I'm trying to do imaginal exposures for my suicidal/existential themes (e.g. thinking about how it is possible that life is pointless and not worth it, etc) but doing these exposures sometimes just makes me feel hopeless and depressed, and I worry that repeating these ideas to myself is actually just going to end up making me believe them? I've fallen into a spiral of hopelessness several times before and it's horrible and scary and I really don't want to do that to myself. Does anyone else struggle with these kinds of worries? How do you carry on doing the exposures when you're so worried that they might have a bad effect?

Hey! You are doing an awesome job. I am working with the same themes. Ultimately by not doing the exposures you are avoiding and yes it can feel awful the fact you have to do them but I got to the point where I just thought, I feel crap regardless, let’s go for the exposures whole heartedly multiple times a day from now on and see what happens. No one wants to do exposures and of course it makes us all feel bad and low. It is awful. To help with the hopelessness I have been working on making sure I live my life to the fullest, meeting up with friends, always going in to work and doing some form of exercise. I know it is hard to get the motivation but it has certainly helped me. It does get easier just keep trying a little bit each day.

Hey tuxie, I'm so sorry you're struggling with this. And I'm glad you felt able to come here for help. I haven't experienced Suicidal OCD, but I have definitely had anxieties that doing my exposures could make me worse. For me it was health anxiety around my chronic illnesses--that if I exposed myself to certain things, my physical health would get worse, and if I didn't, my OCD would get worse. The best thing I can suggest is to trust in the process and do the exposure anyway, even if your OCD keeps coming up with reasons you should avoid it. If you're doing these exposures with a therapist, I would also check in with them about these fears. Apart from that, I think Tom made a really good suggestion, and that's to counterbalance the hopelessness you're sitting with during exposures with lighter, more fulfilling things in the rest of your life. You're doing really hard work right now and sitting with some really scary things, so if you can, make some extra space for self-care and activities that give you a sense of meaning. Exposures are hard, and they're necessary, but that doesn't mean the rest of your life can't be a little more soft. I hope this helps. Much compassion. <3

I an proud that you are starting to do the exposures and I feel you. I have just started with a therapist and also have suicidal ocd, just reading about these kind of exposures triggers me and scares me. I hope I can get to a point of doing them and eventually feeling better. I know you can too! We can do this!

You could try put that worry of ruining it in to one of your exposures and work with it.