"pOCD and zOCD false memories" I'm so sorry for venting... I need help... Or just someone to lend me an ear. I'm suffering from really serious, really bad false memories that are not only illegal but also make me feel like a monster. Basically, my false memories are extended to these two topics only and are always of a sexual nature. 1. That I used my pets as tools to obtain sexual gratification. (and or touched them) 2. That I touched a child (during an actual real event) inappropriately. I don't have images for these false memories... It's more fears than anything else! I feel like I forgot about them or I'm just in denial. The 1st one comes from a situation where I masturb- near my cat. (she was in my bed but I can't recall where she was standing). There's also another situation that I have also masturb- near my dog but in this case, she wasn't near me. Just in the same room as me, in separate beds. The 2nd is from a real event where I played with this child in the pool. I can only remember one physical interaction that was giving her a piggyback ride. In conclusion, I'm so afraid these are real and if they are real, then I should be punished! I don't want to go to jail because I'm terrified of that place so the only option is to kill myself. I don't deserve to be happy or even alive...

I'm honestly scared these are more than thoughts and actually past events. I'm terrified and I don't have anyone to help me unfortunately.

Hello S-! Thank you so much for this reply. I'm so sorry for not saying something early. I took a brief vacation of social media these past days... And well, I have no excuse to answer late. I just didn't came to this app - that's all. And I'm so sorry if I made you worry about me. (hugs you) I'm so sorry for hugging you... This made me cry (tears of hapiness, I promise) not a lot of people care about me and those who do (like you) are on the other side of the screen so this feels like I'm not properly thanking you, however, i want you to know that I truly TRULY appreciate what you've been doing for me. Really... It makes my heart full that strangers care about me so much. Not even my parents do this for me eheh. I am feeling better from this. I know ruminate is bad but I'm trying to fight it with logic. It's not 100 percent bulletproof but I'm fighting it. Thank you... I'm not going anywhere... (hugs you) really, thank you... I wish I knew what to say. I'm so sorry that my words don't convey hoe grateful I am for your kindness. Just thank you. I hope this isn't weird to say but You are a ray of sunshine.. ❤️ Your words always get through me and make me feel better.

@myocdstory Girl I love you so so so so much. I'm so glad you are doing okay. Not perfect but okay. I was thinking of and praying for you today and wanted to text you and i saw youd already texted me. 💛💛 Thanks for the hugs love. I so want you to be happy and I'm here for you. In sorry we can't talk much more closely but I promise I am over here in Utah and I am praying for you and hoping alllll the best for you. You are BEAUTIFUL and you DESERVR TO BE HERE. I am proud of you and honored to be friends with you. 💛💛💛💛💛🙏💕💕💕

@Daisy102 I'd love to talk more with you... But I also feel like I don't deserve you.. You are so kind to me... Thank you so much for those beautiful words. I'm actually crying right now. Thank you!

@myocdstory Yeah. Don't worry. I dont deaerve you as a friend either! To deserve something one has to earn it by oneself right? But... I am just a fallible human. So are you! I think one of the hardest things to learn for me is that I cant earn the good in my life. Sometimes good just comes! I believe there is a God who is blessing me because he loves me. Others may say ita chance. But at any rate... My friendships and good things in my life don't come because of my deserving them! All humans are equally valuable... I can't earn the good in my life, and neither can you. Sometimes we just got to accept it. Something I have learned recently from a book (by Steven Lars Nielsen and Albert Ellis and someone else I forget... About REBT and counseling with religious persons...) Is, THERE ARE NO GOOD PEOPLE. There are no bad people. We are just all... People. I have good in me. And bad. I have potential for both, and you habe potential for both. So... Even if it seems fair to have to deserve things... Honestly, were just people. We can't make ourselves more or less worthy. As humans, we are, because we are human, infinitely and immeasurably valuable. SO- If anyone deserves a friend, H, YOU do.

@Daisy102 Thank you. I do believe in that ideal. There isn't anyone who's 100 percent bad nor good. I don't know why I hate myself so much. I just do? I've always did. I can't stand myself and I will go to great lengths to injury myself, either physically or emotionally. It's pathetic but there's something inside of me that tells me to not be happy, to not have friends, etc. I can't change that mindset.

@myocdstory I am sorry you feel that way. I don't have it to the extent you do, but I hate myself sometimes as well. I'm not sure why it happens. My theroy is brain chemicals...maybe our self loathing doesn't have any bearing on our actual value but instead is a comment on our biological processes. I dunno, what do you think?

@Daisy102 Can I share something about my mom that truly makes me confused? She does not understand emotions. I feel like she's completely apart from within the normal range of feelings. She feels compassion, empathy but only at certain levels. And thinks she's always right because her mind doesn't think outside the box. She thinks her "logic" is the right and universal one. For example, depression: she thinks it's a luxury to be depressed. She can't conceive why someone can be depressed. "why not just move on and be productive? It's in the past. Move foward." she almost thinks like a robot but other times she badgers my father over things he did 20 years ago. (I'm not joking on that). Why doesn't she move on? However, she thinks she's above everything (I mean emotionally. She isn't narcissistic) and sees the world with" logic". This is just an example: she hates romance and can't understand why people be in love, etc, etc. Me, on the other hand, I know that people have different brain chemistries and life experiences that will create different responses to an event. So yeah. I understand why some people can be more lovey dovey than others. That's why I can easily place myself in the other person's shoes and try to understand why they decided to do certain things facing an obstacle. Because everyone has their logic! My mom doesn't see that. Neither does my dad. They are so similar in that... However, they don't share their logics... So their marriage is super crappy. I'm so sorry... I completely went out on the topic... I don't know why I hate myself so much... It's probably a neurochemical thing plus a rough, unloving past. My parents are wonderful and caring but never loving. It's not in them. So the lack of love turned me into the person I am today: super clingy, self-hatred, fear to be abandoned by others...

@myocdstory Okay. I'm sorry youre in that situation... That sounds really hard. I think you're an amazing person though. Youve been through cheap and still are going through it, but you genuinely care about others and you love deeply. I admire that!

@Daisy102 I understand that past experiences can have a HUGE power to shape us. Thats so valid! You have been shaped by your experiences. But- does it end there? Is your happiness dependent on a solid family situation? Maybe it is, but then again, maybe not. I'm just saying, youve been given a LOT to deal with! A family that is rough, a brain that is biologically different from other brains, a situation where therapy is tricky to find. So... Now what? You've been dealt a difficult hand. There's no way around that. And it stinks. But, you are still alive and as such you can make choices. Do you want to be sad and hate yourself forever? Is that the future you want or something else? Honestly, its a real question. Change is hard... Is it worth it? Be honest with yourself. Would you honestly rather work on the obsessions and compulsions with erp, and try to love yourself by doing concrete thing like telling yourself you are valuable, etc, or would you rather stay as you are? I won't judge you. I'm just saying, whats the future you want? And how can you get there? Are you willing to believe you might be able to someday?

@Daisy102 This will sound weird... Maybe sad. I hope this doesn't brush the wrong way. I can't see a way to love myself and I don't want to. It's weird right? Why don't I want to love myself? It's not because of the hard work it will take, no. I simply can't? Like I said, it's a feeling I can't quite explain. I have such a negative view on myself that I can't shake it off! This may sound a silly metaphor, but it's almost as you're asking me to like Hitler. I just can't do it. (sighs) I'm so sorry... I bet you're tired of my antics. And I don't blame you in any way. (also, my family wasn't so bad.... But I lack the warmth and affection kids usually have in their childhood. My parents loved me but didn't really showed it and my former therapist told me that it would have been important to had received it)

@myocdstory Ok. That makes sense. I get the hitler thing... I wish I didnt but I've felt that way too before. So... Where do we go from here? You don't want to love yourself. I honestly get that. Not perfectly of course, but I see your point. So okay. Now what. Can you be kinder to yourself, even if you dont love yourself? Even if you feel like Hitler, are you not still a human? Don't all.humans deserve some civility? Maybe you can learn to tolerate and be just civil to yourself, if not love yourself. I know thats a tall order. Its hard. I generally like myself, but this week, at least once a day to some extent, not always crazy severe but a few times it was, I have hated myself and told myself I ought to kill.myself. Will I do that? Heck no! But when something frustrates me or makes me sad or just randomly do I think I am a sorry excuse for a human? Heck yeah! Point is its hard. And I'm not always civil to myself. But... I think even Hitler deserves some basic things simply for being human. For example, in the us constitution, there is a line about cruel and unusual punishment. Even though hitler did horrible horrible terrible things, it would be unjust to, for example, cut him if he got a bad grade on a physics test. Yea, as far as humans go, he has done some of the worst things possible. But he is still a person. He commited genocide. Thats terrible. But that doesn't change his species. My point being... You have NOT vomited genocide. Tahts a fact. But even if you had, you would be a human. So... Sorry this is a little rambling... I'm saying, you and I probably are never going to love oursleves perfectly 100% of the time at least in this life. But... Can we try to be 1% more civil to ourselves, day by day, week by week?

@Daisy102 You told me that you cut yourself and want to cause yourself pain. That honestly makes me very very sad. I wont tell you that you didnt do anything wrong. But... Ita still not right, H. Youre as human as I am. Love yourself or not. If I did something disgusting or evil, would you.tell me to cut myself? I really do think.about and pray for you a lot. I want you to be happy. I know you think you deserve the scrap youre giving yourself, but you don't. I love you and I want you to be happy. Are You willing to try to increase your civility toward yourself? Not even love yourself yet, but treat yourself as you would treat a human? Would you go to jail, find a convict, and cause them psychological and physical pain? No. So why yourself? Would you be willing to just TRY to treat yourself least as kindly ad I know you would a criminal?

@overthinkingsucks1 I am! Hi!

I just fear that, with my mistakes, I'm not worthy of someone's love and care... It's so f-ckin' selfish but I'm so afraid of people finding me disgusting for some things I did and therefore hate me. With my former gf, I was so afraid that I did something wrong in the past that she could never forgive me for, so I'd tell her ever could remember so she didn't have a bad idea of me... So that she wasn't loving the "wrong" person. Today, I'm obsessed over the fact whether or not I kissed my pets on the lips! I know that it happened once with my dog (but I can't recall if it was on purpose or on accident) why am I telling you this? Because I don't want you to be friends with the wrong idea of myself

@myocdstory Okay. That makes sense. You want people to love you for you, and youre afraid they won't if they knew what you had "done" or thought. So... It causes you anxiety to think maybe they would run away if they knew. So... The compulsion is that you tell them. H- heres an idea. I want you to think of something embarassing that you have done... Nothing too serious I don't want you to like get upset about thus please... But then, dont tell me. Maybe I have a pet peeve you don't know about. But dont tell me. Lets see how that works. Are you up for that? Obviously I'm not a therapist, but I know that reassurance doenst help. When I was younger, I ran into a pic of porn on accident... I felt so bad every time I remmebered it and I went to my pastor over andover and over to confess... I always felt better but then it would happen again and I eould feel worse. You don't break the cycle until you can prevent the compulsion. Maybe I am disgusted that you would kiss a pet on the lips. Maybe I'm not. I'm not going to tell you if I am or not. That is going to bother you, but I am doing it anyway because I love you and want you to be happy. So... Maybe I'm disgusted...maybe not. If I was, what could you do?

@Daisy102 The reason why I tell people is to let them know that they could be loving someone that doesn't deserve their love according to their own "ethics" and "values'. I told you that I might had kissed my dog because there's the possibility you could find me disgusting and not wanting to speak with me. And I care about you enough to let you know that I'm not a good person... That I'm actually disgusting. Because you deserve a better friend than me. There's nothing I could do if you thought of me as disgusting. Id just accept it and think of that as reason for why you could leave me. (by the way, I do have some things I did as a kid that were stupid and disgusting and gosh... I want to tell you because I feel like I don't deserve your friendship because I am so gross)

@myocdstory Maybe you don't. Not telling me is honestly really good. Because youre running that risk. Would you be able to tentatively trust that I would be your friend, even if you were disgusting? What if I did aomething really gross and totally against your values? Would you hate me?

@Daisy102 Do you think a true friend would hate or leave someone because they were gross or did something bad? Aren't friends meant to help us be better? Not condemn us and run away at the first opportunity?

@Daisy102 I... I don't know... I don't have the best record in friends. I had friends who used me for money, others tht just straight up abandoned me... So idk if a true friend would leave me. If they did, I wouldn't blame them though.

@myocdstory Ok. Lets think about it a little differently. Would YOU hate or leave someone because theyre gross or made a mistake?

I'm not American so they can't offer me any help... It's so hard to deal with this everyday. I can't stop thinking about it... It's been hell

@myocdstory That sounds really really frustrating and upsetting. Have you tried starting some exposure hierarchies yet? It might not be with a therapist, but it's a start... especially at a time in which even a little relief is important. Please don't give up ❤

@desertfiddler775 Thank you for your support. I've been in therapy before but the therapists was really poor in dealing with my ocd. Both of them completely wanted to dismiss my false memories and move along when I specifically told them it was controling my life. Basically they told them "they are false. You would be sure if the happened" thats not good enough for me.

It didn't let me type any more, hehe... Anyways, I really hope that you will be able to find someone that can provide this for you. I think that the ERP that this platform offers is a good first step. Also, I just got the app, so when I was exploring it I found an SOS button in the tools section, so maybe that might help a little too :)

It's the same thing. I'm so afraid I've hurt that child and my pets.... I'm so sorry..

@myocdstory Hello lovely H! I love you and you have no idea how good it is to hear from you. What can you do right now to get better? It wont help to go over your thoughts. Deep deep deep deep down you know that. So, try something. Can you do something you enjoy? Just for like 10 minutes? Also- yes maybe you're a horrible person. Maybe I am too. But here we are. If you died, love, even if you felt it was fair, it would make me sad. Pelase please stick around. We need you immensely! You have no idea yet. We love you and need you. Whats one concrete thing you can do now? Can you set a timer and do an errand or something nice before going back to ruminating? You could plan in times to review thoughts, that may help it not be so all consuming💕💪💪 You are strong, and I love you, and I am so so happy youre back💛💛💛💛

@Daisy102 Thank you... Your message as always made me cry. The false memories are getting worse and I have no idea what to do. I try to not ruminate because honestly, there's nothing to ruminate about? I have no memory if anything happened - it's just fear I did certain things I don't remember about. I try to distract myself, in fact, I do distract myself with TV and video games but nothing works. My mind continues to focus on that fear and I can barely function. I'm either fixated on my pets or in that child. Deep down, I know I didn't do anything but at the same time, I feel like I forgot something important and I can't remember. I'm so afraid I hurt any of them. Specially the child, sexual abuse is so horrible and leaves marks. I don't want to have been a cause to that.

And point is, what did or didn't happen, did or didn't happen. You cant change the past... Even by dying. So... What can you do?

@Daisy102 You can: 1) kill yourself- please don't choose this option. As we have discussed, this will only make me and others very very very very very very very sad. It will not undo any effects of ficticious or real abuse. This would also make it so you can never help anyone. If you had done something terrible, i hope you would stay to change and move forward to help heal and build a better world... Instead of saying sorry and then leaving a bigger hole in our world by killing yourself. Please, please, please don't do this option. We need you so desperately and could not function as a world without you. You have a rile to play and I am not just saying that. I PROMISE you you have a reason to be here.

How are you so sweet to me? Thank you so much. My days have been ok, not perfect. I'm debating the ethics of some of my former sexual fantasies and it hasn't been easy. One thing I'm grateful for? Well, you. (hugs you) thank you for everything... I'm so sorry for not being here much. I'll try to come more. I'm always afraid I'll disappoint you...

@myocdstory Maybe you will disappoint me. Or, maybe not. If you did disappoint me, what's the worst that could happen? What's the least bad that could possibly happen? What is most likely? (That my dear is called decatastrophization😉)

@Daisy102 I see what you are saying... (and it's goal) it's hard. I fear to hurt people. I fear to influence people so much that I ultimately cause trauma like others caused to me. In my end, to disappoint you would cause the end of your messages (that I truly appreciate and cherish) but most importantly, in your end, I could cause you infinite possibilities, one is of course you'll hate me.. Or that I'll make you feel sad at something. I don't want that

@myocdstory Yeah. Thats valid! That would be very very sad! Lets imagine for sake of argument (sorry love just trying to help) that you didnt text me quickly, and that led me to hate you, I stopped texting you, and I lived the rest of my life very sad... So, then what? As sad as that would all be, the world would keep spinning. What could you do to cope with that? If I stopped texting you, by the way, how could you prove that that meant I hate you?

@Daisy102 Are there any other possible reasons I could stop texting you, or would I only do that if I hated you?

@Daisy102 I care about people. I care about the ones I love. Like, a lot. It becomes obsessive to the point where I'm constantly afraid of hurting them (which causes me to avoid them). For me, it's easier to have online friends because I can write things out and see if I'm not saying something stupid. I keep my distance from my real friends. I'm introverted as well, so social gatherings (even talking on the phone) are extremely draining. I spend the time worried about looking foolish or my ugly voice or saying something bad or looking or smelling bad. A few years ago, when I was more "sociable" and less worried about looking bad, It took a toll on me when people started talking to me and started ignoring me or something. I began thinking that I was some sort of freak, a weirdo or a monster! Or that I was so boring that they'd get tired of me. People get close to me because I'm nice and caring but... That's it. There's nothing interesting on me. Nothing. So they use me to vent, to cry, etc. But leave me afterwards. I think you know this but, 4 months ago, my gf broke up with me. She blamed a lot of things but one was my co dependency on the relationship to be happy, which I didn't know it was a bad thing because I always lived for others since I hated myself. (that's what they thought me) but instead of trying to fix it, she "got tired of me" and left me. This was right after our anniversary... (There were other reasons though. Please don't think poorly of her) it crushed me... I cry every day. At morning, at night and even when I shower or take a nap. It not everytime but almost. I can't stop thinking about her during the day but I can't cry then because I'm surrounded by my family. I know that she deserves better and I'm glad she left me to find someone better but the other part (the selfish one) still lingers on "what did you leave me? Was I that bad?" I don't cope well with loss as you can see. This event traumatized me greatly that I'm always asking my internet friends to not leave me... I cry texting them to please don't abandon me. I'm clingy... But not in a jealous way or controling way... I feel like I deserve this pain... And if you left me, it would cross my mind that you could hate me. And I'd obsess over that, even though I know there could be other possibilities.

@myocdstory You know that mames sense. I'm sorry you feel that way, but I understand obsessing over the worst possibility. Sometimes out brains don't believe the logical answers, huh? And yes, I knew about your gf. I'm sorry. That was really hard for you. Have you ever known anyone else who had a hard breakup? Did they ever feel really upset and hurt and down? Why should it be different for you? Why should you expect to not be hurt? Also... Have you considered the fact that you are valuable, as WELL as her? Also, she saw something in you in the beginning or she wouldnt have dated you. She had problems with your mental health. But- she didnt start dating you for your mental health! There is a reason she wanted to be with you int he first place. THAT hasn't changed. I'm sorry ig this makes you sad. I know it was really hard for you. If I had had a hard break up, I would feel pretty sad and mad and scared anf hurt. When my crush stopped texting me for like 3 days I freaked out and cried and had a hard time, even though we werent even dating. I can imagine that it would have been very very crushing for one of your best friends to not be there any more. I'm sorry. That is really really really hard. It makes sense to be patient with yourself. You need time to slowly mourn and let go of the relationship. Why shouldnt you feel emotions about something you care so much about?

@Daisy102 I never had many friends growing up and none of them were in relationships. I won't be able to bounce back from the break up. I can tell pretty accurately when something will depress me for years and this is it. This was a person I gave my heart and soul to. I'm so depressed that I have lost her. I'm devastated and just- dead inside. No. I don't deserved her. That's the only positive outcome out of this. That she could rid of me. Now she can find someone actually worthy of her. I'm stuck. I'm tearing up as I write this. I deserve this pain. I'm a gross, disgusting woman. I deserve this... But I can't handle this punishment. I wish I was dead. I would get some peace. If I had known I had ocd, I'd never had dated her. No one deserves me... I'm trash I'm so sorry for only replying to this message. It's so late and I can't fall asleep

I don’t think that’s a good idea since it can cause more anxiety

@sonia.i If she’s suicidal then she needs to get help

@idk0103 Oh sorry the way how it was explained into ur message made me confused