So I posted before about feeling great and now I don’t again. Ironic. I’ve had this thought a million times but I can’t stop thinking why would I think and worry about this everyday for nearly 5 years if it wasn’t true? Sometimes I am shocked at the amount of time wasted because it doesn’t feel like 5 years but they’ve went by almost without me noticing. Probably not in for a good night

I can’t stop feeling like maybe I’m just trash. And when I’m not ruminating, it’s been pretty alright the past few days in that sense.. I feel like “why do I not care that I can potentially be such a shitty person????” When I do care. A lot. To the point I’ve been on one thing for months. But then again I’m on one thing for months.. then it feels like the next something is even worse and I’m onto that thing for the next few months. I go back and fourth from them for months. And it makes me wonder that what if I keep getting into these scenarios because I’m just fucking shit and I want to be here I am meant to be trash I’m lying to my own self about who I am truly. It starts all over again. Though it never really stops. It’s always there. It’s just hard tonight.

Sometimes I worry that I don’t have ocd and that I’m losing my mind and that I’ll never feel better again. I was starting to feel really good last night and I thought it was finally over so I went ahead and did a lot of the stuff I enjoyed doing before this happened (the reason I had to stop was because certain things were triggering in either one way or another) but eventually I hit a point where I just could not bring myself to do something because it was causing too much anxiety. I got this horrible image last night in a dream and then I began to get a flurry of bothersome thoughts, so now I have 2 obsessions to worry about now. The first one is kind of in control but I’m just afraid what’s going to happen to my brain and I’m worried about having an episode in front of my family, who I’m supposed to be having a small dinner with today. I don’t want to tell them what’s going on but I’m afraid they’ll notice that I’m not well. I’m never present because I’m always in my head analyzing and ruminating and worrying. The feeling last night gave me hope that I could be myself again but I just worry that these thoughts will always linger and make me lose my mind. :(

I'm honestly not feeling well tonight. Things usually feel negative at night. My mind as usual keeps thinking too hard and I can't relax. I haven't felt the feeling of true relaxation in a long time. That meaning no worrisome thoughts, no weird feelings, no trouble breathing, and no chest tightness. I was just laying down googling and listening to a YouTube video until I got tired and doze off. Then I woke up gasping for air. Before I went for the nap, it felt harder to breathe as I was laying down. As if my body was going into fight or flight over basically nothing. I hate this. It's very annoying. I also always feel tense in an area like my left hip, shoulder blades, my head feeling heavy, or my back. I really hate this.