A Product of Ten Minutes of Thinking: I want to live in a world where... I can pet my dog without checking for tiny black hairs on my fingertips afterwards I can walk around my house without forcing myself to wear shoes so I can shield my feet from the dirty carpet that other people have walked on I can go to a restaurant without worrying that a rouge hair has drifted into my water glass that may not have been washed well enough I can enjoy eating food without thinking about how greasy, messy, crumbly, it is as I lick my lips to make sure no remnants remain I can cry on the hard days without crying about the fact that I’m crying, since tears are a bodily fluid and bodily fluids are gross, no matter how natural I can be in a too-small room with a person who has just sneezed without holding my breath to avoid the possibly bad germs until my face turns purple I can go to an amusement park or a mall or a public bathroom without cringing when I have to touch a door that so many other people have touched I can look out my bedroom window at the night sky without being irrationally scared that the darkness will swallow me whole if I look for too long I can live, feel, walk, risk, enjoy, cry, heal, explore, imagine, without hurting ever again You could say that I’m lucky, because I used to be too afraid to ever pet my dog, walk into dirty rooms in my house, go to a restaurant, eat messy foods, cry, take a deep breath, explore crowded places, or look out of my window at night. But don’t you see? I’ve only learned to exist. Not to live.

This is, for one thing, very beautifully written - your writing is really moving. I hope I don’t intrude by adding onto it. A few years ago, I had awful stomachaches at any hint of anxiety. It was enough to stop me from leaving my house. I was terrified to go anywhere, do anything, all because I would get such awful cramps and nerves. I used to think to myself, “if only I could get rid of these stomachaches, I wouldn’t have any problems.” But that’s not true. Everywhere we go - everywhere I go - new problems arise. I encounter new compulsions. New situations. New ways of thinking. “No more stomachaches” turned into “no more panic attacks” turned into “no more OCD.” There’s always something new to conquer, something new to face. I say “keep fighting” on here a lot. It’s the best advice I have. It’s what kept me going through the hard times - imagining me, in a battle, my opponent, OCD. Keep fighting, and eventually I’ll come out on top. And I think it’s what you should do, too. I want you to be able to pet your dog without worrying. To be able to visit public places without worrying about germs. To stop worrying that you aren’t living your life to the fullest. I used to worry about that too, and I still do - all of the little things that are preventing me from making life meaningful. Some things don’t ever stop. I still get scared, worried, frustrated. I’m still worried I’m not trying hard enough, not doing enough for myself, for others. But I promise you this - things get better. You’re brave enough to make things get better. As you said, you’ve already made progress. You don’t have to call yourself lucky, because it’s not luck. It’s work. Eventually, my stomachaches stopped. I get them rarely, if at all, anymore. I can leave the house as I please. I haven’t had a panic attack in months. Some days are better, some days are worse. So set these goals, check it off your list. I believe that you can make it. You’re living, because you can pet your dog. And even if you have to check your hands after you do it, your dog doesn’t care. Your dog loves you anyway. That’s not existing. That’s living.

Great post. I relate to almost everthing you discuss. The food. I sit there with piles of napkins at every meal. Then shower after a meal if I'm going to my bed. Public bathrooms just avoid. Never walk around with bare feet but demand others take off their shoes or even slippers. I got to the point where I actively avoided my dog because of a hangup with fleas. He died (this was a long time ago) then I realized how stupid and irrational I had been and of course regretted my submitting to the OCD at the expense of him. Dog>OCD

I’m so sorry that you relate to it UFGator. Thank you for sharing this with me. I’m sorry about your dog and the regret that came with his passing. Connection>fear ❤️

Elapanthis I’m so glad I could share! It’s really heartwarming to know that there are other people struggling and working through this❤️

Thank you so much sassy_classy_lassie for sharing your story and for the excellent advice ? your words touched my heart and made me smile and nearly cry happy tears, ones I hopefully won’t be afraid of one day. Responses like yours remind me that I can live again.