- Date posted
- 1y
Thoughts/images on purpose
I am having horrible thoughts on purpose and I don’t know why. I hate having them. Is it ocd related?
I am having horrible thoughts on purpose and I don’t know why. I hate having them. Is it ocd related?
It’s possible that ocd is convincing you that the thoughts are on purpose. One of the key components of ocd is that it loves to take intrusive thoughts that maybe most people have regularly and forces us to feel like we have to assign meaning to it. Sometimes that looks like having a “horrible thought” and then thinking that means we want it to happen or we are bad people. With ERP therapy you can start to work on letting thoughts happen without letting them feel sticky and meaningful.
But those thoughts not just POP up,they don’t happen all of sudden, I literally think them on purpose. But I don’t know why I do that. Because I hate it. These are disgusting thoughts.
@birdsunflower1 Do you think maybe your checking if they’re still there? I do that sometimes when I realise I haven’t had any intrusive thoughts for a while and then it causes them to pop up and I feel quite guilty and at fault
@24Lillie - I actually don’t know. Maybe unconsciously. But I have no idea. I just do it 😭
I go through the same thing. I have intrusive thoughts and then I have times where I know I could have avoided it but did it. I compare it to like a cat flicking around a dead mouse. Or like trying to not scratch a big bite. It’s awful. I hate it.
But I feel like these are not intrusive thoughts because I do them on purpose. I think them on purpose. Even though I don’t want to.
I have all kinds of thoughts that aren’t me it feels like someone is talking to me telling me evil things about people or to do evil things 😞😞😞😞 I can’t do this anymore
so I’ve been seeking therapy for my OCD for a few years. The theme that I’ve been dealing with most recently is the fear of becoming a pedophile, which then has led to intrusive images of me doing things to kids.Which now is just causing me so much distress and 24/7 constant thought cycle. I am starting to not be able to tell the difference between thoughts that are wanted/ unwanted- the line has become some blurry and these things are starting to feel like someothing i want to do. My brain keeps telling me to just test these thoughts and the “maybe”or”i don’t know” isn’t working. This has become such a barrier because the second layer is that I’m afraid that if I just let the thoughts be there it’ll make me be OK with doing those things and the fear is what’s keeping me from actually doing something inappropriate. It’s also transitioned into intrusive thoughts and images of me doing something very disgusting to my dog and that when I’m cuddling with him I get the thoughts to just do it or try it to see if i am actually a p*do. it’s almost like the compulsion would be to do the inappropriate thing, even though I know it’s wrong just to see how it would make me feel. I feel like i can’t control these urges even though i’ve never acted on it. At any point i could just do it. I’ve never had these thoughts before up until about a year and a half ago when my friend‘s boyfriend got arrested for soliciting a minor then all these thoughts came to life.Has anyone experienced something like this and have any advice?
i saw a trigger. and immediately imagined something se&ual that i really dislike and dont want. and now i feel horrible, because even if i didnt like it, i still imagined it. yes, it was an egodystonic intrusive image, but the moment i saw the trigger i knew i was going to have an intrusive image, i could have blocked it, i could have tried, but instead it happened automatically, the same type of se&ual image that is the same specific kind for any trigger, just now i was thinking abt it and it immediately appeared in my head. i dont know how much control do i have in it, because as i think abt it, it gets automatically visualized, but i'm the one who still gives the imput. i wonder how much responsibility do I have in this. because the unwanted image is sudden and automatic, but is like im conceding, im allowing it, like giving it up. it's some kind of self sabotage, it's not ocd creating the intrusive images, it's me imagining automatically and immediately once I see a threat what i don't want to think because i'm so used to, to sabotage myself and it feels horrible, especially if the trigger is a real person. it's like self sabotage. im not receiving passivly, im somehow actively thinking it automatically, i don't know how to explain it. i think abt how can't look at their parents eyes because they would be disgusted by me. no parent would be okay if someone had such images of their triggers even though it was intrusive and unwanted. and that feels defeating.
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