Question for you guys, Those of you who suffer from HOCD or POCD and have vivid memories that contradict who you feel you are, how do you manage those memories? I had an OCD/anxiety attack that clinged on to the memories around me being curious after being bullied in school. My OCD keeps telling me that I enjoyed those experiences more than I should have. Even though it ended in tears and me knowing that that's not who I am, my OCD keeps telling me that it's an indication of my being gay or bi. I realize that some of those memories may be fake, but in the scope of acceptance of uncertainty let's assume that everything is right. My therapist tried to calm me down by saying that this is really normal and expected in young children and that it has nothing to do with who we are, especially since I was interested in girls and always fantasized about chased after them from a very young age.

I think many of us relate to this. No matter the ‘theme’ OCD tends to pick on one or a few different ‘missteps’ — typically from childhood or adolescence — and preys on them as proof or evidence towards proving a fear/theme to be true/valid/something worth worrying about. One of OCD’s finest tricks. ? There is no action plan here, as to come up with a way to combat these thoughts and fears is just another way of validating them and giving them credence. Perhaps instead you can try something like: I have a vague memory of XYZ happening when I was young. It may or may not mean that XYZ is true about me. If I ever find out that XYZ is true, I will deal with that then, but for now I’ll continue on with what matters to me now.’ Bring yourself back to the present moment and let yourself off the hook from trying to figure anything out. Remember that the compulsion here is likely mental rumination. The goal is no compulsions, so find a way to catch yourself ruminating, collect yourself and bring yourself back to the present and move on with your day. The less you engage with these thoughts, the more you send the signal to your mind that they’re not worth thinking about. ?

ocd wants to trick you. your brain knows exactly what you fear and what little things feed into it. this is why it’s so convincing, because it is totally based on your thoughts and anxieties. but that’s also why we can’t trust it haha. that memory sticks out to you because you think it reinforces what you are afraid of, not because it is true.

Thank you for your response! That's what I try to do. I tell myself "Whatever! It could have happened, but That's not me anymore" but perhaps this is the wrong approach. I'll try doing what you suggested. I do ruminate a lot and I want to stop it. It's hard when you get consumed in your own thoughts and can't escape.

Actually, I think what you say is pretty spot on! It’s kind of just like a ‘so what! whatever!’ which is the right idea! As long as it’s not followed up by dissecting the thoughts and more rumination. I think the idea is to just to let the thought be, and move on with your day. And trust me, I SO so get what you’re going through. And I know first hand that it’s easier said than done. But that’s OK - these are skills we can work on on an ongoing basis - practice makes perfect!

You mean, you were thinking of experiences with girls as a way to ‘neutralize’ or ‘prove silly’ the fears surrounding the other experiences? If so - yes, I believe that would be a compulsion - as to do that would enforce that you have any reason to be concerned about the other experiences, when they are likely just blown out of proportion by OCD. (Sorry if I’m getting the confused! lol)

The bottom line is that there isn’t a single living person on this planet who can say they’ve lived without doing anything they regret/feel ashamed of/confused about/or wish they could take back. That’s just not reality, as we are constantly living and growing, by way of our experiences, and also our ‘mistakes’. OCD sufferers dwell on these things and pick them apart - therein lies the illness. We have to do our best to brush these things off and carry on without thought or investigation, just like people without OCD do. It’s extremely hard when we all seem to be naturally wired this way. ? But other people get through it and so can we! ?

@atkyff thanks! I'm trying really hard to get better and not give these thoughts any meaning, but it feels like OCD has a brain of it's own and it changes constantly so that it keeps scaring you. I really hope we all feel better in the near future. @thistle That makes a lot of sense. And that's why we can't stop it! Unfortunately... ? I try to not think of this stuff, but something is extremely hard. For example, I was told that even thinking of the experiences I had with girls was a compulsion which would eventually make the OCD worse. But then again you crave that feeling of being ok and sure of yourself. Lord help us.

Yeah, I'd be thinking of these positive experiences I had with girls when I'd start to feel like OCD was creeping it's way into my thoughts again. This was either an attempt to make myself feel better or simply take my mind off of this crap and remind myself that I am who I know I am. But it's nice to think of the good moments, like the first time I did something with a girl. We kissed and touched. Nothing more. I remember the rush and satisfaction I felt and the need to repeat it. Or I'll remind myself of the first time I fell in love. These positive memories makes me smile bc *that* Is who I am and I know it I'm 100% sure these thoughts are blown out of proportion, bc I "remember" things that are just flat out weird to have ever happened. After all, I'll be taking about things with my family and they tell me when certain things happened and I can't even remember what they are talking about. Similarly, I'll mention something that I think happened and then everyone will tell me that that never happened. I never took anything to the physical level, thank God! I was only curious about the idea and that only bc I was bullied and received rape threats from other boys in my school. I know, brutal... I've heard other's stories on here and mine doesn't seem bad compared to theirs.

I’m so sorry to hear you were bullied. ? Stuff like that, especially when we’re young and ill equipped to deal with strong/tough emotions, can be super overwhelming, and it’s no wonder your mind generated some strange and unnerving thoughts at the time. But thoughts are thoughts, and nothing more. The main thing is to realize that rumination is a futile effort to resolve stuff that needn’t be resolved in the first place. ?

Unfortunately yes, and sadly I'm not the only kid who has gone or who will go through this. It's really traumatizing. I remember Id come back home crying a lot of the time. My siblings said the same thing. That basically this wasn't me and the curiosity was forced by my then situation. It all ended in tears bc that's not who I felt I was and was directly against what I knew I wanted. This theme has plagued me for way too long and it always finds reasons to make me doubt. I suppose I should just accept all the fearful and intrusive thoughts and follow the directions I want in life.