I hate how my mind is making me doubt of my intentions when i clearly know that I don’t have any desires to act on my thoughts. It makes my intentions feel so uncertain, and sometimes it would even make me feel like if I wanted to act on my thoughts when I actually don’t, because I wouldn’t be doubting if I did. So since I feel my intentions so uncertain I need to come to an answer, and sometimes it is so damn hard to get that answer, which makes me anxious and disturbed. It would also make me think of my past like, how were you okay without having these thoughts? Or makes me think of my future like, will you be okay without these thoughts? So it would make me think that these thoughts are really desires and I won’t be okay unless I act on them. As horrible as it sounds. And I don’t know if someone gets this too but, it would also make me doubt my feelings. When my family tells me cute things like “I love you” and stuff, I would feel so bad, because my thoughts are towards them. So I would say “ily too” but I feel like an hypocrite saying it, or like I don’t mean it at all, so it makes me doubt if I really love them or not. This is all so overwhelming, and I have gone through so many disturbing and crazy thoughts, feelings and situations, that I don’t know if this might be OCD.

Harm OCD

c.cat

Date posted: 4y

You just described me exact situation right now. Last night I wasn’t as anxious over my thoughts because I’ve been doing erp and I’ve been working toward accepting uncertainty, and I had the horrible thought, “what if you would like doing that” and it sent me on such a bad spiral. I never had a desire to hurt someone, I always wanted to help them. But now harm ocd is making me doubt everythinggg. No that you are not alone. Oh and the book, “overcoming harm ocd,” has so far allowed me to understand a lot about this theme !

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

I’m so sorry, but I’m kinda relieved I’m not alone in this. And yes I feel you, I’ve had that thought too, just as “what if you like doing that and you don’t wanna accept it?” They are all so horrible and disturbing, but I know that if your thoughts start with “what if” u can already tell OCD has entered the chat lol. And same:( I was such a sweet person before all this who would never think of harm before, but now I doubt that, since I feel like a m**derer in waiting. But thank you so much for the book recommendation, I’ll try to see if it’s online :) wish you the best battling this horrible disorder !

c.cat

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous I wish the best to you too! And I know what you mean, I was relieved to when knowing I wasn’t alone either. If you ever need support or anything just come back to this post and tag me and I’ll be there!

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@c.cat Same it makes me relieved. Thank you so much, the same thing for you!!

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

Same, it’s so incredibly upsetting and illogical!!🙄🙄🙄🙄

ellie

Date posted: 4y

I relate to all of this so much. I hope that helps a little bit

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

Makes me relieved, but I’m sorry I know how horrible it is. If you ever wanna talk I’m here for you :)

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

Hi, I’m not a doctor, but I definitely think this sounds exactly like OCD and it is almost identical to how I feel and I know exactly what you mean when they say I love you and then you feel like a hypocrite. it’s a very distressing disorder and it is very clever and complicated and feels very heavy and dense when it happens it is as if the thought is so heavy you can’t remove it and it just wants to sink you like a weight. Or pull you into it’s current. The ocd thoughts have tremendous momentum and they are literally Bait Waiting for us to react. I am working so hard on this and finding that the only solution is to not react to the thought, or the bait before you, like when you think you’re a hypocrite or you instantly want to come back with a feeling that denies the love for you, try to avoid letting that happen and If it’s instant then do nothing else, just let it pass don’t get into it with your mind. That’s the ocd trap. it’s all useless matter and I have been there 1 million times and it sounds exactly like what I go through meaning you are not alone and that you just need to let the thoughts pass, which are and can make us very uncomfortable And sad. I know! but try to go through this discomfort without reacting or thinking further. Sometimes I get short of breath and my heart will race like crazy! But I Continue activities or read or find something to put my attention on. I’m also working on exposures and this is so hard but they say this helps. I am hoping!! I will have also have repeating images of memories of horrible things I had once thought about and I will try to figure it out then spiral and fear I could do it. So now I try to stop the spiral before it starts. I try my best not to flip out when they happen and keep saying I have OCD. I try not to give myself any reassurance Other than ocd. I even have the reminder on my door! And to accept. If you read about acceptance and ocd it’s a big part. Hope that helps! Remember you’re not alone, and helpful to know we aren’t either.🌷

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

Hi, thank you for your helpful words. It makes me relieved to know you can relate, and I’m glad you’re doing better with this overwhelming disorder. Yes you’re so very right, dealing with discomfort is the best thing to do against OCD. Unluckily I’ve tried it so many times and I keep falling into this loop, but I guess I’ll keep trying. What terrifies me is, that what if by not ruminating I find out that I actually like these thoughts, and have liked them all along and so I will act on them. Yeah it’s a really hard thing to do, but the best thing to beat OCD. And I feel you when you say it feels like a heavy thought you can’t take off of your head, it does feel like it, it sucks. But thank you for your advice, I will try my best. Thank you, we’re all together in this <3

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

Hi, thanks for listening and sharing it equally helps me. 🙏🏻What I’m watching out for is exactly the ‘what terrifies me part you mentioned…I too go down this spiral as well, and then there it is! The panic and dread and It’s always the same…I end up feeling sick in the hole and my life is over. It’s so crazy! remember questioning it is a compulsion which I didn’t realize! My therapist informed me of this. The more you question the worse the spiral gets, so let the ugly thought be there without starting the questions. I get the same feeling of confusion about liking or not liking the thoughts then I get so miserable ! So we have to not even let it be an option. Stay neural and let that discomfort sit there with no compulsions or questions. Clare Weeks, who was a great therapist once said and they use this with OCD when you feel the spiral coming or urge whatever it is..,(OCD makes us feel bad in a multitude of ways)…she said ‘don’t just do something!! Sit there, and let time pass.’ In other words sit through the discomfort without ruminating or doing a compulsion. It’s a crazy challenge, but let’s try it!! You’re not alone🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🙏🏻🌷

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous Thank you for sharing all this, it makes me feel better to know I’m not alone. It’s a hard task but we can do it! Wish you all the best and thank you so much once again, we got this!!

Anonymous

Date posted: 4y

@Anonymous Yes! We got this!! And we got this!🙏🏻💕

moon0270

Date posted: 22w

Makes me feel like a horrible person

That's what OCD feels like. Especially the constant questioning and doubt and the more you do it, the more you doubt yourself and it ends up leaving you open for other 'attacks'. I left the house today with my mom to run errands and things were fine, like my intrusive thoughts weren't bothering me that much in the beginning though they're constant in the background. Then when we stopped to get a drink from this store before leaving, I got more anxious because there were lots of kids around (it's afternoon here and i guess school was coming out). Kids were walking around in school uniform and I just told myself to keep looking away because i knew that my intrusive thoughts were going to flare up. Obviously that just made it worse and I just wanted to run away and crawl into a hole or something. Then a few minutes passed and then my brain said what if you were leering at the kids or looking at them inappropriately. And then my brain kept telling me that I wanted to or must have filmed one of them even though it's not something I want to do and know deep down that I didn't do it and don't want to. Ever. I just felt so disgusted with myself, I had to stop myself from crying on the way home. I hate this disease and I hate that its made its home in my head.

BigGyro09

Date posted: 21w

Doubts 21+

My biggest issue with things in my life are not feeling confident in things I want to do and feeling doubtful combined with anxiety. It makes me not want to do a whole lot of things outside of my comfort zone because I either feel I'm not ready for them or I don't deserve them. In the back of my mind, my brain tells me that I've done something in relation to POCD because of porn when I was a teenager and a time I tried to help a minor with OCD. Or that I've committed sexual harassment because of a time I tried to zip up a bag but didn't tuck my arm and it touched someone's behind when really I just didn't want to keep listening to my OCD about how much of a bad person I would be or bad things would happen if I didn't tuck my arm. I thought I would just very slightly brush up contact and it wouldn't matter that much but it just ended up happening in the worst way. I remember how extremely depressed this made me and I just feel like I don't deserve to go on because of these kind of thoughts, memories, and worries. These worries are what keeps me down from really living my life. Another part of this is I feel I need to just have my needs met before I can really carry on in life I also know that I can't keep waiting for things to feel right when I need to do them. Is this a sign of Just Right OCD? Needing my feelings to feel just right in order for me to do someone I really want to? I act on my feelings more than I do my rational and it definitely shows in my anxiety. This stuff holds my back on my dream goals, trying to get experience with relationships, going to school, and just overall being happier and caring a lot less about anxiety. I don't know how to get rid of them. I just try to let them pass. Sometimes that works, sometimes that doesn't. Being up at night is a trigger for this for sure.

Anonymous

Date posted: 17w

My brain hates me (18+)

It’s like my brain is doing everything in its power to convince myself and also justify an attraction to teenagers. I hate myself. I don’t want to be this person, but what if I don’t have a choice. How do I get these thoughts out of my head permanently. I feel like my life will never be the same if they don’t leave forever. I can’t tell what is a real desire and what OCD is trying to convince me is a real desire. I can’t do this every day for the rest of my life. I don’t want to hurt anyone, or I don’t think I do but how do I even tell anymore. This might not even be OCD at this point, I can’t separate my thoughts from OCD thoughts I think because I’ve had OCD for so long so it all just feels like me. Maybe it is me. TMI but I haven’t pleasured myself in like a week because my libido is so low now, I don’t want to do it with these thoughts.

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