I saw a better therapist today, she seemed as if she’s been familiar with same people as me. Still fearful and worried. I become fearful of good thoughts because I feel they’ll come around to bite me. It feels the more I try to think of good thoughts genuinely they’re filled with doubt as soon as I say or think them and it really sucks. Does anyone else fear that they’re losing their masculinity(guys)?

I want to get thought this weird horrible period, it has been horrible. I am doubting everything. I’m not diagnosed but when I look at my past I’ve always been horribly anxious and worrying about health, death and basically everything while suffering from major a lot of insecurities stemming from bullying and lately a lack of intimacy with my partner, Every time I think I’m on the way out, or see some light at the end of the tunnel my mind always pulls me back in. It’s torture. I’ve always been insecure about how I look and I find myself comparing myself at other males and it’s made my self esteem on the floor. I have a girlfriend and prior to this we had a future planned and talked about kids (we’re still young, but it felt so real), this all began to bubble when we stopped being intimate and the loss of my job. I don’t know anymore how to move on, every day feels like a chore. The intrusive thoughts telling me I’m in denial, constantly thinking about men I’ve felt insecure about their looks compared to mine wishing I looked like them plaguing my mind. The false attractions, prior to this i was comfortable in acknowledging good looking men. However now my mind takes this as evidence, every single thing in my past seems like some form of evidence. Not having male friends, the comparisons, being questioned about my sexuality from siblings. I’m sorry if this is reassurance, I am just needing to get some things of my chest. Every time I think about my first real attraction or girls I found pretty/attractive or I liked my mind is like your in denial and then I feel horrible about thinking those thoughts as I have my girlfriend. I miss just being with my girlfriend and not having these thoughts and feeling horrible. I feel like a fraud and a horrible partner. I’ve tried to accept maybe, maybe not, but something always comes back. These 4 months have been terrible. I want to sleep without horrible dreams, I want to eat. I want to feel like myself again. Thank you to anyone who reads this. Hope you’re strong too.

Today I woke up and immediately was flooded with intrusive thoughts. I was thinking about how I want to remembered when my time on earth is finished. I want to be remembered by my kindness and my heart. I want to be remembered by the lives i’ve changed. But then it hit me. What if you want to be a girl? What if you’re just telling yourself you don’t want to be a girl? I shouldn’t be scared, my family would love me no matter what I was. But this.. This is taking its toll on me. People call me maam all the time. I have feminine features and qualities.. It makes me question everything I know about my life. But I think what makes it worse is that i’m scared but don’t feel scared? Like I don’t feel intense fear like I once did. I know that I don’t want to be a girl. I don’t want boobs or long hair and nails. I have feminine qualities but I just exist. And this morning it’s hitting me very hard. I hate TOCD. I hate that I can’t just have one moment of peace. That it finds ways to seep into my life by finding areas i’m weakest in. I read other people’s stories and kinda do checking with it. And to make it all worse my for you page is FILLED with trans tiktok’s and peoples experiences. It’s making me mad. Why can’t I just be happy? Like everyone else in my house? Why did I inherit this stupid fucking disorder? And why do I question everything single thing about myself. First it was fear I was going to hurt someone and be a monster. And now it’s fucking thoughts of me wanting to be a girl?? Anyways have a nice day guys.

I’ve been meaning to ask this question, I’ve been diagnosed with SOOCD last year in November. But I had been struggling with SOOCD for around two years at that time before the diagnosis. Yet I still doubt the diagnosis almost every day. I didn’t continue therapy because I could t afford it. The anxiety symptoms or lower now and sometimes istimewa feels very meh like I don’t even want to answer the questions in my mind and other times it will implode and I’ll cry and feel so much pain in my heart. I cried the other night when I was watching on of chrissie Hodges’ videos. Because I felt so confused I can’t tell what’s real from time to time. I also wanted to ask if it’s normal to see pictures of men like really hot men and feel uncomfortable because I feel pressured to look and if I don’t look and check em out even when I don’t feel like it, I’d feel like I’m in denial and it’s exhausting and I tend to give up on responding to it and I’ll just feel like I’m hiding something and it’ll feel so uncomfortable. And then other times I’ll see a guy and turned on but I’ll still feel anxious and uncomfortable abit because of the thoughts. I’m straight and I do love men my fear is that I’m secretly bi because of the porn and the previous fantasizing I did when I was a teen. I’m 21 rn. It’s hard for me everyday I feel like I’m stuff acting in these negative emotions and like I just can’t breathe and be myself by solely trusting in myself. Because there’s constant doubt. And I’m a girl btw