- Username
- cottagehilllady
- Date posted
- 41w ago
Just Starting Therapy- Stressed I’m Underachieving
It’s a long post. 🙈 I’m embarrassed. Brand new diagnosis. I’m 40. My OCD subtype seems to be “Order and Symmetry.” 1st session I arrived feeling good. I finished all the homework early and was excited to begin. We didn’t get through the full assessment; I’m pretty sure I talked too much. I was too detailed and we had to finish at today’s appointment. I arrived at today’s appointment stressed and got more stressed as the appointment progressed. I only realized a day or two ago that there was more homework (which I don’t mind- in fact, I enjoy!), but then, after I made note of it, I forgot all about it until signing in today’s Zoom. We spent the whole appointment completing those forms together. I had terrible difficulty doing the forms with my therapist. I was/am so afraid of answering a question without a true enough rating or expression of my experience to give an accurate assessment of my condition. I don’t want to over score or underscore myself! I only experience my life, so I’m not always sure if something’s unusual- it’s just my normal. Even though 3 professionals have now mentioned I should look into treatment for OCD, I still feel like treatment professionals will think I’m not OCD enough to warrant the attention. On the outside, I’m fully functional. It’s only once you start to consider the whole picture- my social habits and motivations for organization and having knowledge of what’s in my brain- that an outsider might put the pieces together. Now that I’m cognizant of its presence in me, so many things make sense. But I second guess myself when talking about it to treatment professionals or completing rating forms. I almost feel like I need a whole bunch of talk therapy first for verification that- yes, this is a manifestion of OCD, or that was, or that was. Figure out what it is and what it looks like in me, before the real work on behavior modification can begin. Or more time for me to explain what OCD looks like in my head first- like following certain rules or processes to keep life ordered and calm, and then making certain accommodations and new rules when something can’t be avoided- and of course, the people in my life have no idea when a rule or formula has changed and are caught out in the dark! 🤣😩 Therapist told me not to be hard on myself, told me not to overthink it, but I felt like she was frustrated with some of my answer paralysis during the assessments- not knowing how to scale myself. And goodness, I’m not throwing shade. I’m just stressed about getting it right! And surprise! We didn’t get to all we were supposed to in today’s session!