anyone struggle with SOOCD in a relationship or married? i feel overwhelmed and alone right now. it feels so real.

I just saw my boyfriend, and even though everything was okay on the outside, inside my mind it was a storm. I kept having thoughts like: “You don’t like him.” “You’re not feeling anything.” “You’re pretending.” “You don’t care.” And then, he said something sweet — something that should’ve made me feel happy: “We should marry.” And instead of warmth, I felt anxiety. A pit in my stomach. A voice in my head saying: “You don’t want that.” “You’ll never stay with him.” “If you really loved him, you’d feel joy.” And I hate it. I hate that I’m in this state. I don’t feel connected. I don’t feel clarity. I don’t even know what I feel anymore. I just feel… numb. And the worst part? It feels like I don’t even care. But I know I do. Somewhere, beneath all the noise and panic and obsessive thoughts, I care. I want to feel close to him. I want to stop second-guessing every word, every touch, every thought. This is ROCD. It makes me question everything. It makes me feel like I’m lying — even when I’m not. It steals the moments that should feel warm and turns them into confusion. If anyone else feels this awful mix of numbness, fear, and guilt — please tell me I’m not alone.

Due to the experience I’m having with SOOCD… The false attraction to same gender and loss of attraction to opposite gender gender, I havnt been intimate with my wife for a while. Really struggling and it makes me just want to end it to be honest. Last night my wife and I had a argument about not being intimate and she said ‘you might as well be gay’ Well that put me in a horrendous spiral. I havnt slept and my anxiety is so high my chest feels like it’s crushing in. I’ve sweat all night. She doesn’t know what she’s done as she doesn’t really know about all my issues.

I’ve been meaning to ask this question, I’ve been diagnosed with SOOCD last year in November. But I had been struggling with SOOCD for around two years at that time before the diagnosis. Yet I still doubt the diagnosis almost every day. I didn’t continue therapy because I could t afford it. The anxiety symptoms or lower now and sometimes istimewa feels very meh like I don’t even want to answer the questions in my mind and other times it will implode and I’ll cry and feel so much pain in my heart. I cried the other night when I was watching on of chrissie Hodges’ videos. Because I felt so confused I can’t tell what’s real from time to time. I also wanted to ask if it’s normal to see pictures of men like really hot men and feel uncomfortable because I feel pressured to look and if I don’t look and check em out even when I don’t feel like it, I’d feel like I’m in denial and it’s exhausting and I tend to give up on responding to it and I’ll just feel like I’m hiding something and it’ll feel so uncomfortable. And then other times I’ll see a guy and turned on but I’ll still feel anxious and uncomfortable abit because of the thoughts. I’m straight and I do love men my fear is that I’m secretly bi because of the porn and the previous fantasizing I did when I was a teen. I’m 21 rn. It’s hard for me everyday I feel like I’m stuff acting in these negative emotions and like I just can’t breathe and be myself by solely trusting in myself. Because there’s constant doubt. And I’m a girl btw