- Date posted
- 51w ago
I don’t know if I can do this much longer
I was a disgusting disgusting child. I don’t think I deserve to have this life knowing how horrible I am.. I can’t get my real event out of my head
I was a disgusting disgusting child. I don’t think I deserve to have this life knowing how horrible I am.. I can’t get my real event out of my head
I am also thinking like "i wasn't a good child" I think we all made mistakes when we were children. I know it is hard, I am also struggling but we need to understand that everyone don't have to know everything, everyone made mistakes, made horrible mistakes but those mistakes are not the end of the world. When I was a child I saw my brother topless from reflection of computer screen and I looked knowingly. I don't remember before and after the incident. Probably I didn't feel anything "wrong" but now i feel like it was a horrible mistake and I need to confess it to my brother. But we shouldn't feed our compulsions, therefore I am not gonna tel anything about it to my family, it is harmful. By the way when I was a kid I also catch my brother looking at me when I was changing my clothes but he close his eyes when he saw that I saw him. This is same thing but I dont feel angry to him, I can understand him because we both were children and these things can happen. Maybe knowing that you are not alone may help, have a nice day.
I hope we can understand ourselves as we understand other people
@Anonymous Same
Hi- I am so sorry you are struggling with this kind of intrusive thought chain. Looking back at even minute moments of our past that give us anxiety can be debilitating. If it brings you some comfort, I truly believe that interest is normal for children. Especially going through puberty kids become more interested in how physiology and bodies are different. You looking at your brother shirtless or him looking at you changing is not gross. Please don’t hate yourself for something so innocent. But I do not mean to invalidate your feelings. I just truly feel you could benefit from talking some of these out with a therapist so you can see how these actions do not make you “disgusting”. I struggle with other things that make me feel “gross” or similar so I cannot judge you for what moments impact you today. But I send my support 🩶
@PurpleWings380 I was not going through puberty, I was 6. It involves playing dr with my friend. I did therapy on NOCD for over a year
Thank you so much actually hearing this from someone else felt really nice
hey, i'm really sorry to hear you're feeling this way. it sounds incredibly tough to be stuck with those thoughts, but remember, your past doesn't define your worth or your future. 🌱 have you heard about "unstuck"? it's an ai-powered therapy tool at unstuckmyOCD.com that's been super helpful for me recently. another member here recommended it, and i honestly wish i'd found it sooner. might be worth checking out for some support.
@TanyaShelby22 Oh cool I’ll check it out
Hindsight is a b*tch. You were a child and learning about the world. Sometimes we do stupid things when younger while trying to figure it all out. Sometimes it makes little to no sense. It's usually not the case of "I should've known better", but more " if you don't know, you won't know".
I don’t expect anyone to give me any reassurance that I’m a good person, because I doubt it heavily now. I don’t want to fight anymore, I can’t do it. I’m a bad person. I can’t see the light anymore I don’t think I can get better from this anymore, I think I’m gonna give up, I’m actually gonna give up, this is actually really bad that I did this, this is my proof I’m a bad person, I thought about it so I just can’t. basically I saw a a picture of 12 year old boy, and I kept testing how I felt, now I don’t know why I did this cause I know it’s wrong, meaning not good, but basically my brain was like “do you think he’s handsome” and I said “maybe I don’t know, I don’t think he’s handsome. He might be” and oh my god I can’t believe I said something like this, I know some will say “oh it might be intrusive” but I can’t anymore. I feel like I’m done. I don’t even know what kind of handsome I meant, all I know is that I was NOT trying to be disgusting in any shape or form but I can’t stand it, I can’t do this anymore
A good life, success, healing, beautiful things? ⚠️ Important: please don’t read if this is triggering. No one should think this way about themselves, of course you deserve it all. I struggle with real events and harm OCD. My worst fear is being a bad person, causing harm or doing the wrong thing. These thoughts haunt me all the time and cause me to essentially throw my life away. I don’t go out, pursue opportunities, etc. because what if I don’t deserve them? I think of the worst things I’ve ever done all the time. The things that I’m most ashamed of. Like a broken record that’s all I replay in my head. Doesn’t matter if it was 5 or 10 years ago. And I beat myself up for not doing better. And I just don’t know how to move past it. I’ve read a lot of quotes and books about self help and love and acceptance (e.g. once you know better, do better). But for me I feel like I have to hate myself forever. I won’t ever get a clean slate, there’s a permanent stain on my record. I just can’t forgive myself, whether other people know it or not, I can’t allow myself to move forward. It’s about integrity for me. Does anyone relate? How do you do it? I’m so sorry if you’re also struggling. I don’t wish this for anyone. Please keep fighting, you’re not alone. ❤️
My life has been hell, and I don’t know how to move on. I (15M) did awful things when I started high school, thinking being sexual was the way to connect. I crossed boundaries, overshared, and kept flirting with friends and making sexual jokes, even after they said no (all over text). One friend stopped talking to me and can’t even look at me now. I feel like a monster. Why shouldn’t I be locked up? If I got therapy, I feel like I’d be sent jail. How can I ever move on?Then there were these 2 guys who were older than me one was 16 one was 17. The 16 yr old was introduced to me by my online friend who is my best friend and I begged the 16 yr old for pics (idk how it started but after my friends ex randomly messaged me and sent me pictures and then blocked me right after I think I became addicted to chasing that high) the 16 yr old eventually sent me a pic but it was real and I stopped bugging him on it after that but i feel so bad I did that but my friend tells me not to feel bad cause the guy was weird but I still feel bad. Then the 17 yr old I did the same thing with him but went too far when I tried getting pics from him by using my best friends ass pics she sent me (she was 15) I don’t think I grasped how wrong this was but that’s not an excuse she eventually found it when I told her after she tried getting pics from the guy herself to try and help me and the guy got mad when she stopped talking to him cause we found it weird talking to him. I told her about how I sent the pics she said she felt sick but forgave me cause she thought I was gonna harm myself. Fast forward the guy told me after I had still been flirting with him that I s@d him (we never met in person ever) and I felt so guilty and apologized a lot and he got annoyed and told me that he had been kinda manipulative to me and kept me in a loop of mystery and I don’t talk to him anymore. But one of my other friends stopped talking to me after I was being by too emotionally taxing on him because I became very depressed and didn’t wanna life anymore and tried to stop lifing a few times. And now idk if I actually s@d someone if I did that to someone and now I think I’m a pdo and I think I s@d my baby cousins and my little brother and now I’m scared bf I can’t even get help because my parents don’t believe in therapy and even if I wanted to I’m scared because I don’t want to go to jail but I think I deserve it honestly why should a monster like me live.
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