so i need to vent here because i'm sick to the point of wanting to throw up. ill be talking about how my ocd started. I think my ocd is a little different as I've never seen anyone with that kind of intrusive thinking, so my ocd makes me think it's real. my intrusive thoughts are like "I wish something bad could happen to this person" and it's something really, really bad that I abhor. I just don't want it to happen to the person, it's totally automatic and makes me want to cry all the time. and it all started with a book I was reading and I didn't know it had things like pedophilia and rape. and as I'm underage these things can easily get stuck in my head, there was an explicit scene and it felt like my body was reacting to it, even I DON'T WANT TO and that made me feel really bad. I never had thoughts like that before reading that fucking book I regret so much. and then for me it's very hard to recover, because my ocd says something like i want it to happen, but definitely not. I can't access the erp because I'm not fluent in english and much less have money already converted to real is absurd. I'm afraid to go to therapy because there aren't many therapists who specialize in ocd here and I'm afraid it could get worse. I already talked about ocd with my mother but she didn't understand much, in fact I was fine and she said something that made my situation worse. so that's it, sorry for the big text, but I needed it.

Hey so I’m an 18 year old college student I’ve had ocd for a long time but I never wanted to admit this aspect of it as part of it and I still don’t. That’s why I won’t say it cause I’ll just end up crying again. I don’t even want to post about it cause this would just make the problem real. I know I’m not sexually attracted to them but my mind wants to trick me and I end up getting confused on which is rlly me, like the other aspects of my ocd. It spiked ig when someone sent me a meme and it was fine but at the end of it it showed a child being shown in a sexual way which was suppose to I guess be funny but it wasn’t rlly funny to me at all and got uncomfortable and the pocd thoughts came in hard and I had such a bad panic attack and then I felt the need to go back and check to see what I was feeling and went to the video the next day after avoiding it to see which after reading the threads here is I guess a big no no? I know I’m not sexually attracted but my mind is playing these games and confuses me and I’m so scared to even talk to my therapist about it or ask people for help cause what if they think I’m a pedophile? Children genuinely make me happy and I have a motherly instinct to care for them but my mind turns it into something darker and I know I don’t think of these kids sexually but it’s like I have the power to?And that freaks me out so much and it won’t leave me alone I don’t know what to do I know I’m not one but my mind is tricking me and it’s freaking me out and if my mind says it could be what if other people think I am no one I trust will even understand idk what to do I just needed to put this somewhere to vent

TRIGGER WARNING I have NOT been diagnosed with ocd BUT I am pretty sure that i have ocd and my mum called the doctors they said it sounds like ocd I'm 12 if this helps anything I struggle to even write things and i normally can't do work because i stress out i cross out the work over and over again i sometimes can't even put my hand on the paper or over the paper or something or whatever because then im "slitting my wrists" or "slitting my neck" or whatever and it stresses me out sometimes i get shouted at by my teachers for not doing any work or barely any work most of the time the teachers dont notice but then they dont notice me crying over it either I think ive always or for ages that ive mainly thought about things before I say them or do them like just so i know what to say or do but now its like I plan it incase i do something that could trigger me or would trigger me (i dont know if its because of this or because of different reasons but im guessing this because i have no other explaination and i dont know if this is ocd but i think it is) and i have to do "fuck off lilly no your not no you dont shut up lilly no your not no you dont" or "shut up lilly fuck off lilly" or like "fuck off lilly fuck off lilly fuck off lilly fuck off lilly shut up lilly shut up lilly shut up lilly shut up lilly" or "shut up lilly shut up lilly shut up lilly shut up fuck off lilly fuck off lilly fuck off lilly fuck off lilly" however many times it feels nesicary and what ever order feels nesicary I also struggle to get changed or unchanged alot because i start repeating it loads of times and if i dont i stress out. I think its because if i dont I'm "slitting my wrists" or "slitting my neck" and it stresses me out also when i walk like in or out of my bathroom i have to keep repeating it and walking in or out of my bedroom i have to keep repeating it or like up or down my stairs or in and out my sisters room and things like that and if i dont i stress out I also tell my mum mostly everything and i can tell she doesn't care its mainly my mum but i sometimes tell other people too and i can tell they dont care either and if anyone interrupts me i have to start again or whatever and if whoever im telling don't answer me i have to start again or whatever and i sometimes ask them if they listened or something or whatever and if they don't answer me i make them listen and then i say or do it again or something or whatever Sometimes I breathe weird or wrong then i keep doing it until it feels or sounds right or just nesicary and i sometimes do it with blinking too and i do many repetitive things because of it too because i didnt blink right or breathe right whilst i did it or i did breathe right or did blink right whilst i did it and it stresses me out I sometimes have thoughts and the other day or once or one time or something or whatever or whatever or something it told me that my house would set on fire or something or whatever I sometimes have thoughts about harming myself or suicide that i DO NOT want to do AT ALL and it stresses me out I think it has been really bad this week or something or whatever or whatever or something to the point where I got my friend to do my work for me (we were only supposed to copy the board) This is also it Ive had ocd for years they keep changing i used to do numbers even numbers then odd numbers then washing my hands now its harm ocd (and unplugging plugs but i didnt know that was a sign of ocd but when i do unplugg and plug in things i have to do it loads of times) i think about harming people and myself that i DO NOT want to do and i hate it it tortures me i have to think "f*** off (my name) no your not no you dont shut up (my name) no your not no you dont" i have to walk over or past things alot of times becsuse it "slits my wrists" or "slits my neck" and i dont want that to happen so i do the things and i even dont do school work because if i write things wrong i have to cross and cross things out and write them loads of times just to cross them out again and put loads of dots and underline things loads of times and sometimes i cant even put my hand on the paper because its "slitting my wrists" or "slitting my neck" and i dont want to put my self under that much stress so sometimes i just dont do it so i dont get stressed but sometimes i get stressed and carry on and then takes ages to stop and when i stop i dont want to start again incase it starts again and i get shouted at by my teachers for not doing any work most of the time the teachers dont notice that ive done none or not much but then they dont notice me crying over it anyway the worse part is mental health day or when they talk about mental health because all they talk about is depression i know depression is bad but why cant you talk about other things like ocd like eating disorders why cant you just talk about the problems im facing and what other people are facing instead of depression all the time ive told teachers about this my old head of year i told her more than ive told any other teacher more than ive told any one i think actually but theyre no help ive never been to a therapist or whatever you have for things like this i really want to go to one because i think i need one but i feel really awkward talking about things like normal things like underwear and puberty and mental health I feel like ill never be normal i feel like i cant have a normal life like bring up a kid and that breaks my heart all the time and that if i ever have a kid i cant bring it up properly or it'll look at me weird or that ill pass it onto them I hate what happens to me in my mind everyday it tortures me everyday I hate that i look at myself abit differently learning its a disability Now that i think of it and i really dont want to say this but a few times i have thought about people sexually any ages normally not even my own i DONT want to think like this I sometimes think about suicide but i dont know if thats an instrusive thought because i DO NOT want to commit suicide AT ALL I hate how my life has come to me not being able to tell my parents or anyone my problems i hate hate HATE IT i dont know what to do...

Hey everyone! I’m new here and thought that it might help to get my OCD story off my chest. My intrusive thoughts are so bad that I never want to talk about them to anyone so maybe that’s why I’m here. When I was 13 my grandma was in the hospital. She was my best friend in the whole world. I imagined so much life with her. I remember pulling into the hospital one day with my Dad and immediately knocking on “wood” (the car door) to help put me at ease about my grandmas health before going in. I knocked on wood because everyone knows that’s what you do when you don’t want something to happen. I didn’t want anything bad to happen to her so bad that all I could think about in that moment was something bad happening. So I knocked on wood. It made me feel better so I kept doing it whenever I had bad thoughts. But then it going confusing. If this was helping ease these thoughts, why was I starting to have these thoughts more frequently? 13 year old me didn’t understand what I was doing or why these bad thoughts started. It had got so bad that I was knocking on wood every second of the day, every surface I came across that felt right, and if I didn’t I would force myself to turn around and touch that surface. I would have to knock on wood 8 times every single time but the 7 would have two knocks because the word 7 have two syllables. But then the 8 times wouldn’t be enough, I still wouldn’t feel satisfied so I would do it again and again and again until my entire day was overpowered by intrusive thoughts or knocking on wood. My family and friends started to notice, asking why I do it. I would always avoid the question or make a joke out of it because I couldn’t tell them these terrible thoughts I was having. I was so deeply afraid of something bad happening to the people I love the most or myself that it was debilitating. A couple years later I noticed how bad it had gotten and wanted a change. So I forced myself to stop knocking. I would tell myself angrily that nothing bad would happen if I don’t knock. It took me a lot of convincing and small steps to realize this, but it worked. I got better. I went to the doctors office at about 15 and told them everything. How I did this but how I solved this. They told me it takes great mental strength to be able to fight something in your brain like that. I have always been so mentally strong but hearing them say that made me feel so much better. And I was better. For years. Yea I went through times when it was bad again but it was so much better. The past couple years it has gotten worse again. I noticed that it gets worse when my anxiety about things is higher. New changes, new people, new things. Now, at 21 I won’t let myself get back to the point I was when I was 13, but recently I can’t seem to keep the intrusive thoughts out. I am so terrified of myself or someone else getting hurt of getting older that I put the whole toll on myself. I am so so so happy with my life right now that I don’t want anything to change. That is why it’s been so bad recently. Life is amazing which is why I only want it to get better and I’m so scared something might get in the way of that. I realized after talking to my friends that I never want to say my intrusive thoughts out-loud because I believe strongly in speaking things into existence so I only speak good things out loud. That’s how I’ve always been. But when I talked with my friend she said she’s the opposite, she says the bad things out loud because then you jinx them and they won’t happen. Her saying that gave me a little peace because it made me realize that it’s okay to get these things off my chest and that saying these things out loud isn’t so serious, it’s not life or death like I thought it was. Honestly, the weight of getting my story off my chest has already helped me feel a little lighter of a load on myself.