OCD about event that happened

My OCD gives me this constant fear that I could be pregnant even though I have never had sex. When I’m with my boyfriend and I’m in his lap and we’re doing nothing but kissing I am afraid that sperm is somehow going to get near me and can get me pregnant, even with 4 layers of clothes between us. It’s very frustrating, especially since I know it’s impossible. The what if’s just make me miserable.

My OCD is a little odd. I have intrusive thoughts about my loved ones getting hurt, mostly my girlfriend being raped. She’s in the army and you hear such horrible stories and I’ll be at my internship (we have a lot of people who have been sexually abused there) and I’m worried that since the people who need to share their stories make me spiral and spend twenty minutes trying to convince myself she’s not being by one of her fellow soldiers, that I’m not cut out to be a psychologist. They always get graphic and I end up convinced it’s actually happening. We’ve talked about it and she said she takes precautions and she’s mostly around women (only comforted me a little. I’ve been sexually abused by a woman) and that she’ll be fine and that if something does happen she’ll tell me, but still. It scares me so much. Like, how do you deal with graphic intrusive thoughts of someone you love with all your heart- someone you may want to marry down the road- being penetrated against her will? It’s so terrifying and I think it might be interfering with my work.

I feel like I am going insane. My ocd has never been this bad before. I’m waking up every morning with extreme dehabilitating anxiety. I am gagging and using the restroom all of the time. My pocd has reached an all time high. I work in a law firm and read a very disturbing case involving child abuse and child pornography. Ever since my world has been twisted upside down. I feel like the line is so thin. Like anyone can cross it in a split second and their world can be flipped upside down in an instant. I have a daughter of my own and that night after having read that story at work, my intrusive thoughts and feelings were at an all time high. I was changing her diaper and had intrusive thoughts which I knew was going to, givin the triggering and emotionally draining day I had. I quickly pushed them out of my head and then what happened next is some what of a blur because I have spent the last five days ruminating it over and over and over again in my head. I was trying to get her to lay down in her crib and she kept standing up. I was gonna lay her down in a way that required me to maneuver her with one hand and that one hand would be in between her legs, over her clothes and her diaper. I see people carry and handle their babies like this all of the time but I always avoid it. This time I didn’t. I fought the compulsion to move my hand. Because it is in fact, not a sexual thing at all. But in my mind I had it made out to be. I remember moving her super quickly in that fashion and immediately feeling guilt like I did it in a malicious sexual way. Even though the movement itself is not sexual at all, because it has been in my mind forever as a sexual place I’ve always avoided it. I was attempting to fight the compulsion and now as a result because I didn’t move my hand, I feel like I have done something horrible. I feel so guilty. All because of a quick 5 second movement. I keep imagining me without my daughter, going to jail, her not having me, my family disowning me. I can’t handle the immense amount of emotional distress I am feeling because of this event. I keep feeling like I could’ve moved her in a different way, why did I have to move Her in the way that required my hand to be between her legs? Was it me trying to somehow act out on the intrusive thoughts I had previously? I am so torn apart by this. I would never ever intentionally hurt my baby. Ever. My biggest fear is her being abused. In an attempt to stand up to my ocd and desexualize that specific action, it has launched me into the worst ocd episode of my life.