Recovery from suicidal OCD

I had suicidal ocd since I was 12 to when I was 16/17 I’m now 18 and can finally say I’m not terrified of that particular thought anymore. I was convinced my family and friends believed I was suicidal (but I clearly wasn’t suicidal) and I was paranoid thinking everything thought or everything I did was actually a clue that I was actually suicidal. I was never actually suicidal I just had such a strong belief that I used to avoid words with and “h” in, in case it sounded like hanging or avoid words with an “s” this gor to the point where I sent a year repeating every sentence I ever said to double check everyone had heard me correctly and didn’t think I was suicidal. I know it sounds illogical now but at the time I was convinced it made sense and I had to carry on doing it so my family wouldn’t think that of me. Then the intrusive thoughts that came with it were horrific. I used to get awful intrusive thoughts or people I loved hanging or covered in self harm it was awful I used to make the thoughts disappear but slowly turning the imagine into dust in my head. it was so tiring I had to constantly re read everything I’d written to make sure I hadn’t mentioned anything suicidal and because I was repeating phrases in my head to tell me it’s not real and everything is okay I would start writing down the phrases by accident and have to scribble it out in case anyone would find out why I was telling myself it was okay. I couldn’t speak to anyone about it because I was so scared and ashamed it was a massive secret for years that I thought I was taking to my grave I can now watch hanging scenes in films without the rope and person getting stuck in my head for weeks. I just want to tell you that there is nothing wrong with having scary shameful thoughts and you don’t need to prove to yourself or anyone that you aren’t suicidal because you can live with the uncertainty and you will be absolutely fine nothing bad will happen.

My suicidal thoughts were/are linked to my OCD. Anytime that I played into a compulsion, I would/still sometimes do tell myself that this is why I should do it or others would want me to. My compulsion was/still is sometimes convincing myself I have to die and ruminating about it. - it's gotten a lot better since I linked it to OCD. I understand most of the time that I'm playing into a compulsion.

im currently dealing with it i need to follow this.

Yup it’s not fun. Hence why I’m dreading work

Awesome thanks!!