Just want people to respond

The only way of treating myself is to be uncertain about whether or not I’ll do something to a child in the future? Being uncertain about being a potential pedo? About how my worst fears could be true? This isn’t something that I can just say “maybe, maybe not”… this is about me having to live with the uncertainty that I may or may not be the worst type of monster in this entire planet…

@745 I suggest to you to inform yourself how OCD works, if you had down that, like you said you did by saying you followed my suggestions (which is not a must, of course, but you just said you did), you'd know that already... Again, you can post your thoughts and seek for reassurance, but you have neither the right to demand a response, nor getting reassurance.

@Zoë_84 I’ve been trying to do erp and the maybe, maybe nots… I’m trying to do what I can… but when it makes it feel so real then it becomes an absolute panic and brings me down to despair so much so… I’m not trying to demand any responses from anybody… I’m not trying to be combative in my responses and just explain my situations in a calm way…

@745 Just my two cents... Your OCD sounds severe, if I was you, I'd talk to an ERP for OCD specialist...

@Zoë_84 Don’t have the money for therapy or insurance… I don’t have any books… I’ve emailed so many specialists and organizations… all I have is this community… at this point this is the real me… I put up fake smiles and stuff every day because of this… I have had thoughts of dying for nearly 720 days now… this isn’t living… I’m not living… I’m in the only place where people understand… where people I presume care… I hate myself so much… I hate this so much… I hate everything so much… the only thing I have to myself is pain and suffering every day because of this… all I really have right now is this community… my family doesn’t understand it… my friends don’t understand it… I have nothing… but this community… this place is where I can actually talk about my struggles and issues… talking to people makes me feel like I’m not alone… I can’t take this anymore…

@745 I get most of my information online, from serious websites, like nocd, manhattan cbt, not tiktok, or reddit...

@Zoë_84 Those information is for free

@Zoë_84 I don’t use TikTok or Reddit… this site is the only place where I try to understand if what I have is OCD and feel like I belong somewhere… because I don’t have anyone else…

I just had an intrusive thought of a real event (I have real event OCD) and it’s like all of a sudden the anxious feeling is gone… it’s making me feel like I’m not anxious and I don’t like it

What’s worse is that the intrusive thoughts are suddenly gone as well… like the intrusive thoughts and the anxious feelings are gone and replaced with a “chilly” feeling… I don’t like it at all… I don’t ever want to ever be a P or a chomo in any way

I’ve been trying to do what people have been suggesting to me… but it’s not working… it’s feeling worse and worse and now its making me feel like I’m cold without the intrusive thoughts…

I want to try you know? But being uncertain and leaving things up to chance is sooo difficult… I’ve been suffering this for two years now… I also have POCD, and real event OCD. When I’m reading peoples stories on real event OCD it starts making me feel anxious and I get intrusive thoughts of “oh you did something very bad”… and it makes me feel like I’m accepting it when I dont want to be… when it makes it feel so real and the intrusive thoughts tell you that you did something really bad, it makes me feel like I’m suffering so so so much… plus when I try to reassure myself and say I didn’t do what my intrusive thoughts are tellling me, it gives me more intrusive thoughts of being in denial… like just now that I’m getting intrusive thoughts of the incident and it’s making me feel like I’m slowly not getting anxious about it which scares me 😭😭😭

@745 Hey! I read your comments and I'm so sorry you feel that way. And I totally get that it isn't just an uncertainty for you but it decides for you if you are a monster or not. But that is the thing ; living with the horrible anxiety and uncertainty is what is gonna clear up your brain in the long run! The longer you sit with those feelings, the less they'll occur. Because with overthinking all this, you are providing reaction to those thoughts that deserve no reaction bc they are ocd, you are engaging with the idea of a person that you are not! Always remember. A bad person will never feel bad about their actions. Ocd tells you that you are the exact opposite of what you value the most! Please get some information on how ocd works and that you are feeding it with rumination (overthinking) and that ERP is a solution for the long run!! It's proven! Ocd is like a Bully, and the less reaction you provide, the less interested it will get in bullying you. I know that you can do all of that, we as community are here for you and all hope for you to find some information, YouTube provides all sorts of free and informative and also step by step content! You got this!!