I screwed up so bad. I’m so behind on these papers I need to do for my college finals. My parents hate me, I hear the disgust and resentment in their voices. They know what a bad person I am. At my age they were actually responsible and self-reliant, they worked hard and functioned on their own as adults. I’m such a child still. I’m such a lazy, selfish, terrible person. And honestly my three siblings are just like me. My parents really really don’t deserve us. I will not be able to take care of my parents when they are old. Why did I let this happen? I messed it up so badly. I hate myself and I am a terrible person. I am not suicidal at all, and have been very firmly not suicidal for years; but I am only not suicidal because it would devastate and destroy the lives and happiness forever of my parents, my three siblings, and probably my extended family also. Even though they probably hate and resent me. Because even then, they would still be disgusted and horrified at what a monstrous selfish person I would be to kill myself, and they would always be scared and hateful that one day someone else they know might also turn out to be a really horrible person. I wish there was some way out of this, some way to escape this horrible feeling and dread. But there isn’t. It feels so bad, I hate the feelings of disappointing people so much. I hate it so much. It’s a torturous feeling that makes life really painful. Although the feeling isn’t nearly as horribly intense as when I was in high school and felt it really really badly all the time. So I guess I’ll get through this current bad situation. But I really did a terrible job, and it’s all my fault. I’m such a terrible person. And they will all hate me, forever. And they should. Every interaction with my parents for the rest of my life will be colored by their disgust of me. That muted and cold voice, and talking like they want nothing to do with me. Once I screw up these college finals I will have made them feel bad. They will feel sad and miserable because they will be so disappointed in their kid(s).

I genuinely feel like the worlds most horrible person deeply for my past actions in childhood and general mistakes I’ve made. I feel like I shouldn’t be here or there’s no hope for me despite doing right ( trying to do right ) I’ve wanted to open up to my mom about things from my past but when I was talking to her about a situation that happened just to share, she was like “Thank God you’ve never done anything like that” But really my past mistakes are worst. It’s like I feel like I should disappear. I don’t know how to deal with the guilt and I feel horrible. I’ve made good and bad decisions but despite this being a long time ago ( which doesn’t erase my stupid actions ) I still keep bringing back into the present and I’m filled with guilt I genuinely think it would be better if I wasn’t here. I wake up think about my past things and I’m filled with guilt and shame that maybe I am a bad person and voices don’t stop, they keep telling me a lot of things that I start to believe. It makes me upset that I did something like that in my past and I try to be understanding but I can imagine the reactions of people and being condemned so much. I literally do this to myself every single day and it’s exhausting I don’t know how you guys can treat me with so much compassion and understanding. It really doesn’t feel real or like I deserve it. Like even on nocd, it makes me feel worst because I come across comments that say “as long as it’s not —-“ or something and I compare it to my past and I feel like a horrible unacceptable person.

All the past stuff can’t seem to let go of me. I lied, I normalized horrible things, I’ve tried to be moral in an immoral environment. Two people are dead and I could’ve done something. One of them probably deserved it. They were a pedophile, and I know the relationship they had with me was horrible. The other was a close friend. We were in that environment together, and while I grew away from it, he got further into it. And now he’s dead, hanged himself over some sick perversion someone placed in his mind. I’ve seen such sick things. I knew things were wrong. I tried telling people. I told that friend, it isn’t normal. Isn’t this stuff wrong? Aren’t we being influenced? He didn’t see it. I should’ve tried harder to make him see my way. I’m away from all of it. But he never got to get away. I remember telling people I knew from that environment, those online spaces. Since I was sixteen, I knew it was off. I knew these ideas planted in our heads were sick. I tried to convince people when I turned eighteen, but nobody saw it. Everyone was still brain washed. I’m a horrible person, I haven’t done enough to stop anything. I’ve always had a passion to help people, but I never was able to. I’ve been uncomfortable with sex for a while, but I can’t stop. I remember being uncomfortable with a girl in my school. She was really sexual towards me. I tried to tell the office, nobody listened, it’s just a crush. And then I started to like it, but it still felt wrong. And then she got expelled, and I was telling people she harassed me. Nobody really took it serious, it was just funny, so I exaggerated and said she squeezed my crotch and it hurt. Then people finally sympathized with me. There was another lie, a lie that still hurts me. There was a girl in our class. Everyone made jokes about her, I tried to be nice and talk to her, but then she got a bit creepy towards me. She wouldn’t stop following me. It got uncomfortable. What did I do? I lied again, because everyone started making jokes about how she liked me and I was uncomfortable. I said she made a suggestive comment to me, and they all laughed. I just wanted it to stop. I lied, again. I am deceitful. That poor girl wrote in my yearbook and thanked me for being a good friend, but I made her into a joke just to save my own skin. I am a coward, I hurt people, and I deserve to be put down like an animal. I’m sorry for making myself seem like someone else, I tried to help as much people as I could, I tried. All I want is to be good, but too much bad has happened. Thank you for giving me the opportunity to try and redeem myself everyone. You all are so strong. I’m not going to harm myself, but I accept that I have evil within me.

For context, im going to college for 6 years (less than 2 years away to graduate college) to focus on fixing my GPA, volunteering, and MCAT studying... as well as graduating... My parents keep guilt tripping me and asking me questions like "did you know how much we've spent to keep you in college?" And telling me the amount they've spent on my college education... my mom keeps saying that "shes not trying to make me feel guilty, but it's a fact you have to accept..." I know they've spent a lot of money to help me... my mom claims she spent over 70k on me... and I know they're suffering... but them constantly telling me the same thing and saying things like I should drop out to focus on making money to save is honestly degrading my mental health... My mom is the only one who knows the full extent of how extremely horrible my extremely awful and terrible POCD real events when i was either 13 or 14 were... so it feels like im indebted to her for helping me throughout... but her constantly asking me these kinds of questions and then saying "im not trying to make you feel guilty" is counterintuitive... UPDATE: when I called my mom just now... crying about how much I l0athe myself every time she guilt trips me, she kept bringing up her own pain, and that I didnt keep my promises... to the point where I genuinely asked her if I delete myself, will she be happy... she at first compared me to other kids who graduated in four years, then asked if I thought I had suffered more than she has... and if i did, that I should "stop talking to her"... I genuinely cant take this anymore... I cant take this from her anymore... I cant take life anymore... she makes me feel like I shouldn't be here... I genuinely dont want to be here...