- Date posted
- 1y ago
I don’t know if I can do this much longer
I was a disgusting disgusting child. I don’t think I deserve to have this life knowing how horrible I am.. I can’t get my real event out of my head
I was a disgusting disgusting child. I don’t think I deserve to have this life knowing how horrible I am.. I can’t get my real event out of my head
I am also thinking like "i wasn't a good child" I think we all made mistakes when we were children. I know it is hard, I am also struggling but we need to understand that everyone don't have to know everything, everyone made mistakes, made horrible mistakes but those mistakes are not the end of the world. When I was a child I saw my brother topless from reflection of computer screen and I looked knowingly. I don't remember before and after the incident. Probably I didn't feel anything "wrong" but now i feel like it was a horrible mistake and I need to confess it to my brother. But we shouldn't feed our compulsions, therefore I am not gonna tel anything about it to my family, it is harmful. By the way when I was a kid I also catch my brother looking at me when I was changing my clothes but he close his eyes when he saw that I saw him. This is same thing but I dont feel angry to him, I can understand him because we both were children and these things can happen. Maybe knowing that you are not alone may help, have a nice day.
I hope we can understand ourselves as we understand other people
@Anonymous Same
Hi- I am so sorry you are struggling with this kind of intrusive thought chain. Looking back at even minute moments of our past that give us anxiety can be debilitating. If it brings you some comfort, I truly believe that interest is normal for children. Especially going through puberty kids become more interested in how physiology and bodies are different. You looking at your brother shirtless or him looking at you changing is not gross. Please don’t hate yourself for something so innocent. But I do not mean to invalidate your feelings. I just truly feel you could benefit from talking some of these out with a therapist so you can see how these actions do not make you “disgusting”. I struggle with other things that make me feel “gross” or similar so I cannot judge you for what moments impact you today. But I send my support 🩶
@PurpleWings380 I was not going through puberty, I was 6. It involves playing dr with my friend. I did therapy on NOCD for over a year
Thank you so much actually hearing this from someone else felt really nice
hey, i'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. it sounds incredibly tough to be stuck with those thoughts, but remember, your past doesn't define your worth or your future. 🌱 have you heard about "unstuck"? it's an ai-powered therapy tool at unstuckmyOCD.com that's been super helpful for me recently. another member here recommended it, and i honestly wish i'd found it sooner. might be worth checking out for some support.
@TanyaShelby22 Oh cool I’ll check it out
Hindsight is a b*tch. You were a child and learning about the world. Sometimes we do stupid things when younger while trying to figure it all out. Sometimes it makes little to no sense. It's usually not the case of "I should've known better", but more " if you don't know, you won't know".
I’ve said and done so many hurtful things growing up, especially in elementary and middle school. I was very passive aggressive and mean for a majority of my life, and I’ve hurt peoples feelings. I’m no longer like that now, but every single thing I’ve ever done wrong replays in my head constantly, from the moment I wake up to the second I go to sleep. I know I deserve to feel the chronic guilt and shame, so I feel even more guilty pitying myself. It’s eating me alive, I’m so scared. I know people must hate me, and they have every right to. feel like I don’t deserve to have moments of happiness because I’ve taken that ability away from someone before. I’m not diagnosed, but this has been going on for years and I’m scared to talk to anyone about it because I fear they would look at me differently knowing I’ve hurt someone’s feelings. I feel like a monster. It’s ruining my life and I don’t know what to do.
Being exposed to taboo p*rn as young as first grade ruined my life and now ocd is making me pay for it. I have so much guilt for being a child/teen and looking at taboo stuff, and it was all fictional or anime or whatever but it was still so so gross. and I didn't realize It because I had been used to it at so young 🫠 I think what haunts me most is when I was a kid/young teen (like 12-14ish) and didn't have access to p*rn I'd imagine stuff similar to what I'd seen in the art. I can't even believe I'd imagine scenarios involving kid characters or whatever because it had been so normalized to me and I assumed it was normal since it was fiction. I'm 23 now so it's been a decade since I've done anything like that and I've never had the urge to since but still. I've NEVER been attracted to kids or had any urges or anything ever, even when I was addicted. The thought makes me want to vomit, I'd rather die than associate anything sexual with kids/minors and I think people who groom or assault kids are vile. But I still feel like the fact that I imagined stuff similar to the things I read sometimes when I was young is proof I'm a p*do. I don't think people would believe me if I said I'm not. I just feel like I don't deserve to live or that if I do, I'm living a lie. I know 'I was a kid too' but even when I was 13/14 I read/imagined stuff with characters younger than me because I thought it was normal. I'm so disgusted. I've had this theme for so long I'm starting to wonder if ocd is right. I feel too ashamed to tell my therapist.
Everyday I wake up, all my mind makes me think of is the stuff I’ve done in the past, like all day I’m in a constant cycle of judging who I used to be and it hurts so so much. I wish I never thought to do those things, I wish I had been more mature than how I was before, it’s really lowering my self worth and I don’t think I’ve ever felt this miserable before, like last summer was the worst because I was dealing with this shit, I about almost ended my life over it, and I thought it would get better, which it did, but it didn’t last but for a while. As soon as it became 2025 I was going through it again, having constant cycles of “I’m a good person” to “I’m the worst person imaginable” and I’m so sick of it because I just want to feel like the good person l like to imagine myself to be, but I can’t because of shit I did in the past that I obsess over. I’ve cried and screamed so much over it and it seems like it will never leave me.
Share your thoughts so the Community can respond