- Date posted
- 4y
- Date posted
- 4y
Hi Casie, I dont struggle with this personally, honestly I am terrible with forgetting to take photos when I've been on holiday or out somewhere new where I should probably be taking them for memories sake, cos my memory is terrible haha. I guess from my understanding though of your post, being a fear you'd maybe forget an important memory or moment you feel you need to get that perfect picture to preserve it. But I think maybe that strive for perfection is what keeps you in the loop? And I guess the only way I could think to break that if it was me, was to take 1, or 2, and be done with it, and if I doubted the photo or photos, just allow myself to doubt it, until my brain doesn't see it as an urgent thing to take so many anymore. I hope this is helpful for you, and apologies if I've misread what you're feeling here.
- Date posted
- 4y
I just seen your tag that said "Perfectionism OCD" šš wish I would take more time to read properly, but I hope you can take something from my reply anyway.
- Date posted
- 4y
@J āļø Thatās a good idea, I like the idea of limiting myself and accepting that doubt that it may not be perfect. Thanks :)
- Date posted
- 4y
I actually have something similar. I obsessively take screenshots because I donāt want to forget anything good/funny I read or that I like. And I take photos a lot so I donāt foget too. I actually like having lots of photos but not a ton of screenshots so I try to go back and delete unnecessary ones, but maybe I can practice breaking this habit by not screenshotting something immediately and waiting a bit.
- Date posted
- 4y
Waiting is a good idea! Iāll have to try that too. I watch a lot of art tiktoks and videos and I always screenshot when itās something I think is nice or a cool project idea. But I could just as easily go back to my liked ones (and then I worry if the app will get deleted, itās such a cycle!)
- Date posted
- 4y
Itās nice to know weāre not alone though :)
- Date posted
- 4y
Hi, Casie. Thank you for your openness in sharing your experience. Iām sorry you lost a loved one to dementia. That is such a heartbreak. Your experience resonates strongly with me and is something Iāve struggled with as a former professional photographer. Like you, cataloging my observations and getting what I saw through the viewfinder to precisely reflect the image I snapped was a preoccupation. I could have thousands of images from one shoot on my hard drive at any given time; and, even in post-processing (culling, editing and enhancing ) the raw images, I would spend hours trying to get the finished work ājust right,ā only to turn the final selection over to my client and obsess about the images after-the-fact. It was utterly exhausting. I stopped photographing paid clients in 2016 - before I was clinically diagnosed with anything that would explain my thoughts, feeling and behavior. I was finally evaluated and diagnosed with c-PTSD, OCD and Dissociative Identity Disorder. In my personal life, the memory deficits Iāve experience due to dissociation and epilepsy, as well as my momās sudden death of unknown causes at age 39, have made me all the more hypervigant and anxious to document whatās happening in photos. My phone and laptop can easily become cluttered with images, screenshots, just as you said. My internet bookmarks and Evernote notebooks are a whole other separate but related issue. I frequently feel silly, embarrassed, disgusted and ashamed when I am deleting these items Iāve expended so much of my attention and vital energy to collect. You are definitely not alone in this. I try to remember that I make perfect sense in the context of my experiences in this life. That my fear of not remembering, of forgetting, of not existing, and of leaving no legacy are all very human fears. Thereās nothing wrong or messed up about the desire to to leave myself breadcrumbs, or leave a mark that says, āI was here.ā That desire is beautiful and life-affirming, and it means I care deeply. *And.* Doing it this particular way hurts me. It saps me of my resources and steals my time, which is so precious. It feels grasping and frantic and awful. So, I continue trying to lean into the tools and skills Iāve learned, and to the personal agency Iāve developed to make a different choice. Hereās to this path of recovery, this falling back down the rabbit hole, and climbing our way up and out again... day by day. Thanks again for sharing and this opportunity to reciprocate. Wishing you peace and presence. I know how exhausting this compulsion can be.
- Date posted
- 4y
Wow, thank you for sharing this. Iāve felt very embarrassed to talk about this compulsion/explain it to others, but this truly is the way we work past our OCD. It means so much to me hearing your story as well, itās crazy how something so specific can be a shared struggle between two people (even down to the note taking, if I feel like I need to write down a thought or a feeling and I canāt I get very overwhelmed). I like what you said about time being precious. Maybe thatās a new way for me to look at it, try to tell myself to be more present, spend time in a moment without taking a photo and say āif I forget this, this is okay.ā Absorbing that moment instead of documenting it. I appreciate discussing this so much. š
- Date posted
- 4y
Absolutely. I understand the embarrassment. Iāve never shared about any of this before. Iām brand new here and have my first appointment with a NOCD therapist on Saturday. I wholeheartedly agree: that this is the way we move forward, continue to recover and grow. āSpend time in a moment.ā I love how you worded that. I had the impression of surrendering to the possibility of a moment, that is ripe and somehow infinite, even as its fleeting. We deserve to delight in our moments. Thanks, again.
Related posts
- Date posted
- 21w
I would really appreciate it so much if someone took the time to read this and help me. I donāt know what to do anymore. I havenāt posted here in awhile. I had my OCD managed pretty decently for a year or so on medication, but I had to stop taking it, and after around 3-4 months, the OCD has become unbearable again. It used to be much more surrounding existential themes, eating, and others, not really real event/false memory stuff. But now itās gotten really out of hand and I donāt know how to do it anymore. Itās surrounding a time of my life a long time ago. It was a dark time. I wasnāt myself and I was going through a lot of things, and I did a lot of things I regret. I self-destructed, embarrassed myself, and wasnāt good to the people around me. I was able to get my mind off of it for a long time, even though I would still think about it a good amount. I was able to be in the present, at least moreso than now. But now that Iām off medication, the guilt has become my obsession again. I canāt move on. I canāt do anything without thinking about all of these memories. Iām obsessed. Iāve started hating myself again, so much so that itās hard to do anything anymore or believe I deserve anything good. The people around me tell me it wasnāt even that bad, but to me it was. To me, I failed myself, lost myself, and failed everyone around me. I canāt stop thinking about every person I said something wrong to or every time I screwed up. Iāve now started to convince myself I did terrible things I canāt remember, and that my mind just canāt deal with it. And thatās why I feel so guilty. Thereās nothing to really support this though. But Iām starting to really convince myself thatās true. Iām trying not to listen to it, because Iāve convinced myself I have hit people with my car before and havenāt remembered when I absolutely didnāt and I know I never have. I drive back over and over to check thereās no one, even though I never heard any bang or felt myself anything. I can convince myself of some crazy false memories. So I know that I shouldnāt listen. But itās hard not to when I have this guilt gnawing at me constantly. I come to conclusions that this guilt must be because I did something terrible that I donāt remember, even though I already think the things I remember were bad enough. But I would know by now right? If I did something bad I donāt remember? I donāt feel like this all the time. But itās a lot of the time. But maybe that should be reassuring, that I only start obsessing like this when I think to. The past haunts me though. And I can never be in the present. Iāve started to resort to some unhealthy behaviors to distract myself or help me work towards something. I am starting to hate myself so much and feel like thereās no way Iāll ever be able to get out of this loop. I feel like I just canāt do this anymore. Maybe I need to go back on medication. But I donāt know. I donāt really want to. But will I ever fix this without it? Why do I feel SO guilty, all of the time? I do all these things for people because I feel indebted to them, because I feel undeserving of everything. I feel awful about myself. I donāt know what to do. Does anyone else deal with this?
- Date posted
- 21w
Hello, Iām new to this app. Iāve always had an anxious brain, and Iāve had coping mechanisms for as long as I can remember. When I was a kid, from as early as I could spell, until I was probably early teens, I would constantly write words in my head along to the beat of music. Itās such a vivid memory because I never stopped doing it. The word had to perfectly match up to the lyric and I loved that it kept my brain busy. I grew out of that, but felt like good context. My anxiety increased drastically around ages 17-19, and I began therapy. I was diagnosed with generalized anxiety and panic disorder, due to having a panic attack nearly every day at that time. I overcame that as well, and now the panic attacks are every now and then, but the anxiety is constant, and some recent symptoms have led me to believe I might have some form of OCD. Maybe not. Iām trying to understand myself and get better so I joined this app to make sense of things. Lately Iāve been having really intense intrusive thoughts. Iām really embarassed and they make me feel like a bad person. Thoughts pop in my head seemingly out of nowhere. It will be an image of me harming myself or someone else in a really bad way. (Trigger warning) for example the other day I couldnāt shake the image of me putting a knife through my own forehead, although itās not something I want to do. Or Iāll imagine someone killing me. I imagine my loved ones dying often. The thoughts feel so out of my control itās insane. I hate them. Another persistent issue that isnāt as new is replaying social scenarios. Iām a hairstylist so this one is difficult since I meet a bunch of new people every day. I obsess over how I act and if people like me. I will impulsively say things all the time and they will haunt me for weeks. I question even my closest friends and family who show their love. I find myself so angry and numb and like I have so much built up emotion and a busy mind always. While doing my job I spiral really badly if any little thing goes wrong and itās embarassing. I know thereās more but I canāt think of it now. I just want to feel better and like Iām not constantly battling my mind.
- Date posted
- 15w
Iām new to NOCD and just wanted to share my experience to see if anyone else can relate or has any thoughts or advice. My thing is needing a system or some kind of digitally saved reference (online article/notes app) to make decisions on how to live my life and spend my time- then I get super caught up in what is the objectively ārightā system to have which never really leads anywhere- over the last 6+ years Iāve probably changed this system over 100 times because at some point I realized it wasnāt ārightā. At best, I stick with a system for months and be pretty free from OCD but at worst I can go months where I only experience intermittent periods of living free from OCD and spend hours and hours putting my life on hold trying to figure out what the right system is or to answer and figure out impossible answers to completely subjective things. I get a lot of regret over all the time and life Iāve wasted in this cycle, and feel kinda like everything Iāve done in previous systems was āwrongā so I try to fix that by undoing some of those actions. I think part of the root of this is wanting to control so many parts of my life and the fact that there are other parts of life I could be experiencing, ways I could be improving, and that there is so much out there that I could never ever do or experience all of it leads me to try to figure out some system that gives me a better feeling of control over this. If anyone reads all this thatās awesome- lmk if this resonates with you at all
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