I screwed up so bad. I’m so behind on these papers I need to do for my college finals. My parents hate me, I hear the disgust and resentment in their voices. They know what a bad person I am. At my age they were actually responsible and self-reliant, they worked hard and functioned on their own as adults. I’m such a child still. I’m such a lazy, selfish, terrible person. And honestly my three siblings are just like me. My parents really really don’t deserve us. I will not be able to take care of my parents when they are old. Why did I let this happen? I messed it up so badly. I hate myself and I am a terrible person. I am not suicidal at all, and have been very firmly not suicidal for years; but I am only not suicidal because it would devastate and destroy the lives and happiness forever of my parents, my three siblings, and probably my extended family also. Even though they probably hate and resent me. Because even then, they would still be disgusted and horrified at what a monstrous selfish person I would be to kill myself, and they would always be scared and hateful that one day someone else they know might also turn out to be a really horrible person. I wish there was some way out of this, some way to escape this horrible feeling and dread. But there isn’t. It feels so bad, I hate the feelings of disappointing people so much. I hate it so much. It’s a torturous feeling that makes life really painful. Although the feeling isn’t nearly as horribly intense as when I was in high school and felt it really really badly all the time. So I guess I’ll get through this current bad situation. But I really did a terrible job, and it’s all my fault. I’m such a terrible person. And they will all hate me, forever. And they should. Every interaction with my parents for the rest of my life will be colored by their disgust of me. That muted and cold voice, and talking like they want nothing to do with me. Once I screw up these college finals I will have made them feel bad. They will feel sad and miserable because they will be so disappointed in their kid(s).

Don’t talk so negatively about yourself! Everyone has rough times and I know right now seems like the end of the world but a few years from now you will look back on this and think “why was I so worried about that”

I’m sorry you’re going through this. Hopefully this app and therapy help you

Thanks a lot I really appreciate it

Sure thing.

hey buddy, i hope you’re doing better by now. its okay if you’re not. listen, if you don’t have anyone to talk to about things like this then you should definitely get a therapist through this app, it’ll help you reaccess your situation from another perspective and sometimes that’s all you need. in regards to your comment about, “Others have real problems, UNLIKE ME” i just want to point out that you are wrong. Yes, people have baggage to deal with but baggage is not something that should be measured, if it’s real to you and it hurts you then it’s undoubtedly real. You deserve happiness, you deserve health and you most definitely deserve help. I wish I had more helpful advice but alas, I don’t know you well enough to truly help. If you ever need to vent I am right here to listen.

that’s wonderful! im very glad you’re getting the help you deserve. you’ll be okay one day :)!!

Also: I know that it is the correct therapy approach to treat OCD, but right now I HATE how anyone who comments will NOT tell me it’s alright or that I’m OK. They will explicitly only tell me the opposite, and probably insult and attack me to make me feel even worse, in some attempt to do exposure therapy. I am in such an emotionally fragile place right now and posting on here today will probably just make things worse. But I have no one else to talk to. No one else can listen to me. Everyone else has real problems, UNLIKE me, so if I tried to tell them about what I’m feeling they would just resent me and feel annoyed that I am interrupting their very busy schedules (but they actually work quickly and work hard, UNLIKE me) for my stupid problems that are entirely my fault. There is no one in my life at all who I can talk to about this. So this is the least bad place. Even though I know the responses on here will be cold and cruel and brutal and just make me feel much much worse.

G*dd*mn if I hate being alive so much. It is so miserable being alive. I will never ever ever commit suicide, because it would permanently completely destroy the lives and any chance at happiness for my entire family. But it’s such a horrible feeling to be alive. I wish there was some escape from this horrible horrible feeling but there isn’t any.

I kind of wish I had a terminal illness. Except it would make my twin brother horribly and permanently sad I think. The other members of my family I think would all be able to move on and get closure from it, accept it. But I don’t think he ever would.

Thanks so much I really appreciate it. I am tearing up right now in a good way because of what you said, thank you. I went through NOCD twice. It was definitely helpful but we got to the point where it couldn’t really help me with my other issues. I just started seeing a new therapist once a week.