I just need any encouraging words you can give, I have tried so hard to move past these themes but it’s so hard. I feel in denial and starting to question if there’s some desire on my part. Sometimes there’s a thought that I can’t get passed and I feel like it brings me down to square one.

I want to get thought this weird horrible period, it has been horrible. I am doubting everything. I’m not diagnosed but when I look at my past I’ve always been horribly anxious and worrying about health, death and basically everything while suffering from major a lot of insecurities stemming from bullying and lately a lack of intimacy with my partner, Every time I think I’m on the way out, or see some light at the end of the tunnel my mind always pulls me back in. It’s torture. I’ve always been insecure about how I look and I find myself comparing myself at other males and it’s made my self esteem on the floor. I have a girlfriend and prior to this we had a future planned and talked about kids (we’re still young, but it felt so real), this all began to bubble when we stopped being intimate and the loss of my job. I don’t know anymore how to move on, every day feels like a chore. The intrusive thoughts telling me I’m in denial, constantly thinking about men I’ve felt insecure about their looks compared to mine wishing I looked like them plaguing my mind. The false attractions, prior to this i was comfortable in acknowledging good looking men. However now my mind takes this as evidence, every single thing in my past seems like some form of evidence. Not having male friends, the comparisons, being questioned about my sexuality from siblings. I’m sorry if this is reassurance, I am just needing to get some things of my chest. Every time I think about my first real attraction or girls I found pretty/attractive or I liked my mind is like your in denial and then I feel horrible about thinking those thoughts as I have my girlfriend. I miss just being with my girlfriend and not having these thoughts and feeling horrible. I feel like a fraud and a horrible partner. I’ve tried to accept maybe, maybe not, but something always comes back. These 4 months have been terrible. I want to sleep without horrible dreams, I want to eat. I want to feel like myself again. Thank you to anyone who reads this. Hope you’re strong too.

I’m not making this post to gain any reassurance (my therapist would kill me lol) but I just need some support here as I feel so alone and lost. I’ve been in ERP for a few years now and it’s been a journey thus far. I’ve experienced many different themes but currently it’s on sexual themes and I’m being drowned by it. I have to do exposures with videos of girls making out or being sexual with each other and then basically sit with the discomfort after. My brain literally jumps all over the place all day long. It’s throwing every thing at me from shows that I watch where women who were once with men get with girls, family members that I have who are gay, it’s having me question if I love my husband or feel anything toward him anymore, I have these thoughts that I can’t get close to God because “I like women” while also having it tell me that’s it okay because gay people still follow God. The other thing that gets me is the guilt I feel with my kids. It’ll throw images of my kids at me and I cry instantly. My brain is constantly talking to itself if that makes any sense? Constantly battling itself throwing thoughts and feelings at me to prove that I’m supposedly gay and then the other part is firing back showing why none of it is true. It’s just a lot of noise all damn day ! Anyone get this?. I try to sit with it and let it just go at itself but now I’m being told that’s not what I’m supposed to do, that I’m supposed to interrupt it?. I really feel like there’s something wrong with me that this can’t just be OCD. Can anyone here share there experiences with these theme? Anyone experience my type of story? I feel like no matter what I do I can’t get out of this.

Please read and offer some helpful words if you’ve relapsed before 😭 I have been doing so well in recovery for the last 6-8 months or so with SOOCD. I’ve had my moments where I come on this app and post, but for the most part it has been very manageable. I moved in with my bf a few weeks ago and things are amazing. except my SOOCD is back in fullllll force. It feels incredibly real this time, like I actually want to be with women, like I knew I was into girls when I was young and forgot about it or suppressed it, etc. I feel like I have too much proof in my past childhood exploration / curiosity for me to not be into women. I truly don’t think I have ever had feelings for a girl before even though I explored things through media when I was younger. It’s a constant tug of war in my brain, and I feel so stuck and unable to pull myself out of this spiral. I will have these moments where I’m like “oh my gosh. This is actually true because it feels so real”. And then I will accept it and tell myself everything is real and that I actually do like women, but it only leads to more rumination and questioning. I just seriously don’t know what to do or how to move forward. I can’t go back to therapy unfortunately bc of finances, so I’m stuck trying to go back to erp on my own to get myself out of this. It’s just too much 😭