Woke up with suicidal thoughts this morning. I developed a new compulsion of looking at reddit forums similar to my situation. This particular one set me off and now I really feel unlovable. Just like the girlfriend he is describing I am also 27 and tried a sugar baby site for 2 months and was taken advantage of and it was also poor naive decision making on my part. The men on here are so cruel. https://www.reddit.com/r/relationship_advice/comments/dwjg87/should_my_28m_girlfriends_27f_sugar_baby_past_be/?utm_source=amp&utm_medium=&utm_content=post_body

They advertise seeking arrangement sugar site to be like dating or a relationship. The reality is women are treated like prostitutes and there are many things perverts posing as sugar daddies on those sites. The first one told me he would take me to dinner and be my mentor and it would be like dating, but that we would meet in between so he took me to motel rooms. I demanded more respect after a few visits and called him out for not dating me like he claimed he would and he said he couldn’t put up with me anymore and gave me an envelope of 200 bucks out of pity. The second guy talked with me for over a month like a normal person and promised something similar and he just lured me into a bar basement when I was drunk for a blowjob. He ghosts me then months later finds me on Instagram to say “hey remember me? You enjoyed giving me that blowjob”. When I called him out for being a con he said “you drive a Mercedes. Why would I pay you? Bye hoe”. I have developed an ocd where I think my past will come to haunt me so I confess and I fear the worst case scenario “what if I was secretly recorded and put on pornhub or something”. So I compulsively check porn sites. It goes against all my morals but I got beat up by my dad and was working 2 jobs after college in deep debt (because on top of college I decided to travel the world which is expensive) and I just wanted to be financially stable so that when I’m ready to settle down with a guy I love, I’ll be in a good position. Now it backfired and now I don’t think any man will want me. My narc ex used to bring up my past all the time and say he couldn’t marry me.

It’s hard because I go to reddit for other things too which aren’t bad. I watch the show 90 day fiancé and they have forums on that show and the people on it, or things about psychology (raised by narcissists - my father is one). I guess all my alone time in this pandemic is making me look into the internet too much.

@Anxiousgirl Personally I find it useful to compare OCD to addiction in many ways. So, if quitting cold turkey is too hard, maybe weaning yourself away will help? You could try setting a timer or some other limit on reddit (or the internet in general), and when it goes off, you drop whatever you’re doing online for a different, constructive activity? Crochet or some other kind of needlework—any kind of crafting, really—immediately comes to mind, since human minds generally get a big kick/happiness boost out of making something with tangible results. Going outside also tends to make people feel better, even if it’s only a marginal and temporary change. But it could be anything that you enjoy doing by yourself and takes up the better part of your attention. When I was deep in crisis, the only thing that could banish my obsessions totally (albeit temporarily) was working on my Captain America fanfiction.

@Lunetta I do find that running outside makes me feel better. I’m constantly working in my room and try and make time during lunch to go outside. I’m afraid for the winter when it gets colder and I’m still working from home. I think cold turkey is best for me even though it affects my work concentration because once I start again I don’t stop.

@Anxiousgirl Maybe try running outdoors while the weather is good, and make plans for a suitable indoor hobby once it gets too cold to go outside?

Thanks for commenting this. I think my narc ex who used to emotionally abuse me and make me feel worthless is part of the cause of me being like this today. He would tell me “how can I marry you?”. I commented under the first comment of this post about my experience on seeking arrangement. I’m currently in therapy but I find support on here too because I feel like I’m in a community and not alone. I also think part of my shame is from being raised Turkish and Muslim. My parents are pretty Americanized but still raised me to be a virgin until I was married. I went to a huge party school and went wild and then the problems just continued after graduation when I came back home. Now I’m agoraphobic being in New York because the con sugar daddies are here.

@Anxiousgirl I'm in NY too. So many of the "sugar daddies" around here are fake and use SA as a tool to connect with vulnerable people. I remember I did a lot of vetting before meeting up with them and I still had some bad situations. But you can't blame yourself for how others have harmed you. It isn't your fault. You aren't evil or bad for doing sex work. I'm reading a book about it now called "Revolting Prostitutes: The Fight for Sex Workers' Rights". Highly recommend it. It might help you process your experience. It's helped me connect a lot of things about my own experiences and what other sex workers go through around the world.

@Anxiousgirl I work in the Bronx! I don't post often, but I'll add you on IG!

Yeah. I didn’t even get paid I just got sexually exploited. I outlined my experience under the first commenter of this post. I’m currently in therapy. I had an ocd specialist for many years but can’t afford her anymore so I am on the BetterHelp app and she specializes in general CBT and PTSD. I’m currently doing exposure work and cognitive processing therapy. I just get in these funks especially in this pandemic. I feel alone and unlovable and I have flashbacks to when I tried this site when I was 23.

@Anxiousgirl Yeah, we’ve talked before about this incident. Like, honestly I think the negative judgement in society toward sexuality and sex work is just wrong. And men who treat women as damaged goods for being exploited are, well, douchbags, and sexist. You’ve been through a lot though and it makes sense that these negative messages you see would hurt you. It makes sense that this has damaged your self esteem. But these messages are lies, you are lovable, you are worthy, and you are beautiful and amazing, not despite your past, but with it, and also with all the other complex pieces that make you who you are: the highs and the lows.

@Nikki1809 Ah yes. Sorry, I sometimes forget who knows this story on here. I’m repeated it so many times! I really appreciate the love and support. I need to have more compassion towards myself.

@Anxiousgirl Glad to support you. One thing I saw Kaitie the Advocate tell someone once, that I really liked and I’ve been telling people, is that if you want to have self compassion, treat yourself as if you love yourself, even when you don’t, because we change thoughts by changing actions.

Reddit is so addicting because there are so many subreddits. They have some okay subreddits on there but the ones on relationships are horrific. I know I will come across people like the reddit commenters but I’m so fragile these days I just can’t handle any kind of rejection or judgment.

Also I went back and read that post. Holy shit is that the most toxic thing I have ever read. That is like.....some of the most misogyny i have seen in one place. They literally use the term "dont wife up prostitutes". Like....what? Why? So much if that infuriates me. This is off topic now but a woman who is a sex worker is not trash to be thrown away. These people writing these comments are all really insecure and you would not want to be around someone like that anyway. I could never tolerate someone with that point of view in my life. Like just think about how you wouldnt want to date a misogynist like that anyway. The people on these posts are really awful.

@catattak There are so many reddit posts like this with the same kind of commenters so my OCD tells me most men think like this, as if the entire world is on reddit. I know it’s a popular site so I assume that everyone is on there. It’s hard for me to get a thick skin and handle rejection if I were to ever come across one of these misogyntistic men from Reddit in real life.

@Anxiousgirl Just dont let them indirectly pass judgement on you without using some judgement and a critical eye on them. That's all. For ocd, you know that looking these up isnt good. But it's really hard when your whole job is on a computer. I'm working from home online too and need to be logged into a computer showing as active on microsoft teams for 8 hours a day. It's so hard being at a computer that long and not using it to look things up. I notice on a monday I'm fairly calm but by friday I'm so ramped up because my whole week was 8 hours a day in front of a computer I can use to look up covid articles. I'm so aware that my work makes it very easy for me to do compulsions and very hard to abstain. I try to leave youtube on my tv in the background so when I feel a strong urge to read up on covid, I turn on a funny youtube video and try to let the urge pass. It's not great work ethic but it's all I can think of for now. If we think of a good workout for being in front of a computer all day we'll share with eachother :)

@catattak Yes!! Being in front of the computer makes this all so worse. It’s so easy when my fingertips are right at the screen or on my phone to look something up. I also try to look up articles about sex workers in Muslim countries so that I don’t feel as bad. I had met a nice Turkish guy on the site when I was on it (the one good guy I met, who happened to know my relatives which was risky) and he told me he’s never seen a Turkish girl on the site before. That was my bad for not using some kind of alias. But it makes me feel alone in my own cultural community. I’m sure there are out there but it’s frowned upon and no one would ever admit it. As you can tell from my social media I’m pretty American haha I’m just always torn between the two worlds and feel like I don’t have any individuality.