Feeling so lost and overwhelmed. My ocd has been focused on my boyfriend for the past year. We had a rough patch and he made some new friends at work. I then became obsessed he fancied one of them and went through all his messages and obsessively questioned him. He has stood by the fact he didn’t like her like that and other people who speak to him about it think he didn’t. He’s spoken to my therapist and tried to help, but I just can’t get it in my head he’s not lying. The things I believe to be ‘evidence may aren’t really telling. I found out they were still chatting on insta once she left his company but the convo was fairly platonic - they were just talking about work and the new people. She did make a comment it would be more fun if I was still there, but she is french so there is a slight language barrier (I thought this sounded flirty). She also messaged him about a festival she was at with her boyfriend. He said they are very in love and moved in together and from her social media they seem that way. I also once came home and picked up his phone and it opened onto a video of her he’d been watching which he’d filmed of her falling asleep in the office. He said he’d just been flicking through his videos but I became obsessed he was really missing her. All my family and friends think he’s telling the truth. He’s taken me to doctors appointments and keeps telling me the power is in my hands. I told him the other day I’ve spent the past year imagining the things I believe to be true and negatively reinforcing it and said it’s hard to unlearn. He was upset by this and said why have you done that when I’m not lying. He said that if what he’s told me isn’t enough that’s okay. Maybe I can’t get over the fact he had this friend and I can’t trust what he said. Prior to this we’d been together happily for 5 years. He’s now said we’ve spent a year unhappy, me not trusting him and breaking down. He said he wants to really move on with life, start saving for a house etc and has asked me to draw a line under this. He’s broken up with me 3 times in the past to give me a wake up call that he cannot take the questioning and yet I still feel I don’t believe him. I was cheated on in the past and I think that’s really traumatised me. I don’t want my ocd to force me to leave him. It’s seems so unfair, had I not had ocd I wouldn’t have viewed it like this. But maybe I can’t get over it - even though nothing has happened. I feel so bad for putting him through this and so bad I’m not helping myself either. Just want some kind words. Has anyone else ever had their ocd stop them from being able to see things clearly or how other people do?

Thank you it means a lot. I’m just finding it so hard to see that those things don’t mean what I think. I’m trying to put myself in his shoes and think well he wouldn’t stop talking to someone when I don’t like it, for an irrational reason. But I keep thinking if he knew I didn’t like it why continue to talk to her. But then if you’re doing nothing wrong I guess why should you. I feel like I can’t use my ERP because I need to believe him in order to do so and my mind keeps telling me not to. I’m so full of fear and I feel so awful for what I’m putting him through

@Gmmlse It’s not whether or not something happened or he liked her that scares me. It’s the thought he could have lied to me all this time and been that manipulative that scares me. How can I learn to accept the uncertainty surrounding that? I just don’t see how as if that was true I would end it.

@Gmmlse Sure. It hard to not give meaning to our feelings about something! For example, If I feel bloated and I step on the scale and see a particular number, that number now “means” something. What it means is based largely on what I believe about myself or the world. Maybe I believe that skinny is beautiful, and skinny looks like a certain number, or an empty feeling in my belly... feeling bloated or seeing a certain weight on the scale would mean that I’m “fat”. Or, I’m lazy because I don’t workout. Or, I’m going to be lonely forever because that number on the scale says so! In your case, you translate what you feel (anxiety, fear, distrustful) into something you think you see, and vice versa. You translate what you believe you see, into something you believe is occurring. Doubt. Doubt I’d like someone drilled holes in a once solid and very secure wall. So you’re looking through a distorted lens, and something that is covered in doubt. So you believe that your boyfriend knew you didn’t like his jntereactjons, he should have stopped talking to her. Why? Is he responsible for your feelings? No. The hard truth is that you believe something about yourself that promotes the fear you have regarding all of this. Maybe you believe if he is cheating on you, it’s because you are not worthwhile, or beautiful, etc. maybe you believe you are inadequate... whatever it is (I don’t recommend saying so here) you have to learn to live with not knowing how he feels about her, and with the fact that that fear might be true. Maybe he is cheating on you and maybe he does have feelings for her. Does that have to “mean” you are inadequate, or unworthy? Does the number in the scale or the bloated feeling have to “mean” I’m fat, inadequate, or gonna be alone forever? ERP is about not doing the things you think will give you certainty (I.e., make you feel better) and testing the fear you have that is rooted in what you believe. The way to do that is to 1) stop doing what you have been (going through his phone, looking at social media, testing what he says in your mind for truth or accuracy, etc.) and accept that the bad thoughts make you feel afraid, worried about being alone, or whatever. 2) deal with the fear, withought avoiding it or making it better. Ask your therapist to help you find manageable, bite sized ways to do this. While Our Advocate Katie is not wrong to say that it is about changing behavior, it is also about changing your thinking. Restructuring your thoughts to impact what you believe and ultimately fear. Use the tools you have. Prevent your usual responses (don’t do the things you have been). I hope this is helpful to you, and wish you well!

@NOCD Therapist - Davida V. Thank you that’s very very helpful. I can totally see where you’re coming from and I understand that this fear is deep rooted and comes from something I think about myself. I’m okay to accept that my perception could be wrong and I have distorted or interpreted the situation wrong, but it’s so hard to accept maybe he does like her/ is cheating and stay with him? Because in reality if that was the case I wouldn’t. Any tips on this?

@Gmmlse Why live in the hypothetical? Maybe has to be sufficient for you to live your best life with him, or without him.

Thank you so much. I’m so sorry you’re going through this as well, but thank you for commenting and making me feel less alone. Do you mind me asking were your doubts triggered by things you thought were evidence (like the things I mention in my post)? Or did you just generally feel insecure and your ocd latched on? What helps you?

@Gmmlse Sorry for late reply. Mine started literally overnight after a nightmare. I’d had ocd for years but mildly, things like checking the door was locked etc but it suddenly shifted to my husband. I just became really insecure and started asking him for reassurance all the time. My ocd seemed to be constantly looking for things for me to worry or be suspicious about. He’s never done anything to cause me to have these fears at all. I’m trying very hard to not ask for reassurance, sometimes I have set backs and give in. He understands about my ocd and how it works so he’s able to encourage me etc but it’s hard for him at times, being the subject of my obsession and it makes me feel guilty that he sometimes feels I don’t trust him when he doesn’t deserve it one bit. I’ve had a course of CBT and I’m constantly reading about ocd and listening to podcasts etc to help in my journey to recovery. Good luck, I truly know how hard it is but you can do this!

This was quite hard to read but you are 100% right. I feel awful for what I’ve put him through and how horrendous this must make him feel. I just don’t know how to believe him. I’ve negatively reinforced the fear so badly that it’s like I can’t see the situation rationally. People I talk to think there’s nothing to worry about. Others say maybe he had a small crush. But I think he would have been honest. And it’s not the fact of whether he did or not, it’s the fact that he could have lied to me all this time, when I’ve become so ill, that I cannot accept. Do you have any advice?

@Gmmlse Most of the time, the route to changing our thoughts and emotions is to change our actions