anyone struggle with SOOCD in a relationship or married? i feel overwhelmed and alone right now. it feels so real.

Could someone lend me some kind words or make sense of what I might be going through? Any advice or suggestions is greatly appreciated Almost over a year now I had a nightmare or a dream which I saw me marrying another woman. I didn’t see her face,I didn’t know her name. It was the back of our heads during the dream. When I woke up; I was dumbfounded and I cannot explain how mortified and guilty I felt I spent up till now still ongoing - I’m struggling still for well over a year now. I have gone through multiple different emotions. That day it was almost like an epiphany but it wasn’t because I’ve been bi since about 14/15 years old, I have still chosen to sway towards men because I find them more attractive and that is who I want to be with eventually, a man. I remember that morning after waking up from the dream I was absolutely hysterical in the bathroom crying because I was just shocked like did this mean anything? did my preference change what does this mean for my relationship now? the overwhelming guilt and sadness and what is happening all at the same time just formed a massive spiral in my head and I can Still remember how this makes me feel. I have still hid this up until now from my partner because I’m worried how he will react if there is any big pieces of uncertainty like this were to come to him. I have constantly; almost every day gone through past experiences and if my previous experiences sexually being with women meant anything - making me questioning my whole identity questioning if my current relationship was just a lie ?it is tiring. It has worn me down to the bone and I feel emotionally exhausted and numb and I don’t know how to get out of it. I have tirelessly looked for answers within myself because I don’t want to burden anyone I know with my dilemma. I am no closer to finding an answer, it’s a constant spiral or circle - it’s ‘I’m happy’ to ‘I’m questioning’ to finding my ‘ answer’ then to getting temporary relief and then on repeat every single day. It’s not only now- it’s me reflecting on my whole life and trying to look for answers trying to piece the puzzle together but becoming no closer to the clarity or assurance I need and I just don’t know what to do. I’m not sure at this stage if it’s reality or if it’s OCD or just intrusive thoughts. I’ve been researching denial versus OCD and comparing those results to mine almost every single day. It’s been almost a year and I feel guilty because I feel like I’m a fraud. I feel like I can’t indulge in my own relationship and deepdown I know I still love him. I just don’t know how to reach it. looking at photos and cards that we’ve sent to one another makes me emotional because I remember how he made me feel and it’s of no fault with his own and it’s changed. I’ve been grieving a loss of losing my own partner for months now and he’s still here with me. I’m grieving about a relationship I’m still in but I’m grieving because my feelings have changed and I don’t know why. I miss being happy and love and not ever second thinking of future together. Every day I face the same emotional and mental torment of unsureness and uncertainty and the absolute urgency to figure it out right now but not ever coming to an answer that sticks. I have jumps between this obsession but also do I love him do I love him? Not do I want to be with him? Do I not want to be with him? Is he my person or is he not?

I’ve been meaning to ask this question, I’ve been diagnosed with SOOCD last year in November. But I had been struggling with SOOCD for around two years at that time before the diagnosis. Yet I still doubt the diagnosis almost every day. I didn’t continue therapy because I could t afford it. The anxiety symptoms or lower now and sometimes istimewa feels very meh like I don’t even want to answer the questions in my mind and other times it will implode and I’ll cry and feel so much pain in my heart. I cried the other night when I was watching on of chrissie Hodges’ videos. Because I felt so confused I can’t tell what’s real from time to time. I also wanted to ask if it’s normal to see pictures of men like really hot men and feel uncomfortable because I feel pressured to look and if I don’t look and check em out even when I don’t feel like it, I’d feel like I’m in denial and it’s exhausting and I tend to give up on responding to it and I’ll just feel like I’m hiding something and it’ll feel so uncomfortable. And then other times I’ll see a guy and turned on but I’ll still feel anxious and uncomfortable abit because of the thoughts. I’m straight and I do love men my fear is that I’m secretly bi because of the porn and the previous fantasizing I did when I was a teen. I’m 21 rn. It’s hard for me everyday I feel like I’m stuff acting in these negative emotions and like I just can’t breathe and be myself by solely trusting in myself. Because there’s constant doubt. And I’m a girl btw

It’s been pretty hard lately with my SOOCD and ROCD. While some may struggle with other manifestations, I on the other hand have to deal with the chronic anxiety that OCD brings. The thoughts feel like they’re in the back of my mind saying things about me and my relationship. They’re always there whispering and it’s gotten quite frustrating cause I can’t really enjoy the things I want to do. There are good times but damn is it annoying having to deal with the nausea the anxiety causes, the groinals and the false attraction that SOOCD brings. I’m thankful for my girlfriend that she tries to understand me and she really is my lifesaver. I know that my SOOCD and ROCD targets my love for her that’s why it gets stronger whenever I spend time with her. Fuck you OCD cause you ain’t ruining my love tor her. I try to be strong but damn is it hard. I’m finding myself back at square one where all symptoms are back and bad again. I’ve been doing compulsions, some occasional searching but more on constant rumination, repeating the same phrases and yeah admittedly compulsively looking here in this app to see if I relate to anyone. It sucks and I hate this. I hope you guys have tips on how to manage SOOCD and ROCD while in a relationship. I’ve had these themes for almost 2 years.