I think I might be becoming a bad and miserable person because of my past.
Recently a lot of people are being exposed for manipulating a child or person, and I started to think back if I ever did such thing. I think I did as a kid, but Idk. When I was a kid, sexting or virtual sex was a thing ( there was no nudes or anything very explicit, it wasn’t that far. Kid would just pretend to do the sex thing). It was very common ( it might have not been for you, but I would see this in video games) for some reason, and I was kind of into it but weirded out by it. I’m glad kids nowadays don’t do that anymore, but when I was a kid I gave it somewhat a try. It’s weird to explain, but this is what happened.
I was about 12-14 years old, I don’t remember what age, but all I remembered is that it was the start of me going through puberty. I played this game called “second life.” It was a virtual social game, where you meet up and hangout with people virtually. It’s like vr chat, but not vr. Anyways, a girl invited me to her virtual house. I quickly accepted it invitation because...you know... I was a kid and my mind was like “oh my god, I finally have a online gf” I entered her virtual house, and we were playing truth or dare, then got bored. (I’m sorry this is we’re it gets weird) she asked “now what?” And then I asked if she wanted to go to the bedroom. She said sure. My heart was beefing fast and I was aroused because I felt like I had a gf ( when I say gf, I don’t really mean gf, it was a think kids would say when they hung out with a girl) and I never did this before I think, I hope it was the first and only. (This is very weird ik) This is we’re things got sexual. Once we got there, you know....think you know we’re it was headed. I asked if she has a emote dance that can re-enacts the doggie style. She said yeah, and we did the disgusting thing. I don’t think we said much of anything sexual because weird kids and we’re scared to type anything sexual. I might be wrong I don’t remember much of the conversations. All I remember was that we just had our avatars do the actions and just watched.
30s of that weird disgusting thing, and my arousal then climaxed. I freaked out when I climaxed. I started to realized this was a weird and disgusting thing. I was mostly scared of the climax because I felt like it was unnatural. I was scared of what just happened, and so I quickly told the girl to stop. She stopped, and I idk if she asked why or anything. I was too weirded out and just said “I have to go. Bye” she said ok. And I left. I deleted everything. I deleted the game and swore to never touch that game ever again because I thought it was evil. I think I also delete other social games that had similarities to that game. I never wanted to ever interact with a person online because that experience felt very disgusting and regrettable.
Years later, I a 16 year old, find out about YouTuber manipulating underage fans. And I see my little cousins talk about their online bfs and gfs. I remember the disgusting situation that I took part when I was a kid. The I started to get scared. What if that “gf” was way younger than me? What if I manipulated her and I caused irreversible physiological damage? The whole interaction from when I was invited to the end of the interaction lasted only like 5-10 mins, I might be wrong though. I feel very horrible and miserable. I have no idea who the other person is that was the first and last time I ever interacted with them. I think I might have asked for their age, and it was my age, but I don’t remember. Maybe they were my age, and so that’s why we continued to be “bf and gf” during the interaction (not really big and gf, it a thing kids used to say) I feel bad for the other person. It felt like we both liked each other, but the possibility of the unknown age gap scares me. I feel like I did no damage to the person because it ended very quickly, but the possibility that I did still whispers to me.
I’ve been starting to hate myself recently because of this. Maybe I deserve it, I have no idea. I don’t know how to look at that situation. I could make the argument that we were just two dumb kids who did something stupid or It could be seen as me manipulating and hurt someone. I don’t know what to think of it or how to feel. I now am starting to believe my existence should not be allowed to continue. I feel like I am not allowed to be happy at all. My family invites me to do fun stuff and hangout with them, but I reject their offers because I feel like I should just rot in my bed. I never felt very miserable and it hurts, but I feel like I deserve to be hurt. I might not deserve anything good I get in my life for what I might have done to the person.
This might be the first time I ever spoke about this. I need some guidance in my life. What are your thoughts about all of this? Have you ever been in a similar situation? How should I feel about the situation? Am the evil person who hurt someone or were we both just dumb kids? Anything will help me. I’m going to tell this to my therapist m, but I feel like she might not help me. I feel likes it a “you screwed up your life” type of situation.
Anyways I hope you have a great day wether you hate me or not. Thank you if you have read this far?
