I don’t want to post the same things all the time but I’m having a shitty moment. I’m crying by myself in my room like I have everyday for so long. I’m so sick of thinking about my sexuality and sex every minute of everyday. Anything and everything becomes sexual evidence of some sort. I was doing something at work that involved pushing with my fingers and I had a thought of it being sexual. I’m terrified to ever be touched by anyone and I have no interest in any relationship ever anymore because I just want to be alone. I couldn’t even hug my best friend of 5 years without coming close to crying because I was scared. Scared of hugging my best friend! Everyday is the same, I do the same googling and watch the same videos and think up the same scenarios to test how I feel about them. The only thing stopping me from doing anything to myself is my parents. And every time I have a suicidal thought I go downstairs and see them and feel bad. The scariest part is I’m going to be home alone for a few weeks soon and I’m terrified. Again sorry for posting similar things all the time I just have nobody else.

@spyro I consider therapy a lot when I feel okay but most of the time I’m just absolutely petrified because it feels real, and it doesn’t feel like OCD so I worry that I’ll go just for them to tell me I have a sexuality crisis. Because I’m constantly thinking about my sexuality I just feel like it’s real questioning and maybe I’m just trying to blame it on a disorder. I told two of my friends about 4 years ago and they both just thought I was coming out to them and weren’t really listening to me because they don’t get it (which I understand). One of those friends I have no contact with and the other lives away but I speak to her everyday, but the issue has never come up again and I think she just thinks I’m unsure of my sexuality. When my parents leave I go back to university so I’m hoping that keeps me occupied and distracted. My best friend knows I have mental health problems and suicidal thoughts so she says she’ll just checking up on me a lot. I’m still scared though. I just wish I knew the answer. Thank you for commenting, it really means a lot.

@shiv00 Thank you for commenting, I’m sorry you went through that but I’m happy you’re making some progress. This December I’ll have had this (if I even have it, I’m still doubting it) for 5 years.

@spyro Yeah I think part of me does but it just gets overwhelmed by the doubt. I try to think about the amount of relief I felt when I first read about it and could relate to every symptom. I try to remember how it feels when I’m having a clear headed moment but they just get so clouded by the doubtful and depressed times. I’ve done so much research the last 5 years, I’ve been reading the same information for years. Chrissie Hodges’ videos are the best thing that ever happened to me during this whole thing, they calm me all the way down but I’m starting to watch them everyday and use the same videos so I’m worried about it being reassurance. Well it must be because the calm doesn’t last very long and then I need to watch another video. I’ve started listening to theocdstories podcast on Spotify as well but sometimes I catch myself literally waiting to hear something that will calm me down. I downloaded headspace to try and practice meditation but I gave up very easily (I’ve gave up easily my whole life hahaha) so maybe I need to get back to it. I have not heard of the ggOCD apps I’ll check them out. Thank you so much! I feel the exact same way for you, hope you’re doing well!

Yeah, I completely resonate with what you're saying and understand how you could lose hope. For me a really key part of my recovery (I'm not there yet but I can see many improvements) is consistency and strong will to notice and resist cumpulsions. For example, I force myself to meditate for at least 7 minutes each day. But it's the every day that counts because this doesn't fix itself over night or with one profound sentence on OCD stories. Its commitment and courage. I try really hard to avoid a cumpulsion and be mindful, shifting my focus and doing something else. Journalling, self love affirmations etc are really useful. I use the ggocd apps every day and meditate every day and every day try to resist cumpulsions. It's not just about dealing with OCD but about trying to be more nurturing and caring and aware of our needs. E.g always asking myself: what do I need today? What can I do to care for myself? What am I grateful for? How can I accept the situation today? What can I do to feel safe? You have to find questions that suit you, but tending to them each and every day, even when you don't want to really helps ignite change. It takes time but it times constant work. Smalls steps, but steps every day. They are kind steps, steps towards loving yourself. Find what works for you, this is just my experience so I wanted to share.

Also I play Sims 4 when I'm on my own and want to calm down hahaha. The sense of control really chills me out when I'm peaking. Maybe you can find a hobby or pass time that you really get into?

It’s really nice to hear you’re doing well. Have you been going through this for long? Do you have a good support system? I will definitely start up meditation again, and I love the sims! Hahaha! I’ve also been doing colouring in to relax and I usually listen to the ocdstories podcast as I do that.

Also I’m very excited to throw myself into my schoolwork soon to help me concentrate elsewhere.

Sounds great! I'm sure you'll do great at university. I have one friend I talk to and have had therapy. I've had it on and off for a while but had a big patch of it at the start of this year, ROCD and sexuality OCD, but have had POCD in the past. Yeah I can't believe I've returned to the Sims. I never expected it would be so soothing! Colouring in is also relaxing. I also like listening to comedy or watching something funny like friends etc whilst doing something else. If u wanna have a break from OCD related stuff (cos even tho it's relaxing it can be intense and serious) humour is so useful when life feels so hard! Yeah, just study extra hard and try and turn the pain into extra focus (somehow, and easier said than done haha) but I believe in you!

I might colour in too soon. Forgot how nice it is!

Hey. So sorry to hear you are going through this. You are not alone. Have you considered therapy? You should be able to get free therapy, perhaps online if it's easier. I think you will be okay on your own, but you may need to look to see if you can be in contact with someone during that time. Have you told anyone what you are going through? There are also hotlines to call if you really feel suicidal. I am wishing you all the love and care xoxo

Perhaps you can make a plan for yourself while they are away to help you cope, e.g activities you can do outside that will take your mind off things or help you feel less alone. Or have a photo of them with you. Is there anything you can do to fill out the time alone? Could you speak to them at all or call them or a friend often?

Do you want to talk about it, or anything I can help with . Im suffering from hocd too but somehow managed to make some progress as i know how i over my ocd about als

Actually I had some twitches in my body due to stress and anxiety and i thought that it was als or brain tumor just by Googling the symptoms and I wasted my high school due to this . I got Hocd in june of this year and was on the brink of breakup with my girlfriend but somehow I am fine now.

Don't be alone talk about it of you want i can give u my email. Don't lose hope

You yourself said that when you're friends think you are unsure about your sexuality, that they 'dont get it'. Meaning on some level you know this is OCD. OCD feels real, but never gets resolved and doesn't reflect your actions. I know it's hard but if you go for a therapist who works with OCD then they will treat your issue well and you can trust them. I know it's scary, but you wouldn't be here if it wasn't OCD. maybe you could find some vloggers or some info online about how OCD works so you can understand why it feels real? OCD recovery UK Is a good Instagram account but there are many. There are tools you can use to calm the OCD and try to resist cumpulsions if you can. I try to excersise, eat well and meditate. I also practise self love and acceptance. Oh have you tried ggOCD apps? They are apps with affirmations that help areas concerning OCD. Also listening to OCD stories on YouTube helps me.

Either way, you are not alone. Keep reaching out when you need. Sending you courage and warmth!