Exposures

I am doing ERP by my own because I can’t afford therapy. I exposed myself to babies photos online, changing diapers videos, baby genitalia . All was done with google . I honestly feel like I am predator by viewing these photos even though they are just babies. I seen also a picture on research article of a female patient she is a minor and they have done sexual abuse check on her . The image was so triggering, it was literally a vagina. ℹ developed lots if obsessions with increased groinal responses. And now I fear that I enjoyed all what I have seen.

today's exposure exercise. I look at the face of a person I have sexual thoughts about and I feel that as soon as I can connect that face with sex I am attracted to it, and I feel like I can touch my self on sexual way while looking at that face, and I can imagine it and get it as an urge..it seems like I am stopping myself because it is horrible, not that I don't want to... I get stuck a lot with this and I don't know how to get out...I can't...

Resisting compulsions feels so wrong and dangerous, I’m trying my best but the anxiety of doing so is immense. Especially because my brain is still not allowing myself to believe that my obsession is OCD, it wants me to believe it is a threat, so even calling my compulsions “compulsions” is making me anxious because that is me calling this whole thing OCD and not real if that makes sense?