- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
Hi Casie, I dont struggle with this personally, honestly I am terrible with forgetting to take photos when I've been on holiday or out somewhere new where I should probably be taking them for memories sake, cos my memory is terrible haha. I guess from my understanding though of your post, being a fear you'd maybe forget an important memory or moment you feel you need to get that perfect picture to preserve it. But I think maybe that strive for perfection is what keeps you in the loop? And I guess the only way I could think to break that if it was me, was to take 1, or 2, and be done with it, and if I doubted the photo or photos, just allow myself to doubt it, until my brain doesn't see it as an urgent thing to take so many anymore. I hope this is helpful for you, and apologies if I've misread what you're feeling here.
- Date posted
- 4y
I just seen your tag that said "Perfectionism OCD" šš wish I would take more time to read properly, but I hope you can take something from my reply anyway.
- Date posted
- 4y
@J āļø Thatās a good idea, I like the idea of limiting myself and accepting that doubt that it may not be perfect. Thanks :)
- Date posted
- 4y
I actually have something similar. I obsessively take screenshots because I donāt want to forget anything good/funny I read or that I like. And I take photos a lot so I donāt foget too. I actually like having lots of photos but not a ton of screenshots so I try to go back and delete unnecessary ones, but maybe I can practice breaking this habit by not screenshotting something immediately and waiting a bit.
- Date posted
- 4y
Waiting is a good idea! Iāll have to try that too. I watch a lot of art tiktoks and videos and I always screenshot when itās something I think is nice or a cool project idea. But I could just as easily go back to my liked ones (and then I worry if the app will get deleted, itās such a cycle!)
- Date posted
- 4y
Itās nice to know weāre not alone though :)
- Date posted
- 4y
Hi, Casie. Thank you for your openness in sharing your experience. Iām sorry you lost a loved one to dementia. That is such a heartbreak. Your experience resonates strongly with me and is something Iāve struggled with as a former professional photographer. Like you, cataloging my observations and getting what I saw through the viewfinder to precisely reflect the image I snapped was a preoccupation. I could have thousands of images from one shoot on my hard drive at any given time; and, even in post-processing (culling, editing and enhancing ) the raw images, I would spend hours trying to get the finished work ājust right,ā only to turn the final selection over to my client and obsess about the images after-the-fact. It was utterly exhausting. I stopped photographing paid clients in 2016 - before I was clinically diagnosed with anything that would explain my thoughts, feeling and behavior. I was finally evaluated and diagnosed with c-PTSD, OCD and Dissociative Identity Disorder. In my personal life, the memory deficits Iāve experience due to dissociation and epilepsy, as well as my momās sudden death of unknown causes at age 39, have made me all the more hypervigant and anxious to document whatās happening in photos. My phone and laptop can easily become cluttered with images, screenshots, just as you said. My internet bookmarks and Evernote notebooks are a whole other separate but related issue. I frequently feel silly, embarrassed, disgusted and ashamed when I am deleting these items Iāve expended so much of my attention and vital energy to collect. You are definitely not alone in this. I try to remember that I make perfect sense in the context of my experiences in this life. That my fear of not remembering, of forgetting, of not existing, and of leaving no legacy are all very human fears. Thereās nothing wrong or messed up about the desire to to leave myself breadcrumbs, or leave a mark that says, āI was here.ā That desire is beautiful and life-affirming, and it means I care deeply. *And.* Doing it this particular way hurts me. It saps me of my resources and steals my time, which is so precious. It feels grasping and frantic and awful. So, I continue trying to lean into the tools and skills Iāve learned, and to the personal agency Iāve developed to make a different choice. Hereās to this path of recovery, this falling back down the rabbit hole, and climbing our way up and out again... day by day. Thanks again for sharing and this opportunity to reciprocate. Wishing you peace and presence. I know how exhausting this compulsion can be.
- Date posted
- 4y
Wow, thank you for sharing this. Iāve felt very embarrassed to talk about this compulsion/explain it to others, but this truly is the way we work past our OCD. It means so much to me hearing your story as well, itās crazy how something so specific can be a shared struggle between two people (even down to the note taking, if I feel like I need to write down a thought or a feeling and I canāt I get very overwhelmed). I like what you said about time being precious. Maybe thatās a new way for me to look at it, try to tell myself to be more present, spend time in a moment without taking a photo and say āif I forget this, this is okay.ā Absorbing that moment instead of documenting it. I appreciate discussing this so much. š
- Date posted
- 4y
Absolutely. I understand the embarrassment. Iāve never shared about any of this before. Iām brand new here and have my first appointment with a NOCD therapist on Saturday. I wholeheartedly agree: that this is the way we move forward, continue to recover and grow. āSpend time in a moment.ā I love how you worded that. I had the impression of surrendering to the possibility of a moment, that is ripe and somehow infinite, even as its fleeting. We deserve to delight in our moments. Thanks, again.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 20w
Hi Everyone! I hope whoever is reading this is having a good day so far :) So for years now Iāve had very bad intrusive thoughts about things that I have done or embarrassing things that Iāve said or have happened and itās mortifying and debilitating on a daily basis. Specifically these thoughts are mainly things that have occurred from 2018-2020 and some are more simple just as a stupid joke I made or being way too loud on calls while my family was trying to sleep and others being way more complex such as past relationships and how Iāve hurt some of the people I care the most about and when I have acted on intrusive thoughts and these thoughts will appear with no triggers at all Iāll just wake up and already have something I did just nagging me. I donāt want to live like this anymore and Iāve tried working through it with self compassion but sometimes the things I said or did back then itās very hard to forgive myself for and Iāll reminisce on it for hours on hours, gaslight myself into believing thatās not how it happened and try to change the memory itself, or just suppress it entirely. I know those habits arenāt healthy and truly I want to get better but I donāt know how to overcome some of these thoughts. I have talked to my fiancĆ© about this a few times and even today we talked about it and he fully supports me and is helping me work through it. I might also contact my sister too, I donāt talk to her overly too much but ever since I was little sheās thought Iāve had ocd and was one of the people who made me consider that I might have it (Iām still undiagnosed but Iāll try to when I have the money and time) and I know she could maybe provide some insight. Another thing that is troublesome about the situation is my other family members specifically my mom arenāt the most helpful and can trigger thoughts. To put it in perspective on how her thought process is and some background info she is an ER nurse and has been for 30 years due to this she believes she knows mainly everything there is about mental health and she gets extremely upset when I donāt take her advice or set boundaries. Sheāll force me to talk to her about my problems and when I donāt want to sheāll pin me in a corner where Iām forced to and last summer I had a really bad episode and was really overstimulated and I just finished taking a shower and due to the water on me, my hair being wet (my hair is naturally curly and it takes forever to dry and itās very draining taking care of even with a keratin treatment) and all the intrusive thoughts I was having and she forced me to talk to her and I did open up for the first time about my thoughts and brought up how sometimes I have thoughts of hurting my animals and it makes me physically sick. Her response to this was threatening to call the cops on me saying it was a behavioral thing and I was doing it for attention. I have never hurt any of my animals but later that day my cat came into my room and a few minutes later she comes up just gives me the death stare and after a few seconds just asks me āare you going to go kill snickers?ā In the most condescending tone and sheās always like this daily where sheāll force advice onto me or get upset and yell and then reinforce thoughts Iām having. I just want to know first how to stop the thoughts from so frequently and how to heal in an environmental where it keeps reopening wounds despite trying to place boundaries? Iām sorry this is really long I usually do go really in detail about things and itās just how Iāve always been. If anyone has any questions feel free to ask and Iāll answer them to the best of my ability. I really appreciate the time you took to read this and thank you for your help! š„°
- Date posted
- 18w
I have a lot of compulsions that seem hoarding-esque but I canāt figure out which subtype of OCD they fall under. The two major drivers of this for me seem to be a fear that I will forget about them or the memories attached to them or that the things and their significance will be lost to time, and that I might need or want them in the future. I compulsively make lists of things (ex. things I like, things I donāt like, who I am, the contents of my ideal fridge - very plain with lots of fruit) just in case. I heart nearly every song I hear on Spotify (except the ones I actively strongly dislike, of which there are not many) just in case I will forget about them later on (and because I feel guilty about not hearting the song and supporting the artist if I have no valid reason not to but thatās a whole other can of worms). I have a couple containers of āgoodā boxes of all shapes and sizes that Iāve collected that, as it turns out, I never actually look at or use. When I was very little, before my family and I knew I had OCD, I had a āsticker bookā in which I would put every sticker I ever got - because I didnāt like the idea of putting them on anything that I might lose access to. I even found my motherās stamps and obsessively put one of each kind in my sticker book (there were soo many, it took me hours). I have trouble letting go of things, especially if I have any sort of memory attached to it whatsoever. Because, my mind says, what if I forget? My camera roll consists, in large part, of an enormous amount of screenshots of far too many little things that I encounter, and it is extremely rare that I actually look back at them. But the other data I was looking for something I thought I took a screenshot of and I couldnāt find it, so this compulsion is back and much worse. On my computer I canāt open the photos app without it crashing and the number of screenshots I have on there is shown in eight digits. I also have tens of thousands of tabs open in my browser at any given moment (I canāt close them, what if I forget?). I really wish I were exaggerating. I also take an excessive amount of photos of many things throughout my day (I counted once and I took 46 pictures of the same tree when I went on a walk). These are just some little examples of how this obsession manifests in me and my life. Does anyone else experience something similar? Iād love to hear about it.
- Date posted
- 17w
First off - Iām sorry, I post here a lot. My thoughts are going to be scattered because I have the adhd/ocd/executive dysfunction wombo combo. Im so embarrassed I am THIS neurodivergent. I swear my brain couldnāt pick one struggle and settle with it. Iām not making these diagnoses quirky personality traits by any means, in fact, in this post im venting about how exhausting and embarassed I am living with a brain like this on the daily. I need to hear someoneās advice please. I love hearing everyoneās advice on posts because itās so useful, and brings me back down to reality. Everyone on here gives advice so tastefully in a way where it doesnāt feed into the self reassurance compulsion, but itās also been thorough and constructive enough where itās reminded me to ground myself in a healthy way. I love seeing others helping others, it soothes me. This community has been so kind, and Iām so happy I found it. I wish I could ask more, but I have so many questions I think itād drive everyone here crazy lol. I am doing erp therapy now, and itās been teaching me so many amazing techniques. Iāve been making progress. However, I sometimes have my moments of vunerablity. Iāve been experiencing this especially now more than ever because I am going through a breakup. He did it through text after nearly 9 months together. Iād do anything for him and love him through anything, and he broke my heart when I least expected it. Iād make his bed for him multiple times, but I havenāt done that for myself in years. Iād sit with him for hours to watch and do anything he likes, but heād never do the same and Iād never do the same for me. Iām also at fault because I was too scared to speak up so I let a lot of disrespect slide. Why did my ocd do that? Why does ocd make me people please even when I donāt want to? Why does OCD make me care so much about things that will never effect me (like wanting validation from a random person on the street and hoping theyāll think Iām pretty enough to look at), but then when it comes to my future or positive wellbeing (like focusing on college/doing well in classes/personal hygiene/health), forces me to not care/neglect myself and those needs? I donāt understand it. Ocd makes me think everythingās a setup or a trap. I can never believe that I am fine right where I want to be. Why am I so hard on myself? Why do I even think this much? I care and feel so deeply but it becomes unhealthy so fast because ocd makes me fixate and I stay there for a while. For some reason I let this breakup define my self worth. I let it topple into the ocd fear that I will never make it in life - that I wonāt be successful, Iāll never get the career I want, the love I want, or the life I want. My OCDās version of ālogicā isnāt even logical. Yes, I understand how the breakup means feelings of low self worth which will then topple into feeling bad about other things. But why has my brain been wired to think this way? Why does it seem so easy for everyone else to function normally with life but not me? Honestly this is the first time in my life where Iām dedicated to focusing on myself and learning more about myself instead of others in my life and itās a very odd and bizarre feeling. Iām excited of course, but Iām also scared. My ocd makes me ruminate like āwhat if I will never make the most of this life Iāve been givenā, āwhat if I truly have no worth and the most I will ever be in other peopleās lives is a background characterā, āwhy do I care if Iām a background character or not? I should feel guilty and ignorant for assuming everyone will automatically like meā, āare people lying to me when they call me pretty, smart or kind?ā, āI need to look and sound perfect in both pictures, videos and in real life. I will never be satisfied for accepting who I am nowā, and a bunch of other annoying questions. But sometimes itās like I just canāt take the reality for what it is but at the same time, but I also acknowledge that I know this is ocd talking. This is so, so difficult. Do I make any sense with what Iām saying? Can anyone help?
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