I have been struggling with OCD for as long as I can remember and I have lost count of how many therapists I have been to. But the main one that has really stuck with me is contamination OCD. but it branches off like if there is a red smudge on paper or somewhere I’ll automatically think it’s blood and have immediate anxiety. But the OCD fear that I have allowed to control my life is the fear of getting pregnant from someone not washing their hands after going to the bathroom or if they did (who knows what) and didn’t wash their hands or shower, or even if they touch their phone (since nowadays we all have ours connected to us at all times)or something before washing their hands and then the sperm could of transferred onto that or anything and then they touch something that I then touch and then if I got pregnant (or even the thought of those “germs/sperm” being on my body at all) my boyfriend would breakup with me and we have been together for over 5 years and I love him with my whole heart so my fear is loosing him. Now I know it’s pretty much impossible to get pregnant like that but my OCD brain is saying well what if it happens to you and your the first person ever. So I literally don’t touch anything after anyone or at least directly without washing my hands right after. I was my hands probably at least 50 times a day and use Lysol wipes on EVERYTHING! I have sanitized my phone 3 times already today. I am in therapy but I feel like talking to others who also suffer and can relate helps too I know this is a strange OCD fear, I guess I’m wondering if anyone has ever had this fear as well?

Ben84

Date posted: 4y ago

If that's a strange fear, then we're both strange ☺! I don't deal with it so much anymore, but I did when I was younger. Ultimately, your best bet is to live with uncertainty. Maybe you'll get pregnant, maybe you won't. Whatever life throws at you, you'll be able to handle it.

StefH

Date posted: 4y ago

Yeah I mean I’m 29 now so it’s not like I’m ignorant on how babies are made like I get that it’s not possible by touching something someone else did. But it’s like the fear of what if. And then him thinking I cheating on him

Ben84

Date posted: 4y ago

@StefH "What if" is classic OCD.

Ark

Date posted: 3y ago

This rings so true omg I'm absolutely consumed by this fear right now and the advice I got was to not to view sperm like a virus - it can't 'infect' you, it's not sentient or intelligent and getting pregnant isn't like catching a virus, there's a huge amount of very precise and time-sensitive things that need to happen to cause pregnancy. Even though the what if's are ALWAYS BACK it helps to ground yourself in facts that are widely researched and medically backed up. Sperm is so so fragile and will not survive outside the body for long at all, and it's not resilient to being dumped on surfaces or moved around via hands onto other objects. But I'm still the same I'll waste so much time worrying and avoiding situations like even taking parcels from delivery guys, brushing past guys in a supermarket aisle or touching any door handle etc. I believe has been 'contaminated' by it. You're so not alone and I hope you're doing okay now!

Estrid

Date posted: 4y ago

I have also had this fear. So I understand you. I dont know if your therapists have been specialized in OCD? The only way to tell your brain that this is false beliefs is to break the compulsions. You cant find the answer by argumenting, just by acting in a new way. You need help in that exposures. When you break the compulsions, stop washing your hands step by step your brain responds with a "okaaaay, she doesnt wash her hands in that exessive way any longer- well I dont need to send these ridiculous thoughrs anymore". You can do it?

StefH

Date posted: 4y ago

Thank you so much I know I have been trying to not give in but when I don’t and I try to not wash my hands it’s like the flood gates open and every type of worst fear comes to mind. How have you delt with that, if that’s something you have experienced? And did you do a hierarchy list and expose that way or I have also heard of another method where he used the analogy of just jumping right in the pool instead of feeling the water first and slowly getting in the pool. So basically ERP cold turkey..

Estrid

Date posted: 4y ago

@StefH I dont think cold turkey is a good idea for the most of us. I have tried many times...I think the best is to work through the fears step by step, by that you get stronger. The mist important thing to me has been to make a plan for everyday and every week what to do. If we wait until the moment comes we start to hesitate. If you have decied beforehand what to its easier to make it I think. You will get anxious when you face the fear, but you will learn that you dont have to "fear the fear", its just emotions, not facts. If you cant find a ERP therapist you can try a workbook for OCD. It's not impossible to learn to manage this.

StefH

Date posted: 4y ago

@Estrid Yeah I do have an OCD work book and I just started reading Brain Lock. I like the idea of having a daily and/or weekly plan. The worst though is always when something happens unexpectedly. For instance (and you won’t believe how many times I’ve seen this in public) but boys or even adult men “adjust” themselves like it’s nothing! And a boy or young teenager did it (NOT outside his pants) and I was handed something right after this kid was handed his and I believe this trigger happened maybe a year ago and to this day I have this around my house I avoid because I either touched them later that day when I got home from work but still had my work clothes on (even though I washed my hands obviously). Like for example there was a lamp and I touched it and then it later hit me that now because I touched that lamp and I had my work clothes on that boys “private area stuff/germs” are now there so I moved it to our guest bedroom but now even though the lamp isn’t the same lamp in my bedroom I still walk past that area and have you make sure to pay attention that I don’t get near the area or the outlet the lamp was plugged into OR and this happens a lot, i don’t know if you can relate, but I will THINK I touched it/something but in reality I highly highly doubt I did or even was close enough to of touched it. Sorry for the novel!

Estrid

Date posted: 4y ago

@StefH OCD friend, no worries about the "novel", I can relate to this very much. No problems at all...nowadays I'm afraid of other contaminants but it works the same. And I have had fears that I have been pregnant in very strange ways. Someone touched that, and then I touched, and then....yes. and it never ends. We have to break that loop. I know it can be hard to face the unexpected triggers, but if we work on the ERP, in the end we can learn to handle even these ones. I have read Brain lock, it is good in many way, but it doesn t teach ERP very well. I can recommend for example "The ACT Workbook for OCD", or "The mindfulness workbook for OCD" or check out IOCDFs webbsite for resources. I can also recommend ERP school by Kimberley Quinlan, a resource online (you have to pay for it), its very pedagogical and you learn the basics of ERP.

Mooooni

Date posted: 24w ago

Ocd and sex

I noticed I’ve been posting a lot these past few weeks. I just hate my brain and been having a lot of ocd I’m very picky who I’m intimate with. I also have a strong fear of stds/hiv very heavily. I am afraid of lots of things but I can’t live in fear so I decided to engage in intimacy last night. (TMI) I thought the condom popped, but when he showed me it was closed and sealed but my ocd brain is thinking some of it ripped. Now I know that you have to expose yourself to situations that threaten you. I also noticed that I beat myself up heavy when I do an exposure and im still paranoid and then become grateful I’m so tired of my brain and not being able to enjoy anything sometimes: I sometimes feel like leaving this earth.

Kay_buni

Date posted: 22w ago

POCD has taken over my life for the past years.

POCD has been the worst thing I've ever been through. I feel like I have always sort of experienced it but not to the degree I do now. I used to plan being a mother to a beautiful family. Now I don't know if I'll ever have children at the risk of having a girl. I used to have intrusive thoughts that would make me feel weird but I could just move on from them. That was until I had to babysit my niece and change her diaper. I want to throw up thinking about it. I got a horribly strong groinal response and I didn't know what to do. I didn't understand why it was happening. It bothered me all day that day and later on I did the disgusting deed of testing myself. I regret it everyday. It's a horrible compulsion and it haunts me. I tested if I was getting off to the thought of her. And of course there was stimulation because of the groinal response. But I hated doing it. I just felt like I had to be sure. After that and since then I haven't wanted to be around her. I stopped planning being a mother, I stopped watching cute baby videos like I used to enjoy because they trigger disgusting intrusive thoughts. After a while I stopped being intimate with my boyfriend and haven't done anything with for months because the thoughts take over and make me feel like I may enjoy the deed more if I was thinking of children. I worry that maybe I do enjoy these thoughts and I'm just denying it. I wish I could be sure. I feel so disgusting and ugly, I've never hated myself this much. It takes over most of my days. I wish I had never changed her diaper. Some times in moments of clarity I am so sure that I'm not a predator, but when I am vulnerable OCD sneaks back in and tells me I enjoy my thoughts and that I should think them. Sometimes it gets so overwhelming that I have to test. I wish I could stop. It ruins my entire week. I feel like a monster. I want to love my life again. I miss life before this. I feel so hopeless most of the time and I can't imagine a way out. I'm scared to start therapy because what if I found out I am a monster? I can't live like that. I won't. I want to cry and scream. Am I alone in this?

POCD

hopefulxmess

Date posted: 15w ago

Mama in distress😪

My ocd is ruining my relationship with my kids. Because of the intrusive thoughts I avoid being close to them, hugging or cuddling up to watch tv. My ocd is either telling me I wouldn’t care if harm came to them or it turns everything into something sexual or inappropriate. For example, my daughter wanted to show me how long her nails are so she started scratching my arm gently. It felt so nice and relaxing and I immediately panicked because I was scared the ocd would cause a groinal and I don’t ever, ever want a feeling like that connected with my child even though I know it’s the ocd causing it and not me i’d still feel horrible. I just want to be a normal loving affectionate mom and I can never be that for my kids because of ocd😪 I don’t see any other parents posting about going through this or commenting that they do and how they cope. I feel so alone and defeated.

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