I’m really struggling today, my thoughts are so aggressive, they won’t stop. They keep telling me you don’t wanna be with him, and so much more and they are the exact opposite of how I feel. It’s been like this for days and gotten increasingly worse, I just feel so tired of fighting, I feel so alone. I feel so betrayed by my own thoughts and so out of control of my own mind. My birthdays coming up and my partner called to ask me what my ring size was, the minute I got off the phone I burst into tears. I had a very short therapy session this morning as part of a trial run free therapy thing being offered within the UK. The therapist was very kind, although it was only 20 minutes she said it sounds like you are really are struggling with anxiety, depression & intrusive thoughts, for a moment I felt relief. I felt believed, I didn’t feel so alone or like I was going insane. She encouraged me to challenge the thoughts, to hold onto the good things & to not let my negative subconscious thoughts destroy this relationship they on a conscious level I know I very very much want. I know that OCD attacks everything and over the last 7 weeks the spectrum of doubts, questions & thoughts I’ve had have been so broad and intense. But I honestly think this has to be the worst, feeling like your fighting your own mind to be in a relationship you want is a new type of torture. I just feel so defeated today.

You’re not alone. I have a situation with similarities - and that twisting feeling in my stomach is one i wake up next to my partner with. Sending you love and warmth - meditation/square breathing has helped me a bit in the worst moments of struggle, dunno if that’s your thing. Regardless — you aren’t alone. ♥️

So sorry to hear you're struggling with this - ROCD is the absolute worst. From the therapy I've done, I know it's tempting to want to challenge thoughts - but this actually encourages rumination and mental arguments as you try to find the 'solution' and convince yourself you are meant to be with your partner. Is your therapist an OCD specialist? I went to a few counsellors and general therapists and they said similar things to yours - which helped in the short term but not in the long term, as I'd then doubt my reassuring thoughts and get caught up in my thoughts all over again. I'd really recommend an OCD therapist and reading about ERP and embracing uncertainty. When I get doubts about my boyfriend I try to say 'Maybe we should break up...maybe not' and leave it uncertain as I move on and find something else to do which aligns with my values. I hope this helps and I hope you get the support you need ❤️ sending love. ROCD is hard - but you've got this!

I'm so sorry to hear that. I am glad that you're seeing a specialist and I really hope that helps. With regards to the thoughts, intrusive thoughts aren't always 'what ifs' - they can definitely be commands too (scary stuff like 'you should dump him'). I follow a great page on Instagram called @obsessivelyeverafter and she talks about intrusive thoughts and their different forms - I find it helpful! Good luck with everything and try to be kind to yourself through this - remember none of this is your fault ❤️

Thank you Katie, the therapist I saw was a volunteer consellor from a free trial pilot that they are doing across the UK. I’ve actually just signed up to a private theraphy service that had a really affordable payment plan, which I’m hoping will have more understanding on OCD & anxiety in relationships specifically. I have been doing really well with not challenging my thoughts, learning to let them go and not give it too much power, but when it changed recently from what ifs ? to you shouldn’t be together or you don’t want to be with him, it got hard to ignore because it’s like we’ll if my thoughts aren’t in a state of doubt and they are now telling me no this isn’t what you want, doesn’t that have to make it true ? Which then sends me into a tail spin because there’s a part of me that’s like but not being in my relationship isn’t what I want and then the mental arguments continue. I’m so exhausted with it, I’ve had a headache all day, which has only really just began to shift. I know with time and help this will get better, but when it’s a really really dark day it just feels too much.