Did EDMR help?

I’ve completed 11 sessions so far and I can honestly see progress. I’m not back to my “normal” self but I’m gaining parts of my life and my personality back. I never knew I had OCD. I always attributed things to anxiety. Being diagnosed let me know I’m not alone, I’m not crazy, and that there’s help for me. I have a long list of OCD subtypes. As you can imagine, the thoughts and images in my head were extremely distressing and I was concerned for my quality of life and my sanity. 11 sessions in and I’m able to watch shows and movies without being scared I’ll see a trigger, I can practice exposures and navigate through my obsessions better, and I’m finding joy in the little moments in life. I used to avoid so many things and people because I was scared I’d have intrusive thoughts. I still struggle with intrusive thoughts every single day. Some days and even weeks are bad and I struggle more than usual. I have mood swings, extreme irritability, and even sometimes experiencing depersonalization. Sometimes I just plain out feel uncomfortable and weird. But like my therapist said, progress is not linear. I’m learning to count my wins instead of always counting my losses. I’m learning to enjoy the little bits of life that are ok, and I feel proud when I get through hard moments. I’m excited for the future. I’m excited to see how much I progress. Sometimes I’m still scared but I know that’s my OCD trying to get me to quit because we both know this ERP therapy is helping. If you’re struggling, please seek help. It does get better. I wanted to quit after doing my first exposure. I’m so happy I didn’t. And on hard days when I want to give up, I know this is what I’m supposed to be doing to help myself.

Looking back, my introverted nature and struggles to find belonging in high school may have set the stage for how OCD would later impact my relationships. I had my first relationship in high school, but OCD wasn’t a major factor then. It wasn’t until my longest relationship—six years from age 18 to 24—that OCD really took hold. The relationship itself wasn’t the issue; it was what happened after. When it ended, I became obsessed with confessing past mistakes, convinced I had to be completely transparent. Even when my partner was willing to work past them, I couldn’t let go of the intrusive thoughts, and that obsession landed me in the hospital. From there, my struggle with ROCD (Relationship OCD) fully emerged. For years, every time I tried to move forward in dating, doubts consumed me. I would start seeing someone and feel fine, but then the questions would creep in: Do I really like her? Do I find her attractive? Is she getting on my nerves? What if I’m with the wrong person? I’d break things off, thinking I was following my true feelings. But then I’d question: Was that really how I felt, or was it just OCD? I tried again and again, each time hoping I could “withstand it this time,” only to fall back into the same cycle. The back and forth hurt both me and the person I was with. By the time I realized it was ROCD, the damage had been done, and I still hadn’t built the tools to manage it. Now, at 28, I know I need to approach dating differently. I recently talked to someone from a dating app, and my OCD still showed up—questioning my every move, making me doubt my own decisions. I haven’t yet done ERP specifically for ROCD, but I know that’s my next step. Just like I’ve learned tools for managing my other OCD subtypes, I need a set of strategies for when intrusive doubts hit in relationships. My goal this year is to stop letting uncertainty control me—to learn how to sit with doubt instead of trying to “figure it out.” I want to break the cycle and be able to build something healthy without my OCD sabotaging it. I know I’m not alone in this, and I know healing is possible. I’m hopeful that working with a therapist will help me develop exposures and thought loops to practice. I don’t expect to eliminate doubt entirely—after all, doubt is a part of every relationship—but I want to reach a place where it doesn’t paralyze me. Where I can move forward without constantly questioning whether I should. And where I can be in a relationship without feeling like OCD is pulling the strings. I would appreciate hearing about your experiences with ROCD. Please share your thoughts or any questions in the comments below. I’d love to connect and offer my perspective. Thanks!

So you got to ask me anything… Now I’d like to ask you something! I’ve heard from Members that they were so scared coming to their first ERP session. They were terrified that I would think they were crazy, that I would tell them their worst fears were true. That I would confirm they are some form of a terrible person or have them hauled off to prison for their thoughts. I’ve also had Members share how they’re very scared to begin ERP treatment because they’ve researched enough to know it means facing the fear, without the compulsions that have kept them feeling safe (but not really safe) this entire time. They struggled to see how they could be capable of doing this, while simultaneously acknowledging that they did not want to live like this anymore. If you have had your first session, what were your thoughts before? Did you have any hesitations or fears going into it? How did it turn out? If you haven’t yet begun to work with an ERP specialist, what is holding you back?