Scripts

Lists lists lists, bane of my life. Since I would say last 4 years any worry that pops in my mind I put down on the notes app on my phone then come back to it sometime. Is this OCD?

I used to keep journals, but lately OCD has stopped me from journaling. It's like I'm afraid to write down my fears, but I'm also afraid to write down positive feelings in case I somehow "jinx" it. I am wondering if anyone has experienced this and if so, any strategies that has helped them? Or journaling strategies to combat OCD? Do you maybe have a separate journal for fears?

I actually didn't realise this til now because I just assumed it was a coping mechanism from when I was really young. But when I tend to get stressed out or overwhelmed, I'll often start talking out loud to myself (which mostly means just whispering to myself because if i spoke really loudly, my mom would hear me lol). But nowadays with my fear of being surveilled, I keep having to catch myself because it's such a habit at this point for me to whisper out loud. Especially with me trying to reason through my false memories or really bad intrusive thoughts. Another compulsion. And then I keep thinking omg did I have my phone with me when I said that. Is anyone watching me rn? What if this person (that probably doesn't even exist) thinks my thoughts are true? What would everyone else think? And then I spiral afterwards. It sucks because I feel like I'm policing myself even when I know these are all just things I'm saying out loud and they don't mean anything— they're just thoughts after all. But I have this worry that if someone overheard me or all of this was suddenly revealed, that it might change how people see me or people might hate me or think i'm a bad person. And then I worry about me being worried about that because then I ask myself would a good person be worried about this? Anyways, another long post with me waffling and rambling. Thank you for taking the time to read this ❤️‍🩹