attraction to women (ik it’s still ocd related) but I’m scared that once I tell him, I’ll realize that I actually do want to be with women and not with him. Ugh I’ve spent hours today ruminating about this after being solid in my commitment with him for a little while, I’m stuck in this loop and idk how to get out right now
- Date posted
- 13w
Hey everyone, First time posting here! Wanted to share my story for some support but also to hopefully make others feel less alone. In short - my ROCD has made such a mess of my personal life. I was in a great relationship until spring of last year, at which point we separated mainly due to my ROCD. I struggled heavily with OCD about 10 years ago (harm based intrusive thoughts, sexual orientation ocd, etc). It took a lot of work but I was able to mostly overcome my struggles and truthfully, hadn’t given ocd much thought since then. I thought I was cured. And then 10 years later I am in a very fulfilling relationship with a girl I really love, but at about the year mark in my relationship things really changed. She wanted to have a conversation about next steps (moving in, marriage, kids, etc) and at that point my brain just went into panic mode and the ocd took over. From that point on, I was constantly scanning for red flags, felt very reserved when it came to any sort of statement or commitment and tended to avoid anything that would indicate I was committed to a long term future. It was not that I didn’t love it was just that my ocd was doing anything to keep me from making a big commitment. It eventually got a point where we had a big conversation about breaking up or staying together and my OCD convinced me that it was safer and that I would do less harm to her if we ended things, which was incredibly devastating to me. At the time I felt like my obsessing over small red flags were normal and that I needed to protect myself. I just had no clue it was ROCD. I spent the next 8 months missing her and kicking myself for my mistakes, and I eventually got the courage to reach out and see if she’d be willing to talk again, which she was. But the problem is, at this point I still didn’t know it was ocd. So when we talked again I was still plagued by ROCD as all the same thoughts and feelings came flooding back. We tried to talk through things but once again I was unable to make any sort of commitment to the future so it went nowhere. Once again, I am feeling very sad and angry at myself for not being able to handle ROCD. I feel like I let it control me twice and has robbed me of a lot of happiness and hurt someone I care very much about. I understand it’s probably not best to just look at ourselves with anger and guilt all the time but it’s hard not to when you feel like you just caused so much harm. Anyone feel like they can relate? Or if anyone is going through something similar I am happy to chat as ROCD can really be tricky. Thanks
- Date posted
- 13w
Does anyone else struggle with object permanence in relationships? Like whenever my partner is out of the house I immediately think negatively or I find things wrong with the relationship or him… For background my partner and I always fight over chores (I know it’s common but it’s annoying) I definitely pull more weight than him and I think he has ADHD, which makes him struggle to help and be aware of helping. Lately we’ve been somewhat good with splitting meals and dishes whatever, I know it can change with work stress, fatigue whatever. But last week my partner was out of the house watching his uncle’s dog so he was barely home. He was sleeping over at his uncles house and would come home for meals sometimes and stuff like that. I started becoming super fixated on him not helping with the dishes before he left and would constantly feel urges to yell about it. Even though the week prior everything was good when it came to that (sometimes with my ROCD I’ll even question myself and be like was it?) so I have started 4 separate fights arguing about dishes and chores and mentioning that he doesn’t help enough and if this continues I’ll have to leave… it’s so hard for me to snap out of it and just realize that he was going back and forth and didn’t think to help because he was busy with helping his uncle. And then I get such a negative view of him in my head that I nitpick his appearance, I make comments, etc, because my underlying fear is he doesn’t care to help, he will never change, and we will fail. So it’s almost like I’m looking to have a reason to run before I actually need to? It’s a constant cycle for me and I’m truly so exhausted by myself. But also relationships are so hard for me because I struggled SO much with trying to depend on others that I almost don’t let myself depend on others…. Any advice is appreciated but also just like do you also experience this? Thank you & pls be kind 🥺🥺🥺
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