I don’t normally make posts like this but if anyone can relate or has advice so I don’t feel so alone I would appreciate it! I feel like crying and I’m so anxious. So I’ve been dealing with an ocd flare up since February. It started out as contamination and harm after I had a really bad experience on a edible. The contamination mostly centered around the fear of someone accidentally giving me an edible to someone putting it in my food or water. Then it went from there to my Brian going you know what’s worse than edibles? LSD. So then I obsessed over that and it’s been like that on and off. I’ve had an extremely hard time with it it’s been one of the worst themes I ever had. I don’t eat certain things. Especially sweets. I avoid them. I avoid taking medication Bc I’m scared. I limit myself. I’m horrible about opening water bottles and if it doesn’t open just right I won’t drink out of it. I know it’s crazy I know it’s untrue but the panic I feel traces back to that night. I don’t ever want to feel that out of control again it scared me so bad I got diagnosed with ptsd (to be fair I had a lot of unresolved trauma that caused my glass to overfill) well, I’ve been going to EMDR therapy it’s got my ptsd under control but the ocd is louder. My ocd is clawing to stay alive. I’ve started to have intrusive thoughts now about my boyfriend might slip something into my water even though ITS NOT TRUE. So then I panic because the thoughts are so irrational that I get scared like why would I ever think that about him???? But the intrusive thoughts are so jarring and I don’t want my ocd to focus on him now! I need advice! I’ve been prescribed pristiq but haven’t taken it Bc you guessed it.,.. I’m scared to! I can’t go on like this! The thoughts are so irrational it scares me even though the rational side of me knows it’s not true but I guess that’s ocd. We get scared of the thoughts even though we know it’s not true and I know it’s my brain trying to keep the ocd going. I know therapy must be working otherwise my theme subjects wouldn’t have changed so fast. I’m so tired of this.

Hi, I wanted to make a post because I honestly feel really alone. This is going to be long, but please bear with me and let me know if you relate or have any advice. I’m currently dating quite possibly the best guy I’ve ever met. And by FAR the best guy I’ve ever dated. We have such a strong connection and it’s my first healthy, non toxic relationship. He treats me with so much understanding, respect and kindess. But heres the thing. I have truly terrible ADHD, OCD, Anxiety Disorder, PTSD, Panic Disorder and depression. And more specifically I’ve come to realize- ROCD. I constantly have thoughts about him not wanting me, lying to me, cheating on me, etc. I’ve seen a lot of posts about having ROCD where you doubt wanting to be with the other person- but I know with everything in me I want to be with this man. What I obsess about is him leaving me. I have constant anxiety, espescially since my PTSD kicked in about a year ago. Whenever I’m physically with him, I feel incredible. I literally do not get anxiety, and if I do its considerably less harmful- and hes there to hold me and comfort me. I have trouble eating because of my anxiety, but with him that’s never the case. We’ll have a great time- but the second I leave I begin to doubt how he feels. Whether he’s with another girl. Whether it’s too good to be true. Wondering when hes going to leave. These thoughts cycle and cycle in my head in a manner that is so all-consuming I can hardly focus on anything else. If I text him and I don’t get a text back I immediately assumt the worse. I thought at the beginning it was just because we hadn’t made it official, and when we did these feeljngs would do away. But then he made it official. And they didn’t. And then I thought when it got more serious they would go away. But then he told me he was falling in love with me( I felt the same). If anything, it made it worse. I told myself when he told me he was really in love it would get better. He did. We said I love you, and still. Constant worry. He’s not a great texter or caller, but I expressed to him how much I need communication and how much it bothers me when he doesn’t respond- and he apologized (WITHOUT getting defensive) and said that he would work on it. And he HAS. But still. It’s a cycle. The anxiety waiting for a text, the dopamine rush when I get it, respond, then wait and it starts again until he responds. Then again. It’s a vicious cycle and it’s tearing me apart. We’re open with each other- so everytime I get a thought I bring it up to him for reassurance. I explained to him that I’ve been hurt so badly before. The last time I was in love/my first love- was a narcissist who took my virginity by raping me and i stayed with him for a year and a half after that until it got to be too much physical and emotional abuse and he then fucked my best friend. Told everyone I was pathological when I tried to warn people about him. Every guy I’ve started to care about since then has lead me on or used me, and the less attention they gave me the more I needed it and the more I prioritized them. My dad was a narcissist who gave me love then would dissapear, or come back and I would have to take care of him as he was depressed and suicidal (I was 4) and to this day relies so heavily on me that when I don’t respond to him he says hes going to kill himself. I understand that I have severe abandonment issues, as well as trauma, and that I most definitely have an anxious attachment style. I’ve been trying so hard for the past two years to heal myself, but now its all the more important because I can tell that even though hes patient, it hurts him that I don’t feel secure, that I don’t seem like I trust him. I said that as time goes on and I get to knkw him more it’ll get easier, but I’m terrified that may not be the case. I’m so worried that I’m going to ruin this thing, that it will be a self fulfilling prophecy and that I’m missing out on this honeymoon phase, on being happy because I’m constantly worried about when it will be taken from me. I’m in therapy and we tlak about this a lot and I know it stems from my low self esteem and people-pleasing tendencies, but it doesn’t really seem to be helping all that much. Can anyone relate? Does anyone have advice?

So, this long story will have to be cut down a bit but here’s my story and my plea for some guidance… My childhood was not that great. Although I am grateful to have had a better childhood than others who are way less fortunate. My dad was an alcoholic and suicidal, my mom was toxic and vengeful. This lasted up until I would say my 10th birthday. I was also molested by a family member that to this day no one believes that it happened and would rather me keep this info to myself. I searched for attention from the wrong people. Being bullied, I decided it’s best to be the bullier. So, I started getting in trouble at school, home, with the cops. Everything. Me and my mom started to develop a resentful relationship. I met people online who were older than my age at the time, who had zero business talking to me. They manipulated me and made me feel horrible. I got caught and went ten months without a phone. This time was peaceful. I then went into my sophomore year of high school and entered a relationship I was not comfortable in. At this point, I was healing from previous trauma and was not looking for a relationship to be in. But, I did it anyway because I was afraid to be alone. This relationship was the worst relationship….and I mean the WORST relationship I was in. It was narcissistic and abusive. It broke off abruptly with no closure, no explanation, and leaving me empty and suicidal. I dated during this time and made it clear that I was not ready for a relationship yet. I decided to take a break from dating because although I do not have feelings for my ex, I was now experiencing anxiety and PTSD from what happened. I fell into a deep depression that I did not know when I will be getting out of. I met my boyfriend while continuing to heal about a month after. It was an instant connection and of course I questioned it but I didn’t think much of it. I caught feelings for him pretty quickly which is something that is rare for me. We had insanely similar personalities. It has been the best relationship I have been in. I could even go as far as to say this will be my future husband. We are also long distance and will be closing that distance soon. Something inside me though… keeps bringing up my ex. Small thoughts, small feelings, and knowing I don’t love him. Now, I sit here. I am questioning my love for my partner, asking myself what is so special about my ex that he occupies my mind but weirdly not my heart… It hurts. I just want these thoughts to stop. I have become suicidal before, I am scared to become this again. Why do I feel like I love him when I never loved him while we were together? I know my brain is tricking me, because I know I love my partner. But I am scared I still care for someone who abused me. I am scared I now love two people at the same time. I am scared that the one that I am with isn’t the one for me and this happiness means I am faking it. Is it all an illusion? Why can’t he just go away?

Hello, I never got formally diagnosed for OCD, they told me I have autism with ocd tendencies but I think I have more than just tendencies. I’ve been reading some of the posts and I’ve never related to something more. These past few weeks especially have been awful. Let me explain. 1. I have a boyfriend and I’m coming to realize I may have ROCD. I love him to death but I can’t get over the thought that maybe I’m just faking for his attention and I don’t actually like him and that he doesn’t actually like me and just feels sorry for me. Now I know none of this is true, but it feels intensely real to me and I’ve started avoiding him because of it. We still hang out and I try to get past these thoughts but its hard. 2. I’m trying to lower the dose of my meds because I miss having emotions but now they may be too low and my depression/anxiety is coming back. The other day it was so bad and the intrusive thoughts were awful and I had the urge to SH. I physically felt like I had to do it. My boyfriend was on the phone with me, I kept trying to hang up so I could go do it, he wouldn’t let me. It was the only thing I could think about. “Luckily”, not really that lucky, he fell asleep so I snuck to the bathroom to do it. I hated myself so much afterwards but also felt relieved that I did it. Then super guilty. Then I started thinking I only did it for attention. It’s so stressful and I feel the urge coming back and I can’t stop thinking about it. There’s many other intrusive thoughts and compulsions I’ve been having but those were just two of the main ones. I don’t know what to do/maybe I could try exposure or therapy but I really don’t want to. Thanks for reading!