NEED INSIGHT: Ok so today as some people know is ash wed. I’m not a very religious person anymore but I do believe in God, just not so much the formalities of religion. My Mom wants me to go get my ashes today and was guilt tripping me by saying all that God has done and I believe her but now I have a lot of Guilt induced OCD. If I go get my ashes it’s going to be partially because I want to but mainly because of OCD induced guilt of my mind telling me how if I don’t get ashes I’m a bad person and will upset God and it would almost be like a compulsion if I go. I’m not sure what to do here... Any insight would be much appreciated.

I've been doing more research on the ins and outs of Catholicism, and man are the guidelines very strict. They're not bad in any sense, and following them makes for a good person, but with ocd these guidelines seem near impossible to properly follow. For example, it's a mortal sin to have an impure thought, and commiting a mortal sin puts you in a state of sin. This means you cannot receive the eucharist (body of Christ) at mass, which is a way to connect closer to God. You have to confess in order to be free from mortal sin. This is fine and all, but this means in my case I'd have to confess almost every week, which can be so tiring. I'm not trying to bash on my own religion, but these guidelines make it so incredibly difficult for me to feel good about myself. Knowing I'm committing one of the worst forms of sin everyday. Intrusive thoughts are a constant thing, does that make me a child of sin? I even skipped mass today because I feel guilty about being in mortal sin, but skipping mass is also a mortal sin! I feel absolutely terrible about myself right now, and feel as if my connection with God has been cut and it's entirely my fault...

I put a trigger warning because I will be discussing themes of end of times. I feel like I'm not following God's will. God knows ultimately that things were going to speed up end of times wise. A few months ago, I had a random thought to call someone I had affected with past sin and apologize to him although I did not know he was there, my sin affected him. I know he deserves an apology, but I chalked it up to ocd and treated it as such for months fast forward to now I feel like I'm completely against God. Horrifying. It's a complex situation I caused and therefore though I know he deserves an apology I'm really scared as I created a mess of things. I've been praying that God help certain things come to fruition so I could be exposed and help minister to others if that's what He's calling me to do but no answer. Instead horrible images and thoughts and feelings of doom. I see signs to apologize everywhere. I'm at my wits end. Because I tend to get ahead of myself I asked two family members and they said don't and then I see things that say Though people in your life mean well, don't go based on what they say only what God says. I tell God to do His will and I'll follow, do you think He'll listen. I even told Him I straight up don't want to do it, not because He doesn't deserve one, but because last time I apologized to someone else I didn't do it right and it was messy. I feel so evil, like a wolf in sheep's clothing. I also remember looking up morbid things for what???? Only to be disturbed pray about it and leave by why search it up again? I also fantasized alot about guys I've been single forever, late 20s now, I'm trying to go to church and my crush is there and I try to stop thinking about him because I know it's delusional but the thoughts don't leave. I'm so tired I want to stop but stop what? Living? I want to stick to God as close as possible. I'm going crazy.

buying a rug and nail clippers would send me to hell. Why do I worry that these things would send me to hell? I'm always gauging every impression upon my mind and heart, and wondering if God is speaking to me or not. I often wonder if God is warning me against little things that could send me to hell. What I have learned is that people who have OCD often have a lot of confusion about hearing from God. Sometimes their OCD is telling them they can't do something, but they think God is actually warning them. I'm working on this. Like I said, it took me an hour, but I eventually went in and bought the rug and the nail clippers. Was I SURE that I was going to be safe and not destined for hell? No, I went in and bought the things even though I still wasn't completely sure if it was the right and safe thing to do. But in the end, I think I am being obedient to God when I take steps against OCD. And so, even though I still had uncertainty, I went and bought a rug and nail clippers. And now I'm going to trust in the promises of God that I am still saved, even though I did something I wasn't sure about. I've had a lot of practice doing this over the years. I wish just making a shopping trip was straightforward and not full of rumination. But life is not that easy for me. OCD sure makes life harder than it has be. Lol 😀😀🤣😂