I saw a better therapist today, she seemed as if she’s been familiar with same people as me. Still fearful and worried. I become fearful of good thoughts because I feel they’ll come around to bite me. It feels the more I try to think of good thoughts genuinely they’re filled with doubt as soon as I say or think them and it really sucks. Does anyone else fear that they’re losing their masculinity(guys)?

Why do I feel doubtful like if I get intrusive thoughts it bothers me but when I say like my thoughts don’t defy me and I know I’m straight I get like a weird panic attack and feel doubtful even writing this makes me feel doubtful but I know what I am and I know what I want and know who I want to be with now I feel doubtful but I don’t like this feeling it makes me sad can anyone relate ???

My initial thoughts are not as scary bc I’ve been doing erp. For example, when an initial thought comes across I don’t go into panic mode, instead when the thought comes across I tell myself “maybe yes maybe no” and I feel better. But the thing that is getting to me is that the next thought is usually “did you just suppress a gay thought” and that makes me go into panic mode. And I feel bad because I’m like damn if I am suppressing these thoughts that would be sad like why cant i just decide on one so that I could be happy. You know? And I didn’t have these thoughts before. It’s so annoying because I constantly feel like what if I’m in denial. And it makes me question whether I’m happy with or attracted to my boyfriend. I want to be happy so I’m like do I leave him and maybe date women, but then Im like oh no i don’t want to do that I want to be with him and be happy with him. Anyone going through something similar?

(sorry long post, here's backstory) 1.5 years ago I got into my first ever realationship, (I'm 18+ now) and there were extremely levels of turmoil. 2 ish years previous to this girl I was anxious about liking animals, liking children, being a rapist, or being a racist. But the thoughts weren't extremely bad and I could normally be like well ODVIOUSLY I'm not and move on for the most part. However 3 months into the relationship she said "if you like someone and don't tell me, and I found out later, I would think your raping me" (BAD PERSON AS STATED PREVIOUSLY) And ever since that moment I don't think I've been the same, all of the thoughts are much worse and in that relationship I couldn't go 30 minutes without telling her "I think I like blank" "I think blank is hot" then it transformed into not just being that but also being "for a second I think I thought u were fat" "I think I think you're ugly" because I went under the thought process of 'well I have to tell this person every thought because what if I think something that she would want to leave me for and I don't tell her' Now, I am in a new relationship and this person is the best person I could ever ask for, complete opposite of the previously mentioned person. However about 2 months ago the thoughts started again. I decided though that I couldn't get into the cycle of telling her every singlele thing because it would hurt her and not even help me. Currently I'm convinced I'm transphobic, she's trans and I am either convincing myself I see her as a man, even though I'm a lesbian so I ODVIOUSLY wouldn't date her if I did, or that I have a fetish for trans people, or that I am dating her for some other twisted reason. I refuse to bring myself to complete the cycle by telling her and being like "is this thought ok" but it's eating me up inside and I find it hard to enjoy myself, it takes up 75% of my waking thoughts