So I'm going through ERP. My partner and I have agreed a hierarchy. One of the items we are tackling is packages coming into the house. I wasnt letting my partner do it so this was the task. I agreed with my therapist that it is reasonable to ask my partner to dispose of the outer packaging and let the stuff thats inside sit in a clean area and that she would wash her hands afterwards and inwoukdnt challenge her or follow behind cleaning up. Or doing any safety behaviours. This is fine buy I just feel that she is so so thoughtless. I told her only yesterday that every morning I wake up I am anxious for about an hour until I come round. on top of that she knows that I am not sleeping, I get about 2 hours from 6am every day. While I was sleeping this morning a package came and instead of leaving it on the doorstep as we normally do she just brought it in and opened it etc. Now I know that essentially what she did was right but it didn't give me a chance to challenge the ocd in a controlled way. I woke up.already anxious and saw that a package had arrived and she just did what she liked. On top.of all that today is the 1 year anniversary of my dad's death. I'm just anxious full stop. She thinks she supports me well but she really has no consideration or understanding for me I feel. I said to her today that whilst essentially what she did was right I had told her that I wake up anxious every morning and it would of been better to wait to do the behavioural experiment when I was fully conscious and I wasn't in already such a heightened state. It took me about an hour to calm down and ti be honest I'm still not calm. I am angry and resentful and I just keep focusing on points where she could have touched with contaminated hands and focusing on all the negatives of her personality and our relationship. I feel alot of the time that I would rather live on my own during this pandemic and not have her triggering my ocd or have tohave the guilty feeling about making her feel like crap and trapped because of the restrictions ocd puts on her. While I was trying to calm down I was thinking about ways that I could just finish things and move out. I know that I would be alot more lonely without her but it would be less difficult to manage my ocd and it wouldn't change things really as I look after myself in the house anyway...i cook, I clean, I do the washing I support and care for myself as she dies nothing except order takeaways and ear crap. She would never eve think of cooking a dinner for us. I might aswell live on my own anyway as the conversation is scant and so is the affection. I know that ocd has affected my mood and I'm.deoressed and anxious all the time aswell as having had preliminary diagnosis of MS. But I feel wholey unsupported and uncared for by her and quite lonely actually. I know she may feel that way too but 8 do TRY ti make her feel.less that way. I cook her meals and try ti be affectionate but the she just doesn't listen. Never hears me. And doesn't even listen or stop to think about ocd and how to approach it with me, as in working the way up the hierarchy in the correct way. I just feel unsupported and there is no way that I can say that to her as she is sensitive at the moment and takes everything as a criticism. I said ti her that whilst what she did this morning was essentially correct it would of been better ti wait considering I told her on waking up im in a high state of anxiety already. She just made a face and ignored me. How can I work with that?? I'm so depressed at the minute and unhappy in every aspect of my life. I know she must feel that way too but I can only manage my own feeling and im not doing very well at that. Sorry to all who reads this for it being a very long post im just very down at the moment

Having a really bad day with my ocd. Just had a massive meltdown. I’ve had 3 sessions with an ocd therapist and I feel worse. This is very confusing to me. I’ve read online that it’s normal to feel worse at the start of therapy, but i don’t know. I’m asking for a lot of reassurance from people, way more than I have ever done. My doubts and thoughts seem to be getting worse. My mum said if the relationship is making you so unhappy why are you doing it? This was sooo triggering for me but maybe she’s right? She said if I didn’t have the relationship in my life, I wouldn’t be having meltdowns or have an ocd spike, so she thinks I should consider whether to be in the relationship or not! Omg it’s so awful to hear those words. But maybe she is kind of right? If somethings making you anxious or unhappy, you stop don’t you? So why haven’t I broken up with him? That would be the logical step. Im so worried to make myself even more ill so im very scared to carry on with the relationship, because right now, my mind is telling me its the cause of my unhappiness and i would be better without it. But is that my ocd speaking? How do I know?! My life without him would be so bleak, or is it my life without the idea of someone in it? I have so many questions, it’s overwhelming. What if I’m not listening to my gut? Maybe I’m not. That makes me feel sick if I’m ignoring myself again. This is torture. What can I do to stop all these doubts and feel better about things!!! I would love some advice 🙏🏻🙏🏻 (this is my ocd talking, but comments that agree with my ocd are very triggering like ‘yes if you feel like that that is a major red flag’. Just comments that maybe give some hope, thank you 🙏🏻)

hi. so one big factor of my OCD is rumination. i met a guy who i have a crush on the idea of (idea bc there are red flags). my biggest fear is not finding true love, my ex told me no one else would deal with what i have (my ocd, specifically reassurance seeking and getting overstimulated after intimacy). a few weeks ago, my friends and family all gathered and tried to give me advice that sounded like “you’re shy and you’ll never find someone.” after that, i’ve felt off. i’ve been using an unhealthy coping skill, daydreaming, and i’ve just felt unbalanced. my ocd makes everything feel different sometimes, i can’t explain it. life, myself, almost like being in a dissociated state. has anyone else experienced that? i don’t know how to remain balanced during my off times and i know pms exasperates it all. i take ashwaghanda and omega 3s in a multi vitamin daily. i take them all together in the evening but i’ve missed three days recently and also messed with my rocky sleep schedule because of fun times with friends. i hope these supplements work, because i don’t know if i’d be brave enough for medication. i had a bad reaction on prozac and often am forgetful. i just have been battling my OCD consciously for almost ten years now and unconsciously for longer. i am so tired, as my mental health extends beyond my OCD. i’m in talk therapy with some cbt aspects but i only see her twice a month. i’ve broken down so many times and promised myself id get on track or that certain things would work, but it’s like i am stuck in a circle that gets smaller when i’m able to help myself. i just want to be normal. i want to be able to mess up my sleep schedule to enjoy good times and not suffer horrible consequences or fear that i will be entirely thrown off balance. i don’t want to worry or doubt or feel so dissociative that i squint my eyes for a moment and wonder why i feel so unreal. i will never understand why god has allowed me to go through this. i cannot let it be for nothing but i don’t know how much more to bend and contort my body and brain to get somewhere stable but how lovely it would be if i could. i don’t have much of a schedule right now, i get apathetic and give in with things from time to time. one thing can trigger me and i am back to square one wether in a week or month. any advice, any and all is so helpful. your stories, your thoughts. maybe feeling less alone and knowing what has helped you is exactly what i need right now. thank you 💗

I can't stop thinking about ending my life. I feel like I'm not even living, I'm just surviving. Everyone is capable of being a person and functioning and I'm just stuck here avoiding everything. My psychiatrist said my ocd is severe and it will all take time and I'll start erp and I'm already on medication but I just feel so depressed and like I won't be able to handle erp and it's already too late for me. I feel inhuman, it's debilitating. My major theme is just fear or contamination, I can't even make myself a meal I can't touch anything in the kitchen. I get stuck in the shower for 2 hours and when I don't shower because I'm depressed I feel like a walking germ. My hands are a mess, my school work is shit, I avoid and avoid and I'm just so tired of "living" like this. My psychiatrist said they don't have any therapists available right now like.... excuse me? What do you mean u don't have any 😭 I honestly don't even know why I'm typing this becuase nothing helps, nothing ever will. I'm so deep into this I can't get out, my room looks like shit, I can't live in this body anymore, I really can't. I let everyone down, I am and will be such a dissapointment. I don't have any dreams or goals or passions I just wasn't made to be here. I don't know how or who to ask for help like there's nothing anyone can do, I'm already on meds. I can't keep being like this, seeing everyone judge me for acting insane.