I feel like am watching myself become homeless.

I’m scared of everything. I’ve been diagnosed with severe OCD, GAD, MDD, panic disorder, BPD, PTSD and OCPD. I get really upset when people say “I’m so OCD”. I start feeling bad because here I am stuck in bed while people who are just neatfreaks glorify this illness. I’ve been hospitalized several times, took meds, have seen multiple therapists including the ERP specialist, and have tried different types of therapy including the ERP, talk therapy, DBT, ACT and some other thing my insurance recommended me. At first I was getting better but now I’m stuck in bed again. I have difficulty with a lot of things such as contamination fear and fear of losing, forgetting, dropping things. Even as I write this I’m scared I’m forgetting to write something. At one point I had to write down everything that was said to me. At one point I didn’t trust myself enough to do things like cleaning that I had to record myself. At one point I had to shower after using the bathroom every time. Those are under control...for now but now I have to face new obsessions. I’m scared of stupid things like chocolate and crying. I know what’s garbage but hard to throw out because what if there’s something important inside the folds of the plastic/paper bags. There’s always something that triggers my anxiety. Getting out of bed has gotten easier but getting back into my bed is exhausting with my rituals. I’ve tried leaving the apartment and on good days I would just feel nausea but push through. On a bad day I would get really sick with nausea. And on a really bad day I won’t feel anything and go through with getting ready, about to leave my bedroom heading towards the door and I have a complete melt down. I can’t even sleep without having to do my compulsion of writing down my dreams. On a good night I do this three times. So I’m always tired. I’ve tried to stop and have succeeded when I was working with the ERP specialist. My insurance has expired, I can’t get a job let alone leave my bed to go get any assistance, I’ve tried work from home but everything is difficult. I was a bridal consultant, artist/designer. I’ve also tutored Japanese online but it’s not enough to get the “residential level care” that the ERP therapist had told me I need. The insurance won’t pay for additional treatments with the specialist so I’m stuck. And what sucks is that my PTSD has become stronger which makes doing everyday tasks even more difficult (if that makes sense). What makes everything even more difficult is that I can’t do anything to help animals in need. I’m an advocate-have volunteered, rescued, spread awareness, sign petitions etc and all of these add up to my feeling of guilt and shame that I can’t put my passion of wanting to help animals before my OCD fear. I have a dream. I have a goal. I want to have my catcafe and work with high risk shelters to eliminate euthanasia while I save to start my own animal sanctuary. I’m sorry this has become a long post but I needed to vent to people who would understand and not have to explain why OCD is more than just “get over it” or “just stop your compulsions”.

Not sure about you guys, but I’ve been desperately looking for a job since last December and I’ve had no luck. The uncertainty of whether or not I’ll find a job drives me nuts and triggers my OCD like nothing else has before. At the beginning of my job search, it was the typical I’m afraid to do it response from OCD. But I realized that a good way to treat the issue was through exposure and applying for jobs. Just put myself out there and eventually something will land… right? Well… it’s been 6+ months already and 300+ job applications in. And not a single interview. Just a bunch of automated rejection emails or at best, a recruiter saying “I’ll forward this resume to the hiring manager” but I get ghosted in the interview process. Not sure what else I can do to treat the anxiety at the point. No job=worthless=loser=no $$ or so I’m led to believe by my OCD. I’m also getting the “you’re lazy” response from those around me whenever I tell them I still haven’t found a job. I’m staring down a black bottomless abyss at this point. Is there something else I can do to treat my OCD? Should I just accept the worst case scenario that I’ll never find a job and I’ll be indeed worthless?

I just quit my job today due to the crippling harm OCD that I have been having for the past couple months. I’m also a type one diabetic and so worried I won’t be able to find another job because I can’t hold it together at work. Due to the fact I lost my job, all my money is going to go to medical supplies for my diabetes. Before the harm OCD it was contamination and health OCD. I’d much rather go back to the other one than the harm one. Here is the thing, I can’t afford therapy at the moment. I know ERP is the gold standard. I read about CBT and acceptance therapy. I won’t go into detail about my harm OCD because I’m very much embarrassed and ashamed. I don’t even want these thoughts or like these thoughts. I want to run away from them so bad. I just want to love, be loved and be happy. Now without a job, no health insurance, being type one diabetic, and at I would say almost the height of this OCD, does anyone have any advice? Any words of encouragement? I cry every day about this and feel like a monster. I can’t get disability, I can’t afford health insurance without a job, and I don’t know how to get through this harm OCD. If anyone just can text me back, especially if you have dealt with a similar OCD I would appreciate it. I’m so lonely and lost about it all. I never thought I’d get into this situation. I’m staying as strong as I can but just anyone able to talk I would appreciate it. Thank you guys for reading.