Im really in a dark place, I just got my second DUI for alcohol and my mom died in July unexpectedly. I've suffered with HOCD for 7 years now and im losing the will to live. I've almost lost everything. I could possibly go to jail too. I don't think my life is worth living anymore and it would be better if I were just dead. I went to my lawyer today and he wants 7500$ to take my case yet i have no money. I'd love to just talk to anyone, I feel very alone

In having suicidal thoughts. And i wouldn’t ever do anything to myself but I sometimes wish a bus would hit me or something to end my pain. It’s a dark feeling. My ex that played with me and I thought was gonna be my husband is secretly married with two kids, and was chasing his ex after a drunk outburst I had from depression. He put me through mental abuse and I was jobless and financially dependent on him. Deep on the inside I felt like I didn’t deserve better than him because when I was working multiple jobs and in debt once a friend told me to try a sugar baby site. I couldn’t make it past two disgusting sexual encounters in a motel room and a bar basement. My dad has beat me up at the time and was emotionally abusive so I was in a rebellious period of my life where I wanted quick money to leave the house, except I was only conned and not paid and just used. I feel like if I ever open up to anyone ever again I will be rejected and judged from my past. I met my ex while trying to start a new life in Dubai and he sent me back to the US for a break after abusive fights erupted. I discovered his secrets and he broke up with me saying he lost feelings and was faking after my drunk outburst. I still can’t find a job in my field and am working as a cashier at a grocery store. I got offered an off the books job that pays more money and my mom is so controlling and a perfectionist she told me if I did that I wouldn’t have my car, so now I’m walking 40 min to my grocery store job in the suburbs. I’m so overwhelmed with depression and stress. My entire life fell apart. I have zero self esteem left.

Sooooooo omg my mom mentioned that she saw a show on televisopn where people with weird mental ilnesses spoke and she mentioned that there was someone with hocd and how she thought it was weird but she thought in this generation she doesnt blame people for having it because it isnt their own fault and there is alot of pressure on your sexuality and omg i got sooo red and i felt like i was gonna burst out in tears and tell them everyything i was sooo close to just break and tell them what ive been going trough for the past year. Im so freaked out and like... i jusr wanna tell them but im ashamed and i know i will n e v e r tell them but i cant believe i got this close. And i just dont know what to do bevause on the show the doctor said a looot of people approached him with having hocd and that its really a new big mental ilness thing. You know what it is, my mom said that the man on the show who had hocd said he wasnt in to guys at all but his brain told him he liked it and that was me in the ebginning of hocd but now i have a feeling i cant relate anymore and that hurts so much because its like hocd has gotten so deep into me that i honestly believe it and like i created genuine feelings towards woman. I dont know what to think anymroe. I pray everynight god will Release me and somehow i feel like this is my punishment for not listenig to Him and i also todsy read in the bible That people who ignore god do things wrong when it comes to sexual stuff and that people wont be able to think clear anymore and that they will be lost and thats just me and im So afraid because the bible says people will be punished for it idk im so freaked out!!!! I wanna be a better person so bad but i cant when my brain is like this i need help from god but im scared he just rejects me vecause ive been a horrrible person. So selfish and i know my heart is ebtter than that but i cant set good apart from bad bevause my brain wont let me. Its like i dont give a shit about anyhting anymore and i miss me who could think clear and who was genuine and honored god. Its like ny current brain cant do that snymore it doesnt have the right functions for it anymorw. Like the good part in me had been cut out and im tryna find it but its destroyed and theres no way it will come back.

I hope someone's here for me. I'm at an extreme low. Passing thoughts of suicide exist. I don't think I'll act on it, I just don't know what to do. These past 5 months are enough for me to know what kind of person I am, and it's not good. My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago. A lot of my friends are telling me I'm a narcissist and too rude with my humor. One of them advised that I should isolate myself from them until I learn to be a better person. Any joy I feel is undeserved. The shit I've seen because of this illness. There's things online that I think I've seen for a couple seconds that's genuinely incriminating. So why is there any compassion? Why am I here? Considering that back in July I'd look up bikini gifs on tenor to make sure I was straight, some of those gifs were tik toks. What if those people were underage? I can't bare this. My parents say there is nothing to worry about but they're liars. I don't wish this upon any other 15 year old. I am not a good person.