In a desperate place/any helpful thoughts or advice welcomed.

First, know that I don't plan to kill myself and I am not suicidal. When I feel like my life is killing me (toxic relationships, lots of comorbid MH issues), it's hard, bc it's like being run over by an 18-wheeler truck, every. single. day. And when a terrible event happens, it's like I'm being run over by 50 18-wheeler trucks within a span of 1 minute. I still feel grateful for a lot of beauty and soul in my life too, but in certain moments, like in a CRASH, everything immediate, feels PAINFUL, SCARY, ISOLATING. Even with therapy, groups, and all. My MH supporters' answer is: MEDICINE. I want to get better without it. But as the guy I spoke to on the suicide prevention hotline said "Where has avoiding medicine gotten you all these years?" He had a point. I am really scared of taking medicine, not judging it, of having chemicals alter my mind. This page, and friends who've shared experiences, share a lot of horror stories about it. And my depression has gotten better before with a therapist I can no longer see because I can't afford to see her. I can only see a therapist at NOCD, for only ERP, because that's the only thing my insurance will cover. Any thoughts, personal experiences, things you can share, will be helpful. I have family, I have friends, but some of this stuff can feel impossible to talk to them about. And when I'm a complete wreck, speaking incoherently through sobs, snot coming out of my nose, I struggle to even more. Hence my calling the Suicide Prevention Hotline for the first time. And writing something this personal and vulnerable here.

Username: VioletRoseVioletRose

Date posted: 2y ago

Good for you for reaching out. I would agree that you should consider meds. I know there are side effects and I agree they are not a panacea. But they sure helped my suicidal daughter regain control of her life. And my other daughter has finally seen a reduction in her ocd symptoms. It can take a while. Like 3 months or more before you will start to feel at all better. But if you can stick with it and trust the process I can tell you from personal experience it will give you enough of a boost that you can then do the work that you know you can do.

Username: NicaNica

Date posted: 2y ago

There’s no shame in at least trying to do medication if your ERP therapist thinks it’d be a good help to you. You’re going to take medication so it’ll help ease the anxiety and depression so you can do the ERP exercises easier.

Username: bluejaybluejay

Date posted: 2y ago

I had a similar experience, part of what helped me was recognizing I didn’t have to do this alone, and that includes medicine. God has given us many miracles and modern medicine is one of them. I would suggest trying it and if it isn’t successful, try a different med. it does help to have some relief.

Username: ARTnotOCDARTnotOCD

Date posted: 2y ago

I think what helped me be more open to meds is that I have to take them for other things because of autoimmune diseases. That honestly freed me up to try MH meds. Sure, it can take a while to find your MH med unicorn, but oh when you do! It doesn’t fix everything, but it weeds out a lot of mental crap so that the ERP and other work you put in has a better chance to go further. The only other suggestions I have you’ve probably already heard. Stay hydrated, meditate, try to eat healthy, sleep right, …. Try to do something each day, a tiny walk can be amazing. Even if you have no motivation and don’t actually get any pleasure from an activity you usually do, keep doing it. (Sometimes faking it helps.) Like Cooper of Twin Peaks said, give yourself a gift every day. And I also think snuggling a pup or even just looking at one helps. 💪🏼💜🐶

Username: Naeun

Date posted: 5y ago

Hey guys I’d love your opinion on some stuff! I’ve had my first instrusive thought about being depressed/suicidal on September 13th 2017. I got intrusive thoughts where I had depression and thought I was gonna end up killing myslef to a point where I really convinced myself I was depressed and would constantly look up depression symptoms. Then it somehow became into thoughts being bisexual cause I thought a girl was super super super pretty which was October 28th, 2017 but this spiraled into Harm/killer OCD thoughts after watching a violent scene in the movies and thought I enjoyed it and it’s been torture for me ever since. A year later here I am. Harm OCD has prolly been the hardest! At first I was so bad when I was scared to talk to people and felt guilty becoming friends with them Because they’re Talking to a serial killer. Some days are good. Some days are terrible. I can’t stay out too long and feel anxious going to places sometimes because it might spike my killer thoughts again. If I was able to survive a year without meds do you guys think I’ll be able to get rid of this killer thoughts without meds? I’m convinced where therapy won’t ever help me... and I gonna suffer like This forever. I have health insurance and I don’t know where to start and who to go to.

Username: hannahj99

Date posted: 1y ago

Newbie that’s confused and scared of meds

Hello everyone! I have been through a whirlwind of mental health struggles but OCD feels like it might be “running the show” and I didn’t know if anyone else could relate The first time I got told I was struggling with ocd was by a therapist only a few months ago who said I “fall under the cloud of harm ocd” This lead me to a downward spiral because I had never had a mental health diagnosis before and I was so scared right away that nobody would believe me or help me. I feel like my life has been so out of control over the last few months. I’m dealing with some other things such as big life changes and identity crisis (fresh out of college, no longer a student athlete, came out to my family). I had to leave my first job as an icu nurse for the immense distress it caused me as i was working day/night rotating shifts and being triggered unknowingly to some trauma that I didn’t even know I was holding onto. I now experience heavy mood swings and dissociation at times related to ptsd and I feel like life just isn’t the same. I’m in such a tough spot because I seem to have a fear of being misdiagnosed/improperly treated, a fear of taking meds, a fear of unintentionally harming myself, and my needs for safety reassurance are so strong that I’m back home with my parents and scared to do anything. I’m a nurse as well so I know way too much about the meds and side effects. At the end of the day, the logical part of my brain wants meds to help me , but the fear or starting meds, the side effects, and the trial and error of them not knowing what will work leaves me stuck and feeling hopeless. I always end up thinking that I could just feel better if I jumped back into my normal busy life, but when I do so and get triggered (ocd or ptsd) I am left hopeless and begging my parents to get me on meds. Each appointment though leads to significant anxiety and like I have to say every single detail , which ends in me getting frustrated and confused not wanting to take meds after all because i don’t think they have the full picture. I had a bad experience with Zoloft bringing out manic symptoms when I first started it. It was terrifying. I’ve been switching provider to provider trying to find someone I trust, but in the mean time my anxiety is worsening and I feel more confused of what my symptoms really are in the first place. I have Xanax that I can take 3x daily but I don’t like feeling like I’m going to get addicted to it if I keep taking it and avoid getting on long term meds. I don’t trust any doctors and I feel the need to tell them every single little detail which I feel like leads to further frustration and maybe even impaired treatment plans. I’m sorry if this is a lot but I’m really struggling and needing some support and guidance 😭

Username: Anonymous78

Date posted: 46w ago

A very long and hopeful message!

For the past 3 months, I’ve been dealing with a sort of forced exposure in my life that has involved two of my themes (relationship and moral scrupulosity) in a very real way. A mixture of real relationship struggles, world events and conflicts have forced me to really address the top of my fear hierarchy, ready or not. I’m not gonna lie. It has SUCKED and there have been MANY days when I could not function normally. I had lots of insomnia, trouble eating, not being able to be productive or feel enjoyment. My mind felt so dark and scary. It felt like hell, mentally and physically. But I’m slowly getting better at accepting uncertainty. (There’s a lot of it in my life right now!) I went on Luvox after being off of meds for a year and at the moment it seems to be helping! My intrusive thoughts are still there just…less intrusive. The problems triggering my anxiety aren’t gone. Things might resolve. They might get worse. My relationship could progress positively. It could end badly. These are all real possibilities and I would obviously be deeply upset by a negative outcome. But right now I’m choosing to just 🤷🏻‍♀️ and live in the moment. That’s a big deal for me because my whole life I’ve been so bad at that. I’m focusing on developing good habits and self-care. One of the best tools my therapist taught me was “Do I really need to know this to _____?” Do I need to know how this conflict is going to turn out in order to wake up, go to work, play my music or hang out with my friends? Nope! I’m just taking it moment by moment and task by task. The thoughts are still there and they still suck, but they sting less. I’ve been taking baby steps that might seem insignificant to some ERP pros, but I think it’s working! I could totally feel panicked tomorrow and start ruminating again. But right now I’m OK, and I’m OK with right now. This super long message is to say that even after what feels like hell, there can be hope and you CAN improve. Your baby steps—even just increased awareness—make a difference. It’s not gonna be linear but there will be moments of respite! Just keep going even if you feel like you can’t! Every tiny step is a huge victory and really makes a difference❤️✨

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In a desperate place/any helpful thoughts or advice welcomed.

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