My gecko died, I knew it was coming, she's been sick for awhile. It's still horrible, but I don't feel emtionally sad like I should and my thoughts seem worse. I cried some but I felt empty like I do now....I don't know how ocd related it is but i really hate I'm not feeling how I should..

We still don’t know what happened to her. Young, healthy, vibrant. I have so many thoughts…I want to know what happened to her. She is the one I would go to for times like this. I feel selfish as well. I’ve been seeing her for ten years. I can’t imagine starting over. So many strong OCD issues that she helped me through. I have lost an important person in my life. My heart and prayers go out to her family.

I had to say goodbye to my beagle early this morning and I’m severely struggling to cope with this as he helped me through some of my worst ocd flare up’s and it feels like I’m grieving him and the support I had for times like these. I’m at a loss. Looking for advice/coping? It feels so dramatic to be this sad and I haven’t stopped crying all day. This pain is unreal😔

It’s been a minute since I have been on here. I did get NOOCD therapist session a while back to verify if I really had OCD. I was told it sounded like I had “just right” OCD. Of course, temporary relief only with that confirmation which are two professional takes on my situation. You think that would be enough for my brain. If I detect even the slightest doubt in someone’s voice on my ADHD/OCD diagnosis then It messes with me. I lost my Dad last month. I was taking care of him the best I could but I replay events. HOWEVER, I am on Adderall and when it quiets my default brain network I handle life without crying. I think about what I am doing but as it wears off then I am back to thinking about everything I don’t want to think about. Adderall for me confuses me if it’s right. Especially, when so much of my life is still a disorganized mess. I think it’s making me kinda detached from people. I don’t know that I feel things the way I should be that’s healthy. What breaks through the Adderall in my mind is I default to questioning my diagnosis again. I use to not believe I had ADHD, then didn’t believe I had OCD. I fully accepted ADHD but now I am questioning if it’s actually all OCD after all and being medicated completely wrong. I notice this has gotten worse, plus I am doing this gathering of things. People gave me or I found a great deal on. All with the intention of listing on eBay YET nothings organized and when I sit down to list then nothing happens. I can’t get things in my environment or mind just right to list. I get hung up on photos not being good enough plus everything else with double checking my entries being right. Then I don’t list because I doubt it’s good enough. I had this problem before my Dad passed away but everything’s off the charts right now I guess. My mother called me a hoarder. I have accumulated things faster than my abilities to organize and sell them has occurred but at least it’s all in a shop and not my house. She’s always been the worst for my self esteem. I guess I am mainly just venting here. I am sure OCD would flare up worse after loss of a parent. I just feel like the wheels have come off and don’t know how to gain control.