Thoughts/images on purpose

I was having a really good day at work and then all of a sudden, I realize that my harm OCD wasn’t there and then that reminded my brain to think about all these horrible things. I’ve been having really bad intrusive thoughts about wanting to hurt people or the fear of doing these things and I caught myself ruminating on things like oh well did this movie make me feel uncomfortable so I can reassure myself that I don’t wanna do these things and it’s just that fear like that I’m gonna wanna do it and it’s not even people that I’m close to. It’s literally anyone it could be like a random stranger thing about these things cause I know that’s a compulsion. So I thought I would put a message out to see if anyone could relate or has any advice.

Does anyone else get “I hate you” thoughts towards their loved ones? For me specifically it’s towards my mom. I have harm OCD and it tends to be directed towards my mom. I have always been close to my mom, she’s my best friend and I know I do love her. I had not ever questioned my love or closeness to her before. However, now with this flare up, I keep getting “I hate you” thoughts whenever I’m with my mom. Even just looking at her can bring this thought into my head. I don’t feel anxiety towards it, but it does make me feel sad and down. I ruminate about how I truly feel, like I’m testing my feelings towards her - do I really hate her? Have my feelings changed and I know longer love her? I have told her this before, out of guilt and seeking reassurance, and she knows I have OCD, but it makes me feel guilty to tell her that since I know it makes her sad. So I guess my main question is, does anyone else get these kind of thoughts? And then do you question your feelings and just feel hesitant to even be around the person?

I’m sharing this bc I need advice or even support from anyone who can relate. If you can’t relate and don’t think you’ll say anything helpful or kind pls don’t comment anything… I’ve been struggling with somethings that’s making me question myself. There has been moments while self pleasuring when I get intrusive thoughts, in those moments it feels like I’m enjoying or even self pleasuring myself bc of the thought. Right after I immediately have an anxiety attack and my HEART drops bc it feels terrible I feel like a disgusting monster :( ppl have told me I haven’t done a bad bc of how intense my guilt and panic are but I keep thinking that MAYBE I made a horrible decision in the moment and the guilt is just realising that it’s just wrong this doesn’t make sense to me because I’ve always told myself that I would never act on this in 1 million years and I’ve been known that these things are wrong so I’m just like constantly questioning myself these feelings and exact same situation has happened two times already I even promised myself that I wouldn’t act on anything beforehand and yeah, I still felt like I did act on my thought during my alone time I’m genuinely convinced that I’m a horrible and it’s even got into the point where I don’t wanna be here anymore and I don’t even think this is my OCD :( tbh