Just Starting Therapy- Stressed I’m Underachieving

You are in the right place. Your OCD is trying to protect itself. It doesn’t want to be found. A lot of stuff won’t make sense in the beginning. You are allowed to make mistakes. It’s a part of the process. I was confused about the assignments my therapist was assigning me in the beginning. It’s actually important to see them twice a week in the beginning. It’s a safer process that way. I can honestly say that all the stuff you’ve mentioned will be a lot less of a deal in 6 months from now. I just looked over some notes I had from we i first started therapy. Non of that shit bothers me anymore. I needed things to be “just right”as well. Now, it makes me laugh when I notice it. Like, yup I definitely have OCD. Recognizing when you have a compulsion is half the battle. However, it’s gonna take practice. Your therapist is going to prove to you that you are capable of doing hard things. Just stick with the process. Practice makes progress, because perfection doesn’t exist. I’m happy you found us. You’re definitely in the right place.

I hear you! The assessments were really hard for me in the past when my ocd was more intense because I wasn’t sure if I was “answering correctly.” I also doubted if I had ocd or not when I was first diagnosed. I probably doubted it for like a year. I still doubt it to be honest, but the therapy works and it’s helped me regain my life. Maybe I have ocd, maybe I don’t. And I’m going to do my exposure and respond prevention work anyway. As I went to more support groups and learned more about ocd, I started understanding that I did actually have OCD and I recognized myself in other peoples stories. I came to a place of accepting that I have ocd so I can grow as a person and learn how to find freedom from the pain of ocd. OCD tells us that we need to figure out everything or have all the reassurance before we begin on something (rumination and reassurance seeking are both ocd compulsions). But what if you start working on the behavior modification while you’re still unsure about the OCD diagnosis? You got this!!!

Those assessments hit hard for me too, especially the depression one. I was scared to see if my quality of life had dropped from what I saw were just ‘silly’ thoughts. I judged myself a lot and doubted my diagnosis. But then I realized - what’s the harm of doing an exposure? If it’s ‘not a problem’, says my doubting response, then there should theoretically be ‘no harm’. I keep that attitude about things now even things I am not totally sure are full obsessions. Example: ‘I didn’t cook my meals this week I need to cook them tonight so I have something to eat’ then responding ‘I’m not listening to that, I’m going to show myself there is no harm and I can impromptu cook on the fly. No rules needed’ Maybe think of it that way - there are no rules. Which anxiety doesn’t like… seems like an undertone of your post. ‘Am I doing the rules right?’

Oh, how I related with this post! I overthought EVERY question on the assessments. I didn’t want to over-score myself, but also didn’t want to under-score either. I would think, “What if what I think is a 5 isn’t what someone else thinks is a 5…” and on and on it would swirl in my head. I told my therapist that those assessment forms are an OCD-person’s worst nightmare. 🤣 With all the ruminating, reassurance seeking, and overthinking I did on those forms proved without a doubt I had OCD. Hang in there. It will get better.

This was/is exactly my experience. The assessments took multiple sessions to get through and I felt the need to share every detail. I also beat myself up for talking too much AND for leaving out important details (got to love the contradictions of OCD!). On the outside, I am very high functioning and I was (and still am) worried about being misdiagnosed / mis-treated. I still worry at times that I don’t have OCD — that I don’t “qualify” — or that my treatment isn’t targeted enough to help me recover — or that my therapist doesn’t understand my experience. All this to say, you’re not alone. Treatment is very helpful, even when I worry that I’m not doing it right, or that it’s not addressing everything I need. I’ve learned (and continue to learn) that treatment isn’t a straight line. I’ve found that with every few steps I learn or discover something and these learnings then inform my next few steps. But I had to be brave and take those first steps before I could do any of that learning / growing / recovery. ❤️‍🩹 Hope that helps!