- Username
- Natalia D
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 2y ago
Recovery from suicidal OCD
Anyone on here recover from suicidal OCD and want to tell me about their journey?
Anyone on here recover from suicidal OCD and want to tell me about their journey?
I had suicidal ocd since I was 12 to when I was 16/17 I’m now 18 and can finally say I’m not terrified of that particular thought anymore. I was convinced my family and friends believed I was suicidal (but I clearly wasn’t suicidal) and I was paranoid thinking everything thought or everything I did was actually a clue that I was actually suicidal. I was never actually suicidal I just had such a strong belief that I used to avoid words with and “h” in, in case it sounded like hanging or avoid words with an “s” this gor to the point where I sent a year repeating every sentence I ever said to double check everyone had heard me correctly and didn’t think I was suicidal. I know it sounds illogical now but at the time I was convinced it made sense and I had to carry on doing it so my family wouldn’t think that of me. Then the intrusive thoughts that came with it were horrific. I used to get awful intrusive thoughts or people I loved hanging or covered in self harm it was awful I used to make the thoughts disappear but slowly turning the imagine into dust in my head. it was so tiring I had to constantly re read everything I’d written to make sure I hadn’t mentioned anything suicidal and because I was repeating phrases in my head to tell me it’s not real and everything is okay I would start writing down the phrases by accident and have to scribble it out in case anyone would find out why I was telling myself it was okay. I couldn’t speak to anyone about it because I was so scared and ashamed it was a massive secret for years that I thought I was taking to my grave I can now watch hanging scenes in films without the rope and person getting stuck in my head for weeks. I just want to tell you that there is nothing wrong with having scary shameful thoughts and you don’t need to prove to yourself or anyone that you aren’t suicidal because you can live with the uncertainty and you will be absolutely fine nothing bad will happen.
Thank you! I am part of a profession with a high suicide rate and that scares me shitless
@Natalia D curious, what profession are you in?
@username255 Veterinarian
@Natalia D ahh yes. see i was in school for EMT and thats how i developed harm OCD.
@Natalia D so profession definitely has to do with it
My suicidal thoughts were/are linked to my OCD. Anytime that I played into a compulsion, I would/still sometimes do tell myself that this is why I should do it or others would want me to. My compulsion was/still is sometimes convincing myself I have to die and ruminating about it. - it's gotten a lot better since I linked it to OCD. I understand most of the time that I'm playing into a compulsion.
Thanks for the advice. I have depression as a compulsion which doesn’t make this any easier
@Natalia D Yeah, that sounds really difficult to manage with OCD. I'm always here to talk if you need someone.
@m00se Thank you. Is there a way to message people on the app?
@Natalia D I'm not sure. I will start a post to ask.
@Natalia D @natalia D how are you doing with this fear?
im currently dealing with it i need to follow this.
Yup it’s not fun. Hence why I’m dreading work
i feel that! suicidal OCD is horrible. i have no desire to die but the thought i could easily do it is so frightening and im scared my body will give in to doing it ugh.
@username255 Yup!!! And then I start to feel depressed about it
Awesome thanks!!
No problem!
@m00se There is not a way to DM, but always feel free to comment on one of my old threads or here if you need to talk!
Anybody have nice recovery stories? Personally I don’t believe the whole “OCD is something you manage, not cure” thing as I think it’s just the medicinal companies looking to have you popping pills your entire life. Anyways, I KNOW that recovery is possible, and I know that it’s very inspiring and motivating to hear from people that has been in OCD hell that got out on the other side. So please, if you have any stories, share! I can give you a little story; my mom got herself some bad Harm OCD when she got her first child, my big sister, and intense amounts of anxiety from the OCD and agoraphobia too. In the last 20 years, she’s had two panic attacks. She’s over it! She’s out and about and haven’t known intrusive thoughts for ages
I'd like to hear people's recovery stories with harm ocd. I need some encouragement.
Im curious about others experience, am aware this might be a compulsion, but i still think to recover from ocd you need to understand ocd. I recovered from other types of ocd cause i realized whats the pattern. So how bad yall suicidal ocd become? Mine was like i couldnt sleep, i had the thoughts in my mind all night, it was like i desperately wanted it, to escape from pain but the same time i felt so much guilt for it and i was afraid asf... i had that "theres something wrong with me, im in danger, i need help asp(thats why i dont like if people ask us do you feel like you are in danger...like i have ocd ofcourse i do...) But i cant move on from that, that it comes up when i stress out myself, i want to escape from the thoughts and i think "i want to die" this sounds like a real one. I even got there that it gave me a intrusive happiness or calmness feeling which made me afraid then that im in danger. So i cant tell it, i have guilt,.my mind constantly tell me im avoiding cause my therapist said im not in danger but i do want to escape from the pain(doesnt that makes me suicidal?) and i dont want to believe that cause it makes me feel bad about myself but my mind says i deny it thats why...I had this "escape from the thoughts" situation too when i had a "whats the point if we just suffer" thought, and these felt so real...
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