Natalia D
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
Recovery from suicidal OCD
Anyone on here recover from suicidal OCD and want to tell me about their journey?
rainbow18rainbow18
- Date posted
- 3y
I had suicidal ocd since I was 12 to when I was 16/17 I’m now 18 and can finally say I’m not terrified of that particular thought anymore. I was convinced my family and friends believed I was suicidal (but I clearly wasn’t suicidal) and I was paranoid thinking everything thought or everything I did was actually a clue that I was actually suicidal. I was never actually suicidal I just had such a strong belief that I used to avoid words with and “h” in, in case it sounded like hanging or avoid words with an “s” this gor to the point where I sent a year repeating every sentence I ever said to double check everyone had heard me correctly and didn’t think I was suicidal. I know it sounds illogical now but at the time I was convinced it made sense and I had to carry on doing it so my family wouldn’t think that of me. Then the intrusive thoughts that came with it were horrific. I used to get awful intrusive thoughts or people I loved hanging or covered in self harm it was awful I used to make the thoughts disappear but slowly turning the imagine into dust in my head. it was so tiring I had to constantly re read everything I’d written to make sure I hadn’t mentioned anything suicidal and because I was repeating phrases in my head to tell me it’s not real and everything is okay I would start writing down the phrases by accident and have to scribble it out in case anyone would find out why I was telling myself it was okay. I couldn’t speak to anyone about it because I was so scared and ashamed it was a massive secret for years that I thought I was taking to my grave I can now watch hanging scenes in films without the rope and person getting stuck in my head for weeks. I just want to tell you that there is nothing wrong with having scary shameful thoughts and you don’t need to prove to yourself or anyone that you aren’t suicidal because you can live with the uncertainty and you will be absolutely fine nothing bad will happen.
Natalia DNatalia D
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
Thank you! I am part of a profession with a high suicide rate and that scares me shitless
username255username255
- Date posted
- 3y
@Natalia D curious, what profession are you in?
Natalia DNatalia D
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
@username255 Veterinarian
username255username255
- Date posted
- 3y
@Natalia D ahh yes. see i was in school for EMT and thats how i developed harm OCD.
username255username255
- Date posted
- 3y
@Natalia D so profession definitely has to do with it
m00sem00se
- Date posted
- 3y
My suicidal thoughts were/are linked to my OCD. Anytime that I played into a compulsion, I would/still sometimes do tell myself that this is why I should do it or others would want me to. My compulsion was/still is sometimes convincing myself I have to die and ruminating about it. - it's gotten a lot better since I linked it to OCD. I understand most of the time that I'm playing into a compulsion.
Natalia DNatalia D
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
Thanks for the advice. I have depression as a compulsion which doesn’t make this any easier
m00sem00se
- Date posted
- 3y
@Natalia D Yeah, that sounds really difficult to manage with OCD. I'm always here to talk if you need someone.
Natalia DNatalia D
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
@m00se Thank you. Is there a way to message people on the app?
m00sem00se
- Date posted
- 3y
@Natalia D I'm not sure. I will start a post to ask.
AnonymousAnonymous
- Date posted
- 2y
@Natalia D @natalia D how are you doing with this fear?
username255username255
- Date posted
- 3y
im currently dealing with it i need to follow this.
Natalia DNatalia D
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
Yup it’s not fun. Hence why I’m dreading work
username255username255
- Date posted
- 3y
i feel that! suicidal OCD is horrible. i have no desire to die but the thought i could easily do it is so frightening and im scared my body will give in to doing it ugh.
Natalia DNatalia D
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
@username255 Yup!!! And then I start to feel depressed about it
Natalia DNatalia D
- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y
Awesome thanks!!
m00sem00se
- Date posted
- 3y
No problem!
m00sem00se
- Date posted
- 3y
@m00se There is not a way to DM, but always feel free to comment on one of my old threads or here if you need to talk!
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- Date posted
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- Date posted
- 21w
Suicidal OCD and harm OCD
I’ve recently been struggling a lot with OCD. I have had OCD for a long time I just didn’t realize it until more recently. About seven months ago I developed panic attacks one day randomly at work. I thought I was having a heart attack and went to the hospital where they told me it was just a panic attack and I assumed I would snap out and be better within a few days. However it didn’t. Here’s where it gets scary, I was staying at my then boyfriends house while dealing with blurry vision, anxiety attacks everyday, and more (unsure of what was going on). But at some point I saw my bfs (pew pew 🔫) on his table and it sent me into an anxiety attack after sudden thoughts that I was going to hurt myself with it. I begged him to put it away when I’m not looking so I didn’t know where he put it. He did. These thoughts lasted for about four days but began to go away. (I thought that was it and I would be back to normal). Unfortunately though I ended up moving back in with my family when we couldn’t get my panic attacks under control in time for me to get back to work and pay bills. However, coming home brought up a lot of trauma from when I was kid. My anxiety got worse but I didn’t have those thoughts again. About two and half months ago though, I got sick and went to the hospital where they gave me steroid pills and a steroid shot but sent me into some kind of psychiatric event. Ever since then though, I have been suffering from harm OCD, I have had moments of intense anger that I usually have to completely walk away and go on my own because of how intense they are, and it feels like it’s getting worse. Today I felt fine until about and hour and half ago where I started to dwell on the fact that my suicidal thought was influenced by my OCD and at the moment my OCD is at the worst it’s been. This caused me to get suddenly really depressed and I started crying thinking about how I can’t handle this. I then saw a post talking about how suicide rates are high for people with this form of OCD and it made me question if I am mentally strong enough to pull through this. I fear that at times I’m getting worse. I have good days but I have a lot of bad days. Unfortunately this sent me into such a bad panic attack I went over to my nanas crying about how I can’t deal with this. I took a 0.25 mg Xanax which helped calm down the panic attack portion of it but my brain is still uncomfortably active. I guess I just need hope. I’m so saddened by this. It’s like my life took a total 360 in 10 months and got even worse since the steroid shot. Idk what to do about it. I can’t stop the spiral. I talk to two different therapist weekly and start more next week, making it 5 times a week. I feel no improvements…
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