- User type
- OCD Conqueror
- Date posted
- 3y ago
Recovery from suicidal OCD
Anyone on here recover from suicidal OCD and want to tell me about their journey?
Anyone on here recover from suicidal OCD and want to tell me about their journey?
I had suicidal ocd since I was 12 to when I was 16/17 I’m now 18 and can finally say I’m not terrified of that particular thought anymore. I was convinced my family and friends believed I was suicidal (but I clearly wasn’t suicidal) and I was paranoid thinking everything thought or everything I did was actually a clue that I was actually suicidal. I was never actually suicidal I just had such a strong belief that I used to avoid words with and “h” in, in case it sounded like hanging or avoid words with an “s” this gor to the point where I sent a year repeating every sentence I ever said to double check everyone had heard me correctly and didn’t think I was suicidal. I know it sounds illogical now but at the time I was convinced it made sense and I had to carry on doing it so my family wouldn’t think that of me. Then the intrusive thoughts that came with it were horrific. I used to get awful intrusive thoughts or people I loved hanging or covered in self harm it was awful I used to make the thoughts disappear but slowly turning the imagine into dust in my head. it was so tiring I had to constantly re read everything I’d written to make sure I hadn’t mentioned anything suicidal and because I was repeating phrases in my head to tell me it’s not real and everything is okay I would start writing down the phrases by accident and have to scribble it out in case anyone would find out why I was telling myself it was okay. I couldn’t speak to anyone about it because I was so scared and ashamed it was a massive secret for years that I thought I was taking to my grave I can now watch hanging scenes in films without the rope and person getting stuck in my head for weeks. I just want to tell you that there is nothing wrong with having scary shameful thoughts and you don’t need to prove to yourself or anyone that you aren’t suicidal because you can live with the uncertainty and you will be absolutely fine nothing bad will happen.
Thank you! I am part of a profession with a high suicide rate and that scares me shitless
@Natalia D curious, what profession are you in?
@username255 Veterinarian
@Natalia D ahh yes. see i was in school for EMT and thats how i developed harm OCD.
@Natalia D so profession definitely has to do with it
My suicidal thoughts were/are linked to my OCD. Anytime that I played into a compulsion, I would/still sometimes do tell myself that this is why I should do it or others would want me to. My compulsion was/still is sometimes convincing myself I have to die and ruminating about it. - it's gotten a lot better since I linked it to OCD. I understand most of the time that I'm playing into a compulsion.
Thanks for the advice. I have depression as a compulsion which doesn’t make this any easier
@Natalia D Yeah, that sounds really difficult to manage with OCD. I'm always here to talk if you need someone.
@m00se Thank you. Is there a way to message people on the app?
@Natalia D I'm not sure. I will start a post to ask.
@Natalia D @natalia D how are you doing with this fear?
im currently dealing with it i need to follow this.
Yup it’s not fun. Hence why I’m dreading work
i feel that! suicidal OCD is horrible. i have no desire to die but the thought i could easily do it is so frightening and im scared my body will give in to doing it ugh.
@username255 Yup!!! And then I start to feel depressed about it
Awesome thanks!!
No problem!
@m00se There is not a way to DM, but always feel free to comment on one of my old threads or here if you need to talk!
Has anyone actually “conquered” OCD? I feel like I’ve never heard a story of someone actually overcoming it or living with it?
Hi everyone, I’m reaching out here because I know this community understands the daily battles of living with OCD. Recently, I hit a really dark place and tried to take my own life. It’s been hard to admit, but I’m still here, and I’m trying to find a way forward. OCD feels relentless sometimes—the intrusive thoughts, the constant doubt, the cycles that never seem to end. It became so overwhelming that I didn’t see a way out. I know I need help, and I’m working on reaching out to professionals, but I also wanted to connect here. To those who’ve been in a similar place: What helped you keep going? How do you manage the darkest moments when OCD takes over? I feel like I’m holding on by a thread, but I’m holding on. Any advice, words of encouragement, or personal experiences would mean so much to me right now. Thank you for reading this, and for being part of a space where we can be honest about our struggles.
Looking back, I realize I’ve had OCD since I was 7. though I wasn’t diagnosed until I was 30. As a kid, I was consumed by fears I couldn’t explain: "What if God isn’t real? What happens when we die? How do I know I’m real?" These existential thoughts terrified me, and while everyone has them from time to time, I felt like they were consuming my life. By 12, I was having daily panic attacks about death and war, feeling untethered from reality as depersonalization and derealization set in. At 15, I turned to drinking, spending the next 15 years drunk, trying to escape my mind. I hated myself, struggled with my body, and my intrusive thoughts. Sobriety forced me to face it all head-on. In May 2022, I finally learned I had OCD. I remember the exact date: May 10th. Reading about it, I thought, "Oh my God, this is it. This explains everything." My main themes were existential OCD and self-harm intrusive thoughts. The self-harm fears were the hardest: "What if I kill myself? What if I lose control?" These thoughts terrified me because I didn’t want to die. ERP changed everything. At first, I thought, "You want me to confront my worst fears? Are you kidding me?" But ERP is gradual and done at your pace. My therapist taught me to lean into uncertainty instead of fighting it. She’d say, "Maybe you’ll kill yourself—who knows?" At first, it felt scary, but for OCD, it was freeing. Slowly, I realized my thoughts were just thoughts. ERP gave me my life back. I’m working again, I’m sober, and for the first time, I can imagine a future. If you’re scared to try ERP, I get it. But if you’re already living in fear, why not try a set of tools that can give you hope?
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