- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
I was always under the impression that sugaring didnt involve sex. Regardless all of those men are bottom of the barrel assholes. They belong to the streets. People ARE NOT defined by their pasts. I bet if someone were to bring up some of their mistakes they would change their tune about that very quickly. I don't understand why people cheer men on for sleeping around, but when a women does it she's considered to be in the wrong. Like no if she's a "whore" (which she isn't) so the fuck are they.
- Date posted
- 4y
They advertise seeking arrangement sugar site to be like dating or a relationship. The reality is women are treated like prostitutes and there are many things perverts posing as sugar daddies on those sites. The first one told me he would take me to dinner and be my mentor and it would be like dating, but that we would meet in between so he took me to motel rooms. I demanded more respect after a few visits and called him out for not dating me like he claimed he would and he said he couldn’t put up with me anymore and gave me an envelope of 200 bucks out of pity. The second guy talked with me for over a month like a normal person and promised something similar and he just lured me into a bar basement when I was drunk for a blowjob. He ghosts me then months later finds me on Instagram to say “hey remember me? You enjoyed giving me that blowjob”. When I called him out for being a con he said “you drive a Mercedes. Why would I pay you? Bye hoe”. I have developed an ocd where I think my past will come to haunt me so I confess and I fear the worst case scenario “what if I was secretly recorded and put on pornhub or something”. So I compulsively check porn sites. It goes against all my morals but I got beat up by my dad and was working 2 jobs after college in deep debt (because on top of college I decided to travel the world which is expensive) and I just wanted to be financially stable so that when I’m ready to settle down with a guy I love, I’ll be in a good position. Now it backfired and now I don’t think any man will want me. My narc ex used to bring up my past all the time and say he couldn’t marry me.
- Date posted
- 4y
I am so sorry that you were abused like that. It’s very good that you’re aware that checking reddit is compulsive behavior. IANA therapist, but personally, I think that not only is it exacerbating the OCD, it’s probably reopening the wound you sustained from your abuse experience on the sugar baby site. Are you able to block reddit on your devices? Putting up a barrier might help redirect your thoughts away from carrying out the compulsion.
- Date posted
- 4y
It’s hard because I go to reddit for other things too which aren’t bad. I watch the show 90 day fiancé and they have forums on that show and the people on it, or things about psychology (raised by narcissists - my father is one). I guess all my alone time in this pandemic is making me look into the internet too much.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Anxiousgirl Personally I find it useful to compare OCD to addiction in many ways. So, if quitting cold turkey is too hard, maybe weaning yourself away will help? You could try setting a timer or some other limit on reddit (or the internet in general), and when it goes off, you drop whatever you’re doing online for a different, constructive activity? Crochet or some other kind of needlework—any kind of crafting, really—immediately comes to mind, since human minds generally get a big kick/happiness boost out of making something with tangible results. Going outside also tends to make people feel better, even if it’s only a marginal and temporary change. But it could be anything that you enjoy doing by yourself and takes up the better part of your attention. When I was deep in crisis, the only thing that could banish my obsessions totally (albeit temporarily) was working on my Captain America fanfiction.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Lunetta I do find that running outside makes me feel better. I’m constantly working in my room and try and make time during lunch to go outside. I’m afraid for the winter when it gets colder and I’m still working from home. I think cold turkey is best for me even though it affects my work concentration because once I start again I don’t stop.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Anxiousgirl Maybe try running outdoors while the weather is good, and make plans for a suitable indoor hobby once it gets too cold to go outside?
- Date posted
- 4y
Hi Anxiousgirl, I'm 27 and did sex work for a little while too. Lots of people do sex work, including men. This reddit post says more about him than his partner. For some men, I think being with someone who has more sexual experience than them can make them feel insecure and angry. But I know several people who currently do sex work and have a loving, caring partner. You aren't unlovable! I don't know your situation, but I hope things get a little easier for you today. Hope you are safe
- Date posted
- 4y
Thanks for commenting this. I think my narc ex who used to emotionally abuse me and make me feel worthless is part of the cause of me being like this today. He would tell me “how can I marry you?”. I commented under the first comment of this post about my experience on seeking arrangement. I’m currently in therapy but I find support on here too because I feel like I’m in a community and not alone. I also think part of my shame is from being raised Turkish and Muslim. My parents are pretty Americanized but still raised me to be a virgin until I was married. I went to a huge party school and went wild and then the problems just continued after graduation when I came back home. Now I’m agoraphobic being in New York because the con sugar daddies are here.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Anxiousgirl I'm in NY too. So many of the "sugar daddies" around here are fake and use SA as a tool to connect with vulnerable people. I remember I did a lot of vetting before meeting up with them and I still had some bad situations. But you can't blame yourself for how others have harmed you. It isn't your fault. You aren't evil or bad for doing sex work. I'm reading a book about it now called "Revolting Prostitutes: The Fight for Sex Workers' Rights". Highly recommend it. It might help you process your experience. It's helped me connect a lot of things about my own experiences and what other sex workers go through around the world.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Anxiousgirl I work in the Bronx! I don't post often, but I'll add you on IG!
- Date posted
- 4y
Honestly, people should be allowed to express their sexuality and I don’t see anything wrong with you doing what you did. It’s the men who abused you and used you who should be ashamed, and any man who treats a woman as lesser for having sex or doing sexual things is quite frankly discriminatory and wrong. Also I agree that scrolling through reddit is likely not going to be helpful. You said you’ve been having suicidal thoughts. How are you handling them? Do you need to call a crisis line?
- Date posted
- 4y
Yeah. I didn’t even get paid I just got sexually exploited. I outlined my experience under the first commenter of this post. I’m currently in therapy. I had an ocd specialist for many years but can’t afford her anymore so I am on the BetterHelp app and she specializes in general CBT and PTSD. I’m currently doing exposure work and cognitive processing therapy. I just get in these funks especially in this pandemic. I feel alone and unlovable and I have flashbacks to when I tried this site when I was 23.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Anxiousgirl Yeah, we’ve talked before about this incident. Like, honestly I think the negative judgement in society toward sexuality and sex work is just wrong. And men who treat women as damaged goods for being exploited are, well, douchbags, and sexist. You’ve been through a lot though and it makes sense that these negative messages you see would hurt you. It makes sense that this has damaged your self esteem. But these messages are lies, you are lovable, you are worthy, and you are beautiful and amazing, not despite your past, but with it, and also with all the other complex pieces that make you who you are: the highs and the lows.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Nikki1809 Ah yes. Sorry, I sometimes forget who knows this story on here. I’m repeated it so many times! I really appreciate the love and support. I need to have more compassion towards myself.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Anxiousgirl Glad to support you. One thing I saw Kaitie the Advocate tell someone once, that I really liked and I’ve been telling people, is that if you want to have self compassion, treat yourself as if you love yourself, even when you don’t, because we change thoughts by changing actions.
- Date posted
- 4y
It might also be worthwhile to remember that most people without OCD do not spend as much time on self-reflection as we do. In all likelihood, these men have not thoroughly examined their opinions, don’t know *why* they wouldn’t want to be with an ex-sugar baby, and are merely going off the basest social teaching about women and sex work. Presumably you want a thoughtful partner who has examined his biases and realizes that consensual sexual behavior, whether it involves an exchange of money or not, is not a reflection on someone’s character, lovability, or worth. You’re not going to find that on reddit, a site famed for being mostly a rusty toilet bowl, where anybody with any level of education and self-awareness can shit out whatever brain diarrhea happens to be percolating in their head at that moment.
- Date posted
- 4y
Reddit is so addicting because there are so many subreddits. They have some okay subreddits on there but the ones on relationships are horrific. I know I will come across people like the reddit commenters but I’m so fragile these days I just can’t handle any kind of rejection or judgment.
- Date posted
- 4y
Oh my goodness girl. Those posts and forums are not good. I dont know what to say and I dont want to reassure you but someone's sexual past does NOT define them. These men have damaged egos. Just like us girls suffer with insecurities, so do they. The way someone views you is not a representation of you. It's a representation of THEIR OWN experiences. I honestly can't imagine someone even caring about sugaring because to me, in my life, it seems fine. My friends all think it's fine and I just grew up in a feminist environment where women are allowed to be open and try whatever they want. That's so much easier for me to say because I haven't experienced trauma, but what I'm hoping comes across is a takeaway that a critical eye would be helpful when thinking of these things. The guy who wrote that post is not an expert or a representation of what's morally right. He doesn't speak on behalf of society. He is one person with one person's life experiences. And I know you find a lot of these posts, but I'm sure you find comments of people who dont care either. Remember that those people are so insecure, they went on reddit to validate their insecurities. That must mean something and point to the fact that they are not the voice of the masses. They arent sure either. Which means it's not definitive or the end all be all. You have no idea how they grew up. Your scared and nervous and looking for guidance or certainty. But the fact is those guys are not certain either. They are insecure and looking for people to bolster their claims too. So realistically, they can't be taken seriously or as definite.
- Date posted
- 4y
Also I went back and read that post. Holy shit is that the most toxic thing I have ever read. That is like.....some of the most misogyny i have seen in one place. They literally use the term "dont wife up prostitutes". Like....what? Why? So much if that infuriates me. This is off topic now but a woman who is a sex worker is not trash to be thrown away. These people writing these comments are all really insecure and you would not want to be around someone like that anyway. I could never tolerate someone with that point of view in my life. Like just think about how you wouldnt want to date a misogynist like that anyway. The people on these posts are really awful.
- Date posted
- 4y
@catattak There are so many reddit posts like this with the same kind of commenters so my OCD tells me most men think like this, as if the entire world is on reddit. I know it’s a popular site so I assume that everyone is on there. It’s hard for me to get a thick skin and handle rejection if I were to ever come across one of these misogyntistic men from Reddit in real life.
- Date posted
- 4y
@Anxiousgirl Just dont let them indirectly pass judgement on you without using some judgement and a critical eye on them. That's all. For ocd, you know that looking these up isnt good. But it's really hard when your whole job is on a computer. I'm working from home online too and need to be logged into a computer showing as active on microsoft teams for 8 hours a day. It's so hard being at a computer that long and not using it to look things up. I notice on a monday I'm fairly calm but by friday I'm so ramped up because my whole week was 8 hours a day in front of a computer I can use to look up covid articles. I'm so aware that my work makes it very easy for me to do compulsions and very hard to abstain. I try to leave youtube on my tv in the background so when I feel a strong urge to read up on covid, I turn on a funny youtube video and try to let the urge pass. It's not great work ethic but it's all I can think of for now. If we think of a good workout for being in front of a computer all day we'll share with eachother :)
- Date posted
- 4y
@catattak Yes!! Being in front of the computer makes this all so worse. It’s so easy when my fingertips are right at the screen or on my phone to look something up. I also try to look up articles about sex workers in Muslim countries so that I don’t feel as bad. I had met a nice Turkish guy on the site when I was on it (the one good guy I met, who happened to know my relatives which was risky) and he told me he’s never seen a Turkish girl on the site before. That was my bad for not using some kind of alias. But it makes me feel alone in my own cultural community. I’m sure there are out there but it’s frowned upon and no one would ever admit it. As you can tell from my social media I’m pretty American haha I’m just always torn between the two worlds and feel like I don’t have any individuality.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 21w
tw . . . . . . I don't want to trigger anyone, so please be warned before reading. I'm feeling pretty hopeless. I don't know if I deserve... anything. I've had two therapists now tell me I'm normal and I don't need to worry so much, but I find it hard to believe them. Just when I think I'm doing okay, thoughts flood back in. I feel like the world is better off without me in it and that others would agree if they weren't a paid therapist there to give me reassurance. I'm tempted to break up with my boyfriend because he doesn't deserve this. I want to pretend I'm okay for the sake of my parents. But if they passed away, I'm not sure I'd have much strength to live for myself. This feeling is pretty bad right now. Overwhelming. I have absolutely no love for myself. I can't even distract myself by watching TV or shows I love, because all I can think is, "Look at those people. They deserve to live and be happy, and I'm not one of them." Gah, this is bad. I'm an adult, and I feel like such a baby for feeling this way. How dramatic am I? How can other people have similar (if not worse) thoughts than me, and then still be ok with themselves? I miss the person I used to be. I miss feeling okay. I feel ok momentarily, but then it all comes crashing down. I can't stand it. All I want is for things to go back to how they used to be.
- Date posted
- 18w
I’m a 23 y/o female who has recently entered a phase of obsessive thoughts of mistakes I’ve made, ranging from events that happened over a decade ago when and I was a kid up to things that happened recently. I feel so much debilitating guilt I can’t do anything or function. I especially feel bad for this one instance. I have always had extremely low self esteem, and I often seek attention and validation especially from men. I like being liked. I find myself trying to act or look cute, or even act somewhat like a pick-me, so that I feel liked. I feel like I may even do this with girls too, but especially guys. I just really like attention, and I’ve been in a stagnant 6 year relationship where I don’t really feel desirable, and I’m very lonely. A few months ago I started playing a game where I met a large group of people and we would all play together everyday. One of the people in particular was a 15/16 year old guy who flirted with me a lot, and I kept my distance because he was so young, and I felt kinda weird talking to someone younger than me, but we would still talk sometimes because we were apart of the same discord group, and I have a problem being stern and confrontational so I didn’t want to be mean or make things awkward in the friend group. Although it made me uncomfortable that he was so young and that I’m nearly a whole decade older than him, and I did make it clear that I was dating someone and I was way too old for him and I would tell him to stop, I wasn’t very stern and I was very lighthearted about it and I even found myself liking the attention I got from him. I was flattered. I liked that he liked me so much even though I knew he was a teenager and I feel like I was maybe even seeking attention from him like I did with the other guys in the group. And when I say seeking attention, I mean that I was acting cute so that I was liked and got attention. Is that considered flirting? Was I flirting with him? Does this make me disgusting? That I liked the attention I got even though he was teenager? That I acted cute around him as well as all the other guys so that he would like me? I feel disgusted with myself. Does this make me a predator? Doesn’t this make me disgusting that I liked attention I got from a teenager? To be fair, I like the attention I get from any guy. I just like feeling liked. But I feel like it makes me disgusting that even though I knew he was a teenager I still liked and was flattered by the attention and was possibly even seeking it out from him. My head is all messed up. I really feel like I’m having an identity crisis. I feel disgusted with myself to the point that I’m nauseous. I’m so ashamed. I’ve been crying nonstop for days on end and I feel truly hopeless. I don’t know how I’m supposed to live my life with this shame and that I’m convinced that makes me a predator or a sick person. I don’t know if I’m overthinking things or not. I just really need some relief because I feel like I’m losing my mind, but I want someone to be honest with me about my actions.
- Date posted
- 16w
Hi I was on here a few days ago talking about how I have POCD because of CSA & how I couldn’t trust my bf. I ended up telling him about this while we were out in nature one day, a pretty secluded area but there were still children visible in the area. We changed by holding a towel up around each other. That was a bit too much for me but I needed to change. He had to urinate and he went behind a tree but I told him just to go in the water because if anyone catches any glimpse of him on accident, it’s illegal and just wrong especially because there were kids across the river. I ended up confronting him about my OCD fears, which was causing me to distrust him (I don’t even trust my own brothers). This man was my first everything, I loved him so much I wanted to trust him so badly. He ended up being offended after I shared my fears. He was offended that I would ever think of him as someone who would hurt kids (like my dad did to me 💔. and yes, he knew what happened to me as a child before alllll of this happened so I though he would understand). He was so offended he told me it was time to go home. He changed in f*cking public. IN PUBLIC AFTER I TOLD HIM THAT CHILDREN MIGHT SEE. We drove 1hr+ back home in silence. It didn’t even process in my mind fully, after this happened I was texting him how much I loved him and didn’t want to break up. But as I started to think about that moment I just feel sick in my stomach. I hate myself I hate my l-fe I genuinely don’t want to b3 h3r3. I’m probably gonna get rid of myself. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t even be in love in peace. I can’t nothing is normal in my life nobody is normal I can’t do this anymore
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