I honestly believe that there is no hope for me anymore. I've never been so low and afraid in my life and I'm afraid of myself. I'm no longer afraid of thoughts I'm afraid of acting out my harmful "urges" I haven't found anyone else who feels like they are gonna act on their fears and that makes it worse. I'm so afraid, there's no hope, there's nothing but darkness for me. I'm about to leave my child behind because I feel like it would be best for her.

What were your experiences with harm ocd and your children? Did you experience "urges"?

@bulldogmomma13 YES girl absolutely!!! So here’s how my first OCD episode went. (22 years ago) I was transitioning out of the military. I was super stressed and worried about what I was going to do to provide for my family. My oldest was 10 and youngest was 2. I remember the exact moment it hit! It was in April of 1999 in base housing on Bolling AFB in Washington DC. When it hit me I had looked at my small son walk by and BAM the urges hit. I was having panic attacks and horrible anxiety. Mind you I had never felt anything like this. Also back then OCD wasn’t even on the radar! I was in utter shock! I would get the urges and my anxiety was so bad my forehead would break out and I lost 20 pounds overnight. These thoughts, images, feelings, and horrible urges went on for bout 6 months. Everyone knew I was a wreck but I didn’t tell a soul. I just told them I was going thru depression. To add to all this I had to move to OK and start a new job! But you know what after about a year and with the correct med I was in total 100% remission for 6 years then went thru it all again! As proof you cat through it check this out -After my 1st round I became a State Trooper! Then when the 2nd episode came I was still a Trooper and you know what… I had a pistol and every weapon you could imagine on my person but NEVER acted on any urge. Went into remission 15 years. And now a third time!

@jfount11117 All I ever hear about from people are the thoughts. I cam stand the idea of the thoughts now bur no one ever talks about the urges. The fear you get because it would be so easy to do. I'm just scared but don't feel so alone knowing you experienced it to. You still have the thoughts but they don't bother you anymore?

@bulldogmomma13 I have urges and thoughts. Like you the thoughts don’t really phase me but the damn urges I freakin hate. But they dissipate, and it helps them to leave quicker if I don’t do compulsions which is hard I know.

@jfount11117 Did you ever see a therapist or do ERP?

@bulldogmomma13 The first two episodes no I just took meds. I was doing compulsions and everything. I didn’t know I had OCD. I seriously thought it was depression. Now this third time yes, I have been through the NOCD program. It helped a little. I have a very different take on ERP. Don’t get me wrong I do believe it has its place but I believe people think it’s a cure or all their intrusive thoughts are going to go away. They don’t! The intention of ERP is to just take away the anxiety. IMO there’s a lot more to OCD than the anxiety. But this is just my opinion and it may help others a great deal. I firmly believe it’s chemically driven. My previous episodes were completely gone with meds and correct dosages so it doesn’t take a genius to see there is correlation. If I were you, and this is only a suggestion, but I would try a different med. I seen your other post, Effexor XR has been the medication I used in the past but I’ve been on it so long and I weaned off of it that I must have jacked something up. But I am currently on what is called California Rocket Fuel. It is a combo of Effexor XR and Mirtazapine. It seems to be helping a little. So maybe you can try a SNRI like Effexor or Cymbalta. It will probably take 10-12 weeks for the therapeutic effect to kick in. For some reason it takes the meds longer to treat OCD than depression.

@jfount11117 Do you mind if I ask what your intrusive thoughts and urges were regarding your children? You don't have to tell me if you don't want to.

@bulldogmomma13 Bulldog…Let’s just say they were sickening and guilt producing.

@jfount11117 I understand. Thank you, you have been a great listener and supporter. I feel like there's a little hope but I'm still doubtful. I will be calling my Dr Monday anout meds.

@jfount11117 I'm sure the doubting I'll ever get past this is just part of it but its hard to convince my brain otherwise.

@bulldogmomma13 Yes the doubt about ate me up this past summer. But it’s eased a lot.

@jfount11117 I always wondered if law enforcement or people in the military had harm ocd and how hard it must be like you said with all those weapons. Respect!

It could be tourettic ocd ...i have it ..i recently came to know the urges is tourettic ocd.

@mukus What is tourettic ocd?

@bulldogmomma13 May be its better to google it. There is lot of information and video about it. I think its urges to act on your thought.

@bulldogmomma13 It is having OCD and Tourette’s (Tics). You can have both but Tourette’s is where you have the urge twitch, blink repeatedly, snort, bark, & other bodily movements . Itis a separate disorder.

@bulldogmomma13 Are you feeling any better today?

@jfount11117 I talked to my mom and boyfriend some more. I told them about the "urges" and how scared I am. My brain keeps fluctuating. I feel somewhat better when someone is with me but have panic attacks when I'm left alone with the baby. My boyfriend left for Texas for work and his mom is coming to stay with me tonight, she says she had similar feelings when she had her kids. She doesn't know about the urges just the thoughts but im calling my Dr tomorrow to see if I should change medications. I'm not great but trying to be hopeful. It's been really hard though.

@bulldogmomma13 Good deal. So I’ll try to make you laugh…When this all started up for me again last January I experienced my first panic attack ever. I was not sleeping at all and it was about 5 in the morning. I got out of bed and went to the fridge to get a drink. As I was standing in the door I got tunnel vision and tingling in my arms and legs. Then I had the worst harm urge I’ve ever experienced. I had put my head on the counter and it kind of subsided. I stood up and girl when I did I passed out! I hit the fridge, knocked the kitchen utensils all over the place , knocked the freaking cookie jar off the top of the fridge. ( which is a miracle it didn’t crush my nugget) Papers and crap was everywhere. When I came to I was flat of my back and super sweaty. I have no clue why I passed out. I guess just the fear of the urge. But I’m here to tell ya it looked like a bus had ran thru the kitchen! Lol

@jfount11117 Lol I hope I can get passed this too

No I've been searching around but there's no one close to where I live that does it. I'm so scared I just wanna run away

It's not even the thoughts anymore my mind is making me feel urges like I'm gonna do something. I'm freaking out here! I can't talk to anyone about it or I know they would take my baby away

@bulldogmomma13 In my experience the urges are related to the thoughts and they are all connected. They are all mind material fueled by ocd and they can feel so confusing and terrifying.

@bulldogmomma13 I know the urges are horrible. I get them too. But you can talk to us on here. The urges will pass. Try to sit with them the best you can. You can do this!

@Clearwater Up until a week ago I felt like a good mom and I was happy. Now it is so hard to be alone with my own daughter because I feel extreme anxiety and panic because there's this urge I feel to hurt her. I'd never want to do that and I'm so terrified! I've never been this terrified in my life. I've tried to stay home alone with her and push through the anxiety but couldn't do it. I end up going to my moms. And I can't tell anyone what I'm feeling because they would be freaked out. My mom knows about the thoughts but not the "urges" or whatever. I feel like I would scare people. I feel like a freak and a dangerous person. I love my little girl with all my heart but can't stand to be around her. I need help but there's no one in my area that does ERP

@bulldogmomma13 I've had a similar experience too. The good thing with this app is the therapists on here don't have to be close by, since it's all telehealth. Instrongly encourage you to call the nocd team tomorrow and they explain how all of that works. I know that you love your little girl and you want to help yourself so that you can help her. I know it's terrifying but the road to recover is partially seeking out support from the right people. If you aren't ready to go to your mom, at least call the Nocd line, or the SAMHSA national hotline. It is scary I know but in this journey you have to take one small step at a time. Sometimes the first small step is a simple phone call gathering more information and resources

@bulldogmomma13 I’ve had the urges too. I remember being at home crying and saying I’m gonna k*** my family and kt felt so real. If your in the states schedule a call with NOCD they more than likely have therapist who can help you in the state you live in. My therapy lives in Massachusetts and I see her monthly cause she is licensed in Virginia. There’s help out there my friend!

@bulldogmomma13 In my case when i had thought and urges to pull my daughter hair i just pretended i'm pulling her hair by just grabbing her hair gently making sure i wasnt hurting her .