Afraid I won't recover

Omg I didn't know needing a higher dose could be the reason for that muted feeling. During my last psychiatrist appointment, she asked if I still wanted to up the dose to 100mg or remain at 75mg, and I decided to NOT up the dosage, which I'm currently regretting lol. Luckily, I'm going to be seeing her in a little over a week, so I'll bring it up then. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not back at square one... Things just haven't felt THIS real since December. Like, I feel awful about the thoughts I'm having. Sometimes, it'll feel like I'm building onto them, and I can't tell if it's intrusive or I'm purposely doing thinking of things. But I'd give almost anything to not live with these thoughts. Harm OCD terrified me when I first dealt with it, but it's gotten easier for me to defuse. POCD, on the other hand, is the worst theme I've lived with thus far. It's just... the worst. I'm trying to hold onto hope that I'll overcome it one day. I've seen it happen for others, so I know it's possible. This community is genuinely such a lifesaver. I'd be left feeling completely isolated and misunderstood without it. I'm eternally grateful to you and everyone else I've interacted with on here 🥹❤️‍🩹 We did talk about hormones. They're definitely involved with this downward spiral I'm in currently. I have actually looked into PMDD before, but I think for me, it's just PMS. I definitely get depressed during this time of the month (leading up to it and a bit after), but it hasn't ever been to a point where I'm... super concerned. It's manageable. I'll look into magnesium glycinate, though. I think we might own some, actually. I'll ask my psychiatrist about adding additional medications, too. Even if it doesn't end up helping, it doesn't hurt to try it. I'm up for anything at this point lol Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone, and thank you for reminding me of the progress I've made. It's easy to forget sometimes. Again, thank you so, so much. I genuinely appreciate the support you've given me during these difficult moments. I'll never forget it. I'm here if you need to talk as well! 🫂

@nae nae I’m really glad you’ll be seeing your psychiatrist soon :) Hopefully, she can offer you some valuable insight. From what I’ve heard, OCD often requires higher doses of medication than usual, sometimes higher than typical antidepressant dosages. Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I think you mentioned you’re on sertraline? The max dose is like 200mg, but for OCD, it can go up to 400mg *I think*. Your post reminded me of a TikTok I saw a couple of months ago where a woman talked about her experience with antidepressants. She said that her doctor suggested increasing her dose, but she was skeptical at first. A week later, though, she was feeling so much better, she was back to doing things she enjoyed, like wearing colorful earrings, and she felt incredibly grateful because she had felt so “greyed out” before. I’ve heard similar stories from others as well. I’m really happy to hear that you’ve had a good couple of months. That’s such an encouraging sign and shows that progress is possible 💗. Proud of you for all that progress. Regarding building on thoughts, I completely get it, I struggle with that too. It’s concerning, but it seems like it’s definitely related to OCD, probably a compulsion. I’ve noticed that I tend to do it more when my anxiety is lower, if that makes sense. I spoke to my therapist about this, and she agreed that the key is to treat it like an intrusive thought no matter how much I expand on it. Even if you bring up or keep thinking about a thought without feeling much anxiety, just treat it intrusively. Don’t analyze it, don’t dwell on it. The more you analyze, the more you feed the OCD. It’s really hard not to analyze, I know. As I’m typing this, I’m feeling some anxiety from my own expanded thoughts 🥲, but I’m doing my best to resist the urge to analyze them. Trust me, you’re not alone in this. No matter how the thought came up, no matter how much you expanded on it, it’s still an intrusive thought. OCD makes us fixate on these thoughts, making them seem more real or urgent. If we didn’t have OCD, we’d probably just dismiss them or laugh them off (maybe be momentarily concerned with the more heavy thoughts, but still move on) It makes sense that you’re struggling with almost fearing being a bad person because of these thoughts. But remember, everyone experiences intrusive thoughts, it’s just that with OCD, we tend to fixate on them more. A lot of people don’t even register their intrusive thoughts, let alone keep thinking about them. It’s like static from a radio when you’re trying to hear the music. We create more static to see if it still sounds like static because either we get used to static or we’re afraid our feelings have changed about the static, and that simply CANNOT be because we HATE the static (the average person barely notices it and we have to learn to tolerate it too). We recreate the static to see if we still feel the same way about it. When it feels like our reaction to the static hasn’t been enough, we end up focusing on it, creating more of it. Maybe if it’s louder or if there’s more static, we’ll finally react to it. I think this is a compulsive habit that we’re not supposed to analyze. In my case, I rarely realize I’m doing a compulsion. I’ll do something that feels a little off, and it’s only later that I’ll stop and think, “What was that?” Then I might come to the conclusion that it was probably some sort of OCD-related compulsion. But even after everything makes sense, I still don’t fully believe it because it feels like everyone should know exactly what their compulsion is when they do it. And that sends me into a loop between the compulsion over and over again to see if it actually feels like a compulsion. I know it’s dumb, but that’s what happens with me lol. I think your reasons are there on a subconscious level, like mine, and it’s hard to realize it. It’s a compulsive habit, and the key is not to analyze it and do your best to stop when you realize it. I know it’s easier said than done, and trust me, I struggle with this too. I’m really grateful to be able to talk with you about this. We’re both going through something similar, and it’s honestly nice to be able to discuss it. I’m always here for you, and I really appreciate you being here for me as well. I always look forward to hearing from you 💕💛🫂 .. I’m sorry for such a long message 🫶🏻

I'm seeing a psychiatrist, and my next appointment with her is in a little over a week, but I don't have a therapist. I've been wanting to start with NOCD, though. At first, I thought I might be able to manage on my own, but I can't, and I wish I'd sought out a therapist earlier. Hopefully, I'll be able to find one who is able to help me.

@nae nae I just signed up here as well, as I’m having major flare and meds aren’t helping through it. Hopefully ERP can help us 🙏

@Anonymous1990 I really do hope so. We'll get through this 🫂🤍

Thank you for this comment. I truly, truly do appreciate it. I'll definitely be looking into how much it'll cover. I know NOCD accepts my insurance. In the meantime, I'll do my best to stay positive and remind myself that this is all a part of healing 🥹🤍

They helped quiet things when I first began taking them, but I don't know what's going on right now :( Hopefully, it'll pass eventually. I don't want to have to go through the process of weening off meds and finding another one. It'll take months, and I'm exhausted. What meds are/were you taking?

I'm very grateful for the life I've had, but bad childhood experiences/memories resurfacing and OCD are kicking my butt right now. Life will have its hardships, but up until a year ago, I didn't struggle with OCD this much. Ever since I got badly triggered, it's been non-stop. It's just overwhelming. I'm at an age where I should be going through a major transition into adulthood, but instead, I'm currently stuck figuring out how to sort through unresolved trauma and OCD. I'm sorry to hear that you suffered greatly in the early years of your life. I want you to know that you're strong, and I'm proud of you for persevering. Thank you for reminding me that I'm not alone. We're all going to get through this. One day at a time 🤍

@nae nae - I am so sorry for the late response. May I help you to resolve this trauma? I've been working on this myself, but have you ever thought of overwriting your memories? Like overwriting save data in a video game?? It helps a ton. <3 It's hard to do, but it's so worth it. <3

@🖤SavageGirl🖤 Sorry for responding so late. I've been offline for a week or so :) When you say overwriting my memories, what do you mean? How would I go about doing that?

@nae nae - No problem! Similar to recreating, except someone else, someone you trust, would make it positive. There's a specific hoodie that I had lent to someone who SAd me, but then I asked my fiance if he would wear it and we could just snuggle, and the newer memory of snuggling with him or seeing him wear it helped to overwrite the bad memory. I felt uncomfortable at first, but knowing that he won't hurt me helped a ton.

@nae nae - Whether it's the same/similar environment or using whatever is tied to that memory, you can create a new memory, no matter how close to the original you get. Just like how a place you used to love you might now hate.