I can’t get over the guilt of knowingly having hurt someone 3 times. At first my intention was to make her feel included or help her but something took over in the middle of it. I want to know what is wrong with me since two days ago. I want to know if I am worthy of living after this. 1. I knew she had her first day of class and she told me she has an adjustment disorder but I still asked her if she had homework. I probably knew it could make her wanna die if I reminded her of hw. 2. She was saying something to my mom in the car ride home and my mind said she will be hurt if I put my shoulder on my seat hard because it will make her feel like I hate her or something. She was sitting in the back seat and I was sitting in the front seat. But yet i put my shoulder down on my seat back pretty hard. My mind associated it with her being offended and it adding up and making her want to die. But I still did it. 3. Today she seemed more talkative and lively than yesterday and I was trying to help at first when I started saying “maybe you are starting to adjust” but in the middle of it my brain said its gonna offend her bc I am bringing up her adjustment disorder in the car infront of my parents and son, yet I still finished the sentence. And it would be ok if it were once but I’m afraid that all these together will add up and make her want to die. If not now, then later. Then I started to think well there are bullies who bully someone everyday. But then my brain is saying that bullying someone around the same time everyday at school is different from the times that I unintentionally bullied her. Well it was unintentional at first half of it and then when i decided to ignore my brain that told me it will hurt her and i still did those.. I feel so guilty and i never did this until yesterday. I dont know whats going on with me. Why am i being this way all of a sudden? The guilt is eating me i dont even wanna talk to anyone incase i hurt/slowly kill them bc of something i said or action i did. But i feel suicidal now bc of the guilt.

I am going to tell you a story that I have never shared with anyone. So I was bullied in elementary school. But it got really bad in junior high. I was bullied from the time I walked in the door until I left for the day and it wasn't just one person. There were numerous people. At one point, someone started a rumor about me and the entire school was talking about me behind my back. But when I started high school, it had pretty much stopped. I was in Girl Scouts for 12 years. The summer after my junior year, my troop took a two week trip to the Pacific Northwest. We spent a couple nights in Salt Lake City, then we went to Oregon, Washington state, and then Glacier National Park in Montana on the way back. We took Amtrak from Chicago to Salt Lake then rented a coach for part of the trip and then took a different Amtrak route back home. We went to the Space Needle and Pike's Marketplace. While in Seattle, we had 4 girls to a room. 3 of them I requested to room with. But the fourth girl was kind of a loner and nerdy. I didn't like her. Probably because she reminded me too much of myself. At Pike's Market, I had been in a joke shop. I bought some soap candy that looked like real candy. The three of us decided to gang up on the other girl. I came up with the idea to melt the soap candy in some lemonade with hot water and then cool it down. She also said she had never seen an R rated movie. So we found one with nudity and a lot of blood and made her watch it. She asked if we could watch something else. But we said we wanted to watch it. We made her watch the entire thing. This happened in 1994 and I cam still see her face. She looked like she was about to cry. I have no idea why I did that. Thats not who I am. It wasn't just a matter of not putting a stop to it. I actively participated. I have lived with the guilt of that night. I wish I could tell her I am sorry. But I can't. I eventually realized that I just have to let it go. We all do things that are cruel and hurtful to others. Sometimes its accidental and sometimes its intentional. If a close friend told you a story like yours or mine, how would you respond? Would you tell them they are a horrible person who doesn't deserve to live? I doubt it. Treat yourself the same way. Easier said than done, I know. But let it go. Torturing yourself won't do anyone any good, trust me. If she tells you that you hurt her feelings or something. Apologize. Don't make excuses. Just say "I was wrong doing what I did. I'm sorry" if she doesn't bring it up, then let it go and forgive yourself.

Thank you so much 😭I’m crying. Thank you so much for sharing, I know it must have been so difficult. I’m so proud of you for coming so far and now helping me as well. I don’t know why I am so unforgiving of myself. Thank you so much💗

@alittleapple I completely understand. I am incredibly hard on myself too. I would never dream of talking to another person the way I talk yo myself. But I'm glad my story helped you. That is a story even my closest friends don't know. My mom was on that trip too. Thank goodness she never found out. She would have been so disappointed in me if she knew. That is not how I was raised. But it feels good to talk about it.

Call a hotline if you want to do it and you are blowing it way out of proportion. When i was 16 in sophomore year i used to think being pretty was everything . So id talk about how much i hated fat people amd people on my 600 lb life and laughed at them. A fat girl always watched me and i did it anyway. I can relate with the suicide obsessions. As a senior i understand my mistakes and wouldnt do that

Thank you 💗

Please don't give up. Things will definitely get better. Please don't end your life and please don't hurt yourself. You're just a human being, please be kind to yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. Please call the Suicide prevention hotline: 1-800-273-8255 Or text the suicide prevention textline: 741741 I promise you, things will definitely get better. 💙 Please don't give up.

Thank you Anna 💗

@alittleapple You're so welcome, dear. Don't let OCD win. Don't give any value to OCD. 💕

@itsAnna I will try💗